AIBU? In laws... Slightly stalker/obsessive behaviour?!

[Melodyry20]

Hey MN's,
Bit of a long one I'm afraid.

My husband does not have a relationship with his sister anymore following his dad passing away and no one told him due to a long standing family feud from years before.

He still had a relationship with his parents over the years, slightly sore but still saw them regularly but not his sister and 2 brothers. And yes, his mother didn't notify him about his dad either.

He has not seen his siblings since his dad's funeral 20 months ago but speaks to his mother a few times a week. She moved back to Gibraltar after his dad died so he rarely sees her.

My issue... MIL seems to report back to SIL & BILs absolutely everything my husband tells her.
A few times hubby has sent photos of our DD2 (born last sept) to MIL, it's quite obvious this gets sent onto SIL. My Daughter had a particular outfit on, SIL daughter (a year older than my DD2) a week later has same outfit. We took daughter to a particular horse riding park, 10 days later they take their daughter same place. I posted a video on social media of daughter on an indoor swing, they then buy their daughter the same swing. Same thing with a kids electric car and items like same curtains, same clock. We had our bathroom redecorated, shes had hers retiled... We're going on holiday, then they're going on holiday etc etc.

I know all this because I recently looked at SILs social media. I've never bothered to look before but last week my friend made me a decoration for my bathroom as she has a crafts company and I posted it online and tagged her hoping she'd get some business.... Well she did, my SIL msged asking her for same one I've got (they don't know each other, my friend recognised the surname and told me). That's when I decided to have a look at SIL online and saw all of the above (swing, horse riding, daughters car, curtains etc).

Hubby knows it's not all coincidence however SIL doesn't like either of us but she quite clearly watches my social media. When I say she doesn't like us, I don't mean just not keen, I mean absolute hatred and despises us, judging by the awful things she has said to and about us and how they've treated my husband over the years.

Because of this I find this behaviour very odd. The Social media aspect I'm not bothered about as I'm putting it out there which is my choice/fault.

However I'm annoyed at my MIL telling tales. Hubby does not ask about his siblings but he's noted his mother is very careful to not to tell him their business yet every little detail about us is passed on. She's aware of the situation between hubby and them but I feel its stirring the pot and shows where his mother's loyalties lie.

I know there will be responses saying 'why does it bother you?'... It just does. They don't like us, we don't like them and I'd rather them not know anything. Yes hubby is sharing but it's his mother at the end of the day....

I can't help but feel SIL is in some secret competition with us that we don't know about as it's past coincidence now. AIBU? It's obviously something I'm not going to resolve but I just want to vent, I find it so strange!

What an odd thing to do.
Maybe she's being deliberately antagonistic?

I remember seeing something ages ago about a girl who copied another girl from Instagram to the letter. Outfits, hair, meals etc. Even the captions on the photos. I think the stalked girl went to the police in the end.

As for MIL who knows what her intentions are, I expect your DH would know best in that aspect.

Lockdown your profile and change your cover photo to a quote like "why you so obsessed with me" or something like that

Seriously, get over it. None of this nonsense even matters. Block your SIL from all of your social media if it makes you feel better. Given you keep looking at her social media, you seem to be stalking her. It's time for all of you to grow up.

If you want to have fun I would start posting about what you bought/did, something really extreme that you definitely aren’t going to do

Like off to wrestle an alligator

Or getting ready for my bungee jump.

And see what happens.

If sil does cotton on to what you are up to it might make her back off.

Considering sil hates you it sounds really odd that she copies you

keep?? I looked once... Today and saw all the above and I won't be looking again. You clearly didn't read my post properly

This would irritate me too. I say block the SIL on all forms of social media. Then if she has the guts to question it, act like you were just culling your SM list down and don't know what she's complaining about.

What has MIL got to do with it though? All of the examples you've given are her copying things from your SM so how do you know MIL is passing things on?

Just set your SM accounts to private then she can't do it anymore.

SIL is blocked... I unblocked her today to have a nose and saw everything. I've now reblocked her. I think she may have a fake account somewhere possibly watching. I wouldn't put it past her, hubby is certain too.

MIL obviously sends anything my hubby sends her, to SIL. Photos, videos of our baby with outfits, toys, outings, things I haven't put on social media yet next thing she's buying them for her daughter....MIL does ask where do we get this and that from? Hubby thinks MIL feels if our baby has it then the other child should too.

I know it's minor, I'm having a vent... Still getting over her msging my friend I want to say something but it's just another can of worms....!

I voted yabu. Why would you even care? You have no relationship with your SIL and only found out because you were snooping on her social media. As for your MIL, maybe she's sharing because for some reason your OH isn't talking to his sister and she wants her to see how your little one is developing (who knows).

You OH shares this info with his mum and you can't stop her from sharing with her own daughter. Only solution would be to not share anything and that would be petty. As for her requesting that decoration from your friend. Your friend runs a business and your SIL is free to buy the exact same item. Your friend really shouldn't be divulging this info to you anyway.

Honestly, it really doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

If your MIL is asking where you bought things etc. Maybe she is buying them for SIL child?

Honestly i would just block SIL and of MIL asks where you got something just Say it was a gift or you don't remember.

