AIBU? In laws... Slightly stalker/obsessive behaviour?!

[Melodyry20]

Hey MN's,
Bit of a long one I'm afraid.

My husband does not have a relationship with his sister anymore following his dad passing away and no one told him due to a long standing family feud from years before.

He still had a relationship with his parents over the years, slightly sore but still saw them regularly but not his sister and 2 brothers. And yes, his mother didn't notify him about his dad either.

He has not seen his siblings since his dad's funeral 20 months ago but speaks to his mother a few times a week. She moved back to Gibraltar after his dad died so he rarely sees her.

My issue... MIL seems to report back to SIL & BILs absolutely everything my husband tells her.
A few times hubby has sent photos of our DD2 (born last sept) to MIL, it's quite obvious this gets sent onto SIL. My Daughter had a particular outfit on, SIL daughter (a year older than my DD2) a week later has same outfit. We took daughter to a particular horse riding park, 10 days later they take their daughter same place. I posted a video on social media of daughter on an indoor swing, they then buy their daughter the same swing. Same thing with a kids electric car and items like same curtains, same clock. We had our bathroom redecorated, shes had hers retiled... We're going on holiday, then they're going on holiday etc etc.

I know all this because I recently looked at SILs social media. I've never bothered to look before but last week my friend made me a decoration for my bathroom as she has a crafts company and I posted it online and tagged her hoping she'd get some business.... Well she did, my SIL msged asking her for same one I've got (they don't know each other, my friend recognised the surname and told me). That's when I decided to have a look at SIL online and saw all of the above (swing, horse riding, daughters car, curtains etc).

Hubby knows it's not all coincidence however SIL doesn't like either of us but she quite clearly watches my social media. When I say she doesn't like us, I don't mean just not keen, I mean absolute hatred and despises us, judging by the awful things she has said to and about us and how they've treated my husband over the years.

Because of this I find this behaviour very odd. The Social media aspect I'm not bothered about as I'm putting it out there which is my choice/fault.

However I'm annoyed at my MIL telling tales. Hubby does not ask about his siblings but he's noted his mother is very careful to not to tell him their business yet every little detail about us is passed on. She's aware of the situation between hubby and them but I feel its stirring the pot and shows where his mother's loyalties lie.

I know there will be responses saying 'why does it bother you?'... It just does. They don't like us, we don't like them and I'd rather them not know anything. Yes hubby is sharing but it's his mother at the end of the day....

I can't help but feel SIL is in some secret competition with us that we don't know about as it's past coincidence now. AIBU? It's obviously something I'm not going to resolve but I just want to vent, I find it so strange!

“As others have said, lock down your social media and talk to your dh about changing the sort of info he gives to his mum.”

When was the last time your dh talked to you about the sort of info you give to your mum?
Does he police your relationship with her according to how he would prefer it to go? No?

No offence to whomever wrote this but this notion you find on mumsnet whereby men are answerable to their wives in all things is pretty galling.
No the OP does not get to tell her dh what he may discuss with his mother because her sil has the same baby swing as her and apparently that’s a problem.
It’s his mum, his relationship and frankly, nothing to do with OP.

I think you’re waaaay overthinking this. Buying a specific child outfit, a swing, an day at an attraction, a toy, redecorating a bathroom, a holiday, buying a clock, curtains — these are utterly ordinary things that most people do.

Are you honestly saying that your SIL is so devoid of thought that she needs to await information about the purchases and activities of her loathed brother and his wife passed helpfully on by her mother in order to replicate them? Are you sure that what is annoying you is not that your SIL (and her husband) are reminding you of how generic many lives are, revolving around similar activities and consumer objects?

Do you both live fairly close to each other? If so, visiting the same shop and the same horse-riding attraction are not stalking but someone else going about their normal life, the same way you have.

Is the shop you bought the outfit from an exclusive bespoke boutique that you need an appointment to go to or is it a chain store or supermarket that has the outfit prominently displayed? Is the horse place about to close down because no one ever goes or is it a popular day out? Indoor swings aren't rare things to have, quite the opposite. Nor is going on holiday, unless you're going to drip-feed she went to exactly the same place and even stayed in the same room. The bathroom decoration - it only takes 1 or 2 people to pass things on and your SIL has seen it.

You know the situation best, however nothing you've posted sounds like you're being copied but rather mundane day-to-day stuff that everyone does everywhere all the time.

You should have your privacy levels set higher, even without this stuff going on. It’s just common sense.

I like the idea of baiting them by a load of bizarre/expensive stuff on FB. Also make sure that your child is always wearing the same boring garment in every photo your DH sends his mother.

Don't you need to just change your settings when you send your MIL something to prevent forwarding?

Grow seriously youre being petty.

Honestly, what does it matter? Is your MiL passing on really important, sensitive information or just chit chat?

