DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

She communicated with him. He refused to commnicate back. That's a pretty one-sided failure.

I suspect he has a fantasy in his head of an idealised bountiful mother figure. One that makes nutritious, satisfying casseroles from scratch every evening (magically, around looking after toddlers. Probably on a fantasy Aga, that they don't have). 'Mother of the household' (including to man-children) is a powerful archetype.

It hasn't occurred to him that if they had omlette, there won't be any satisfying leftovers. Then again, it would take less than five minutes for him to rustle up his own omlette.

He might just need that nudge, 'we had omlette, there's stuff in the fridge for yours' to think of making his own. Otherwise frozen portions are perfect. Or, chuck in a potato to bake that'll be ready when he's back. Those would be my 'no thought options'.

Honestly though, I wouldnt get into asking what he wants, with any implication that you're going to meet his desires. I'd say 'I can do x, y or z. If you want anything else, you need to work out how to make that happen, yourself'.

If you're up with toddlers at daybreak, being in bed at 9pm is completely to be expected.

@AryaStarkWolf yes I can see that, I feel a bit silly for my choice of words. In terms of what I cooked for DC though, DH would never eat it. Even if he was home and there was extra. He doesn't like things like beans on toast, chicken nuggets, noodles with cheese, soup, he hates fish so wouldn't touch fish fingers or admirals pie with a barge pole. There have been days where no word of a lie I have cooked four separate meals in the evening; one for DC, one for DH, one for FIL when he's here and to be honest by the time I'm done with that I can barely be bothered to make some ramen noodle soup for myself. Which is one of the things I could have made after DC went to sleep but DH sometimes loves that, sometimes can't stand it, and I would have been a little miffed if I'd wasted one of my packs of noodles

She didn’t leave him without dinner, there was food, just not ready to eat.
Plenty of people come home and get food ready for themselves.

My DH came home at various times of the evening, or the early hours. Most evenings I’d cooked for him as well as for the rest of the family, sometimes he ate it, sometimes he’d already eaten. I threw a lot of food away. My choice to do it.

YANBU to expect your dh to be an adult and plan ahead. It would irritate me if I'd asked this and he had replied like this a few times tbh. Perhaps you have a few issues to address regarding the burded of planning and wife work? As a pp said early on this type of helplessness is massively off putting and a vagina dryer!

There have been days where no word of a lie I have cooked four separate meals in the evening; one for DC, one for DH, one for FIL when he's here and to be honest by the time I'm done with that I can barely be bothered to make some ramen noodle soup for myself

there's your big mistake, OP. He expects you to continue to do that. You need to use actual words and be very clear about what is to happen next time he has a late shift. He sounds like a right bloody pain in the neck to feed, tbh.

I think you are making this much harder than it needs to be!!!

Presumably you know what things your DH likes? So next time you cook say spaghetti bolagnaise or curry or other easily free able things just make a couple of extra portions (minus the pasta/rice) and put them in Foil or plastic takeaway type containers which you can buy at the supermarket.
Then when your DH is on a night shift you can take one out to defrost earlier in the day and then all it needs is reheating when he gets home along with chucking some rice or pasta on a lot of boiling water. Minimal effort for a decent meal. Likewise make sure you have some easy freezer to oven food, maybe pies and chips that you can chuck in the oven along with some veg in a pan. Minimal effort again.

I find it odd to offer a choice of food. If I'm cooking then people generally get what they are given. One meal is prepared for the whole family and a plate is set aside for DH coming home late.

I try to balance fish, meat and veggies through the week, I know what is in the fridge and what needs to be used up. Offering everyone a free choice for every meal would create too much work, plus they're not really interested in thinking about dinner at breakfast time.

Teaching him a 'lesson' is still wife work. It's just you opted for mental and emotional labour rather than the physical labour of making dinner. You're not his parent. Don't 'teach' him.
Fwiw if I was about to start late shifts, I would have no idea three days in advance what I would want for dinner when I finished . You may be a planner. He may be deadline-motivated. Both are valid. In our house, DH's hours can be erratic. Our response to that is if he comes in at dinner time then he eats with us. If he's going to be later then there is always cold meat, tins or something in the freezer that he can get himself.
It's not my job to feed him but since I order the food shopping, I do make sure there are items he can get with minimum effort if he's coming in late. He wouldn't want to reheat our earlier meal at 9pm. He'd think it too heavy.

[quote SuckingDownDarjeeling]@AryaStarkWolf yes I can see that, I feel a bit silly for my choice of words. In terms of what I cooked for DC though, DH would never eat it. Even if he was home and there was extra. He doesn't like things like beans on toast, chicken nuggets, noodles with cheese, soup, he hates fish so wouldn't touch fish fingers or admirals pie with a barge pole. There have been days where no word of a lie I have cooked four separate meals in the evening; one for DC, one for DH, one for FIL when he's here and to be honest by the time I'm done with that I can barely be bothered to make some ramen noodle soup for myself. Which is one of the things I could have made after DC went to sleep but DH sometimes loves that, sometimes can't stand it, and I would have been a little miffed if I'd wasted one of my packs of noodles [/quote]
haha fair enough, if he's that fussy I can see why you would get annoyed, my DH will eat literally anything!