It’s weird, yes. People are. Social media just shines a light on how very very weird we apes are.

I’d move on, let the silly woman get on with it. Sucks to be her.

How did you find out about FILs funeral?

If you don't like what she's doing you need to make sure all your social media accounts are private and good security, then she can make 100 new accounts but would be unable to find you or access your account. And, change your name. Noone can find me on social media, perhaps look at doing the same.

She may hate you, but she obviously likes your taste, OP. I do think you and your husband could have great fun planting ideas for your SIL to take up.

I would ignore it or play with it.

It makes no difference to your life at all if she copies you, does it? It makes her seem like a dick to anyone who knows you both and it must take up a lot of her time trying to track down all the things you do/buy/etc. In order to copy them. But it has no impact on you.

File it away under “strange things some idiots do” and forget about it.
Or, if you can’t do that, start taking photos of your DC in made up situations and send them to MIL with made up stories - At a friend’s house who has a piano? A couple of photos later your kids are taking piano lessons. Library having a Mandarin day? A couple of strategic posters and they’re doing Mandarin. Find a discarded runners number in the park after a half marathon event? A couple of safety pins and a photo later and your kid’s just come second in a 5k. Friend with a skateboard? They have a skateboard, next week try the friend with a new bike. Eventually you could try photoshopping and see how far you can go.

But only for as long as it’s fun. Just don’t spend any time being annoyed by it. It isn’t worth it at all.

Sounds like extreme jealousy and I think it is quite stalkerish behaviour. Have a read of this. www.powerofpositivity.com/what-it-means-when-someone-copies-you/

As others have said, lock down your social media and talk to your dh about changing the sort of info he gives to his mum.

Well I think if your MIL can keep her lips clamped about SIL & BIL’s daily bits n bobs, she can jolly well manage it in the other direction too.

One clear statement to her is needed, spelling it out in careful brief phrases. ‘MIL, we’ve become aware that details of our life are casually being relayed to SIL & BIL. If it’s not you, we’re at a loss as to how this has happened. You know surely that it’s not what we want to happen- not pics, not posts, not in chats. Actually a mutual silence is probably the one thing SIL & BIL and we agree on, to keep the peace. Anyway, we’d like to keep including you in our lives, and not have to censor things we say or send to you. So from now on, please keep that in mind. We are going to reassess this all in a month.’

She’ll likely get defensive or argumentative, no matter. You just repeat the message like a broken record. It is how things need to be, and you won’t be going over old ground. It’s your boundaries, and you don’t need to justify or explain them.

When she inevitably tests you (by passing something on), you police your boundaries. Cut back on the calls and get very vague on the weekly debrief. Keep it up until she gets the message. Sadly this cycle will likely repeat. She’s in the habit of passing on your gossip now, and it may be a key part of her chats with her other kids. Hard to reverse it. They’ll probably punish her for not passing on their fix. Eventually her self interest (or morals) will hopefully kick in, and she’ll think twice.

Otherwise, lockdown your Facebook. Including from grandma. If it were my family, she’d be having to earn it back. For her own sake, and continued good relations with your family.

By the way, don’t discount that SIL is purposefully copying you to bait you into drama. It seems very pointed to be just ‘she likes your taste’. Especially contacting your mate, who was a solid chance of letting you know. If this is possible, make a joke of it. Whatever you do, don’t show any crossness or fear. Get your friend to ask her whether she’d like her craft product personalised. Then ask if she wants her own name or yours on it, for consistency. Maybe ask SIL if she’d like to pay a retainer or consultancy fee to you in return for curating her life for her?

I’m actually horrified at the things these siblings have done to your DH. No matter the estrangement, notifying family of a death (or near death illness) is the last bastion of humanity for me.

If you want to have fun I would start posting about what you bought/did, something really extreme that you definitely aren’t going to do. Like off to wrestle an alligator. Or getting ready for my bungee jump.

Don’t let your stupid SIL bother you, OP. Just be glad she isn’t in your life for real. Enjoy your friendships and don’t waste any attention on her.

Tighten up your Facebook so only friends of yours can see your posts, block SIL and then she won’t be able to see anything.

Block your sil. Tell your mil why. Ask your mil not to report back to sil...

I think it’s time for your DH to get to the bottom of this unless there is a backstory you haven’t shared.

Why was he not told about his fathers death?
Why does she share all your updates but it’s one sided?
Why do they all dislike you both?

Get off social media and stop sending MIL things. Try it for a couple of months and see if things become less stressful.

Just block SIL on social media and ask MIL not to share your business with her. If that doesn’t work tell your husband to be more choosy what he tells his mum.

Meh. If you didn't look on SM, you wouldn't have known.

Not sure how she could copy all of those things if she couldn't see your SM anyway? Thats a lot of instances where she has apparently copied you. Full time job for MIL if that is her source. lol

Not sure this apparent stalking isn't a two way street tbh.

If your DH didn’t know his dad had died then how did he go to the funeral. Clearly someone told him!

Gosh, there's a few people now who don't seem to understand what 'once' means

For someone who says they aren't obsessed with social media ... you clearly are, just stop using it altogether, no need to send your MIL constant pictures either ... just stop.