AIBU? In laws... Slightly stalker/obsessive behaviour?!

[Melodyry20]

Hey MN's,
Bit of a long one I'm afraid.

My husband does not have a relationship with his sister anymore following his dad passing away and no one told him due to a long standing family feud from years before.

He still had a relationship with his parents over the years, slightly sore but still saw them regularly but not his sister and 2 brothers. And yes, his mother didn't notify him about his dad either.

He has not seen his siblings since his dad's funeral 20 months ago but speaks to his mother a few times a week. She moved back to Gibraltar after his dad died so he rarely sees her.

My issue... MIL seems to report back to SIL & BILs absolutely everything my husband tells her.
A few times hubby has sent photos of our DD2 (born last sept) to MIL, it's quite obvious this gets sent onto SIL. My Daughter had a particular outfit on, SIL daughter (a year older than my DD2) a week later has same outfit. We took daughter to a particular horse riding park, 10 days later they take their daughter same place. I posted a video on social media of daughter on an indoor swing, they then buy their daughter the same swing. Same thing with a kids electric car and items like same curtains, same clock. We had our bathroom redecorated, shes had hers retiled... We're going on holiday, then they're going on holiday etc etc.

I know all this because I recently looked at SILs social media. I've never bothered to look before but last week my friend made me a decoration for my bathroom as she has a crafts company and I posted it online and tagged her hoping she'd get some business.... Well she did, my SIL msged asking her for same one I've got (they don't know each other, my friend recognised the surname and told me). That's when I decided to have a look at SIL online and saw all of the above (swing, horse riding, daughters car, curtains etc).

Hubby knows it's not all coincidence however SIL doesn't like either of us but she quite clearly watches my social media. When I say she doesn't like us, I don't mean just not keen, I mean absolute hatred and despises us, judging by the awful things she has said to and about us and how they've treated my husband over the years.

Because of this I find this behaviour very odd. The Social media aspect I'm not bothered about as I'm putting it out there which is my choice/fault.

However I'm annoyed at my MIL telling tales. Hubby does not ask about his siblings but he's noted his mother is very careful to not to tell him their business yet every little detail about us is passed on. She's aware of the situation between hubby and them but I feel its stirring the pot and shows where his mother's loyalties lie.

I know there will be responses saying 'why does it bother you?'... It just does. They don't like us, we don't like them and I'd rather them not know anything. Yes hubby is sharing but it's his mother at the end of the day....

I can't help but feel SIL is in some secret competition with us that we don't know about as it's past coincidence now. AIBU? It's obviously something I'm not going to resolve but I just want to vent, I find it so strange!

Sort out your privacy settings... why anyone, especially someone with kids, would have them open is beyond me.

Your MIL didn't tell her own son about his dad dying?! Why on Earth are you still sending her photos and videos like nothing has happened?!

Stop sending, telling his mother stuff and if she asks why then tell her, your husband needs to grow a pair and tell his mum off.

I see that there is a great deal of scepticism on here regarding what your SIL is doing and I do understand that - it does sound rather bonkers and far fetched. However I totally get it as we have a similar situation with extended family. They hate us and yet copy everything we do and are weirdly competitive. The only thing I can recommend OP is that you cut down massively on the info your MIL has to pass on. Only the most anodyne photos to be sent with nothing that hasn't been seen already or is at all identifying. And tell dh to stop telling her things other than usual developmental stuff your child has done eg words, drawing, gaining height etc. It’s what we have had to do and does work to a certain extent. Good luck.

Ask your DH to stop telling MIL things, if he choses to continue, you know she will pass information on.

Don't look at SIL sm again, even once, as you discovered a lot from the only time you did look. You have to get used to the fact that you can't control anyones else's behaviour, so if you look at sm, you're going to become pissed off.

Tighten your privacy settings.

It sounds more like your MIL is talking to her children rather than telling tales.

I don't know what to say about FIL dying.

