DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

My hubby just makes beans on toast if he misses dinner. He never moans

A meal plan is exactly what I want the outcome of this to be. I'm going to ask again today what kinds of things I should buy for the next few days' meals. God knows what I'll do if he refuses to engage again though, probably just a few random microwave meals that I'll set to heat up on my way to bed.

Tell him that. Tell him exactly what he'll get if he won't talk to you about food.

When I worked I did 3 to 11.So if he's in till 9, hesthe whole morning to cook his own dinner and either (a) bring it to work or ( b) put it in the fridge till later.

I don't know why people on here think just cause she's a sahm she should also be a slave.

And talking of respect,it's a 2 way street.Eye rolling and tutting is not an answer and is very rude.

Love the pp comment on people ‘breastfeeding your husbands’, going to steal that. Just an observation that may be sexist from me but it’s interesting because I bet if this was dadsnet or whatever this 11 page discussion wouldn’t exist, and that’s because women have been socialised to feel guilty, overthink, and do the mental work. It started because the OP felt guilty about not providing a meal for her husband after he was rude to her. I bet a man would just not provide a meal if not asked, and not even consider it something to feel bad about. IME men just don’t think about things so much, it must be so nice.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling

A meal plan is exactly what I want the outcome of this to be. I'm going to ask again today what kinds of things I should buy for the next few days' meals. God knows what I'll do if he refuses to engage again though, probably just a few random microwave meals that I'll set to heat up on my way to bed.

I would just say something like - I'm going shopping today at 4pm let me know what you want me to buy for your dinners before then or else I'll just get you a load of microwave dinners. And I'd leave it at that

@garbagegirl he has cooked for me exactly two times over the course of our relationship, both pre-DC although one of those times I was pregnant.

[quote SuckingDownDarjeeling]@garbagegirl he has cooked for me exactly two times over the course of our relationship, both pre-DC although one of those times I was pregnant. [/quote]
Then imo you are doing the right thing. If you don't want to get into the loop of having to cook at gone 9pm then start as you mean to go on!
He will get over himself and learn to cook or live on sandwiches.

God knows what I'll do if he refuses to engage again though, probably just a few random microwave meals that I'll set to heat up on my way to bed.

Why would you put them on to heat for him? Surely he can turn on the microwave by himself!

If he’s rude and dismissive again when you try to sort out his dinner, I think “fine, I’ll stick a couple of microwave dinners in the freezer and you can sort yourself out” is generous enough. And more generous than I would be if I was already making his lunch and doing 4 separate meals in a day some days.

But you know after being together this long what he likes to eat. Choosing for him last night - just one night this week - would not have been a lot of mental effort for you at all. You were not prepared to change your system at all from the usual, even if the circumstances had changed.

It wouldn't matter whether it was a man or a woman out working until that late or who was at home, I'd expect a supportive partner. A relationship where one partner though they needed to teach 'relationship etiquette' or score points is not for me.

For the love of God do not fall into trap of thinking about his meals for him. If he cba to put two seconds thought in when you are planning, its tough fucking shit later on.

This with bells on.

Try to get everyone onto one meal a day, cook it, leave his portion plated. If he doesn't like it then he needs to sort it out.

He lost any sympathy from me when having ignored your offers he then tutted and eye rolled at your failure to be psychic.

OP this is MN. Wimmin must always feed their men cos penis.

Its the law. If your man is hungry you have FAILED at life.

When my exh used to work the afternoon shift, I used to do him a sandwich when I got tea ready & he would warm up some soup to have with it when he got home, it took him 10 min maximum when he came in.

@DishingOutDone

OP this is MN. Wimmin must always feed their men cos penis.

Its the law. If your man is hungry you have FAILED at life.

It's odd because normally people are saying "this is mumsnet so men are always in the wrong" which is it???

Is he very fussy OP? Is this why you need to ask him all the time?

How long have you been with him? Don’t you just know the kind of thing he likes by now?

If he is someone who is rude enough to moan about your cooking then fair enough - 9pm frozen pizza all the way. But otherwise, just do something he would normally eat. Surely you can use your initiative here? It doesn’t need to be a huge deal. Stir-fry noodles with veg and chicken / prawns or whatever takes 5 mins. Minute steak and chips if he’s a meat eater type. Dinner can be really quick. Or just have stuff in the freezer as pp say. If you keep asking him, you’re just complicating life for yourself.

I have two young adult children at home: DS22 and DD19. They work in establishments that are open from 5am-11pm. We do eat together most evenings but will often work late shifts and "close" at least a few nights a month.

