DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

BillywilliamV: As with a number of Mumsnet threads, I suspect I could go through this one and predict with a staggering degree of accuracy, the relationships that will last and those that are doomed.
So many couples seem to think they are in some tit-for-tat thing..and so little mutual respect!

I think OP is absolutely NBU and probably (if my husband hadn't given me the feedback I'd asked for in time) under her circumstances done the same. How long will i stay married?

We both used to work complicated shifts, before DC, and usually had dinner (or lunch, or breakfast) together a maximum of 3 or 4 times a week (out of all possible meals). After DC during Parental Leave DH worked shifts and we planned who would need what and when. When we both worked full-time with DC requiring packed lunches we worked it out again. Both of us. Like adults.

OP's DH didn't want to think in advance, and got a bit stroppy (possibly hunger related? did he not have "lunch" at work?). My guess is next time OP asks in advance he'll remember. Or he'll go disappointed again.

I don't think you're unreasonable. I'm a planner too! I'm also someone who often gets home after 9 pm and I then have to sort my own dinner. What works for me is having stuff in that I can make supper from in under 10 minutes. Bread, eggs, microwave rice, instant couscous, stirfry stuff, cooked chicken breast slices, soup etc. Ready meals are too expensive at full price but I cruise the reduced section of the supermarket for yellow-stickered ones (under £1) - they last a day or two past their use-by dates in the fridge, or they can go in the freezer and it still takes less than 10 minutes to microwave them. I also batch cook things like chilli con carne on the weekend and freeze them in tupperware - again, less than 10 minutes in the microwave before it's ready to eat.

It's only 9pm, not like it's that late. If he came home at 11pm or later then fair enough.

Seeing as you didn't have any dinner either I have little to no sympathy, especially as you asked him and he didn't give you an answer.

I think you were encouraging equality and refusing to willingly take wifework onto your shoulders. He didn't directly ask you to do it. Him getting into a takeaway habit is something you get to have a say on. I would raise the subject matter of factly once more only 'when we do the shopping what do you want available for dinners for you to cook for yourself when you have a late'.

@WaxOnFeckOff

No idea why there was no conversation before he left for work that day? Or has he been out since crack of dawn on on epic shift which makes the no dinner even worse.

I'm not saying that OP then needed to go and shop for whatever was decided in morning but more like.

What time will you be home?
About 9.
Will you need dinner?
Yes
I'm doing sausages, beans and mash for the kids, want some left?/there's a pizza you can through in oven/there's not much in, you could have egg on toast or bring something in with you.

The answer doesn't really matter as long as you both know what's happening.

It might be stressful and hard work being home with young kids, but it's also stressful and hard work being the only wage earner.

OP says "In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So she did ask, but not enough by your standards. Maybe next time she can prepare him some sausage beans and mash and spoon feed them to him, as though he were a child.

I think it would be quite tiring though, being in a relationship where you have to prove points all the time.

OP, I’ve been a SAHM for a looong time because we have 4 DC and yes, I do know how boring it is to have to carry the “mental load” of what 6 people will be eating day in day out. Especially as, like you, I would graze if left to my own devices. So yes, it’s boring, as I say, but the way I see it is that there are far worse things to have to worry about. I look at my life in balance and I think I have a very privileged life tbh, so even if so do have to pander to DH a bit around food, I don’t really mind. Having dinner ready and taking on that side if things goes a long way in making DHs feel appreciated. That’s what I’ve found anyway. You can get so consumed with the kids that some DHs can quickly feel peripheral to family life, if you’re home all the time and they’re not part of things as much. So sometimes a little effort can go a long way in making them feel valued. That would be my advice anyway.

And also, sorry, what I meant to say was this - if you’re actually married to someone, surely you know what they like to eat and their general preferences, without having to ask all the time?

@JoeCalFuckingZaghe

But surely anyone can rustle up some pasta or a chicken kiev or something quick So why couldn’t he have done it then? “He’s out earning” aye, and op is facilitating that by being at home looking after the kids. I’ll show my arse on the high street if her lazy man child ever bothers to cook for OP on his day off etc.

Honest to god, I hope those who are breastfeeding their husbands don’t have boys because they’re going to grow up to be just as incapable and pathetic as this man.

This! Honestly I cant believe the doormats on here. Her DH eyerolled and tutted her -wtaf why would you think this is ok? Its derision and contempt

@Timekeeper1

sometimes I believe that being kind means helping people to be self sufficient and prepared in life, instead of expecting things to just happen for you. I know he's not a child though, but the 'lesson' for me was definitely more of a 'relationship etiquette' lesson

Sorry but you sound very smug, condescending and controlling. You're married, you're supposed to be a TEAM. He works, and you work at home and do the meals, right? Then do that. He worked a long shift to provide for his family, and you treat him like shit and someone who needs to be 'trained'. Start by treating him with respect and get off your high horse.

There are a hell of a lot of assumptions here, I'm the cook at home but I also work. Just because she wasn't the last one in doesn't mean she doesn't also work...

Also running the house shouldn't include catering for the every whim of a man child. She asked what he wanted to do about it and he should have answered. Most women would have already thought up a plan as to what they would be doing in terms of food not assumed that there would be magical food waiting on the table. Why is it teamwork for her to just crack on and not teamwork for him to talk? Teamwork is a two way street...

Haven't disappeared! Wasn't expecting so many replies.