I think you need to stop posting on social media or ensure you post only to your friends list.
Stop telling mil anything specific. Send pics of your daughter in plain navy leggings and white vest top. If she asks 'where did you get that', oh I don't know, it was given from a friend who's kids had grown out of it and the label has faded. Or something. Your husband is not that close to his mum, she doesn't need to know the details of your life eg how you've decorated or where you've been horse riding. Keep everything generic. Tell her you went for a walk instead of 'we visited this country park' etc. If it bothers you, you need to cut down the detail you give to MiL and then she can't pass it on

You need a fake tattoo and an appointment looming for breast augmentation or a nose job..
You mil needs zero info on your lives. No photos either.
Your dh needs to grow a pair.
She sounds as mad as sil.

I don’t give access to my social media to people I don’t like.

...neither do I go and check theirs.

My mum was like this with my Auntie... if my cousin was given a guitar, my brother was given the same guitar, etc... it was weird when my girl cousin was five years younger than me and I was given Barbies into my late teens... 🤣 My mother also starved herself to look like my Auntie (Mum had bigger bones and a different figure.) She also chain-smoked instead of eating. I think you can guess where that story ended for her. Mum was bitter, hateful and angry for no reason at all. Probably something my Nanna did to her. Meanwhile, my Aunt continued to do her own thing, living her life.

You need a fake tattoo and an appointment looming for breast augmentation or a nose job

The problem with falling out or going NC with family is it doesn’t take the emotional links away (and by that I mean negative links as well as positive ones). They can still take up a lot of space in our head and hearts.

The most important thing in the OPs post is her husbands very clear desire for him and the DC to still be connected to his mum. Despite her repeated appalling behaviour he still wants that connection and keeps communicating with her. Despite knowing that she carries tales to the sister, he keeps doing it. He obviously needs that link even though it comes at a cost.

OP , I know you won’t like this but I think you have to butt out here. You don’t like the way your ILs have behaved and continue to behave and that’s fair enough, but if your DP needs to keep some sort of connection to his mum and by default, his sister, I don’t think you should interfere with that. Family ties and the need for connection to them run deep. Your role now is to be the loving support he needs and hasn’t got from them.

If the price of being that support is that a bitch you never see or talk to copies you I think you need to put up with that. And remember that her being a total cow doesn’t mean that her child will be. That little girl is also family, she’s your husbands niece and your DCs first cousin. It might be that in the future that little girl and your daughter will be good friends. There’s no reason she should miss out in nice things and pleasant experiences because her mum and her uncle have a feud.

My mum’s family are notorious for feuding. Siblings could fall out at the drop of a hat and wouldn’t see each other for years. This was much easier 40/50 years ago with no SM! Happily these feuds haven’t been passed on to the younger generations. I am now very close to cousins I never even met when growing up. We haven’t let our grandparents/parents/aunts/uncles squabbles come between us. To us that’s ancient history and we have built new family networks of our own.

I know you said your SIL is already blocked but may have a second account she uses to look at yours, so maybe just have your account on private.

Your DD was born in September. She's ten months old? So how many activities is she going to have in common with a child a whole year older? She's at the just starting to toddle stage, your niece is, presumably, walking and talking? They bought her a baby swing?

Why not tell your MIL that you are worried that your social media has been hacked and are changing your details and wiping your old account. Do so. If you are feeling really mean, tell MIL the police are involved.

Then any information/copying done by SIL can only come through MIL and will be obvious. But don't stalk your SIL. That way madness lies. Just feel sorry for your niece, who is having to be dressed in ways and take part in activities more suitable for small babies!

This is so easy to deal with.

Tell the mother in law fuck all or go no contact.
Block sister in law from social media.

I think she may have a fake account somewhere possibly watching. I wouldn't put it past her, hubby is certain too
Your SiL sounds a bit deranged and obsessed, but why have you got followers on social media where you don't know who they are? Go through your friends/followers list and delete anyone who you don't actually know. Seriously why post pictures of your family life and not know who is actually viewing it, then complain about it! And stop giving your MiL so much info if you know she feeds it to your SiL...It is a really disturbing situation for you, but you could easily take control of the info your SiL has about you. Sounds like your DH isn't even that close to his mother, so why are you/he sending her so much personal information?

@Melodyry20

SIL is blocked... I unblocked her today to have a nose and saw everything. I've now reblocked her. I think she may have a fake account somewhere possibly watching. I wouldn't put it past her, hubby is certain too.

