DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

He could have texted the op during the day
or even as he was leaving his job and asked her to put something on.

She's not a mind reader.

So by "let's cross that bridge when we get there..." what he really meant was "I expect you to anticipate my requirements at the time and have something prepared"?! He knows your schedule and what you and the kids are likely to eat and that there wouldn't necessarily be a big pot of something prepared. I think YANBU. But now I'd say "so, you do want me to prepare you some dinner every night then?".

In any case, it sounds like there was something that would take less time than a takeaway and only required popping in the oven so it wasn't exactly a huge issue for him.

Why do you need to ask him what he wants each day or what he would like for freezer meals? When I'm making dinner for DP, I just prepare something I know he likes (which is most things!) and that fits in with my plans (eg pizza and salad if I'm busy) and he is grateful whatever it is!

I think YABU really.9 pm is quite a late finish ,and it would be nice for him to have something hot when he gets in from work. Surely if you have DC you would be cooking for them as well? Maybe just leave a portion for him or alternatively a quick pasty or something to heat through .

I agree with you entirely. I work till later than 9 sometimes and I take something to eat at work rather than eating and then going to bed.
He just needed to open his mouth and say what he wanted when you asked. yanbu

Having spent more than 20 years doing all the thinking, shopping and making of food I can see why you would not want to make a rod for your own back.

A few things:

The sooner you can get everyone eating the same things at mealtimes the better. Do not make child food and adult food unless there are special needs or dietary requirements to do so.

Don't ask DH what he wants to eat. If you are cooking just cook.

More importantly than anything, why are you not eating? It doesn't sound like a one off to me from what you've said. Eating proper meals at regular times is really important.

9 pm is quite a late finish ,and it would be nice for him to have something hot when he gets in from work

If he finishes at 9, chances are that he starts at midday at the earliest. What's stopping him putting the slow cooker on in the morning before he goes to work if he wants something hot when he gets home and he's not willing to engage with the OP over the issue?

It's not clear from your posts when you actually had the conversation about food when your DH is on lates, it sounds like this was a while ago?
I do all the cooking in our house, I enjoy it and am happy to do it. If my DH was coming home late, he would assume that there would be something ready for him to eat. (Don't worry, I'm not downtrodden, he does all the washing and ironing🤣)
It would piss me off if I was your DH and knew that you hadn't though about tea because you preferred to watch TV in bed. It also sounds like communication is a problem in your relationship, and game playing.
You both need to sit down and talk about this from each point of view. Then come to an agreement about meals and who does what. But it has to be fair from both sides.

I think that asking him at all is more than I would do most of the time! Sure, it would be kind to have something ready on his first day back, but he made his own bed there - all he would have had to do was engage at any point, the only effort would have been 10 seconds of thought and opening his mouth, and if he can't even be bothered to do that, then he's got exactly what he deserved.

I've been quite sharp with my DP too, when (over things like moving house!) he's been very much not wanting to think about it, that it'll all sort itself out, and I've had to point out that no, it won't, what he means is that I'll sort it out for him, so sometimes, I let things slide. Things that'll only impact him, and occasionally it makes a hit, and I live in hope that he'll move from just occasionally appreciating, to actually doing.

I keep various meals in the freezer for the kids too - so when I can't be bothered to cook I can just defrost meatballs or a curry or whatever - a freezer full of lazy meals is absolutely worth having - if there's a single portion of bolognese left in the pan, it goes in a little pot in the freezer so when someone comes down wanting food (mine are a little older) it's quick and easy.

I think if he is working a long shift and you are at home ,then cooking some Supper for him is to be expected really. No it isnt the 1950s ,but I doubt many people would welcome coming home to no meal waiting after a long shift ! Maybe some cold meats, pickles .a jacket potato or some salad /quiche would be welcome and not take too long to prepare for another time ?.

If I was working until 9pm and my dh hadn't sorted me some food, I would feel really sad. Like we weren't a team.

Plus I think people forget how time consuming small kids are.
Op puts kids to bed,and maybe is up and down the stairs a few times to settle them.

Last thing she needs to be doing is another dinner at 9 at night.
She deserves some downtime as well.

Haha, love it!

Oops, lost half that. I think you did the right thing, definitely!

This really isn't about food or cooking though is it? I have in the past literally got out of bed to make DH something to eat when he's returning from travel and not had chance to eat, and he has for me. It's the disrespect shown by the eye rolling that would have me let him figure it out for himself this once. And 'engaging' on this subject doesn't have to mean half an hour of meal planning and scenario analysis, it could be as quick as 'I don't really know, just make sure we have a pizza in the freezer or something'. Team work has to be a two way street.

