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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? In laws... Slightly stalker/obsessive behaviour?!

111 replies

Melodyry20 · 29/07/2020 02:14

Hey MN's,
Bit of a long one I'm afraid.

My husband does not have a relationship with his sister anymore following his dad passing away and no one told him due to a long standing family feud from years before.

He still had a relationship with his parents over the years, slightly sore but still saw them regularly but not his sister and 2 brothers. And yes, his mother didn't notify him about his dad either.

He has not seen his siblings since his dad's funeral 20 months ago but speaks to his mother a few times a week. She moved back to Gibraltar after his dad died so he rarely sees her.

My issue... MIL seems to report back to SIL & BILs absolutely everything my husband tells her.
A few times hubby has sent photos of our DD2 (born last sept) to MIL, it's quite obvious this gets sent onto SIL. My Daughter had a particular outfit on, SIL daughter (a year older than my DD2) a week later has same outfit. We took daughter to a particular horse riding park, 10 days later they take their daughter same place. I posted a video on social media of daughter on an indoor swing, they then buy their daughter the same swing. Same thing with a kids electric car and items like same curtains, same clock. We had our bathroom redecorated, shes had hers retiled... We're going on holiday, then they're going on holiday etc etc.

I know all this because I recently looked at SILs social media. I've never bothered to look before but last week my friend made me a decoration for my bathroom as she has a crafts company and I posted it online and tagged her hoping she'd get some business.... Well she did, my SIL msged asking her for same one I've got (they don't know each other, my friend recognised the surname and told me). That's when I decided to have a look at SIL online and saw all of the above (swing, horse riding, daughters car, curtains etc).

Hubby knows it's not all coincidence however SIL doesn't like either of us but she quite clearly watches my social media. When I say she doesn't like us, I don't mean just not keen, I mean absolute hatred and despises us, judging by the awful things she has said to and about us and how they've treated my husband over the years.

Because of this I find this behaviour very odd. The Social media aspect I'm not bothered about as I'm putting it out there which is my choice/fault.

However I'm annoyed at my MIL telling tales. Hubby does not ask about his siblings but he's noted his mother is very careful to not to tell him their business yet every little detail about us is passed on. She's aware of the situation between hubby and them but I feel its stirring the pot and shows where his mother's loyalties lie.

I know there will be responses saying 'why does it bother you?'... It just does. They don't like us, we don't like them and I'd rather them not know anything. Yes hubby is sharing but it's his mother at the end of the day....

I can't help but feel SIL is in some secret competition with us that we don't know about as it's past coincidence now. AIBU? It's obviously something I'm not going to resolve but I just want to vent, I find it so strange!

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 29/07/2020 06:58

Hubby thinks MIL feels if our baby has it then the other child should too.

Was the falling out over money? Could be the reason for ensuring the children have the same things / experiences.

You won't change this unless you stop your Dh from telling his dm things. It's clear where her loyalties lie.

HavelockVetinari · 29/07/2020 06:59

Do you and DH have more money/are of a higher social class than SIL? She sounds very "keeping up with the Joneses", it's quite sad.

You can't ask MIL not to share info with her own daughter, that would be ridiculously controlling, but you can tighten up your social media considerably so that only friends can see it, and restrict MIL on it too. Or, as a PP says, you can really have some fun with it and see how far she'll go

Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 29/07/2020 07:07

@Oliversmumsarmy

If you want to have fun I would start posting about what you bought/did, something really extreme that you definitely aren’t going to do

Like off to wrestle an alligator

Or getting ready for my bungee jump.

And see what happens.

If sil does cotton on to what you are up to it might make her back off.

Considering sil hates you it sounds really odd that she copies you

oh yes do a Coleen Rooney on her....

Hohofortherobbers · 29/07/2020 07:09

Just ignore, don't go dragging mil back into the row, isn't it easier just to not fall out with more people? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, maybe she wants to build bridges

BurtsBeesKnees · 29/07/2020 07:10

Firstly I'd lock down your sm accounts, you can set them so no one but friends can see what you're up to, I'd also set MIL to only see a small amount. It's likely that SIL might be using MIL account to look at your fb.

I'd also ask your dh to be wary of what he shares about your family with his DM.

It would bother me slightly too op

diddl · 29/07/2020 07:19

Surely your husband needs to just not tell his mum so much/anything?

pictish · 29/07/2020 07:32

Your husband can say what he likes to his mum.
Your sil can buy the same swing (or whatever) as you.
None of this matters.
Move on.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/07/2020 07:34

MIL needs to go on an information diet. Swap her to limited profile in Facebook.

JacobReesMogadishu · 29/07/2020 07:36

Why on earth does your dh keep i. Contact with his mum if she could use arsed to tell him his dad had died.

Mmmmycorona · 29/07/2020 07:40

Just make your account private. Then she won’t be able to snoop from whatever account she’s looking at you from.

RiotAndAlarum · 29/07/2020 07:42

It sounds as though your MIL is (or both your PILs were) the problem, unfortunately. She did not tell her own son of his father's funeral, and she's telling your BILs and SIL all about you as well. Who knows why she's doing that, but keep in mind that relationship troubles between siblings can sometimes be the result of a "gatekeeper" parent or parents shit-stirring between them so the parent(s) always remain(s) at the centre of everything. I'm potentially including FIL in this because although he didn't fail to tell your DH of his own death , there was clearly a dynamic of cutting DH and you out which pre-dated his death. Also, the "copying" could be due to SIL's desire to placate her mother/ father and not be cut off as well... does any of that sound plausible?

Even if I'm well off the mark, I'm still very sorry for your situation: it sounds a horribly dysfunctional family.

Jamestown · 29/07/2020 07:47

Imitation is the best form of flattery.

