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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to go away with them!

113 replies

Nonotthisagain · 29/07/2020 13:00

DP and I have arranged to go away for the weekend with another couple. We've been away together before and he knows it was my least favourite weekend away ever. I'm late 40's as is my partner and his friend, but friend's girlfriend is 15 ish years younger than us so I do feel older and frumpier than her (also I'm a bit heavier post lockdown!)

It's getting closer and I absolutely do not want to go. I never have any desire to go away with other couples, we're always really happy just us together but this was arranged when we were all a bit tipsy!

I'm now so so anxious about it and dreading going. I don't have much money to spare and don't want to spend it on a weekend I desperately don't want to go on and will feel shit about myself.

I know I shouldn't have agreed to it at the time - do I have to just suck it up now? Would it be awful to cry off?

OP posts:
Monoceros · 29/07/2020 14:54

@ravenmum

She could literally be your daughter; you don't have to compete with her in any way whatsoever. Call her "sweetie", give her instructions on how to cook or stand straight and talk about what she wants to be when she grows up.
This is so rude and condescending. The only thing this woman did wrong is being younger than the op! I also can't quite believe that most people are advising the op not to go. It is really bad manners not to go in these circumstances. I think the op should just suck it up and go and next time be careful not to agree to things you don't feel like doing.
Original poster
Nonotthisagain · 29/07/2020 14:59

@livefornaps

Maybe don't get so pissed that you agree to spaff money up the wall. You were probably spurring them on.

Bloody hell, they're probably relieved your not going.

It was not my idea or my egging on, I just went along with things target unthinkingly but hey, thanks for being so vile.
OP posts:
Inaseagull · 29/07/2020 15:02

Can you ask your friend if they have another couple they could go with as ‘something’s come up’ and get your money back (or as near as).

ravenmum · 29/07/2020 15:02

Obvious joke was not obvious Grin

Crazyprojectparent · 29/07/2020 15:03

I don't blame you at all for not wanting to go OP, if you can't face it then you shouldn't feel you have to. There have been plenty of times I have needed my DH's support in bowing out of an event with minimal embarrassment, and I have never regretted not going (but have regretted going a few times...)

Having said that if you do decide to go don't assume this younger woman is judging you (unless you know she is). My DH is 10 years older than me, and some of his friends are 5 or 6 years older than him. We have been away together and I have had a great time and lots of laughs. It wouldn't occur to me to assume I wouldn't have a good time with people based on their ages, and indeed some of the best people I have been away with have been 15 years older than me. We probably dress differently (I might be more of a skinny jeans and nice top type, and they might be more walking boots and fleeces) but that is also to do with general preference and is fine by me - there has been more than one occasion when I have borrowed a jacket and felt a right fool for not dressing more appropriately. Also I have looked terrible in front of them while dealing with newborns, and they have looked terrible in front of me while in the midst of bereavement. Sometimes I have felt out of place because they are making references to things that happened before I was born, or when I was very young. Sometimes I refer to things that leaves them with politely blank looks on their faces. We have a laugh and move on. I would be devastated if I thought that my presence made them less likely to want to go away with my DH.

Original poster
Nonotthisagain · 29/07/2020 15:04

@Inaseagull

Can you ask your friend if they have another couple they could go with as ‘something’s come up’ and get your money back (or as near as).
It's really a very small amount of money - was a real bargain, I'd happily cover our half and theirs if they chose not to go but can't for a minute think they wouldn't go on their own
OP posts:
heartsonacake · 29/07/2020 15:06

YABU. You should go. You aren’t going to do yourself any favours by avoiding anxious situations. That just feeds the anxiety and makes it worse in the future.

Are you getting help for your anxiety? Because if you aren’t, you should be. It’s excessive.

EarlGreyJenny · 29/07/2020 15:07

I'm feel your pain OP. I get stressed about exactly things like this too. If you're not going to pull out then you're going to have to get your head around it. There is no point in ruining the next few weeks. Also it's not really fair on your DP. Choose an outfit that you feel good in, regardless of how new or trendy it is. Get some new accessories. Get your hair done. Drink lots of wine. Remember it's only 48 hours of your life and with your age comes wisdom and experience. Learn not to commit to things you'll regret later (then tell me how to do that).

Tooshytoshine · 29/07/2020 15:08

The other woman is in her twenties and with her older boyfriend. She will no doubt be too busy thinking about herself. You will in comparison seem self assured and sophisticated. You don't have to care what she thinks anyway.

I love a city break - just choose the bits you want to do. You might need to book restaurants, galleries, museums etc... Make a list, invite them to the bits you wan them to come to and have the best of all world's - time with partner and then have it diluted with friends...

backseatcookers · 29/07/2020 15:08

@ravenmum

She could literally be your daughter; you don't have to compete with her in any way whatsoever. Call her "sweetie", give her instructions on how to cook or stand straight and talk about what she wants to be when she grows up.
This is so nasty! She might be a perfectly nice woman, nothing OP has said implies otherwise. Women in their 20s are not idiots. I ran my own business from 25. Needlessly mean spirited suggestion.
backseatcookers · 29/07/2020 15:10

@Tooshytoshine

The other woman is in her twenties and with her older boyfriend. She will no doubt be too busy thinking about herself. You will in comparison seem self assured and sophisticated. You don't have to care what she thinks anyway.

