DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

"Well, should he teach the op a lesson by saying he’s not going to pay the rent or mortgage this month because he was out at work and didn’t feel like it and she should pay her half?"

OK and then she can lob the kids out on the street to fend for themselves because he is only earning money because she is facilitating it by raising his children.

A stay at home parent's duty is to look after the kids. That is it. Just because they are in the home all day doesn't mean they have to do everything related to the home.

Whatever I'd prepared for myself I'd ensure there was enough for him so it could just be reheated in a few minutes

She did that, she didn't have anything, so a plate of nothing was freshly available for him too.

He does need to engage positively with the planning. Meals don't emerge like magic with no thought or effort, especially if they can't afford to have endless food available so he can decide on the day. 9 pm is also too late to start cooking anything except the very quick. And no-one is too tired to put something prepared in the oven. If he really was, which I doubt, I hope he doesn't drive home from work.

He knows he wants dinner when he comes home from work every night, so he needs to take on some of the mental load of ensuring that it arrives on time and on budget. Defaulting to a takeaway is unacceptable as that is likely to leave the OP scratching around elsewhere trying to make up the shortfall.

I'd just leave him to it until he realises what he needs to do. He's an adult, not a third child. Or you could make him a plain omelette every night if you really feel obliged to feed him, which you shouldn't, as that's probably the quickest, lowest effort, meal possible.

When my granny was one of ten children, her father was the only wage earner and was treated like a god. If he wasn’t taken care of the whole family would suffer.

There are plenty of meals that you can get ready for him when he returns FROM WORK such as jacket potatoes, omelette, something on toast, soup, casserole, pasta, pizza. It’s unfair to expect him to get his own meal at that time of night.

Everyone on here moans about DH's taking them for granted and then in a situation like this, they stick up for the lazy DH?!

Nope, nope, nope. He is an adult who can bloody learn how to fend for himself.

DH and I have somehow managed to successfully live together for 15 years working shifts, eating at different times and cooking separate meals. Because I am not his mother.

I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

"I'm starving!! What have you got me for dinner?"

"Thought you could have those eye rolls you gave me when I asked what you wanted to do about food."

I would see what the fuss would be about if he'd had stuff in the freezer and forgotten to get it out, and if you had refused to get it out for him/pop it in the oven or, as pps have said, you'd prepared a dinner for you and the kids (that he could have had) and not saved him some.

But, in my opinion, YANBU.

"When my granny was one of ten children, her father was the only wage earner and was treated like a god. If he wasn’t taken care of the whole family would suffer."

Right, so like at least 60 years ago?

You may have noticed that norms have changed.

@Nottherealslimshady

YANBU you asked him what he wanted and he refused to give you an answer. So you were supposed to either magically read his mind as to what he wanted. Or guess, put the effort and cost in to making him something at the risk of him not fancying it. It's the mental load thing again, why should you have to work out what he wants for his dinner. Maybe he'll learn to ask you in advance now

All this!

My DH and I work different shifts (in normal times). He is out 6am-6pm and I am out 1pm-11pm. Generally I cook our dinner in the morning, so I can take some to work and he can reheat it for dinner when he gets home. I was getting tired cooking every day (and trying to fit it in amongst other chores) and tbh we were over eating on a proper dinner every day. So we started doing that every other day. On the days I didn't cook I'd usually take some noodles etc and DH would get himself some toast/bowl of cereal. DH never cooks unless begged and then is super stroppy so generally I don't bother. In fairness I love cooking, so happy for it to be my task, apart from just finding I didn't have the time constantly!

I think you were fair to leave him to it, after having given him chances to come up with an idea (mental load is a real thing!) But perhaps it's worth getting in some stuff which is quicker and easier than '25minutes' if you know he doesn't like to cook? Keep a tin of beans in the cupboard, or some packet noodles etc. Not great for nutrition but no harm now and then. Or as others have said some stuff in the freezer. There's no point getting yourself upset and angry about a trait you aren't going to change. If he doesn't think about food or enjoy the process of making food I very much doubt you'll get him to engage in the subject.
Saying that I still see red after ten years of "is there anything you need from the supermarket shop?" "No"....two hours later "why aren't there any xyz, there's nothing to eat" conversations.

If you want an equal division of all chores around the house, then both partners have to be working equivalent hours.

The op has taken on to cook. If she doesn’t Want to do that she needs to talk to her partner. And divide the chores up.

I’d like a house partner who did all the cooking and chores for me in return for me going out work and earning the money.

But I’m an adult and I have to provide the money for me to live on all by myself.

