DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

@ItWasNotOK - yes I know, I sometimes forget though that many women encourage men to be like this and admonish other women who have the temerity to say no. (usually mothers about their adult sons - hence so many MIL rants posts here).

He’s not a child. If he’s hungry why can’t he take lunch with him and dinner to have at work? Why is it up to you? If I was making dinner I’d save some if there was enough and if he wanted he could have it but I wouldn’t cook just for him.

I work 12 hour shifts, so I plan and make sure I have 3 meals to take with me, I do it I don’t rely on anyone else or if I’m short of time I’ll take a ready meal. I don’t get home and expect a meal unless we’ve discussed it and that’s the plans.

My ex did back shift he took his meal to work. He wouldn’t come home at 10pm and cook dinner for himself. But if there was something leftover he’d take it the next day. He needs to take responsibility for himself & communicate with you. I’m just about to make lasagne for work the next few days and some left for my eldest son so he has dinner or he’ll make himself something I can freeze some for other work days. I have 4 children and they mostly eat the same stuff but as someone else said if not then they can eat the bits they like and leave the rest, you can’t pander especially when food costs so much I’ve had to increase my food budget recently as what I originally had didn’t cover us for a week.

So far I'm getting some good ideas, baked potatoes, slow cooker meals, things like that sound like good options.

I appreciate that for some people it might seem a bit too structured, planning so much in advance. But when we learned we were having twins, we went to some TAMBA seminar type things and every set of parents of multiples made it very clear how important structure and routine is. It turned out to be the truest advice I've ever received, especially when I'm by myself with them. Everything needs to be planned down to the minute, that's the only way things stay working here!

Make some larger meals and freeze portions for those days when you don't want to cook. This would be handy for either of you. Bolognese sauce, curries, stews, etc. can easily be made in large batches. Only rice pasta or veg necessary to be cooked on the day. Come in from work, put accompanying food on stove, have shower, come down and eat meal, simple. If you freeze sauces etc. flat in zip lock bags they defrost quickly and are easy to store too.
YANBU he is an adult too and should be able to think of sustenance for himself and you at least a few times a week.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling - no dear OP, the. problem you seem to have (according to the surrendered wives of MN) is that you did not run to the door, with his pipe and slippers and newspaper and then proceed to dish up a hearty meat pie and peas to this Adonis who has been slaving away at unearthly hours while you pass away the time playing with two young children and watching Youtube. You see, your role in life is not to be happy, fulfilled or even mildly bored, it is to be a martyr for no greater calling has any wife.

PS - I hope you return to tell us the short term, medium term and long tern results of your behavioural experiment

"So far I'm getting some good ideas, baked potatoes, slow cooker meals, things like that sound like good options."

What about the option of letting HIM think about it?

He's working. She's at home It's basic decency in a marriage to have something there

Oh nice, so mothers at home with toddler twins are not working whilst the person who had to do nothing before 12:00 is? If that is your worldview we will never agree on this topic, women looking after homes and DC are not painting their nails all day, any more than poor menz at "work" are nose to the grindstone all day.

How is it so difficult and require so much planning ? A person will usually eat anything if they are hungry . Do people ask their partners every day - what would you like to eat tonight ??

You could actually read the OP's posts if you can't be arsed to RTFT. Its quite easy, there is even a button to help you do it.

And that is before we get onto the pathetic inability to prepare basic food makes for a pretty incompetent parent.

As usual there is MN making a mountain here as well as the usual "let's turn it into a whole abusive husband case " , man v little woman thread. I know that if I was working a late shift and my DH had been home and had cooked something at 7pm he would have set some aside for me . It's about basic decency and respect which many of you seem to lack . He wouldn't have asked me - he would just have done so . For so many of you it's like tit for tat.

I know that if I was working a late shift and my DH had been home and had cooked something at 7pm he would have set some aside for me

Oh look, another one who can't use the "show all OP posts" button.

@C8H10N4O2

I know that if I was working a late shift and my DH had been home and had cooked something at 7pm he would have set some aside for me

Oh look, another one who can't use the "show all OP posts" button.

No I can actually but i think all these excuses like fish fingers and not eating is just covering up a lack of respect . God help a marriage that gets as petty as this.

@TheStuffedPenguin yes, I have mentioned a few times that I didn't cook anything for 'the family'. I certainly wouldn't have made less of anything like that as some kind of a punishment. I just didn't get up to make anything after DC went to sleep. I am interested to hear both opinions for and against what I did, I'm not digging my heels in about this, it's just nowhere near true that I cooked for me and not him 🤷‍♀️

@AryaStarkWolf - when men are hungry, the normal rules don't apply. A hungry man is a man being failed by his lazy wife. Bit like Mornington Crescent. It makes no sense but it just is.

God help a marriage that gets as petty as this

Ok so you read the posts where the OP had asked him what he wanted and he declined to say or cooperate with any planning and was picky about food but just wanted her to drop everything after a long day because he is too bloody useless to prepare anything for himself after his shorter working day?

