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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to go away with them!

113 replies

Nonotthisagain · 29/07/2020 13:00

DP and I have arranged to go away for the weekend with another couple. We've been away together before and he knows it was my least favourite weekend away ever. I'm late 40's as is my partner and his friend, but friend's girlfriend is 15 ish years younger than us so I do feel older and frumpier than her (also I'm a bit heavier post lockdown!)

It's getting closer and I absolutely do not want to go. I never have any desire to go away with other couples, we're always really happy just us together but this was arranged when we were all a bit tipsy!

I'm now so so anxious about it and dreading going. I don't have much money to spare and don't want to spend it on a weekend I desperately don't want to go on and will feel shit about myself.

I know I shouldn't have agreed to it at the time - do I have to just suck it up now? Would it be awful to cry off?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 29/07/2020 15:36

This is common enough, surely. Agreeing to stuff for 'future you' to do but 'present you' doesn't actually want to go.

Talk to your DP, he might not be that arsed about going anyway. And given that this isn't your sister or best friend, the other couple won't care that much either.

Babyboomtastic · 29/07/2020 15:37

Can your husband go without you without disrupting the booking? Because you keep mentioning that the other couple could go alone, which makes it sound like you'd be cancelling for both of you?

Personally, I'd say suck it up and go, but don't agree to it again. It doesn't sound like this poor woman has done anything wrong, and it's just a weekend. You've agreed, you'd be letting other people down, and tbh it's not particularly fair in your husband to bail now.

Notredamn · 29/07/2020 15:43

Look, I couldn't think of anything worse, either. 'couple breaks' aren't my cup of green tea so therefore I would never book one. I think since you've committed both financially and most importantly to these other people, you should see it through. Just have low expectations but still see it as a break from the norm and it should still have some value. If it gets horrendous then 'fall ill' and chill in your hotel room.

Original poster
Nonotthisagain · 29/07/2020 15:43

DP would totally understand, wouldn't go without me even if I begged him to. I wouldn't mind if he went at all though

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 29/07/2020 15:44

Make up a believable excuse and don't go; in future, never make that arrangement again.

You are daft to feel inferior because of a younger woman, though. Does it occur to you she might feel a little in awe of you?

goingtotown · 29/07/2020 15:45

It was your least favourite weekend ever
I would feel the same as you OP. Losing your job & the situation with Covid is a reasonable excuse to say you won’t be going.Tell them & take the stress away from yourself.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 29/07/2020 15:47

It’s non refundable, but could you check with the venue if you could possibly rebook just you and your husband for later on?

AlwaysDancing1234 · 29/07/2020 15:49

I totally get where you’re coming from on this one, right down to the clothes, younger friends, menopause issues etc.
I think you should cancel, there’s no point worrying yourself silly about it and it’s a harsh lesson learned for the future.

oakleaffy · 29/07/2020 15:49

There will always be prettier/thinner/richer people than ourselves, that is just a fact of life.
But if your DP loves you as you are , don't let the other women put you off...Just don't be a misery guts when there.

It is bad enough to have even a ''communal walk'' spoiled by an ''I don't want to be here'' person ...Which is why ''travelling light'' is so much easier...Either alone or just with one other person.

Groups can be fraught, and can split up into sub groups..especially if over several days.
Making decisions stoned or drunk is very risky.

Far better to wait until the cool grey light of dawn are creeping through the curtains to make those sorts of decisions.

My parents tried holidaying with other couples and their kids, and it rarely worked..the kids got on, but the adults often didn't.

Babyboomtastic · 29/07/2020 15:51

If he wouldn't go without you, then perhaps you should also be kind to him and go for him.

How dreadful to not just let down the other couple, but also your husband, just because you are anxious about your wardrobe.

ravenmum · 29/07/2020 15:52

So would you feel bad for your DP now if you stayed at home, and he refused to go alone?

candycane222 · 29/07/2020 15:58

I'd understand your reluctance if they were unpleasant to you, got unpleasantly drunk or loud - if that is the case I think you remind DP and say - honestly it was so awful last time when they X, Y & Z, I don't think I can face it.