If you dont look at SiL's media, and ensure she cant see yours, how will you ever know?

Well at least your friend is quids in she should have said actually that was an exclusive design I need to "buy" the rights to make another the same so it will be x amount extra please

Can’t believe some people are saying this is obviously coincidences or that OP is the weird one for caring 😂 of course it’s downright stalkery odd behaviour from SIL?! I think those making excuses might be SIL herself....... 🧐 OP you’re not also a stalker for looking at her social media once!

Lockdown your FB account. It's up to your DH to manage his relationship with his mum.
It does all sound odd/toxic. Just keep your distance as much as possible.

You can’t unblock then block on social media unless 48 Hours have passed.

Tighten up your privacy settings. You are putting your family at risk of all different types of intrusive action.

Chances are your SIL is asking your MIL about you all and your DH is not asking about SIL so that's why the information is going one way and not the other.

I do think its wrong and your MIL shouldn't be doing it but it must be difficult having children when don't speak to each other.
That being said, not telling your Son/ Brother about the death of his father is unforgivable really.

It occurred to me that MIL might be actually buying some of this stuff and gifting it to the other family. Using a "gatekeeper" relationship she is policing her children to appear closer than they actually are. Is this a possibility? It might be important to her. In any case, she is the key to this, not SIL. Your husband needs to be more careful what he tells her.

I think the real problem is that you hate her, but the fact she is doing similar things to you makes you realise that you are both more similar than you'd like. Effectively it shines a mirror on your hatred: you hate someone who is the same as you. I think this is why it's bothering you.

I would not be happy with MiL behaving like this.

You or DH could actually just outright ask her not to send any pics on to anyone else. If you still suspect she's doing it, I would stop sending pictures all together. Also, as pps have said, have all privacy settings set on your social media.

@user1498572889

Just block SIL on social media and ask MIL not to share your business with her. If that doesn’t work tell your husband to be more choosy what he tells his mum.

This. It’s not that complicated. Have you asked MIL not to share deatils?

It is weird and I can see why it bothers you, but I do not see how you can stop it, other than asking your husband not Tell his mother so much. Given she did not tell him his father had died I’m surprised he calls her at all.

If you want to have fun I would start posting about what you bought/did, something really extreme that you definitely aren’t going to do

I was going to say this.

Borrow some things from a friend just long enough to take photos ("Bought DD this indoor paddling pool - she loves it! Soooo worth the soaked carpets!") etc and let her knock herself out.

For some reason me and my whole family are completely unaware of, my SIL blocked me and doesn't have a relationship with me, nor my brother rarely. Sometimes he asks my mum how I'm doing and my child. Sometimes.

However I do want to know about my nieces and nephews so I ask my mum to send me pictures etc and keep me updated?

The whole copying thing... are you sure it's not a coincidence? I mean i can imagine it's pretty exhausting to actively copy you?

I think it's weird.

You definitely have lax Facebook settings though.

Am I the only one who is reading this thinking MIL is a right piece of work because she DIDNT TELL HER OWN SON HIS DAD HAD DIED?! Where do you think SIL has learnt all of this behaviour from?

She sounds like one of these who divides and conquers, sets siblings against each other and then is busy gossiping between them all about each other. My MIL tried to do this with me and other DILs. What she didn't count on was that we actually spoke to each other and were all wise to her and what she was up to.

Your DH needs to cut ties with his whole family. They all sound as bad as each other!

You say your mother-in-law repeats everything to her daughter that your husband tells her, but never says anything about his sister and her family. Could it be that the sister deliberately tells her mother nothing of what they’re doing, knowing it will be passed on.

You need to have a tonne of fun with this and see it as an opportunity. A photo of tickets to New Zealand. A new car. Limitless possibilities. Enjoy it.

Why do so many posters downplay these sorts of things and act as though the OP is the strange one? I know it doesn’t impact on your life and you only know because you looked, but yes, it’s really weird! I’d feel just the same and would also mention it o other people because it’s not normal by most people’s standards.

I think it’s unlikely that it’s a coincidence as other posters have said. I have a child who is similar in age to two children living on our street. We all live in the same area so go to roughly the same places and have the same kind of income so buy similar things. Not once have I noticed that we have bought the exact same item or been to the same attraction within a week of each other. It’s probably happened a couple of times with local parks or soft play centres, but not bigger days out. There’s just no way that is a coincidence if it’s happening that often. She even messaged your friend to get an exact copy of an item made specifically for you by the sound of it?!

It sounds like jealousy to me. Perhaps she thinks that you think you are better than her in some way (or that you think that) and this is her way of proving that she can do everything you do. It must take loads of time and effort though. I’d really be creeped out at the thought of somebody being so interested in the mundane bits of my life that they spend time tracking down items I’ve bought.