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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to go away with them!

113 replies

Nonotthisagain · 29/07/2020 13:00

DP and I have arranged to go away for the weekend with another couple. We've been away together before and he knows it was my least favourite weekend away ever. I'm late 40's as is my partner and his friend, but friend's girlfriend is 15 ish years younger than us so I do feel older and frumpier than her (also I'm a bit heavier post lockdown!)

It's getting closer and I absolutely do not want to go. I never have any desire to go away with other couples, we're always really happy just us together but this was arranged when we were all a bit tipsy!

I'm now so so anxious about it and dreading going. I don't have much money to spare and don't want to spend it on a weekend I desperately don't want to go on and will feel shit about myself.

I know I shouldn't have agreed to it at the time - do I have to just suck it up now? Would it be awful to cry off?

OP posts:

welcometohell · 29/07/2020 13:38

Does your DP want to go? If I was looking forward to a weekend away with friends, it was all booked and paid for and DH suddenly told me we needed to cancel because one of the other men going on the trip was younger and more attractive than him I wouldn't be very impressed.

Justbrowsinghere · 29/07/2020 13:38

Don’t go! Last year I convinced my self to go away with my boyfriend and his family for a long weekend to the south of France. The setting was absolutely stunning and at the start I genuinely was so excited. But by the end it was a terrible weekend for me. I really regretted being pressured into it. I’m an adult and if I decide I don’t want to do something, I should make your own decisions and accept the consequences of said decisions.

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/07/2020 13:39

Have you considered speaking to your GP OP? I suffer with anxiety and these are the sorts of extremes of things I think when that has been bad. I don't think it sounds healthy or usual to be in a state for weeks over a weekend away, when part of the reason is that another woman going is slimmer and younger than you. You need to be tackling how you feel about yourself. Putting on some weight in lockdown shouldn't mean you feel ypu can't be in company or next to a slimmer woman. The age gap also means absolutely nothing here, enjoyable conversation doesn't have an age limit and it is only a short break.

As an aside, if you absolutely don't want to go then simply cancel it. You're an adult and don't have to do anything you don't want. Simply tell your DP you have changed your mind and cancel the plans. Given the covid situation I'm sure everyone will assume it's down to that. I really would have a food think about what an impact anxiety and self esteem is having on life though. When it stops you from doing things and takes up weeks of your time, it needs addressing.

YgritteSnow · 29/07/2020 13:39

but money, job, menopause etc has all come at once - I don't think it's that abnormal to be feeling a bit shit considering all that? Christ am I in a worse state than I think!? I honestly thought I wasn't being ridiculous to feel like this

You're not! This is MN. It doesn't reflect RL. Please don't think the way you feel is massively problematic. It isn't.

merryhouse · 29/07/2020 13:47

This is a genuine question.

Why is it more important to look good on a holiday than in your ordinary life?

Presumably you don't spend all your time worrying about how you compare to younger colleagues, shop assistants, gym-goers? You've been going through your wardrobe full of clothes you've been wearing for months discarding everything because it's not good enough for this one particular young woman to see.

Treat this as a work meeting. Wear something appropriate to the occasion that indicates to your companions that you have made a bit of an effort. Be prepared to talk about the subject at hand (I realise it could be absolutely anything, in which case have some general thoughts on the state of the world and what you'd like to do). Be polite, and ensure you're neither dominating the conversation nor completely non-contributory.

billy1966 · 29/07/2020 13:49

OP,

Nothing at ALL ridiculous in how you are feeling.

You are NOT feeling it.

Completely understandable in the real world.

Bail.

Make the decision and cancel.

You don't want to, and it is that simple.

There are things we just have to suck up in life and this isn't one of them.

You will feel lighter immediately when the decision is made.

Peri menopausal symptoms can be full of little incidents like this where you can feel allergic and panicked by things.

You need to get yourself B vitamin complex supplement which will help support your nervous system. (I found them great)

Make the decision soon, tell them and relieve yourself of this unnecessary stress 👍

ItWasNotOK · 29/07/2020 13:53

I would never go away for a weekend with another couple. It just seems so dull and staid. You don't get the fun/sex/romance of being with just your partner, but you also don't get the mad shrieking laughter of when it's just mates.

I generally find couples where the guy is 20 years older than the woman cringe as fuck and have no interest in hanging out with people in that dynamic.

But yes, please, get some confidence around your looks!

ineedaholidaynow · 29/07/2020 13:57

Could you blame COVID and change your mind?

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 29/07/2020 13:58

Why was the last time so bad? You've got a few weeks so can you put things in place now to make it better?

Just because she is younger than you doesn't mean she isn't insecure about things either, for all you know she could be panicking about going because she thinks you think she's a ditzy younger woman etc. How do you get on with her outside of this weekend? Is it just her you're worried about?

FWIW I know how bad the anticipation anxiety can get, is it possible it's just the build up and once there it'll be gone? Yesterday we were meeting friends for a walk and I was feeling anxiety ridden and nauseated until 5 mins after meeting and was fine.

Original poster

Nonotthisagain · 29/07/2020 13:59

Crikey I feel worse now than I did an hour ago. I didn't think I was bonkers then!

I haven't been going through my wardrobe of clothes I've been wearing for months (as a pp has said) as I've lived in comfy 'round the house' clothing! It's a trendy city break and I have nothing that fits/is suitable.

