DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

If you’re going to say he should cook for himself, where’s the partnership, the care for the other person?

And ok then, so going all his washing himself and no mixing smalls in the machine? Quickest way to not be mixing smalls at all.

But my answer depends to an extent if the op and her partner have made the decision for her to be a SAHM Or if she works full time as well - even at that, if he wasn’t going to be home TIL late and I’d cooked, for myself or kids, I’d make sure there was leftovers for him (beans on toast type dinners excluded!)

All this business about asking him what he’s going to want to eat days before the late shift - really? Yes! My DH works away, all sorts of weird shifts and we often have that conversation.

That way if it is most convenient for him to eat at home I can make sure there is something for him to eat. But if he finds grabbing something on the way easier then he can do that without inconveniencing me! He also shops on his way home if we need something.

Basically, as he is the one with the weird work patterns he gets to choose how/when he will get fed. I am more than happy to cook for him if he lets me know - and often that means he lets me know the same day, hours before he sets off for home. That's fine. It's communcation and he doesn't abdicate all responsibility with an eye roll!

where’s the partnership, the care for the other person? A one way deal, as usual!

I have just laid your scenario out to my husband and asked him what he would have expected in these circumstances and he snorted and said ‘No dinner!’ but then went on to say that he would have asked me to keep a portion of dinner, had I asked. He commutes and so often eats later than us. I have had over 15 years of juggling feeding us all at appropriate times and I think your husband was unreasonable in this scenario.

Do you normally cook an evening meal for you and your OH? I think you were mean and childish not to have cooked something which he could warm up.

My DH fairly often gets in late from work and I make sure I have cooked something that will reheat ok. Otherwise I cook something quick like an omelette when he gets in

“ He chose not to engage.”

Engage with what though?

I mean fair enough if the OP is planning an event or dinner party some days ahead and wants his opinion. But surely anyone can rustle up some pasta or a chicken kiev or something quick for their DH at 9pm without the need for him “engage” the day it days before so she can plan? She’s the one at home and presumably does the shopping? So just factor it in, like anyone else. It sounds like very hard work.

I think it was a bit mean to wait until he came home tired and hungry to 'teach him a lesson' - is your problem that he doesn't tell you what he wants in advance - surely you must know the kinds of things he likes to eat by now, why does it need a discussion? Or is it more you don't want to cook for him anymore as a matter of principle? I would be saying the same if the positions were reversed by the way, I just couldn't imagine me or my DH coming home from work that late and the other not having something ready (even if it's just a pie or something that has been chucked in the oven or beans on toast etc).

The OP hasn't said what the children had, except that it wasn't a pot of something type meal or she would've done DH type meal, so we can't assume it's something that would've been edible some hours later. If it were eg fish fingers or beans on toast, I wouldn't fancy that at gone 9pm.

Yeah that was a bit mean OP. Just make extra of what you’re having and if he doesn’t like that he can sort himself out. You’re meant to be a team!

Just make extra of what you’re having

OP didn't have anything cooked, so she already did that by also giving him nothing cooked.

Yanbu. You asked and he didn’t answer as it wasn’t concerning him at the time even though you were trying to think ahead and plan. So no you did the right thing, maybe going forward he will ask in advance and plan.

I don't think it was mean. After the eye rolling and tutting....not mean. I assume if at that conversation he'd said... I'll just heat up some of whatever you have, or maybe.... can you pop some kind of ready meal in the oven for me at 8.30, or even...I really don't mind, whatever you have in the fridge you would have done it. He didn't have to start opening recipe books and making lists, only a tiny bit of engagement was required. It's the eye rolling and attitude which changes things. YANBU.

Cook the family meal and leave him a plate to heat?

You said he knew shift patterns are new? Was this is his first late shift?

Great team work there OP.

If this were reversed how would you feel? That your OH thought more about teaching you a lesson than kindness/love/being thoughtful.