I love a city break - just choose the bits you want to do. You might need to book restaurants, galleries, museums etc... Make a list, invite them to the bits you wan them to come to and have the best of all world's - time with partner and then have it diluted with friends...

People really hate women in their 20s don't they! I'm 33 and wouldn't dream of presuming the personality traits of a total stranger whatever their age is.
candycane222 · 29/07/2020 15:11

For me it would depend where it was. In your shoes I'd probably find something nearby that I know I'd enjoy doing/seeing/experiencing and focus on looking forward to that.

I used to be known as 'really keen on long walks' and spend hours looking at maps, when a lot of my enthusiasm was because it got me out of dear-but-dull relatives' house. But as I really do like long walks, it was win-win!

WendyHoused · 29/07/2020 15:12

It would be very rude to back out.

dodgeballchamp · 29/07/2020 15:12

You’re way overthinking this and yes, YABU. I don’t think it’s normal to feel as you do - very strange to feel so negatively about people you’re meant to be friends with. This woman has done nothing wrong except the crime of being young and attractive! If your self esteem is so bad you feel this anxious, I think you do need to look at that.

Inaseagull · 29/07/2020 15:15

If you are not bothered about the money and it’s no skin off their nose, just cancel. They have plenty of time to source another couple if they want to. Life is too short to feel forced into something you don’t want to do. As you get older, this becomes easier and easier.

ravenmum · 29/07/2020 15:16

I have to say that I used to get anxious about social situations with my exh; although I wouldn't have avoided them, I didn't enjoy them. When we went out with his friends, some of them were simply rather onbnoxious and others were funny towards me when I didn't speak the language as well.

Now I have a new bf, and things are quite different. Even when the people we meet are obnoxious (which is less often the case) or weird, he is usually the first to mention it afterwards, whereas with my exh, if I mentioned it, he would always defend them as if I was being nasty criticising them. So with the new bf, I don't feel alone - and I know that if he thought I was uncomfortable, he'd suggest we left. Whereas with my exh, it seemed that if he knew I was not happy, he'd drag it out as long as possible to make sure I didn't "get my own way" or something.
The new bf's attitude means that I feel a lot happier anyway.

I wonder if there's anything like this going on here?

purplecorkheart · 29/07/2020 15:16

Can I ask why the last weekend was unpleasant for you?

ravenmum · 29/07/2020 15:17

@backseatcookers As I say, I thought that was a very obvious joke. Of course no-one would do that ... would they???

ravenmum · 29/07/2020 15:19

My point was that the weekend could be unpleasant for the younger woman - as she is potentially the same age as all the others' children, she could easily feel totally out of place and all alone! I don't see why OP would feel out of place, when she is in the majority here.

Orchidfeed · 29/07/2020 15:21

Seems a shame to waste a mini break
Assuming it’s an interesting place with various things to do -could you go and do different things and just meet for drinks/dinner?

OldBean2 · 29/07/2020 15:22

OP, just cancel it. Say in the cold light of day and with COVID-19 you have decided that now is not the right time.

No one will think any the less of you but stead plan to do something nice and that you enjoy with your partner. Life is not supposed to be full of obligations that make you miserable. Do it by text and do it now.

And no, you are not mad, being difficult or putting people out.

SquirrelFan · 29/07/2020 15:25

OP, I completely understand your reasons for not wanting to go. I would feel the same. That said, I suggest you put your big girl pants on and give it a try. You can, as Madcatlady71 said, split up for a lot of the activities and just meet up for dinner. If you are not all in the same hotel room, you might be surprised how little time you actually spend together!
This trip could be an opportunity. This younger woman could wind up being a good friend (they do say to make friends younger than you are as you age). Someone in this city might offer you a job. Stranger things have happened.

Chocoholic12 · 29/07/2020 15:28

Your 40 years old. If you do not want to go, do not go. No messing about. Im in my 30s and have no time for all that. If I'll hate it I'm not doing it. Maybe Im just selfish though 😂

VettiyaIruken · 29/07/2020 15:29

Lord, these things are supposed to be fun not torture!
You do not need to put yourself through a weekend you are absolutely dreading. In your shoes I'd tell my husband to go by himself and enjoy a weekend to myself.

You won't be letting her down because I doubt she'll give a flying fuck if you're there or not. Your husband can have a nice time with his friend and you don't have to get through a weekend from hell.

It's ok to say you aren't going.
It's paid, so the money is gone either way. I'd rather not pay to have a crap weekend when I can bail on it, have a nice weekend and just accept the money is the price to pay.

Gazelda · 29/07/2020 15:30

I think YABU. And rude to agree to something that has meant a £cost for others and then want to back out. What a shame for your DP.

However, in the circumstances it's probably best to blame Covid and say you're anxious about travelling at the moment. You won't enjoy yourself and the others might feel the unease which could spoil their enjoyment.

Whatever you do, don't ever agree to a weekend away with them again because to cancel another time would probably damage the friendship

And I'd speak with your GP about your anxiety. It does seem disproportionate and is affecting your life.

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