No one will lose any money as it was paid for straight away - other couple can still go no problem.

Dp does know how I feel about going away with other people - I make it very clear after last time I didn't enjoy that much and didn't want to again.

I feel even more stressed now 🤣

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 29/07/2020 13:59

You've spent the money already, which is bad enough. Don't make things even worse by spending the weekend away.

Mrsjayy · 29/07/2020 14:04

Honestly if others can step into your place just cancel you shouldn't be doing anything that stresses you this much.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/07/2020 14:06

@Nonotthisagain

Crikey I feel worse now than I did an hour ago. I didn't think I was bonkers then!

No one will lose any money as it was paid for straight away - other couple can still go no problem.

Dp does know how I feel about going away with other people - I make it very clear after last time I didn't enjoy that much and didn't want to again.

I feel even more stressed now 🤣

Would your DP still go on his own with another couple though? If not presumably he will lose his money

cardibach · 29/07/2020 14:09

@ItWasNotOK

I generally find couples where the guy is 20 years older than the woman cringe as fuck and have no interest in hanging out with people in that dynamic.

But yes, please, get some confidence around your looks!

It’s a bit sad you see the couples you are friends with as being so dull. Most people can manage to have a laugh with their friends even if some of them are in a relationship.

workhomesleeprepeat · 29/07/2020 14:11

Why does this woman make you so insecure?? Shes probably insecure thinking you all think she's some silly young thing.

If you don't want to go just don't go. You're a full grown woman, no need to fret endlessly if you just don't want to do something.

On the other hand, I can see you've had some knocks recently - as have I, but I don't understand why this now makes you insecure and need to buy new clothes etc?? If I was going away with friends I would just dress comfy and relax. If you can't do that, then just don't go. And use the holiday time to read some self help or something, you sound very wound up about something that is just not that deep.

1forAll74 · 29/07/2020 14:18

You have now built up all your anxious feelings about this weekend away, but you are at liberty to not go if you choose, despite it may upset your partner. I would hate to go away with other people,so know how you feel, although it would not be because of all the reasons you have stated, as in a younger woman being there, or any clothes issues etc. It's just a personal thing, I don't like any groupie things at all.

newyearnoeu · 29/07/2020 14:20

But why did you agree to go? That's the weird part to me.I understand you had had a drink but these things don't happen instantaneously -you would have had enough time to say "oh can we double check and come back to you tomorrow I'm sure I've said yes to something else that weekend/ a few things already that month" or "can we have a look at the numbers before we book, money is a bit tight atm"

It's not at all weird to not want to go away with specific people -if you actually hated the couple or just both really liked different things so wouldn't be compatible for a a weekend away that would make perfect sense.

However it is a bit unusual to not think of anyone at all you would be happy to go away with in any circumstances, and, yes, it is weird for your main reason to not want to go away being because you don't have the right clothes.

And not weird but it is and always has been rude to say yes to something and then drop out unless with a really good reason. Yeah they could still go on their own but presumably if they had wanted to go alone they could have done so at any point since they got together - going with you was obviously the tipping point for them to arrange it. Not to mention your dh presumably wants to go too and it seems unfair to disappoint him because you don't think youve got anything appropriate to wear....

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 29/07/2020 14:23

You’re not just feeling a bit shit though. You’re spending bring three weeks feeling sick and stressing about what you’re going to wear so much so that you’d rather cancel than go.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/07/2020 14:26

Don't go!!!

Be ill and at least save the extras you'd have spent on food, drinks etc.

frazzledasarock · 29/07/2020 14:30

I wouldn't go. I'd bow out now, blame covid or a prior engagement you forgot about in your drunken haze.

Life's too short to spend it dreading a weekend and then feeling miserable on a 'break' away.

Fatted · 29/07/2020 14:33

The thing is OP, it is normal to feel a bit shit about yourself in the circumstances you're facing. But you are then using that as an excuse to avoid actively living your life. This is a symptom of depression and I'd say based on what you've said, you sound depressed. The weekend away is less of an issue than your low self esteem.

There are no rules about what to wear on a city break. You do not have to look the same as someone 20 years younger than you. I work with people young enough to be my daughters, I think I make more of an effort than they do with my appearance. Do you have much in common in the way of conversation with this other couple?

ravenmum · 29/07/2020 14:44

She could literally be your daughter; you don't have to compete with her in any way whatsoever. Call her "sweetie", give her instructions on how to cook or stand straight and talk about what she wants to be when she grows up.

Original poster

Nonotthisagain · 29/07/2020 14:44

I'm not using as an excuse to not 'actively live my life' I'm going about my life fine, doing all the usual, perusing my usual pastimes etc. I just don't want to go on this weekend. I'm not sitting here a sobbing wreck.

With respect I don't think it's fair to diagnose me as depressed based on one thing which I have a number of reasons not to want to do.

OP posts:

MadCatLady71 · 29/07/2020 14:48

If it’s a city break, can you go along but opt out of some (most) of the group activities? Or even suggest that you do your own things (as two separate couples) during the day and just meet up for dinner? I’d always rather stay at the hotel and use the gym / pool, or just read than trail around sightseeing or going to bars so my partner knows I’ll choose to do that instead of trailing around in a group.

livefornaps · 29/07/2020 14:52

Maybe don't get so pissed that you agree to spaff money up the wall. You were probably spurring them on.

Bloody hell, they're probably relieved your not going.

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