What's jumping out at me is that OP's DH never cooks for himself and she usually cooks him what he'd like to eat when he'd like to eat it.

So the question was: should I just jump to it and cook whenever he fancies eating even though he is not at home for dinner time?

For me the answer is he should learn to cook for himself at least some of the time rather than just expecting someone else will do it for him. Better still, he could cook for everyone.

but why are the children being fed 'special childen's food' like chicken nuggets, fish fingers etc?
why not cook one meal like spag bol or chicken casserole or whatever and EVERYONE eats the same food!?

I don't know how people get by day to day when simple stuff like food needs so much planning and preparation and discussion.
You're at home-you decide what is going to be cooked for dinner, you cook it, you feed the kids and yourself and you put somme by for your dh when he comes home.
Job done.

If he was at home and you at work, he does the same.

@Prettybluepigeons I agree, me and DH both work FT, there is no option for "special orders" in our house, whoever gets home first throws the dinner on, if you don't like it sort yourself out!

I think if he wants something he should let you know not eye roll when you ask and call you a nag

he sounds like a child

Also, on the takeaway note, my reasoning aside from money was that he'd be waiting longer than 25 mins for the food to arrive, and he'd still have to go downstairs to collect it. In my head, it was just a more expensive version of the same effort expenditure. Is that weird though? Would takeaway always be easier than an oven meal?

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

But you could plan it beforehand, because you knew he'd be late back off shift. If it were my OH I'd have something ready for him, BUT, he will happily eat whatever I've made for myself, so I'd just have done a big curry, stew, or a load of pasta sauce and he'd just have to heat something up. Plus, I know if the situation were reversed he'd ask me what I wanted at some point in the preceding 24 hours and I'd either tell him, or say I'd sort something out for myself.

In your situation, with you DH being picky, I'd leave the final prep to him. So long as there is stuff that can be heated up fairly quickly with minimum effort, the rest is up to him. And fuck cooking 4 different meals in one evening.

You ask him what he wants for dinner?
< faints >

I agree on the nights he’s late home then why don’t you cook the kids a meal you know he also likes? I don’t understand ‘kiddy food and adult food’ even if doing something like curry I would make it mild and then adults would add the spice/heat afterwards either after kids portions had been served up
Or at the table. Even when toddlers I would just add some more yoghurt etc to kids portions. Likewise it wouldn’t kill us adults to have fishfongers once in a while with beans and waffles! We won’t shrivel up and become babies!

my DH is a shift worker. Yesterday he got called in late on whilst off shift. I noticed this morning he had eaten a curry out of the freezer when he got home in the middle of the night. Just freeze extra portions of food when you/husband cook meals and add some frozen ready meals on your shopping order (who ever does the shopping). Keep life simple and stress free. No one wants to cook when they get home late.

Your DH seems very fussy for someone who doesn't cook.

Food fussiness is fine if you feed yourself but expecting someone to come up with ideas for you and then cook them seems rather selfish.

All this business about asking him what he’s going to want to eat days before the late shift - really? If someone asked me what I’d like to eat in 4 days, I would think this is a bit much tbh.

So how is food supposed to appear in the house? A weekly shop is not exactly an anomalous concept, unless the OP is expected to shop every day to facilitate her husband's unwillingness to even take a guess at a couple of meals that he might fancy after a late shift?

I've been trying to find one YouTube video but there are so many, if anyone is bored, have a look at what twin toddlers get up to when you leave them alone for 5 mins . They're all very accurate. I have probably gotten into some very set routines by now with them, there's possibly more room for flexibility now than I give things credit for. Maybe over the next few weeks I'll learn to be able to prepare a bigger meal while DC are safe somehow, right now for me it's just an anxiety fuelled nightmare even running to the loo.

He is a grown adult and is perfectly capable of sorting out his own dinner (and should have expected to given that he did not respond to your "what will you do about dinner after a late shift? enquiries).

I like @TheABC's suggestions. Draw up a meal plan together, that way you can anticipate when he'll be working late and he can understand that cooked dinners do not magicaly appear with 0 effort.

Also, it might cut down on your cooking efforts if you can agree on "crossover" meals that both he and the kids will eat.

YANBU because you asked what he wanted to do about dinner and he didn't answer. You didn't go out of your way not to feed him, there just wasn't a dinner prepared that specific night. If he expects you to just appear like a bountiful, provider mother-figure, then he needs to a) let you know that he'd very much like x when he gets in and b) thank you accordingly.

Unless you're rich, takeaway is an expensive treat - and not very healthy. A really bad habit to get into, especially if late shifts are regular.

You can't read his mind. He needs to use his words and tell you what he's hoping for. You can then tell him if you're able to provide that, or something else.

Honestly, I'd keep it simple and positive. 'I can do x, y, z' (e.g. frozen portions, baked potato, make sure there are eggs for an omlette). Tell me in the morning if you want me to cook a potato, otherwise over to you.'

Nope. Arses to him if he didn't engage with you when you tried.

If the situation was flipped and you worked late or went out and came home late, would he have cooked for you?

@FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack

Your DH seems very fussy for someone who doesn't cook.

Food fussiness is fine if you feed yourself but expecting someone to come up with ideas for you and then cook them seems rather selfish.

That's very true