AIBU to leave 8 & 10 year alone to go out to dinner?

[BereftOfInk]

DH has suggested we go out to dinner together and leave the DC home alone. His parents often did this once he turned 10. I don't know if I'm being over protective as I was never left alone as a child. We live in a block of flats and would let our direct neighbours know they were alone, DC know them and could go and knock if they needed help for any reason. They offered to do this a while ago, but we thought the DC were too young so didn't. Neighbour suggested it as it's what her parents did when she was young (she wouldn't want to sit in our flat with them).

Get them ready for bed, stick a film on and let them go to bed when tired/fall asleep on the sofa. Acceptable or not?

YABU if you do. Children are meant to be looked after and not left at home whilst you go out to have some fun, why not go out for dinner together?

Parents in this country are way too risk adverse. Instead of wrapping them up in cotton wool we should be teaching them to risk assess and how to make good decisions, particularly in the home, where they are in fact safer than out on the streets

Very unusual for a social worker to be saying this in this context, are you really one? It begs the question really doesn’t it.

And if you were you’d know we can teach our kids to risk assess without leaving them basically alone at eight and fucking off for a night out.

@NameXForThis what country are you in?

I agree with others that it's too young to leave them in the evening

And really it's not on to leave a 10 year old in charge of an eight year old during the day.

It seems illogical as I would definitely leave a 10 year old alone for an hour or so during the day, and maybe an 8 year old for a very short while eg 10 minutes but it seems wrong to give the 10 year old the responsibility for their younger sibling .

I am also with the posters who felt that a flat was a higher risk than an house. I think it's about there being no escape route from a flat either in terms of fire risk or if someone managed to force their way in. There's always a back door and windows in a house.

Is it not possible for you to find a family friendly restaurant and take your children along as well?

There's actually no "moral of the story" when it comes to a personal anecdote about what happened to one child in one home at one time, or a news story about what happened to one child in a country of 65 million people. There is a much greater risk in taking a child anywhere at all in a car, yet all the time we read on here about driving kids places (which they could walk or ride a bus to), or putting nonsleeping babies in the car and heading out for a spin.

This kind of situation is different for every child, for every family, in every situation. The OP needs to do what she feels comfortable with. When posters say to her "no you mustn't, it's not safe", all you are actually saying is "I wouldn't feel safe doing that". Which is fine - you don't have to do it - but don't act as though your word is somehow fact in every situation.

OP you seem pretty sold on doing this already so what was the point on this thread?

Nope. Never. Pay for a babysitter if dh is that desperate for an evening out

@Bluntness100 it doesn't beg the question at all.

For what its worth I said I agreed with pjmask which also included his/her comments that the OP children are too young to be left alone at home while she goes out for dinner

OK OP I've now read more of your posts and seen that you are in Southern Germany, and therefore the culture with regard to leaving children home alone may be different to that in the UK. You might get a more appropriate response if you ask friends you have locally whether this is something they would do.

I wonder if OP is asking the same question on a German MN now and getting lots of "Haven't you already been doing this for years already? NO?? You're a terrible parent" answers.

@Gogogadgetarms

*Sorry still don’t believe this.
**5 year olds were instructed by the school to walk home alone? And the parents complied?
*Bullshit.

Actually seeing that OP is in Germany, I do believe this. My sister lived in a mid-sized German city for a few years, it wasn't only normal, it was expected that children by the latest 6, would scoot/walk alone to school, often crossing busy roads.

I was 😳 but that was the norm there.

Even with younger children, there was no bringing them to the classroom door, parents generally weren't allowed on school grounds.

I wouldn’t do it personally, however to all the PPs that day it’s neglect etc, social services wouldn’t be that interested in this.

There are children of 8 and 10 that only have one permanently drunk/ drugged parent and the kids aren’t removed. SS just visit occasionally.

It's true what OP says about school kids in Germany for anyone doubting it. Walking or cycling from age 5/6 alone is the done thing.

No way on earth. That's far too young. And I don't believe for one second kids at school were expected to walk home alone from the age of 5, come on now. That's absurd.

Op, I wouldn't do it, for the reasons you've given yourself & that PPs have mentioned.

They're too young to be left for that long, especially with the 10yo having to be 'in charge'.

If you're out beyond their bedtime, that just seems mean, leaving them fall asleep on the couch.

You won't relax or enjoy your time - whatever the local social norms are, you'll feel anxious as fundamentally you're not comfortable with it.

cherrybakewell

Did you not read the many previous posts saying it's entirely true that it's the norm in many parts of Germany for children of 5 to walk home from school?

Just because you haven't experienced it, doesn't mean it's not true.

I wouldn’t.

I was regularly left alone from the age of 8 and it was horrendously frightening for me. Left me with life long issues actually.

Oh hellllll no!

Do you really need to ask others this question. Does your mothering common sense not tell,you that of course this is totally inappropriate and neglectful. If something goes wrong (and it very well could) you’ll find yourself getting arrested for neglect. They don’t have the capacity at that age to assess risk. I’ve worked in child protection For many years and this is not ok under any circumstances.

@cherrybakewells3

It's honestly true. I'm sure a quick Google will confirm if you still don't believe other posters.

No way.
When mine were 8 and 10 I was feeling extremely ill (dengue fever). Their dad was due home in about two hours so I explained the situation, they promised to be on their best behaviour watching TV and I went to bed.
Next morning I went in to clean the playroom toilet to find burn marks in the sink. Turns out they had been watching a science programme where a comet demonstration used scrunched up cellophane which was lit then thrown outside in the dark. They had experimented doing likewise indoors.😱
Never again did I trust them.

Not a chance.

I feel quite mixed about this. I haven’t got any children (...Mostly because DH and I love eating out late at night a couple of times a week) but I am a primary teacher and so know lots of 8 and 10 year olds really well.

I have only ever met a really small handful of children that age that I think I would trust to follow rules and who would be truly sensible if left alone together.

However, statistically, they will probably be fine to be left. Goodness knows, there are many stories some poor children tell me about their chaotic lives and the situations they find themselves in (and honestly, it takes an awful lot for a child to be removed by SS) that makes you realise these little creatures can be very resilient if they have to be.

But, if you have the choice, why leave them alone? It’s not necessary. You’ve (presumably) chosen to have these children, and surely one sacrifice of having children is that you either get a table for four, order in, or find a babysitter.