AIBU? In laws... Slightly stalker/obsessive behaviour?!

[Melodyry20]

Hey MN's,
Bit of a long one I'm afraid.

My husband does not have a relationship with his sister anymore following his dad passing away and no one told him due to a long standing family feud from years before.

He still had a relationship with his parents over the years, slightly sore but still saw them regularly but not his sister and 2 brothers. And yes, his mother didn't notify him about his dad either.

He has not seen his siblings since his dad's funeral 20 months ago but speaks to his mother a few times a week. She moved back to Gibraltar after his dad died so he rarely sees her.

My issue... MIL seems to report back to SIL & BILs absolutely everything my husband tells her.
A few times hubby has sent photos of our DD2 (born last sept) to MIL, it's quite obvious this gets sent onto SIL. My Daughter had a particular outfit on, SIL daughter (a year older than my DD2) a week later has same outfit. We took daughter to a particular horse riding park, 10 days later they take their daughter same place. I posted a video on social media of daughter on an indoor swing, they then buy their daughter the same swing. Same thing with a kids electric car and items like same curtains, same clock. We had our bathroom redecorated, shes had hers retiled... We're going on holiday, then they're going on holiday etc etc.

I know all this because I recently looked at SILs social media. I've never bothered to look before but last week my friend made me a decoration for my bathroom as she has a crafts company and I posted it online and tagged her hoping she'd get some business.... Well she did, my SIL msged asking her for same one I've got (they don't know each other, my friend recognised the surname and told me). That's when I decided to have a look at SIL online and saw all of the above (swing, horse riding, daughters car, curtains etc).

Hubby knows it's not all coincidence however SIL doesn't like either of us but she quite clearly watches my social media. When I say she doesn't like us, I don't mean just not keen, I mean absolute hatred and despises us, judging by the awful things she has said to and about us and how they've treated my husband over the years.

Because of this I find this behaviour very odd. The Social media aspect I'm not bothered about as I'm putting it out there which is my choice/fault.

However I'm annoyed at my MIL telling tales. Hubby does not ask about his siblings but he's noted his mother is very careful to not to tell him their business yet every little detail about us is passed on. She's aware of the situation between hubby and them but I feel its stirring the pot and shows where his mother's loyalties lie.

I know there will be responses saying 'why does it bother you?'... It just does. They don't like us, we don't like them and I'd rather them not know anything. Yes hubby is sharing but it's his mother at the end of the day....

I can't help but feel SIL is in some secret competition with us that we don't know about as it's past coincidence now. AIBU? It's obviously something I'm not going to resolve but I just want to vent, I find it so strange!

You’ve probably just both got the same taste in decor and clothes. Wouldn’t worry about it. Everyone looks the same to me, not much individuality about. If she doesn’t like you, she wouldn’t want to copy you.

OP if you go on anyone’s social media I can guarantee you will find enough coincidences to convince yourself they’re copying you. Honestly, try it.

Exactly. I remember when we sold our flat in London, it felt uncannily as if we were selling to a slightly younger version of ourselves -- hardly surprising in that the people who were interested in it were younger childless couples with similar incomes, priorities, were outdoor/cycling types unfazed by the fact that it wasn't on the tube and loved its green location, proximity to certain museums, tolerance for a quirky layout etc etc. The couple who finally bought it genuinely felt like Younger Us. We're not that unique.

Also, if I'm reading the OP correctly, she has (usually) blocked her SIL, so can't see her SM so this would be 'stalking/intrusive/ controlling behaviour' which the 'perpetrator' nonetheless knows her 'victim' is completely unaware of. That makes no sense. The point of stalking/intrusive/controlling behaviour is that it has an effect on the victim here the perpetrator knows the victim can't know anything about it.

Would you both to keep taking your child on the same day out, buying her the same outfit, buying the same clock and curtains and redecorating your bathroom if it was intended to intrude upon or intimidate or control, if you knew your intended victim was completely unaware of what you were doing? It makes zero sense.

Unblock SIL and post this 😁

This is just weird but have read this sort of thing on MN before!

Your friend should not have told you about SILs purchase as this breaks GDPR rules and she could get into trouble

I know this is besides the point but it’s not on the siblings to tell your brother their dad died that’s on the mum? They also did tell him, the day after is still telling him I imagine they had their own grief to deal with first really not something to be furious about.

minimini.... I disagree. I would be unbelievably hurt if my family didn't tell me immediately

Keep your SM private and send generic photos to your MIL. Surely that’s the easiest thing to do?

Ah sounds really weird... appreciate you're just venting but what I would do is :
Take SIL off social media or add her to a very restricted content list (you can do this on fb)

Limit what is said to MIL to be more vague/less copyable e.g. DD enjoyed seeing some animals yesterday (rather than DD went horse ridding at x stables) or we're having a bit of work done on the house or we're away from home for a few days (rather than we're going on holiday to x place).
If she asks directly, ignore and distract.

@cooldarkroom if I wasn’t that close to my siblings no I wouldn’t - I’d expect it from my mum. He still speaks to the mum but not the siblings for the same incident? Bizarre

And tell dh to stop telling her things other than usual developmental stuff your child has done eg words, drawing, gaining height etc.

You could mention how your 10-month old is already reading out the names of her favourite cereals from the boxes . . . You didn't realise she was able to do this until she began to walk, when she toddled into the kitchen, pointed to the box, and very clearly said "FROSTIES!' and then did exactly the same with "FRUIT 'N' FIBRE", and then with QUAKER OATS!" The health visitor happened to be there on a routine visit and was astonished. Especially when your little one said "You know Frosties are full of chemical additives and empty calories, don't you, Mummy?"

Vent away.

As an aside, would it help your DH to seek some counselling for his shit family relationship and seeking approval/acceptance that's never doing to come?