If they are having late shifts, they buy their own easy food in advance themselves. They buy canned soups, prepared salads, readymade rice, jarred pasta sauces, etc... I will often ask them if they want me to prepare a meal for them for those nights. They always tell me that they will sort themselves out. They'll come home and make an omelette, a stir fry, pasta with a jarred sauce, egg fried rice and vegetables, have a soup and a sandwich or whatever is available.

Their father, my DH, sometimes works late nights and would sort his own dinner because if his children don't need mothering, why should he?!

OP, you are not BU!

Stop! Just stop doing his food. He sounds like a fussy nightmare and he clearly doesn't want to plan for his meals so why should you? He's an adult. He won't starve. There's a line between supporting someone and serving them and you're well into being a servant territory.

A meal plan is exactly what I want the outcome of this to be.

Tell him you're going to make a meal plan. You know his schedule, make a time when you're going to make it and he's available. Tell him you're doing it on X day and he must join in or he gets what he's given.

And then do it. :)

I can't believe some of these replies.

And THIS makes me think that 'a lesson' is exactly what your DH needs:

There have been days where no word of a lie I have cooked four separate meals in the evening; one for DC, one for DH, one for FIL when he's here and to be honest by the time I'm done with that I can barely be bothered to make some ramen noodle soup for myself.

That's appalling.

So let me get this straight.

He doesn't cook.
He doesn't like, or rather won't accept putting up with, whatever might have already been cooked for the kids/you earlier - it has to be something he 'fancies'
He isn't actually ok with getting in and bunging something for himself from the freezer in the oven, or whipping up something really basic. To avoid huffing and puffing, ideally you'd spring up and cook something lovely and appetising, or even if it's something cobbled together, it would preferably have to be YOU doing that for him when he gets in.
Your solution is that if he just asks for something in advance and gives you a heads up, you'll fit that wifework solely for him into your day - EXTRA FUCKING WORK just to give him what he prefers, not even what's convenient with kids and bedtimes to wrangle - but no - that constitutes being uptight and OTT and gets an eye roll.

Seriously.

That would be it from me.

What a fucking whiny entitled child you are married to.

Unbelievably selfish, demanding and awful.

YANBU Op he wanted to cross that bridge when he came to it. So that’s exactly what he did.

So yes your DH DOES very much need a lesson.

When someone is already meeting you halfway and more than half way and is prepared to do extra work to make sure you get what you LIKE - not even the basic what you need, but what you LIKE - YOU DO NOT FUCKING ROLL YOUR EYES AND ACT LIKE THE LITTLE EMPEROR.

You act like a grown up partner and you thank them, and you both plan your days so no-one has to run around like crazy doing extra shit that could have been done earlier.

He needs to learn that, and I'd say he also needs to learn that if he wants to be fussy about food, he can take that extra work on himself.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling

A meal plan is exactly what I want the outcome of this to be. I'm going to ask again today what kinds of things I should buy for the next few days' meals. God knows what I'll do if he refuses to engage again though, probably just a few random microwave meals that I'll set to heat up on my way to bed.

Why do you need to set them up to heat? Does he not know how a microwave works?

What kind of job can be done in the wide world by a man who is incapable of turning a time and pressing an 'on' button?

YOU refuse to engage! He's a grown man! He won't starve to death! He can eat a bowl of cereal if he refuses to learn to cater for himself.

I still don't understand why he can't buy a couple of ready-meals and put them in the freezer?

OP has twin toddlers. She has her hands full! He's just coming home from a work shift, just as many of us do, and we still manage to shop and cook.

OP - why do you feel you have to solve this problem? He needs to engage and solve it.

Fizzy - I think if you ask most men, “What would you like to eat next Monday at 9pm?” they would just say, “Whatever you’re making on the day.” Most people aren’t that fussed tbh. If I sat my DH down and made him tell me what he wants to eat every night of the week and I wrote this down and held him to it, he’d think I’d lost the plot. Does anyone do this? This is a very rigid way to live, surely? It also sounds like hard work. I just cook what I’m in the mood to do - some days it’s more elaborate than others. DH is happy with anything really. But I wouldn’t be glued to YouTube when he came in and then tell him to sort himself out. I don’t think that’s how most relationships work.

I have cooked four separate meals in the evening; one for DC, one for DH, one for FIL

Not only is this ridiculous (assuming the different meals and not tweaks such) but its not setting a great lesson for the DC. It just reinforces the case to have standard family meals, take major preferences into account and then he needs to grow up and eat them. Ditto FiL frankly