in laws visiting!!! [shock]

[cjsausie]

Am i being a grumpy mean spirited old moaner..?!? the inlaws have just announced they are coming in 3 weeks for 2 weeks. They alwatys give us really short notice and it drives me crazy. I am totally stressed about them coming as i have had a really difficult year (ds 5 dd1 3 and dd2 1 ) dd2 has been a very demanding baby and i have been a frazzled mum with some really low spells. Just when i feel slightly in control again, ds starting school, dd1 at nursery 3 afternoons,but still don't feel up to extended visitors. My own paretns are a struggle for 3 nights but the inlaws are south african and so come for a few weeks. fair enough and i really don't want to deprive them of seeing their grandchldren -it's just they are such hard work (having had people to do all their housework and some childcare they just don't see what i have to do!) messy, rarely lift a finger and i find it hard to ask,fussy eaters, comment on how i parent differently from their daughter, and are so difficult to have any decent conversation with as they have such extreme views (apartheid a good thing etc!!!). We don't have a huge house with guest bedroom and so it is a juggle and a squash. And they always come in autumn and winter then moan about the cold!
So i just feel like a rant and know i should just put up with it but i want to cry! Any messages of support or slaps round the face to tell me to cheer up gratefully received!

yeah sod them just say they can't come

or go out everynight when they are there .. my MIL think me and dp have a fabulous lifestyle going out all the time

tee hee

Dh is usually good at taking some time off although he having week off for half term so will be limited in holiday plus taking time off at nshort notice stresses him when he's busy too. We have had this problem for years and i do often say they should come and we go on holiday together but then they only come when it suits them! You're right and i must try to be mor firm and assert my needs , i do tend to excuse them things as we only see them once a year but it's no good if i dread their visits. Will have to insist they come in summer holidays in future! DS will be at school all day, DD1 at nursery 3 afternoons and i lose those precious hours when she at nursery and DD2 naps - i have only got my own space back after 17 months of no time during day to do stuff or to myself and resent my 2 hours three days a week being disturbed. Feel like i am being soooo selfish and unreasonable but just wish they would be a bit more organised themselves ie we have to book their trains car hires etc for when they arrive and then suggest days out when they here - and there is loads to do as we live in a beautiful place but October/ November ?!?! Rain/dark nights.......
Think will have to insist DH speaks to them! and i suppose i should feel relieved - last year they came for 4 weeks when DD2 was only tiny!!!

Oh and my parents live few hours away so can't even off load them there and the thought of all staying at once far too hideous to contemplate..

If they have money its such a pity they wont stay in a b&b or hotel, I don't think you're being unselfish in the slightest. Mine asked to stay recently and jokingly ( ahem ) I said only if you bring wine and clean my floor... they didn't come in the end and went on holiday instead ..

Crikey, sounds bad .

IMHY - respect!! I would really love to just say no you can't come but would feel so guilty like I am depriving the kiddies and DH does put up with mine several times a year even if for only couple nights at a time.
Wouldn't feel so aggrieved but BIL getting married in May and i suggested we all have a holiday together then (nice big villa sun no stress) hoping that would mean we would escape visitation before then but NO!!! now have to have them and spend next (and first abroad holiday since DD2 born] with all IL family!!!

It helped that i unplugged the phone the week before they were due (I was on the internet .. had a lot on with work/mumsnet..)

cj, you're not being unreasonable in the slightest. You've done the grind for years and of course those few child free hours a week are PRECIOUS.

Maybe it's too late for this time, but your DH really, really should talk to his parents about planning further ahead in future so that he can be home. Surely they have to see the benefit of coming when their son and their grandchildren won't be mostly out of the house all day?

Or maybe not! Maybe they like a quieter house and a nice DIL to wait on them

rebel mum so funny! were they offended??

HG - hmmmm worryingly think there may be some truth in that... last visit MIL handed me her laundry saying "don't put the green t shirt in with the whites in case it runs" I mean !!!!! i was speechless that's what having a maid in an unjust society for 45 years does for you...

we got a text to say they we're in Italy ... there are comments about us not ever answering the phone .. I think they may be suspicious but she been a bit nasty so I don't feel guilty at all. Oh dd must have deleted messages, etc I always have a reason.. I think she might guess when she gets pegs for christmas

that's outrageous cj!

You have three kids, all very young; you cannot be expected to service the needs of visitors who stay for weeks as well! The more i hear about this, the angrier it makes me!

your DH is the key here. just make it clear to him that this is the last time it can happen this way. You now have 3 kids. He needs to make them understand. You sound too sweet natured for your own good, don't let them all do this to you!

