DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

In our house it has always been 'one person does bedtime, the other makes dinner'. You're doing bedtime and all-day care. That's a looong day. He should do dinner (or cook a nice lunch for everyone, if that suits your family better).

I know he can't cook - but he needs to learn. Anyone can follow a recipe. An adult claiming they can't cook is just pathetic.

What if you went into hospital? (I imagine he'd expect his or your mummy to look after him). What if you died? (New marriage fast).

Wouldn't it be good, better for him and for your DCs and give him some options in life, if he was a competent adult?

I used to my DC's left over spaghetti hoops on toast, I was so tired.

You know what @JamieLeeCurtains - I think you've hit on something there. Maybe the OP selfishly made hoops on toast and scoffed it with the DCs, and she could have left some of that for hungry hubster.

Would that be a suitable compromise for those worried wives?

I wondered this too I'm curious about what you fed the twins and why you ate nothing?
I agree with other posters - if you are the person who is responsible for making the meals, just cook one family meal each day and make enough for all 4 of you. Your dh can heat his up when he gets home.

Our kids eat the same food as us (and we all eat tea together at the same time) so I actually don't understand why you wouldn't be cooking for the kids and include meals for the adults (I mean that as in why an adult in the family wouldn't be cooking a proper meal rather than why OP doesn't cook for them).

I am not a believer in children watching cartoons much at all but I do believe that tea prep time is a worthy reason to pop the TV on and let them watch 20 minutes while you get tea on without feeling the slightest bit of guilt. Also given that your DH has plenty of time in the morning it would be good if he could learn to use the slow cooker and prep tea before he goes, it would only take him 20 minutes, if that as he wont also be watching two toddlers at the same time.

[quote SuckingDownDarjeeling]@lottiegarbanzo the 'free time' option. All time around work is rest before work. I don't want to make that the focal point of my dilemma though. It's irritating as hell, but I don't want it to change what reasonable things he should look forward to immediately after work. It's a separate issue that needs fixing in its own right [/quote]
I dont think it is a separate issue actually, it's interconnected. He expects to work and do nothing else, not even bother engaging with meal prep and shopping to the extent of suggesting things he might like after a late. It's all symptomatic of the same attitude.

You should make something earlier,that can be reheated later, and not be having debates about it.

He should make something earlier, that can be reheated later, and not be having debates about it.

the options that were there for him to put in the oven were actually less work than whipping up an omelette, and were more satisfying

So he had several options of things to put in the oven that were all easy to do - so what on Earth was it he was grumbling about?

So he had several options of things to put in the oven that were all easy to do - so what on Earth was it he was grumbling about?

This: "He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven."

All those posters telling the OP she's unreasonable for not just 'whipping up something for him' or preparing something in advance for him, seem to be ignoring the fact that he's so lazy that he wanted OP to do the job of putting something into the oven for him!

This isn't an unreasonable wife. This is a very lazy husband.

Sorry, I know this isn't helpful OP but I'm feeling increasingly annoyed on your behalf (for you, for the injustice of your domestic set up).

You do all the childcare for 2yo twins. What time do they get up and go to bed? Maybe 6am - 7pm, then you'll have an hour or so of cleaning and tidying to do, then probably some admin. At 2 they might or might not nap during the day (and perhaps not at the same time?). So 6am - 8 or 9pm, a 14 or 15 hour shift, possibly without a break.

Your DH does what, a 9 hour shift? The rest of his hours are his own. He's been at home all morning, hasn't done any childcare or cleaning and hasn't sorted out anything for your or his lunch or dinner.

He gets in when you've recently finished your 15 hour shift and snuggled up in bed, to wind down with your phone, before sleep. He (and some surrendered wives on this thread) expect that you should immediately leap up and cook for him. Or that you should have prepped a lovely dinner for him (when, after the twins went to bed the night before? You've explained you have no time to cook properly while looking after them during the day).

Talk about keeping you barefoot in the kitchen.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Yes, he gets to relax and have downtime before work but when OP gets hers, after the twins are in bed, he expects a meal made for him when he couldn't be arsed to engage even to the extent of suggesting what might be purchased for him.

I think your attitude is bang on OP - and i'm delighted to read your posts

I like the idea of making surplus for the freezer for him to reheat when he gets home
Yes.....however, we don't want him continuing his 'forgot to think about that' attitude and allowing a precedent to be set....so if one day you don't plan/leave food in the freezer he 'can't' function.

why can't he plan/cook his own food?