"No idea why there was no conversation before he left for work that day? "

That's actually why I ask beforehand. Days when DH is working, I'm busy with DC most of the time. I've learned to plan things that need to be planned, when DC are asleep basically. There's absolutely no thinking time or discussion time while they're running around, especially along with 'have you seen my shirt/belt/headphones/brain'. I also will always try to make sure he has something for lunch, a sandwich or something that I cooked beforehand, but that wouldn't really tide him over until dinner now that he'll be finishing late some days.

Also we have two DC, both two. I've posted before and they're not called 'babbling' and 'Brooke' or some such nonsense.

I think lack of communication is the issue here on both sides. But regardless, leaving someone without dinner to prove a point is a slippery slope. You need to have a proper conversation about how both sides want to manage this and reach a compromise. I guess that will be that he doesn't care what it us but he'd like food available to him reasonably quickly when he gets in. What he needs to do in exchange needs to be sorted out.

I also will always try to make sure he has something for lunch, a sandwich or something that I cooked beforehand, but that wouldn't really tide him over until dinner now that he'll be finishing late some days.

I don't even do that for my kids! Some days I cook/make a lunch, some days they're told to go and fend for themselves (they're 9 and 6, and perfectly capable of making toast/sandwich - or the 9 year old rice/noodles/scrambled egg etc) if I'm busy, some days DP cooks/makes lunch - a grown adult or child can take responsibility for feeding themselves and others.

In general, I think it's pretty unkind to let someone come home from work at 9pm and then have to cook their own dinner,

It depends really.If they have done a very long day,yes,maybe.
But perhaps DH has plenty of time before his shift? And the partner of a working til 9pm person may have been up at 5am and done a full day since then.
When I work late I often don't want the family meal heated up,I'm tired and I just want to eat what I want to eat - so I buy things so I can do that. I plan.
And if DH asked me what I wanted to do for food I would engage my brain and think - leftovers? I'll pick something up? Could you get me a few microwaveable meals when you shop?(Which he does,I hate shopping...)
It's not that hard.

I can see why so many relationships fail. So many pathetic and childish people. "Teaching him a lesson". You need to grow up.

If you were my OH I would eye roll you and I would bloody well order a takeaway when I got home from work if you were too lazy to even do me beans on toast.

Not unreasonable !
My OH says he can cook and look after himself but if I don’t leave him something pre prepared for when I’m at work he will only have cereal or toast (For breakfast, lunch and tea)maybe with beans if he’s making an effort, regardless of what else is in the fridge ! Lol.

Some of the replies here give the impression that DH 'did something wrong' and I responded by cancelling his dinner! That's probably my fault for using the word 'lesson' though. I can assure you that even if I was miffed about something I thought he'd done, if I'd had plans for his dinner I would have gone ahead with them; punishing people by withdrawing food and such like is abusive plain and simple. I just didn't know what he wanted, I was exhausted, it was new for both of us. I'm really hoping that going forward he'll meet me halfway with things like this. I am taking comments on board though.

@WaxOnFeckOff all I want him to do in exchange for anything, is listen if there's something I think is important.

@lynsey91 why can't he make himself beans on toast?

@WaxOnFeckOff

I think lack of communication is the issue here on both sides. But regardless, leaving someone without dinner to prove a point is a slippery slope. You need to have a proper conversation about how both sides want to manage this and reach a compromise. I guess that will be that he doesn't care what it us but he'd like food available to him reasonably quickly when he gets in. What he needs to do in exchange needs to be sorted out.

"Hed like food available to him reasonably quickly when he gets in"

I bet he would!
In which case he can behave like an adult and discuss it with the OP not tut and eye roll.

Honestly, two things

You need to eat properly yourself

And

Cook one dinner that can stand reheating on his lates. If he doesn’t want it bung it in the freezer.

If he doesn’t want it, he sorts something else from the fridge and freezer - sorry brain caught up with typing too late.

What a lot of pandering to a lazy man. He couldn't be bothered to think about it in advance, and expects that the OP will figure something out for him when he gets home.

If he's going to impose on her, he needs to accept she has her own way of doing it (i.e. in advance). If he's not willing to do it her way, he needs to sort it himself.

OP - suggest he goes to buy a couple of frozen ready meals and puts them in the freezer, so he can heat one up the next time he's working late. Problem solved.

I think perhaps the (perceived) issue for him is being asked to problem solve in advance. So just take the stress out by doing the above and then you don’t need to think/ask/do/refuse it’s already sorted.

So the answer is for OP to problem solve in advance instead?

WaxOnFeckOff

I guess that will be that he doesn't care what it us but he'd like food available to him reasonably quickly when he gets in.

lol, wouldn't we all!

Look i don't know anything about your relationship but your title did make it sound like you were being really petty, especially telling him he wasn't allowed to order a take away as well. It's just pretty alien to me when i try to put myself in your shoes, if I had cooked that day (which you said you had for your children) I would have put something away for my DH, if I hadn't and he was working that late i would have made him something and he would do the same for me if the situation was reversed but clearly that's not the type of relationship you have. Maybe you two need to learn to communicate better, this "teaching lessons" stuff doesn't sound very helpful

1. YANBU to expect your DH to be a functioning adult and think ahead about his own needs. Him coming in and looking dejected at the lack of food is down to the expectation you would take on the wife work. If you were not around, what would he have done?
2. I do recommend meal planning and batch cooking. Pick a day, and BOTH of you draw up a weekly menu. Breakfast, lunch, tea. If he does not engage, he gets the shopping list and the pleasure of getting the provisions in. That's when you can add freezer meals/soup/quick-cook pasta etc. I personally love my slow cooker.
3. Extend this to other annoying areas of the house. I have just printed out The Organised Mum Method for cleaning and DH (oddly), likes this more than I do! Win-win for me; far fewer chores.