When I work a late shift I can't be bothered to cook when I get home.

I just make sure there's something microwaveable in the freezer before I leave the house, or have a sandwich.

I live alone with nobody to 'make extra dinner and leave me some'. So it's ping food or something in a doorstep of bread and then bed for me. He doesn't need to be pandered to. And there's no point in cooking something and leaving it for him to reheat, because he will probably look at it, not fancy it, and then make himself a sandwich anyway (appetite often goes really odd on late shifts).

what I don't understand is wh, if you do the cooking, he has such a massive say in the process? I mean, surely if you want to be helpful and cook him dinner and you have to do it around the DC etc, then you decide what's easiest? And prepare accordingly? So you shop for easy things and prepare them while you're feeding the DC surely?

You weren’t unreasonable but maybe your communication isn’t clear enough.

When you’re planning the food shop tell him ‘I’ll buy you a couple of microwave meals for when you’re on lates’ and then do that. He can heat his own dinner, that’s not unfair.

I think perhaps the (perceived) issue for him is being asked to problem solve in advance. So just take the stress out by doing the above and then you don’t need to think/ask/do/refuse it’s already sorted.

You don't seem to work and you have one two year old, your husband comes in at 9pm. You've also framed this as 'a lesson', petty and mean springs to mind. If I worked late and DH didn't work yes I would expect him to take the lead on meals and actually I used to be the one who worked late DH worked but finished at five, he cooked dinner. As it is now we both work and still eat and care for a nearly two year old. People are saying DC like you have multiple which would make things trickier, but you said DC is two... You did this to prove a point, maybe there's a reason your husband rolls his eyes at you. Fuss over nothing.

I don't think it would be any effort on your part to plate up and cover another portion of whatever you're cooking, for DH to re-heat in the microwave later on.

That's what my DH did for a number of years when we were first married. He worked a regular 9-5 and I worked 4-midnight. So I would cook a main meal at lunch time, and put a plate of it aside for him to have when he got in at 5-ish.

@Prettybluepigeons

If I was working until 9pm and my dh hadn't sorted me some food, I would feel really sad. Like we weren't a team.

If I had tried in advance to prepare a food shop for this exact scenario and dp rolled his eyes and said “let’s cross that bridge when we come to it”, I would feel like we weren’t a team either.

Time has now come for him to cross that bridge. If he’d actually bothered himself to have a conversation with the only cook in the house, he might have found himself a hot meal at the end of the bridge. Instead he didn’t, and he’s found an empty plate.

No it isnt the 1950s ,but I doubt many people would welcome coming home to no meal waiting after a long shift

Not all of us! I used to work lates and never wanted to eat by the time I got in, I just wasn’t hungry that late in the day. You can’t know someone will want a cooked meal if they don’t tell you.

I think it would be reasonable to stick on a freezer pizza or save him some of what the kids had had or whatever, if he’d asked for that. Or if he’d said “I’d like dinner but I don’t care what, just make me whatever’s easy to sort” then fine. If my DH is home late I’ll text him to ask if he wants something saved or oven put on or whatever. But if he’d rolled his eyes at me for asking and then expected me to cook him a meal at 9pm, he’d be getting his own food.

No idea why there was no conversation before he left for work that day? Or has he been out since crack of dawn on on epic shift which makes the no dinner even worse.

I'm not saying that OP then needed to go and shop for whatever was decided in morning but more like.

What time will you be home?
About 9.
Will you need dinner?
Yes
I'm doing sausages, beans and mash for the kids, want some left?/there's a pizza you can through in oven/there's not much in, you could have egg on toast or bring something in with you.

The answer doesn't really matter as long as you both know what's happening.

It might be stressful and hard work being home with young kids, but it's also stressful and hard work being the only wage earner.

When he came home and asked what was for tea I woild have eye-rolled back and mimicked 'we will cross that bridge when we get to it'.
Yanbu.
I'm a sahm and manage the family meals. Dh will let me know if he wants a portion saved or not in the daytime. If he doesn't communicate with me he doesnt get anything. However, there is generally a portion in the freezer of something because I batch cook.
I'm never going to start prepping something seperate for him at 9pm though.
When I used to work late shifts pre-dc I woild just sort myself something and dh would do the same. He is an adult not a child to be waited upon.

I would have made him something its not like he was doing a social thing, he was working.You were in anyway so not like it was putting you out.