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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave 8 & 10 year alone to go out to dinner?

430 replies

BereftOfInk · 29/07/2020 13:21

DH has suggested we go out to dinner together and leave the DC home alone. His parents often did this once he turned 10. I don't know if I'm being over protective as I was never left alone as a child. We live in a block of flats and would let our direct neighbours know they were alone, DC know them and could go and knock if they needed help for any reason. They offered to do this a while ago, but we thought the DC were too young so didn't. Neighbour suggested it as it's what her parents did when she was young (she wouldn't want to sit in our flat with them).

Get them ready for bed, stick a film on and let them go to bed when tired/fall asleep on the sofa. Acceptable or not?

OP posts:
DonnaDonna01 · 29/07/2020 16:31

I wouldn’t do it but most people have said the same and you counter every reason why you shouldn’t with a reason why you can. So to be honest I’m not sure why your asking because you seem pretty confident it’s ok.

Nandocushion · 29/07/2020 16:32

I would do this OP, not saying it's fine with any children at all, but it would be with my own as I know them well and they would be fine. Caveat - I would only go for dinner somewhere close enough to walk to in a few minutes, not a drive across town, and I would probably text them every 10-15 minutes, which might not be too relaxing. My kids are a bit older than yours and we've been slowly getting all of us used to this over a period of years and the kids are more responsible and confident for it.

Something unheard of in our own culture/country may well be okay in another, as it seems to be the case here. It's really up to how you feel about it, with your children and what you know about them. Don't be pushed into it if you don't feel it's okay, but also don't be talked out of it because of how other people (who don't know your kids, your neighbours or your building) feel about it.

Those of you saying this is 'neglect' and you'd be reported/get into trouble for it etc - not long ago there was a harrowing thread on here where the OP's sister (in UK) had neglected/abused her own children for a number of years so that the children were now violent towards others and each other. The family had been reported for abuse/neglect for years and yet nothing had been done, but all the time on here I hear people suggesting that someone might be investigated or their kids might be removed because a 10yo was left alone for a bit/allowed to go to park alone/some other fairly normal activity.

HuggedTheRedwoods · 29/07/2020 16:35

Why have you posted here when you have argued against every sensible post advising not to do it?

strawberrypip · 29/07/2020 16:36

I also dont understand why you are asking when you are clearly set on doing so and dont see a problem with it. bit goady really

BlingLoving · 29/07/2020 16:36

OP, I have only read some of the posts but have read all of yours. I have family in Europe and I 100% believe you re walking home alone. SIL was quite shocked that our DC aren't allowed to do so at a much later age.

Personally, I would find it difficult to leave that age alone in the evening. DS, 9, has started being left alone for 30-45 minutes if DH is working and I need to pop out or take DD somewhere. But I probably wouldn't leave him in the evening.

However, think this is a decision that can only be made by the family involved. If your DC are used to being alone at home/ out and about, then of course it's a substantially less risky proposition as it's not like it's coming out of the blue for them. Ditto, if they're happy, I think that makes a big difference.

AnotherBiteMe · 29/07/2020 16:36

@pjmask I am a social worker but I agree with you. Parents in this country are way too risk adverse. Instead of wrapping them up in cotton wool we should be teaching them to risk assess and how to make good decisions, particularly in the home, where they are in fact safer than out on the streets (walking to school for example).

RB68 · 29/07/2020 16:38

I think it depends on the child and your house - at 8 I would leave DD to pop out for up to 30 minutes but she was sensible little thing and knew how to phone off the house phone and knew both next doors and a couple of other neighbours to go to, one of which I would let know she was on her own so they were prepped.

But not for dinner, still too young and its too scary if a small thing goes wrong - I would wait till youngest was 12 and oldest 14 (old enough to be left alone) as long as they get on and oldest has half an idea of responsibility

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 29/07/2020 16:38

No way, sorry. Too young. How on earth could you relax? I know I wouldn't be able to!

Sabine123 · 29/07/2020 16:40

Bonkers !! Honestly - how could you think this was ok?

RB68 · 29/07/2020 16:41

Mine is 15 this month and wld happily be left for an evening these days. Knows to check out of upstairs windows if door goes and we leave the early warning system home with her too (dog). Having said that she usually comes with us as we are a trio and close and she enjoys her food out too and we feel mean lol.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/07/2020 16:42

I think some 8 and 10 year olds are sensible enough to be left. I definitely was.
You know your children well enough to make that decision. Maybe only go for dinner and be home before 9.
X

Stifledlife · 29/07/2020 16:43

I had a neighbour who left her quiet 8yo for 2 hours in the daytime. She went through all the usual stuff about locked doors, 999, don't let strangers in, don't turn on oven etc.
When she got home he was outside playing in the street.
She hadn't said "don't play in the street" so he thought it was ok.
The front door had slammed behind him and he couldn't get back in again either..

