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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in laws visiting!!! [shock]

48 replies

cjsausie · 01/10/2007 11:34

Am i being a grumpy mean spirited old moaner..?!? the inlaws have just announced they are coming in 3 weeks for 2 weeks. They alwatys give us really short notice and it drives me crazy. I am totally stressed about them coming as i have had a really difficult year (ds 5 dd1 3 and dd2 1 ) dd2 has been a very demanding baby and i have been a frazzled mum with some really low spells. Just when i feel slightly in control again, ds starting school, dd1 at nursery 3 afternoons,but still don't feel up to extended visitors. My own paretns are a struggle for 3 nights but the inlaws are south african and so come for a few weeks. fair enough and i really don't want to deprive them of seeing their grandchldren -it's just they are such hard work (having had people to do all their housework and some childcare they just don't see what i have to do!) messy, rarely lift a finger and i find it hard to ask,fussy eaters, comment on how i parent differently from their daughter, and are so difficult to have any decent conversation with as they have such extreme views (apartheid a good thing etc!!!). We don't have a huge house with guest bedroom and so it is a juggle and a squash. And they always come in autumn and winter then moan about the cold!
So i just feel like a rant and know i should just put up with it but i want to cry! Any messages of support or slaps round the face to tell me to cheer up gratefully received!

OP posts:
LilBloodRedWantsGore · 01/10/2007 11:36

(Hugs) No advice sorry, just sympathy at the situation.

AngharadGoldenhand · 01/10/2007 11:36

Can you book them into a b&b or hotel?

pollywollydoodle · 01/10/2007 11:37

2 weeks!
gordon bennett i'd be gibbering why are they coming for so long?....can't they stay in a guest house?

pollywollydoodle · 01/10/2007 11:38

just seen why 2 weeks...sorry....still don't they want to see anywhere else in the country?

RubySlippers · 01/10/2007 11:39

book them into a B & B
or you go to a B & B
if they don't like your food, suggest they cook
arrange a night out or two with your DH so they can babysit
if all else fails, lock yourself in the bathroom with a bottle of wine

oh, and if your DH usually works, get him to take some time off so he can entertain them too

pollywollydoodle · 01/10/2007 11:42

in fact why not book them an overnight stay somewhere in the middle?
and i always stick with normal routine if in laws come...that helps me...

lilolilmanchester · 01/10/2007 11:44

YANBU for being stressed about this - but you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. They are your DP's parents and your DC's grandparents, so I guess you don't have a lot of choice if they've already booked tickets. Would you be able to afford to put them in a local B&B for the duration so you get a bit of space? Or suggest that they might get more peace and relaxation if they paid to stay somewhere else? So they're not with you 24x7? If not, then you need some coping strategies. Discuss with you DP how best to ask them to help - ie say "please entertain the children while I make tea" or " would you clear the table while I put the children to bed". They might not be used to helping but I think there's nothing wrong with asking them to do some specific jobs while they're here. Also, start meal planning now, start buying things in that'll keep and make a few meals and put them in the freezer. If you tell us what they do/don't eat, I'm sure that you'll get lots of meal ideas from MNetters. And feel free to rant away when you need moral support. We had my DMIL to stay for almost 3 weeks once (won't bore you with the reasons why it was that long) and it wasn't easy, for all the reasons you mention. She died last year, and am now very glad we did have her when we could.Didn't make it any easier at the time tho!

lilolilmanchester · 01/10/2007 11:45

took a phone call while writing this, wasn't just ignoring what the others wrote!

chocolatedot · 01/10/2007 11:55

God you have my sympathy. I have 3 children like you and also have in laws from sunnier climes who stay for ages and ages. Of course you have to get them to go for a trip but even then, it's going to be a hard slog. Try and cook up loads of meals now for the freeezer (simple thing like bolognese sauce) which might ease the burden slightly.

Original poster
cjsausie · 01/10/2007 11:56

Thanks yes i know i should feel relieved at the prospect of babysitters and help with the children and MIL is ok really just FIL total pain. And DH doesn't realy get on with father anyway! B and B not an option sadly as it is expensive for them to come here anyway and they do want to see the kids.... no solutions really except wine and valium to get me through washing FIl skiddy undies (yuck!) wiping and putting toilet seat down after him (bigger yuck) staying calm when he leaves the mackerel skins he has for breakfast lying round the kitchen (DH and i just got round to eating mackerel again after their last visit last year!!), not being pissed off when he answers my phone calls and proceeds to confuse caller in his thick africaans accent and biting tongue when he rants how wonderful SA is despite murders etc and how it would be even better if still had apartheid! I know could be worse!!God this feels goooood!!! Thank you all you lovely people - best go and do lunch for DDs

OP posts:
snowleopard · 01/10/2007 11:58

Oh you poor thing - they sound awful.

Yes have a night out with DH, suggest to them that they have a nice trrip out on their own somewhere, and I would also book a night out just for you with a friend, just so you can get a break and have a rant. Lots of MNing so you can let off steam, and plan a lovely relaxing time for whenthey go - make sure you haven't anything else booked, have a haircut or facial, buy yourself some new bubble bath or whatever and have an evening's relaxation leaving DH in charge - and dream of it in difficult moments while they're here.