Also when OP wants a takeaway there's not enough money, but when he wants one there is. Funny that ...

It's all a bit emotional blackmailly.

The sexism on this thread is depressing. I genuinely thought we had come further than this.

Let the entitled prick sort himself out OP. And don't feel guilty for not bending to the role of domestic servant.

The sexism on this thread is depressing. I genuinely thought we had come further than this.

Agreed. I'm so infuriated reading it.

The OP hasn’t actually said what her DH does on this late shift. Is it life-saving surgery? Is he down the mines, hacking coal? Or does he work in admin or something like that?

Just because you are someone who would generally plan and cook dinner for your husband does not mean you are a doormat. It depends on the balance in your relationship. People on MN are so quick to shout “1950s!!!” With no context whatsoever.

OP I can imagine it’s very difficult with twins. You have my sympathy there. I never had twins but there was a time when I had 4 under the age of 7, so I know what it’s like. I do think though, with twins, you could let them watch the CBeebies or whatever as downtime for half an hour while you sort dinner.

I also think that it is what it is - that if you are the one at home, the food planning and cooking will naturally fall to you. You don’t need to bring him into this. Why does it take two people to plan what you’re going to eat. If he wants a particular thing, he can tell you, but otherwise, you are making a rod for your own back. All he wants is something probably and he doesn’t really care what.

My DH is from a culture where women (ie MIL and co) are basically cooking constantly because they are not in the habit of using of short cuts. When I got engaged, I had to go to his mother’s house on Saturdays over a period of months so she could teach me how to make certain things (no I’m not joking). But, I said to DH, I’m not going to be in the kitchen making bread And god knows what all day and he doesn’t expect me to be. I might do all that if his family come over, but otherwise I just do what I feel like, depending on the weather and what’s going on.

There is no way I could do one shop for the family for the week because there are six of us and it wouldn’t fit in the fridge and it would go off anyway.

Don’t get into a tit-for-tat over this. Does he do things for you? Doesn’t need to be cooking, it could be other things? Look at the wider picture really, is what I’m saying. I think you sound lovely OP, but so can see how he might feel like you don’t care about him if he comes in and you’re on your phone and no food or effort whatsoever.

snappycamper

“The sexism on this thread is depressing.”

It’s astonishing. Wonder if there’s something in the water. Usually you get one or two Stepfords but the balance is in favour of normal women with actual lives who see themselves as having a function beyond servicing Neanderthal men. I am quite shocked by this thread.

I really did feel at the time that I'd be creating a rod for my own back by going out of my way to think something up and cook it.

Or, you do it and let him know that next time you'll both need to be more organised. "Making a rod for your back" is the kind of thing said about doing things for a child. With each comment you are making it clear you think it is up to you to "teach" him how to be an adult. Not your job.

As far as I can see nobody is suggesting that cooking for your husband is in itself inherently doormat, 50s behaviour capr1. It's the context here that makes those descriptions applicable to some of the criticism of OP.

All he wants is something probably and he doesn’t really care what

OP has has already said he fusses about reheating food and wastes it.

But why does it need two people to plan meals? I think from your posts you are the one who does most of the shopping and cooking (forgive me if I'm wrong) so just make a meal plan if that's what you are into, and then he can eat what he is given or have some toast

and if she presented fussy-pants-DH with a daily menu? she'd be a controlling ol' nag who made him eat what she said. OP can't win here unless she kicks her lazy arse DH right up his lazy arse.

I knew he'd just have been dossing around in the morning and not contributing to helping with the DCs or anything.

Tbh I'd often not plan to cook anything for my dh when he was working 8-8 shifts as he would eat at work and just have toast when he got home.

Yes, this is why the posts about her not needing his input because she knows what he likes all seem to ignore. This is a situation he's not been in for years. It isn't just a question of knowing what he likes to eat, it's also a question of knowing what he might want after irregular hours.

I know the meals my husband likes in the evening and would eat at 7 after getting home an hour earlier, and he does for me too. But I don't know what he'd want at 9.30 after working 12-9 because that's new territory. He'd have to meet me in the middle and give me an idea.

But why does it need two people to plan meals

Because sometimes its nice to ask other people what they fancy to eat.Also you can get a pain in your arse,having to think of dinners every night of the week.