MahaMoon · 29/07/2020 07:49

Can I just clarify at your dh’s own mother didn’t tell him that his father had passed away? Were his parents together at the time of his death?

I can’t get my head around that. He may have a valid reason to dislike sil but it sounds like his mother doesn’t think much of him either. If you know she is feeding sil information, the simple solution is to not tell her anything.

Honestly you opened this can of worms but looking at her social media. She probably is doing it to antagonise you and it’s working.

Playmysong · 29/07/2020 07:49

I would laugh this off. Unblock your sil so that she can see your Facebook page, then post that you find it hilarious that someone is copying everything you buy/do for your dd, for their own dd. Obviously don’t mention sil by name, but just put that it is a shame that this person has to copy you and it must be because you have such good taste. Possibly say that if they want to know where you get the items/or where you go, just get in touch and you will tell them, so that they don’t have to spend as much time searching online for them!

Probably will piss off sil, but as your relationship can’t really get much worse, I’m sure that won’t worry you. After you have given sil enough time to read your post, just block her again (and mil if you feel you need to), then just get on with living your life without giving any of them another thought!

duvetaddict · 29/07/2020 07:57

YANBU, they all sound petty and childish.

SoloMummy · 29/07/2020 08:02

@Melodyry20

SIL is blocked... I unblocked her today to have a nose and saw everything. I've now reblocked her. I think she may have a fake account somewhere possibly watching. I wouldn't put it past her, hubby is certain too.

MIL obviously sends anything my hubby sends her, to SIL. Photos, videos of our baby with outfits, toys, outings, things I haven't put on social media yet next thing she's buying them for her daughter....MIL does ask where do we get this and that from? Hubby thinks MIL feels if our baby has it then the other child should too.

I know it's minor, I'm having a vent... Still getting over her msging my friend I want to say something but it's just another can of worms....!

@Melodyry20 You're being ridiculous. If you didn't post on social media you wouldn't have had this supposed issue. You may well have similar items. You have no idea of the timeline though and it could be you "copying" As it stands, I think you need to accept that his mother's relationship with his siblings is bound to be tighter due to this history and I don't think talking about what he mentions is unexpected and not disloyal. As for the clothing situation, I bought one nieve an outfit for her birthday and guess what another niece wore the exact same outfit to the party! It happens!

Teenangels · 29/07/2020 08:03

OP you sound completely nuts.
My daughter had an outfit a week later, SIL daughter had it on!
Was this outfit designed just for your daughter? How do you know when she purchased it.
A swing indoors, guess what I had one does it mean that you copied me?
Stop you are trying to make issues, I can't believe you went on her SM.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2020 08:06

@RiotAndAlarum

, there was clearly a dynamic of cutting DH and you out which pre-dated his death. Also, the "copying" could be due to SIL's desire to placate her mother/ father and not be cut off as well... does any of that sound plausible?

Even if I'm well off the mark, I'm still very sorry for your situation: it sounds a horribly dysfunctional family.

I agree with this. All of it. Your mil set the dynamic by the sound of it. It wasn’t your Sil’s responsibility to tell your dh when you weren’t in contact. My brother is the golden child and she created a gatekeeper relationship between us before I went NC with him. I wouldn’t have expected him to inform me of someone’s death if my mother were around to tell me herself.

Fozzleyplum · 29/07/2020 08:06

I definitely wouldn't call MIL out on this as it is very clear where her loyalties lie. Neither would I put any reference to it on Facebook - I would ensure that neither MIL nor SIL could see your posts.

Then, if you really feel the need, have some fun. Feed MIL the odd bit of information about your plans to eat at an expensive restaurant -perhaps say friends or work are taking you. Buy some cz "diamond" earrings and be coy about how this was funded. Mention that you have booked a holiday at X hotel. Later, cancel because plans have changed. Don't go mad- just enough false leads to wind them up.

Teenangels · 29/07/2020 08:07

Ask yourself why anyone would care enough to copy you, when they do not even have a relationship with your husband and didn't tell your husband about his own fathers death, that would copy everything about your life.
OP ask yourself that.

Nottherealslimshady · 29/07/2020 08:08

You need to make your account more private, people shouldn't be able to see your pictures without you knowing. Stop sending MIL pictures or telling her interesting stuff.
Or, if you're petty, start telling MIL you've bought ridiculous or expensive things so SIL goes out and buys them.

saraclara · 29/07/2020 08:08

I don't understand why she's seeing your social media. Even with a fake account, if she's not your friend with that account, how's she seeing it?

As I understood it, if you block someone you can't unblock them. Did you just unfilled her? Because that won't work to hide your stuff.
I'm confused.

Roussette · 29/07/2020 08:10

You see.... I would be completely opposite to you. I would think.. I must have fantastic taste on everything as my SIL who can't stand me copies all that we do and buy. I would find it amusing.

But I would have her blocked so she couldn't see. Surely if you set your privacy settings to only 'friends' it doesn't matter whether she has a fake account or not, she still can't see anything.

And as for the MIL, I wouldn't worry about that either. She just wants to share and talk about her GC I imagine.

jessycake · 29/07/2020 08:13

As you don't see her I wouldn't concern yourself , you are wasting time worrying about it . I think most of us like similar things to other people, thats why influencers and bloggers are earning a living . She may hate you but still like your style , take as a compliment .

crankysaurus · 29/07/2020 08:18

Do you have any other friends with small businesses that could do with a bit more business? A lot are struggling at the moment. A quick photo of someone's fantastic landscaped garden (doesn't have to be yours), or cake from a local cafe that could do with a boost from her?

Otherwise yes, it does all sound tremendously disfunctional and I guess you can either tackle it head on, close down what's communicated / on social media, or just ignore it and write it off as odd.

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