I get you were hacked off about the lack of discussion. But how much discussion in his head did it need? You are in charge of food/do the cooking. That is your remit. Maybe he doesn't understand the (sorry, but slight) logistics issues you have cooking with 2 year olds around. I think you need to have a discussion with him about how you want him "engage". Do you want him to actually menu plan with you. Specific meals for specific days (that would piss me off in your shoes - I am not a fucking restaurant). Do you want him to say "Don't worry, I'll come in at 9pm and cook myself." Do you actually know?

I think you were unkind.

I have far from a perfect marriage but I'd cook something for my DH if he'd worked until 9pm and got home tired and hungry, even if it was just beans on toast. He'd do the same for me. I honestly wouldn't prioritise watching YouTube videos because I was feeling tired.

Thinking about this again, surely it’s easier to meal plan once a week for dinners you will all eat and that you find easy/quick to cook rather than asking your DH what he would like and cooking specifically for him.

I’m guessing from your post you don’t work outside the home and while I don’t think you should specifically cook for your DH, I do think you could easily prepare a meal for your children and yourself that can be reheated when your DH gets home from work.

Asking him what he wants to do for dinner seems like hard work - take it he will eat whatever is the dinner of the day and if he wants something else, than he can prepare it himself.

Much easier to do this than ask what he wants days in advance and he turns around and says - I’d love steak with fresh steamed vegetables or a stir-fry or some fish thing or something that needs to be cooked and eaten straight away -who wants to cook a meal late at night - just so much easier to cook something nice for you all that can be easily re-heated for your DH later.

Do you perhaps resent the change in his work shift pattern ?

Let's hope he doesn't start to teach you lessons to, like withholding some of his income because he thinks you should have spent on something.

Oh yes, that's financial abuse!

So many Mary Sues!

Well, should he teach the op a lesson by saying he’s not going to pay the rent or mortgage this month because he was out at work and didn’t feel like it and she should pay her half?

But surely anyone can rustle up some pasta or a chicken kiev or something quick
So why couldn’t he have done it then? “He’s out earning” aye, and op is facilitating that by being at home looking after the kids. I’ll show my arse on the high street if her lazy man child ever bothers to cook for OP on his day off etc.

Honest to god, I hope those who are breastfeeding their husbands don’t have boys because they’re going to grow up to be just as incapable and pathetic as this man.

I do the cooking in the week as dh works much longer hours than me and I just cook one thing that everyone eats. I put his aside usually and he reheats it when he comes home.
You mentioned that you cook dc food separate food. Could you not start doing meals that everyone can eat? Two year olds are eating proper food, not mush or anything.
It’ll just be easier in the long term if everyone just has the same dinner.

Tbf.... This is why we have man babies. I think you have started teaching him how to plug in his own brain. GO YOU!!! How many times have you asked him what he wanted for dinner and been dismissed as though the question wasn’t important? The all the time, creativity and effort that you put into shopping, preparing, cooking and presenting is totally invisible as they either scarf it down without noticing... (like a fucking labrador) or they criticise, because at that single point in time, they actually decide they would rather have something else and they are great and worthy beings - so we should be able to wriggle our nose, or cross our arms and blink cutely and make a fabulous, musical sound, and their wishes for meal will appear magically before them. (All the whole looking on adoringly and being sexy at all times.)
FUCK THAT SHIT!
In the real world, we have other demands for our time, and even interests of our own. SOMETIMES.... (just sometimes, mind you...) WE EVEN HAVE OPINIONS!!! Maybe we want to choose what WE want for dinner sometimes! It may even include ingredients that he doesn’t particularly love! (Aubergine much, Darling One?)

"I would never have let him come home hungry at 9pm to no food "

"Let him" for God's sakes. He's a grown adult. You could easily say it the other way "I would never let my wife run around preparing a dinner specifically for me when she doesn't eat dinner herself."

Well, should he teach the op a lesson by saying he’s not going to pay the rent or mortgage this month because he was out at work and didn’t feel like it and she should pay her half?

Maybe she can start billing him for childcare and housework then. No, because it's ridiculous. OP asked several times what he wanted to do about food and he couldn't be bothered to answer. Attitudes like yours are disgusting.

Just make extra of what you’re having
If you didn’t have anything then make extra of what the children had?