If however it is 'your stuff' and about how you were feeling, rather than how they were being, then I think PPs are right and it is best not to shrivel away from human contact like this (and I say this knowing this is very much how I can be, as well). I find an excellent way to put myself at ease in awkward situations is (primary school advice, I know, but still..) to ask questions of the others about themselves. Most people's life stories/family histories are really interesting, and there are bound to be some things in common that will put you both at ease. I find it is a great way to get quite warm feeling towards people who I might otherwise not like/have the time of day for.

Whenwillow · 29/07/2020 16:09

@Nonotthisagain you don't have to go. I wouldn't in your shoes. Think of the money as sunk cost. The other couple can have a nice weekend alone, or even invite someone else who'd enjoy it more.
I'm same - menopausal, slightly overweight (thanks lockdown poor eating habits) and generally quite introverted and perfectly happy with that.
You don't have to do anything just to please other people.
But let them know soon! Flowers

AnneOfQueenSables · 29/07/2020 16:09

If your DP would 'totally understand', I don't understand why you're having all this angst about it. Cancel and be grateful you have a very understanding DP.
I'd be annoyed if my DH agreed to go away with my friends and then cried off when it got closer. Although, I'd go on my own and leave him at home.

asIlayfrying · 29/07/2020 16:11

First I would look into being sick on the weekend and re-booking later on - check with the venue.
If you have to go, make the most of it. Go in with a smile on your face, find out what good things there are to see/do while you are there and don't feel bad about having early night/sneaking off to watch a movie and catching up on rest. And if possible don't drink too much as that makes everything worse in my experience.

I sympathise, I just had a weekend away with a couple and tbh with Covid I have lost my ability to tolerate anyone apart from my family for more than about 2 hours. The nosy questions, the chit chat, the commentary on my parenting, the dumping me with the kids .... I was in bed every night with the kids and got as much swimming and fresh air as i could just to keep calm.

I think the most important thing is to not go in with your head hanging down though. That will get you off to a bad start. Just look at how you can manage it so you have a reasonably good time.

purplecorkheart · 29/07/2020 16:14

Your DP sounds nice and I would probably go for their sake. I would however do my own thing during the day. I would go for the meal and make polite chitchat and then cry off to bed early.

madbirdlady22 · 29/07/2020 16:21

I wouldn't want to do this! It is hard to make conversation for the whole weekend with someone that is young enough to be your dd with zero in common. Painful for you and painful for her.

I would compromise and go for one night. Make up some excuse about the first night, and grit your teeth and drink lots of wine making a mental note never to do it again. If you turn up quite late on the Saturday you will have only have the dinner to get through, and leave after breakfast.

Bargebill19 · 29/07/2020 16:26

Work emergency, family emergency or you get food poisoning. If you want an excuse!

You are not being unreasonable to not want to go or to just say no, you’ve changed your mind.

ravenmum · 29/07/2020 16:26

Don't drink lots of wine, or you'll be on here wondering how you can get out of the swinger party you have arranged with them!

daysofpearlyspencer · 29/07/2020 16:29

If her partnes is 40+ then she must expect that she will be socialising with people in that age bracket; she is probably more anxious than you!
I would go and if its awful then its only 2 days out of your life and lesson learned for next time OR develop a new dry, cough...

seashoreseashore · 29/07/2020 16:32

It's supposed to be fun going way for the weekend. Honestly cut yourself some slack and look after yourself. Just say you're not going, you've had a difficult few months and you need time to yourself. Don't let something so unimportant upset you so much. Take care and put yourself first. You're not mad, you're human.

Kittykat93 · 29/07/2020 16:42

I wouldn't go. I've forced myself to go on hen weekends etc that seemed a good idea at the time but I dreaded as the time came closer. I wish I'd have had the guts to just say I'd changed my mind!

Babyboomtastic · 29/07/2020 16:45

Do all the prior who day sure shouldn't go, raise this means her husband will also loose his weekend away with friends, that has been paid for, as well.

Whenwillow · 29/07/2020 16:45

I honestly think if OP and her partner aren't going to go, a couple of weeks notice is way more considerate than last minute.
I'd be surprised if the other couple are wildly excited about it too. They'll probably be relieved!

TheSoapyFrog · 29/07/2020 16:58

Tbh I think you've left it too late to pull out now. It probably won't be half as bad as your anxiety is making you think it is. Suck it up, try and enjoy it and if you hate it, don't book it again.