You can't legislate for what goes through the mind of a child. They don't have enough life experience to understand outcomes of seemingly innocent actions.

Don't do it.

BlingLoving · 29/07/2020 16:44

@RB68

Mine is 15 this month and wld happily be left for an evening these days. Knows to check out of upstairs windows if door goes and we leave the early warning system home with her too (dog). Having said that she usually comes with us as we are a trio and close and she enjoys her food out too and we feel mean lol.
15 is very different. If your 15 year old couldn't be left for a few hours I'd be seriously worried.
TibetanTerrier · 29/07/2020 16:45

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BlingLoving · 29/07/2020 16:46

When she got home he was outside playing in the street.
She hadn't said "don't play in the street" so he thought it was ok.
The front door had slammed behind him and he couldn't get back in again either

Except, he was obviously fine and not traumatised. So it sounds like he was able to handle the unexpected just fine. I mean, if he was running down the middle of a busy road, perhaps not but....

Gingertea2020 · 29/07/2020 16:46

It’s good that you asked op but I wouldn’t. The risks are low but the stakes are high.

Plus it’s not just about something bad happening or getting up to mischief. It’s also that kids shouldn’t feel that alone and vulnerable.

When I was 10/11 my Mum went to a neighbourhood party and left me home with my 13/14 year old sister. This happened often.

It was back in the days of crossed land lines. My sister heard it interference on the phone To her boyfriend and thought someone else was in the house. She ran screaming out of the house and jumped over the fence.

I was left in the house that’s front glass door was bolt shut locked from the inside. The back was all locked up too. I ran out the back and screamed my lungs out. The neighbours ran up the street, one man smashed the front glass door, another man jumped all of the fences to get to me and hug me. I still remember the hug - he was very handsome. I think it impacted my issues with men years later, I still want someone big, strong and handsome to come save me ConfusedHmmSmile

The moral of the story is that kids always need an adult.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/07/2020 16:46

@UsedUpUsername

Cultural norms might be fine in safer countries like Germany and Japan, but Britain is not that kind of place sadly
How is it more dangerous in the UK? According to what statistics? I think we just molly coddle our children more.
Marshmallow91 · 29/07/2020 16:49

Google Jessica Lunsford. You don't know any of your neighbours, really. Even if you say hi to all of them in passing, or have coffee at their home.

And I'd rather have a "stranger off the Internet" employed by a company, has verifiable history of babysitting and is DBS checked rather than a random neighbour, of whom you have no idea of past, or the pasts of company they keep.

BlingLoving · 29/07/2020 16:50

I think we just molly coddle our children more.

Completely agree. And don't think we are doing them any favours by doing so. Drives me bonkers. Also is part of the reason so many children are overweight - they don't get enough movement. It's no coincidence that since we started letting Ds have more independence, he's also started slimming down.

FinallyHere · 29/07/2020 16:51

they know they're not allowed to.

While this may be true, the whole point surely is that they do not have the maturity to respond correctly when distracted or under pressure.

Basically, it would be a risk to leave them alone. The chances of something going wrong / a situation in which they do not react correctly is probably quite low, however the potential impact could be serious even catastrophic.

Is that a price you are prepared to pay, for the sake of an evening out ?

ChaoticCatling · 29/07/2020 16:53

@diddl

"At 11 my DS was home after school alone for two hours four days a week because I was at work."

Not quite the same as leaving a 10yr old in charge of an 8yr old to go out for a meal, is it?

I wouldn't leave a 10 year old in charge of an 8 year old. I would leave an 8 year old for under two hours though, with or without 10 year old. Over two hours and no, I wouldn't leave them.
diddl · 29/07/2020 16:53

"I think we just molly coddle our children more."

Maybe-but in this case I don't think it's mollycoddling to not leave a 10yr old looking after an 8yr old.

ravenmum · 29/07/2020 16:56

And I'd rather have a "stranger off the Internet" employed by a company, has verifiable history of babysitting and is DBS checked rather than a random neighbour
Gosh, I used to babysit in the UK in the late 1980s, and I'd just answer an ad. No company, no checks. Does that not happen at all now in the UK?

camelsandcaramel · 29/07/2020 16:58

Stop being so god damn tight and pay a babysitter!! Seriously, who in their right mind thinks this is in any way acceptable?

GET A SITTER IN and stop being so selfish towards your poor kids!

ravenmum · 29/07/2020 17:06

who in their right mind thinks this is in any way acceptable?
The German courts 😂