I don't want to go away with them!

[Nonotthisagain]

DP and I have arranged to go away for the weekend with another couple. We've been away together before and he knows it was my least favourite weekend away ever. I'm late 40's as is my partner and his friend, but friend's girlfriend is 15 ish years younger than us so I do feel older and frumpier than her (also I'm a bit heavier post lockdown!)

It's getting closer and I absolutely do not want to go. I never have any desire to go away with other couples, we're always really happy just us together but this was arranged when we were all a bit tipsy!

I'm now so so anxious about it and dreading going. I don't have much money to spare and don't want to spend it on a weekend I desperately don't want to go on and will feel shit about myself.

I know I shouldn't have agreed to it at the time - do I have to just suck it up now? Would it be awful to cry off?

Actually she's 20 years younger than me!

Go, make the most of it, learn the lesson for next time.

Drink lots. Love you as you. Don't worry what anyone else thinks and have an amazing time.

Is it booked and paid for? I'd cry off - if they're so pally, they won't miss you. You might find that the girlfriend isn't wild about going either. Don't offer excuses or you'll get nagged. Just a firm no - sorry - I've changed my mind.

She's probably saying'do we have to go with those oldies again!'

If you don’t want to go you don’t have to. Shame you didn’t call it off in the cold light of day once you were sober rather than waiting till now.

It's all very well saying go and enjoy yourself - maybe I'll be ok when I'm there but I'm going to have weeks of anxiety about this in the lead up. I feel sick to my stomach already. I've been going through my wardrobe trying to find things which look good and panicking and thinking about ordering new clothes which I can ill afford. I know the anxiety will just ramp up the closer it gets.

If you didn't enjoy it last time why did you agree to go ?
It's a bit short notice if it's this weekend and it's been planned a while , just suck it up and don't agree to something next time .

@AnneLovesGilbert

If you don’t want to go you don’t have to. Shame you didn’t call it off in the cold light of day once you were sober rather than waiting till now.

It was non refundable the instant we'd paid

Is that the only reason you don't want to go because you will you look old compared to the g/f? Ah OP come on, you need to get some self love/confidence in yourself going!!

The anxiety is clearly excessive and you need to look at addressing that. Look into getting some help with it.

In the meantime, the worst thing you can do for anxiety is to feed it by avoiding the thing you fear. So ride out these few weeks, recognise the anxiety, accept it and let it wash over you, force yourself to go and when you get there, it won’t be nearly so bad.

Pursue some treatment when you’re back so next time isn’t so bad.

@nonotthisagain what advice would you give your daughter or friend? It's such a shame you are feeling like this, how you look has no bearing on you as a person. The younger woman certainly wont be judging you and will probably be feeling anxious about it for other reasons. It's natural to feel apprehensive about going away with people you don't know that well. Particularly after a long period of relative isolation! I've certainly put on a few pounds over lockdown, it's normal.

You say it's in a few weeks - what could you do to make yourself feel better? Could you walk 5k a day? Could you buy some new clothes? Could you watch what you eat for a few weeks to lose a bit of the weight?

I wouldn't cancel, I dont think youd feel any better. It makes me sad to think how many women feel this way and miss out on opportunities because of how they perceive they look. I've got friends of all weights and honestly would be gutted if they didnt want to come away with me because they were worried about how they looked.

No it's not this weekend, got a few weeks to go. I basically went along with it on a drunken zoom call! It was talked about then all of a sudden booked
I would not have agreed had I been sober.

It's hard to have self confidence at the moment as I lost my job when covid hit, I've put on weight and appears the menopause is hitting me full on right now! Deep deep joy

Just go. If I have something coming up that I'm not really looking forward to and it's not something that needs planning (like a work presentation or whatever) then I simply don't think about it beforehand! You might as well just spend the weekend not particularly enjoying it, rather than ruining the weeks beforehand thinking about it! But often, I'm pleasantly surprised and it's not as bad as I think it's going to be - just don't book to go with them again!

It isn't just about how I look, I genuinely have no desire to go away with other people regardless of who they are!

It's just a weekend, not two weeks away: go and have fun and make the most of it. Next time be more assertive and if you really don't want to go away with other people say so in advance.

Also what Blue said

I'd be "ill". I should everyone concerned will be fine with it. I sympathise OP.

Another one who thinks you should go. If you had said they were a horrible couple or she was ride and judgemental I would feel differently but th reasons you've given.are your own anxiety and that needs addressing. Go as a favour to your DH who is presumably looking forward to it and think.about whether you need some support for your mental health if a weekend away is really affecting.you that badly.

Can you plan in some time on your own while you are there? What type of holiday is it?

Is this other couple nice? Seems a shame to cancel just because the other woman going is younger and slimmer than you.

This sounds more like self esteem and anxiety issues. If you really don't want to do, don't, just blame Covid and lack of money but please work on your self worth in the meantime

Oh god the thought of her saying she doesn't want to go away with the oldies!

So, you are saying you don’t want to go because you are not happy with the way you look? It’s not because she is a horrible person?

You know this is really irrational.

I do understand everyone saying just go and work on your self worth but honestly I'm generally pretty good at feeling good about myself - I don't usually feel bad about myself and don't think I need 'help'

but money, job, menopause etc has all come at once - I don't think it's that abnormal to be feeling a bit shit considering all that? Christ am I in a worse state than I think!? I honestly thought I wasn't being ridiculous to feel like this 😬

It's clear they like you or the girlfriend wouldn't be chatty over zoom her fellas is in his 40s his friends will be as well, if you think she is shallow enough to judge you on your clothes and a bit of extra weight then you need to cancel you will be miserable if you go and miserable if you don't but are you not better being miserable at home?

@Nonotthisagain

I do understand everyone saying just go and work on your self worth but honestly I'm generally pretty good at feeling good about myself - I don't usually feel bad about myself and don't think I need 'help'

but money, job, menopause etc has all come at once - I don't think it's that abnormal to be feeling a bit shit considering all that? Christ am I in a worse state than I think!? I honestly thought I wasn't being ridiculous to feel like this 😬

I suppose people just focused on that because that's how it came across in your OP, that seemed like the main reason you didn't want to go. If it's just because you hate going away with other couples/people then fair enough but you did agree to it and if you cancel now other people are going to lose money because of you, that's kind of unfair, no one forced you to agree in the first place

A weekend away is meant to be fun I don't think you are being ridiculous but I do think you are overthinking and it isn't "normal " to think the way you do about a weekend away.