DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

One other point with the "no cook" DH - who would feed the DC if anything happened to you? There are few things less attractive than a parent who can't manage basic care of their DC, including feeding them.

I had five kids who all had different preferences.

I cooked one meal and they all ate the bits they liked.

I'd be fucked if I'd cook five separate meals for the little darlings. Nobody starved (and to this day I can't remember which one won't eat fish fingers, which one won't eat peas and who hates beans).

I agree with you. I try to get my DH engaged with a meal plan every week. If he’s out I get myself a ready meal from shops. He doesn’t think about doing same or adding to list of I’m out and I used to do that for him but not any more. Also if he can’t be arsed to help with the plan and you instead get an eye roll it serves him bloody right

I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed

You're either taking the piss here or you are really mean . It's not what I would call a partnership .

You're either taking the piss here or you are really mean . It's not what I would call a partnership

Why? Both have done a long day, why is it OP's job to feed a non cooperative adult rather than his to feed himself?

he has cooked for me exactly two times over the course of our relationship, both pre-DC although one of those times I was pregnant.

My OH has cooked for me more often than that in the past week and we don't live together and he works full time.

@Capr1

Fizzy - I think if you ask most men, “What would you like to eat next Monday at 9pm?” they would just say, “Whatever you’re making on the day.” Most people aren’t that fussed tbh. If I sat my DH down and made him tell me what he wants to eat every night of the week and I wrote this down and held him to it, he’d think I’d lost the plot. Does anyone do this? This is a very rigid way to live, surely? It also sounds like hard work. I just cook what I’m in the mood to do - some days it’s more elaborate than others. DH is happy with anything really. But I wouldn’t be glued to YouTube when he came in and then tell him to sort himself out. I don’t think that’s how most relationships work.

But he didn't say whatever you're making on the day. If he'd managed that level of engagement, that would've been a great improvement.

Capr1 Fizzy - I think if you ask most men, “What would you like to eat next Monday at 9pm?” they would just say, “Whatever you’re making on the day.” Most people aren’t that fussed tbh. If I sat my DH down and made him tell me what he wants to eat every night of the week and I wrote this down and held him to it, he’d think I’d lost the plot.

Last week we had something like: Meatless Monday, Taco Tuesday, Wrap Wednesday, Leftover Thursday (ran out of the desire to make aliterations for this crap…) Fast food Friday, Fritata Saturday and a roast on Sunday.

It was, as it always has been, take it or leave it. If you don't eat it you can eat toast or whatever, but it's entirely up to you. But then all of us get involved in the planning and prep, and DH and I do the shopping (which we hate so we take turns) with a list. There's no pandering to fussiness (except that the non-cauliflower eater gets broccoli or something easy to swap). If you don't join in, you fend for yourself.

OP's DP is fussy though - he wouldn't just re-heat what the kids had had like most people.

But I wouldn’t be glued to YouTube when he came in and then tell him to sort himself out.

Her DP didn't start work until 12 - but didn't do any of the meals before that either - I bet for a couple of them he was on his phone/in bed/doing his own thing too, but when OP does that it's unreasonable?

If DP comes in late from work, I might help him cook or cook for him, or if I'm knackered too I might not. It's not my duty to do it, it's a kindness, so if I take a night off that's fine, that's him being kind to me isn't it? Doesn't it need to go both ways?

OP wasn't floating around the house arranging flowers, she was wrangling twin 2 year olds, she's likely pretty tired too!

@C8H10N4O2

You're either taking the piss here or you are really mean . It's not what I would call a partnership

Why? Both have done a long day, why is it OP's job to feed a non cooperative adult rather than his to feed himself?

WTF needs to plan meals individually with people ? He's working. She's at home . It's basic decency in a marriage to have something there . How is it so difficult and require so much planning ? A person will usually eat anything if they are hungry . Do people ask their partners every day - what would you like to eat tonight ??

OP wasn't floating around the house arranging flowers, she was wrangling twin 2 year olds, she's likely pretty tired too!

Jesus some women do this and work a full time job as well

" He's working. She's at home . It's basic decency in a marriage to have something there "

Well this is new to me and my husband hasn't complained yet.

Maybe you think it's the person who is at home's job to also make dinner every night. That doesn't mean it is the case for every marriage.

And by the way, she's also working. Taking care of children is working.