AAAAArrrrggghhhhh on your behalf. What a nightmare. Any chance of them changing their flight and sharing the half term break with you ? Your dh has already booked that time off and as all 3 dcs will be at home you won't be missing out on "me" time. damage limitation type exercise. Btw what does your dh think about the very short notice ?

I'm afraid you don't even need to live in an unjust society in order for having a maid to do your dirty work turn you into someone who expects to be waited on hand and foot .

But you don't have to play the role of the maid just because they try to foist it upon you. Sit your PILs down with a lovely cup of tea and explain in your most generous voice with your most gracious smile how they are free to use the washing machine at any time they like, just not in the morning (for example) when you do the family's washing . Ditto the iron and ironing board. Etc.

cjsausie, I feel so sorry for you. I only have two dc's but have found it so difficult in the past to cope if family expects to stay with us, just for a short time. I try not to do it now as it spoils the whole thing. I find I cant enjoy it with the added pressure/stress with increased work load and jiggling the kids with guests kipping in the lounge. I also find it causes myself and dp to have rows which we rarely do normally! Not to mention inlaws being different from yourselves! If I was you I would be inclined to alter things for the future gradually. Especially now your ds has started school. Maybe things can be gently said about them staying somewhere else to enable you to deal/cope with the children better in a routine esp being that ds is at school now and dd in nursery. How does your dh view it all, does he understand and would he help by standing up for you in a bid to try to gently ease them to stay else where. I totally understand you being so upset and you are not alone. Fingers crossed you can sort out this and releave yourself from this burden. I know it makes you feel bad but coping in your own family life is hard enough without extra work and people that probably dont appreciate you for what you are doing. I hope you can sort it, if not this time but for later on. Good luck.

irritatingly DH seems to accept short notice - he being of equally southern hemispherian laid back attitude - maybe is me being organised control freak?! But no we book dinner dates with friends up the road months in advance as everyone has busy lives don't they???
Half term holiday would have been good idea and we did suggest it few months ago when they mentioned they might come in October but then thay said they weren't going too and now our half term is next week!
I probably overdid the playing the good host perfect mother/housewife card initially so am own worst enemy
Just have to find courage to speak up....

Gawd yes, just point them to the bread and cheese and "tea-making equipment over there".

Also totally off to expect you to sort out their day trips. Obviously reasonable to give them information aobut the local area but I think guests should have the good manners to help out and look after themselves during the day. That's touched a raw nerve because I live abroad and I get mightly peeved when people come and stay, and I'm expected to produce wonderful meals, keep house, look after the children, shop for food, work three days a week and then take them on sight-seeing tours. GRrrrrrrrrr.

thanks chloesmum - good to know it isn't me being a selfish cow! i do hate the stress and tension it causes and me and DH argue too.
Thanks everyone will thrash it out with DH tonight and see if we can do some damage limitation before it's too late.. a friend of mine just had a kitchen fire and her inlaws due next week, so there is always extreme avoidance tactics!

cj - YANBU i would be horrified at the thought of anyone in my house for two weeks, let alone my in laws and mine are OK. They do have a lot of views i dont agree with but they know better than to air them around me.

The thing is with South Africans (and im not being racist it just seems there is a trend!) is that they are so blardy blunt! I have several SA friends and sometimes i can be really taken aback by how they speak to people. It would be easy to get offended TBH. BUT, and this is what i have found, its just their way, i guess the same as just being conservative and up our own arses is the british way. What i have learnt is this though, if you are straight to the point and blunter with them than you would ever dream of being with anyone else, they seem to like that and respond really well. Rather like a tell it like it is attitude that we don't feel so comfortable with. So, maybe, just maybe you could say to them straight, look, we would love to see you but i really can't cope with house guests for any more than a few days as i dont have the privalige of hired help!! Of course being ILs it will probably go straight over their heads but im willing to bet they wont be offended.

When my in-laws visit (only ever for 2 or 3 nights), I don't make them breakfast or cups of tea. They know where the kettle is. I'll shop for dinner and lunch, but they (really MIL) often prepare their own lunch.

Washing hasn't been an issue for us, but there really is no reason for you to be doing their washing. Tell them where the machine/washing powder is and they can do it themselves. It's not like you're sending them to the launderette.

You are not their servant. You have 3 children to look after. Your in-laws are old enough to look after themselves.

poor you!!