On the plus side, you get them out of the way well before Christmas, and although 2 weeks will be hard, it's all done in a one-er and they're not on your back day in, day out. Little consolation I know!

HonoriaGlossop · 01/10/2007 11:58

They're your DH's parents - HE MUST HAVE THE TIME OFF WORK AND DEAL WITH THEM HIMSELF!!!!!!

I'm amazed to have read on here how often in-laws are left as the sole responsibility of the wife, when they visit like this. Don't let it happen - ok, maybe he can't have the whole two weeks off, but at least one. I wouldn't accept less!

snowleopard · 01/10/2007 12:00

Oh yes and I forgot - gallons of wine. And chocolate!

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 12:03

Poor, poor you

I think you need to plan like crazy - make out a shopping/menu plan for the fortnight, cook in advance and plan really easy meals (eg grilled meat and salad followed by bread and cheese and fresh fruit) for the days when you haven't got a lasagne, bolognese sauce or whatever stashed in the freezer. And your DH needs to help you with the shopping/organising this weekend.

Can you "buy" a bit of extra help while they are around? Does your local dry cleaners have an ironing service? Can you do all/more shopping on the internet? Could you get a cleaning service in to blitz the house the day before they arrive and the day after they leave?

Countingthegreyhairs · 01/10/2007 12:03

You are definitely NOT being a mean-spirited old moaner. You sound really lovely and I think you are a heroine to even consider having visitors with 3 children under 5!

Have pil issues myself. In summary: I tried to please them all the time but they were never happy. Eg old-fashioned and want three COOKED meals a day plus trays of tea and coffee in between meals. Dishwasher on 5 times a day - seriously!!! Waited on them hand and foot and really made an effort and pulled out all the stops but they still complained. I like my own space but they make me feel like a guest in my own home. Once I got to 40 decided "right, they are never going to be happy anyway, so I'll run things my way and be unapologetic about it" (whilst still remaining polite and respectful etc). I served one meal a day that wasn't cooked and I asked for help: little things like topping and tailing veg, supervising DD getting dressed etc. I told them when I was feeling a tired and said "I'm just going upstairs for a rest for 30 minutes." I ignored remarks about child-rearing to best of ability - when extreme - actually dared to politely defend my position. Since then things have been much, much better all around. I'm less stressed and they seem happier too and more respectful in turn.

Mine live abroad as well so at least we can rejoice in the fact that it's only once a year!!! And, as you say, we don't want to deprive them of their grandchildren and the dc love the extra attention.

If all else fails, agree with others and say "the children are up constantly in the night at the moment and our sleep is very disturbed so I thought you would be more comfortable in a a self-catering cottage/b&b up the road". Even a long w/e break in the middle of the fortnight would be better than nothing.

Courage!!!

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 12:04

I completely agree with Honoria on principle - only how realistic is it that the OP's DH can take time off work in mid-Autumn at 3 weeks' notice?

Countingthegreyhairs · 01/10/2007 12:07

Sorry - just read about b&b not being an option

Agree also about cooking ahead getting dh to take time off

One other thing that helped me was wierdly ('cos its more work in some ways) having my friends and family three of four times during their stay. They can then help/support you a bit and pil have to be on best behaviour.

Ghostashoshabuster · 01/10/2007 12:09

Could your Mum, invite them out for a day with the grandchildren. DDIL is SA and when her parents come over, (DDIL has become VERY British in her ways) she feels the strain, so usually we go out with them and the kids for at least a day.

Luckily her DF and my DS get on really well (both Rugby Mad) so they tend to disappear together.

HonoriaGlossop · 01/10/2007 12:11

counting, that is a really good idea actually; get a friend or family member round who you know will HELP rather than make more work for yourself and hopfefully the in-laws will behave You're very clever...

Anna, OK, two weeks is something to work down from perhaps; but if she hits her ds with having to have two weeks off, perhaps he'll negotiate more happily and offer LESS rather than NOTHING? I refuse to believe that every DH is doing something so unutterably important and vital that means they can't POSSIBLY have ANY time out; 3 weeks isn't huge amounts of notice but depending on the job it may be enough. At the very least maybe he would take Mondays/Fridays so that the weekends are long......they are his parents after all......

Countingthegreyhairs · 01/10/2007 12:12

sorry - grammar and spelling gone to the dogs

meant to say - having my friends and family

OVER three OR four times during their stay

Countingthegreyhairs · 01/10/2007 12:13

thanks HG - comes from bitter experience

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 12:19

To the OP - could you perhaps also use this visit as an opportunity to get your DH to broach the subject of why his parents give such ridiculously short notice before visiting for an extended period?

HonoriaGlossop · 01/10/2007 12:22

Good idea Anna; he could explain that if they give more notice, he could plan his annual leave accordingly to spend the time with them.......

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 12:24

Indeed, bribery

InMyHumbleOpinion · 01/10/2007 12:35

Inform them that you are unable to meet their needs. They will be staying in a bed and breakfast, or you will be moving out to a bed and breakfast alone, if they would rather stay in your house with your children.

Which would they prefer?

I would. I really would. I have no truck with relatives.