"Jesus some women do this and work a full time job as well"

Yes and if you work a full time job, presumably someone is taking care of your children all day so it works out the same.

So somehow OP is responsible for working full time and cooking for her husband?

My DH has worked late shifts the entire time we've been together. He has lunch before work (2-10 shift, a couple of years on 1-9) and takes snacks and sandwiches or leftovers to heat up etc when he has his break at 7/8 o'clock and he's never had dinner when he gets home. He might have toast or something equally suppery if he's hungry.

I wouldn't be making him dinner for when he gets back and if he can't sort out feeding himself on his break then it's up to him to sort out food when he gets home. Working a late shift just means that you work your day and meals around your working hours, maybe he'll have a bigger lunch and sandwiches for dinner. It's not up to you to sort him out like you're sending him off to school.

I work a full-time job and do all the cooking (DH does the cleaning). I still wouldn’t be leaping up at 9pm to cook a meal for Mr Fussypants if he’d rolled his eyes and tutted at me for asking what he’d like beforehand. I’m not an on-call chef.

Yanbu

Adult son works out the home and when he gets back (anytime between 6:30 and 9:30) he bungs something in the oven and has a bath until the food is ready. He doesn't eat with us as he has his own fussy criteria and the time he gets home varies so much.

He said that he'd cross that bridge when he came to it and that was last night.

So he wasn't clear what he would want, how hungry he might be as he has just started working nights and not had that experience. Given that, I would have prepared something or at least had ingredients ready to whip up an omelette, salad or something similar. Ist night working has indicated that he will be hungry and would like something to eat on his return. Why did you dissuade him from having a one off takeaway which would have resolved the issue?
Of course you needed to teach you husband a 'dinner lesson' as per your heading

The problem is the underlying attitude.

Someone who believes 'wife = domestic goddess and mother to the household' will see the lack of a cooked meal, to his taste, at 9pm (crafted especially for him, if she and the DCs ate something simple that doesn't keep) as a slight and a failure. Self-pity and self-righteousness will justify his 'punishing' her slatternly ways by spunking family money on takeaways, until she relents and starts doing the job he's assigned her, as wife and mother.

Is he one of those OP?

It's surprising how many men turn out to be, deep down, who gave every impression of embracing equality before DCs, when you were each paying your own way.

So he wasn't clear what he would want, how hungry he might be as he has just started working nights and not had that experience.

So he can’t be expected to know how hungry he’ll be or what he might want, but she should be able to work out how hungry he’ll be and what he might want and have all the ingredients ready to go? After he was rude to her for even asking?

"So he wasn't clear what he would want, how hungry he might be as he has just started working nights and not had that experience. Given that, I would have prepared something or at least had ingredients ready to whip up an omelette, salad or something similar"

Why couldn't he have 'whipped up' something before he left the house?

I've not read the full thread, just the OP's replies.

My husband is on back shift for 3 week stints, gets back at about 11pm. I have a 21mo and don't like cooking with him around, I can't even contemplate what twins get up to.

When DH is on back shift, I throw something in the slow cooker in the morning when he's about. I plate up at 5, when DS and I eat. I put DH's plate in the microwave so he can reheat when he gets home.

Most slow cooker meals also freeze beautifully, so you can put it in the freezer. I only do 1 food shop a week so always forward plan.

Dear God People

Why can't a man make himself an omelette without as @RoisinD said you having to "have the ingredients ready to make an omelette)???????

Last time I looked my 13 year old DS could go to our fridge, get eggs, cheese and sometimes ham and make himself an omelette - he can even make one with just eggs. Why is it the OP's job to do this for her DH?????????? Also, he was at home until 12 midday - loads of time to get his own food in the fridge to "make a salad or an omelette"

This is not the 1950's - OP already asked her DH what he would like her to have in the house for him/her to cook and he said he would cross that bridge when he came to it - which he did last night.

OP, YANBU. What did he do for dinner when he was single? If he can remember how to drive he can remember how to cook.

I mean, the options that were there for him to put in the oven were actually less work than whipping up an omelette, and were more satisfying. So I'm getting really confused now would the posters who say they would have left the ingredients out for an omelette or similar, have considered the oven meal to be a similar compromise? I thought up to now that the issue was me not having hot food ready.

@Annasgirl because their big man jobs leave them unable to do menial tasks at home