No I don't think you were unreasonable. His answer was not helpful, rolling his eyes etc.

"Thought you could have those eye rolls you gave me when I asked what you wanted to do about food."

Good answer!

Obvs in an ideal world if he is working until late even I would make sure there was something that could be heated up and then if he did not like it, tough! But this eye rolling business is not helpful!

Yep, I'd have taught him a lesson too. Next time he should engage in a convo about what he wants, leftover reheated, ready meal, or sort himself out when he gets back, simple. He needs to let you know in advance or he gets himself sorted

He does need to engage positively with the planning
Yeah, not weeks in advance though! I’d text my DH on the actual day saying “I’m making X for tea tonight, would you like some put aside?” Knowing he’d be late I’d purposely choose a family meal that could easily be reheated. Or make sure there was quiche and easy things in the fridge.

Well no idea what a “Mary Sue” is, but this kind of thing doesn’t need to be hard work, that’s all I’m saying.

Many women have DH’s who travel or don’t come home at specific times, yet they still manage - yes, even with DC.

This OP knew what time he was coming in and had known for weeks, by the sound of it.

My DH will often call me with a few hours notice, “Oh I won’t be needing dinner.” Some days he works from home unexpectedly. Or if he needs to go abroad for a few days, he’d think I was crazy if I asked him what he specifically wanted to eat on his return. You just have to be a bit flexible.

Sounds like you're both making a bigger deal of this that it needs to be - it's not a big issue in the grand scheme of things! Couldn't you have thrown something in the oven or microwave for him if you knew he was due home once the kids were in bed? If not he could have done the same or fixed something quick like egg on toast. My OH wouldn't care less as long as there was something to eat at some stage!

The issue is not whether OP should be cooking his dinner or not, it's the childliness of not doing so when he expected it to teach him a lesson. How does this to a partner? Its immature and never results in a positive outcome, instead just brews resentment.

A great way to reheat food and have it edible is to do it in the pressure cooker. It only needs to be at pressure for not even three minutes and you hardly need any water in it for this length of time.

I leave the food in a bowl on a trivet and the right amount of water in the kettle. He comes in an switches the kettle on before he has even taken his jacket off. Pours it past the food to the bottom of the pan, bungs the lid on and fires it up. By the time he is ready to eat, it's up to pressure, had three or four minutes and depressured and the food is nice to eat.

Sounds like a faff but it actually isn't. Moist food, No cold or dry bits.

I do think YAB(a little)unfair. When my son is on lates he doesn’t get in till around 10.30pm. Mainly I plate him up a portion, of what dh and I are having, so he can microwave it when he gets back in. If we aren’t having anything suitable for microwave I just make something easy like macaroni cheese, or pull a pizza, pie etc. out of the freezer, and pop it in the oven for him getting home.

If finances are tight, it saves money (electricity/gas) to make his at the same time I am making dh’s and my meal, rather than him having to cook from scratch. Plus you may have the problem that, if he is left to cater for himself, he will use something you had planned to use in another meal!

Chances are that she's asked him within the past few days, probably when writing a shopping list.

"If you want an equal division of all chores around the house, then both partners have to be working equivalent hours."

I would put good money on the fact that the OP spends more time looking after the kids than her husband does at work.

When my DH was a stay at home dad to two babies a year apart, he still managed to put a meal on the table for me coming home without my input. When he went back to work I took over food planning and cooking as I was home earlier and had more predictable hours. Other than a general question about anything in particular he fancies, I decide what to buy and cook and make it available to him. He does other tasks such as the ironing, clearing the kitchen etc.

He's not a baby and would do the planning, shopping and cooking if that worked better for us. But I wouldn't have him come home from a late shift to no cooked meal for him to heat, or no easy option either. Given he'd probably have tidied the kitchen and done some housework before going to work.

Also, there is so much use of the phrases "bits" and "plate up" in this thread and it's making me feel sick.

@ItWasNotOK

"If you want an equal division of all chores around the house, then both partners have to be working equivalent hours."

I would put good money on the fact that the OP spends more time looking after the kids than her husband does at work.

Possibly. But then she needs to have a discussion with him about that.

Yes could people stop saying “plate up” please Bleurrgh! Sounds like school dinners and slop.

I'm glad I don't live in a house where adults feel the need to 'teach each other a lesson.'

I generally don't cook for DH at all in the evenings as he's back late. I do put easy food in the fridge such as frittata, boiled potatoes, cooked carrots or other veg, pasta bake, jacket potato. Then all his has to do is cook some sausages and warm the veg up. It's a system that works really well for us.