Om help the women who live in a society where other women tell them that however hard a day they have had, however useless the husband, it is still their job to mother him as well as the actual children.

it's just nowhere near true that I cooked for me and not him - this has indeed quickly become the "cancel the cheque" of this thread, but I suspect that it will simply continue as its the most attractive narrative for those on the poor hungry man kick.

Everything needs to be planned down to the minute, that's the only way things stay working here!

But why does it need two people to plan meals? I think from your posts you are the one who does most of the shopping and cooking (forgive me if I'm wrong) so just make a meal plan if that's what you are into, and then he can eat what he is given or have some toast - but you must know his likes and dislikes. I get that this is 'wife work' though, but if that's the role (shopping and cooking) that you are currently responsible for, just get on with it on your own :)

@SuckingDownDarjeeling YANBU and don't listen to all these sour women expecting you to bend over backwards for your adult man.

@Regretsy

Once again mumsnet voices my own frustrations! My DP seems completely unable to think ahead (after I have asked him earlier if he wants anything and it’s too early to decide apparently) and recently has been known to forlornly open the fridge, sigh loudly and when I ask him what’s wrong ‘where’s all the food?’ Ffs 😅. YOURE A GROWN MAN THINK AHEAD LIKE I DO AND BUY SOME FOOD. I find it such a vagina dryer, it’s so childish and I’m sure he would exist entirely on sweets and biscuits if I wasnt there to cook him occasional meals when I start to worry he’ll get rickets etc. I think it’s laziness, the assumption its the woman’s job, and omg I’m so sick of it!! Seriously considering leaving him and joining a nunnery at this point. Thank you for allowing this rant, I will now google nunneries somewhere hot with a beach...

My DS is living at home with me for a while after graduating and this is most definitely a life lesson I'm teaching him. Buy fucking food. Cook it. Forget ordering out for ridiculously crap pricey food. He can make pasta pesto in 15 minutes for about 50p.

In turn, having read threads on here about demanding and draining older parents, I am thinking ahead (with him) on how I maintain my independence as I get older without compromising his, ie I don't start to thoughtlessly rely on him as an emotional crutch and unpaid carer.

MN really is an education.

I wish I'd used the desktop site and enabled voting, I can bet the result would be as close as the Brexit referendum. I'm still no closer to knowing if I was too mean or not! I have to say though it is comforting knowing at least some people would have done the same, or at least think I'm not a total cow. And I'm about to take the DC on a walk to the shops to get ingredients because... I now know what DH wants to eat tonight! Hallelujah**

I'm curious about what you fed the twins and why you ate nothing?
I agree with other posters - if you are the person who is responsible for making the meals, just cook one family meal each day and make enough for all 4 of you. Your dh can heat his up when he gets home.

Similarly when it's his turn to cook (weekends etc or days he's not working long shift) he cooks for all 4 family members.

That's how we work things here over the past 20 years and it works well.

Also when I'm cooking I always try to cook a couple of meals each week which will last 2 nights - curry / bolognaise / stew / meatballs etc so it minimises my cooking time a lot. The second night only requires fresh carbs (if vegetables are in the main dish)

I think I'm lucky as my dh will literally eat anything I serve him and is always ridiculously grateful, can't say the same about the teen. But I'm the fussy one so it's definitely harder for him to cook for me. I eat pretty much everything but I have to be in the mood for that particular food to want to eat it - so I do most of the cooking by choice so I can control that!

OP what does he do in the morning, when doing these late shifts?

Is he sharing the domestic and childcare load (as the average 9-5/6 working DH would do in the evening)? Or is he lounging around claiming 'his free time' (like the lazy 'my wife is also my mother', 'my time is mine, her time is ours' husbands do)?

Personally I would just keep a stock of a few ready meals of things he likes in the freezer.

Then on days when you're cooking for the whole family he can just have a plate made up and left for him to reheat when he gets home and on days when you're making kid dishes/stuff he doesnt like he can have a ready meal. You could even have an agreement that as he's leaving work he let's you know hes en route and you can put a ready meal in the oven so that by the time he's getting home it is done/nearly ready?

For me, putting a ready meal in the oven takes seconds so wouldn't be an inconvenience to do it for him but because it is in the oven while he's commuting home it cuts out that 25 minute wait he has when he gets home.

@lottiegarbanzo the 'free time' option. All time around work is rest before work. I don't want to make that the focal point of my dilemma though. It's irritating as hell, but I don't want it to change what reasonable things he should look forward to immediately after work. It's a separate issue that needs fixing in its own right

@caperplips the OP did explain all that previously

I'm curious about what you fed the twins and why you ate nothing?

There was often times i just wasnt hungry.Or had plans to make something later and never did.

Ok but plenty of time for him to cook a lasagne or curry for you both, put something in a slow cooker for you to enjoy later etc, while you look after the DCs.