MIL obviously sends anything my hubby sends her, to SIL. Photos, videos of our baby with outfits, toys, outings, things I haven't put on social media yet next thing she's buying them for her daughter....MIL does ask where do we get this and that from? Hubby thinks MIL feels if our baby has it then the other child should too.

I know it's minor, I'm having a vent... Still getting over her msging my friend I want to say something but it's just another can of worms....!

YANBU but fake account or not, your social media profiles should be locked down so only your friends/approved followers can see what you post, and you should know who all of those people are. And maybe your DH should stop sharing so many photos/videos with his mother!

I didn’t think you could reblock for 48 hours?

No more photos sent to mil!

Mil is abusing your privacy. As hard as it is your dh needs to accept sil is the Golden Child and he is not important to his dm.
My dh went nc with his dm due to her shoddy behaviour towards him. After the initial conversation he felt much better.. Over 5 years now.

You need to wait 48 hours before you can block again someone recently unblocked.

I think people who haven't experienced anything like this will have a tough time understanding what you're saying. Stalking/intrusive/controlling behaviour is sometimes very subtle and targeted, precisely so that people will tell you're making a fuss about nothing. Trust your own instincts.

I don't think your BU at all, but I also don't think there's much you can do. It sounds likes it's about trying to get a rise out of you so they can play the victim. Ignoring is the only way, otherwise you'll feed the behaviours.

If you think MIL is involved, you can be more careful what you share with her in awareness that she's passing it on. It's sad but I think it's necessary based on what you've said.

OP if you go on anyone’s social media I can guarantee you will find enough coincidences to convince yourself they’re copying you. Honestly, try it.

These are all utterly ordinary things and I would be very surprised if she has made a fake account to see what you’re up to for the purposes of copying.

If she had your exactly same new hairstyle, your exact same outfit, your exact same belongings immediately after then yes perhaps... but kids day out, kids toy, and getting their bathroom done isn’t exactly unusual is it?

If it bothers you, keep her blocked, set your account to private and delete any Facebook friends that you don't actually know. Don't send your MIL any photos

Firstly - You sound like your profile on social media is completely open? First thing to do is lock it down to friends ( or friends and friends of friends if that’s too restrictive). I really cannot see why anyone would want an open profile. Especially when you have a small child.
Secondly - what do you and your DH get from this relationship? He wasn’t told his own dad had died? 😱 that would have done it for me right there.
I wouldn’t engage with them at all.

Thanks for all the replies.
I'm not on Facebook, I have Instagram which is set to private and only followers I know. However I do have a few beauty ppl/salons following me which as of last night I've now deleted as it was a possibility they could be a friend of in laws.

Again as I said, I'm not bothered about the SM factor as I actually don't post much but the couple of things I had posted, it seemed this could not be a coincidence.
The main leaker of info is MIL.

I totally agree my hubby wants to keep a connection with them as its his blood. I do think he's crazy as there's clearly no respect for him not just because they didn't inform him of his father's death at the time it happened, other things too over the years including things he's told me before we met.

They told him the day after FIL died. I was outraged but hubby not surprised. He did go to the funeral, it was all very civil but since then NC with siblings.
None of them have met my DD2 since she was born, no congratulations, card, present from them or MIL. MIL has no desire to meet DD2, I think because it would upset SIL and she's had the grandnother/granddaughter experience already with SIL daughter.
They are very dysfunctional, MIL very controlling but less so since she's moved abroad.

I do wish hubby wouldn't send photos etc as it's quite clear MIL does not ask about our children but I can't tell hubby what to do in that aspect. And yes him pushing DD on MIL in his way of seeking acceptance, I know this. I just feel like they don't deserve any courtesy and don't deserve our children. I really wouldn't want them around such poison.

I wasn't looking for a solution, just venting!

I detest this idle gossip.
I am unable to share any info with my MIL, she has such a loose tongue, even if it's not important she blabbers. to the family, to her neighbours, to the postman.
I have told her I'm not sharing any personal info anymore as she is incapable of keeping her mouth shut.