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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with DH's friend "helping" us

198 replies

anxietyaunt · 28/07/2020 06:21

We're doing some work on our house. We need some wiring done and as it happens one of DH's friends is a sparky. So he's agreed to do it in exchange for my husband (also a tradie) doing some work on one of his jobs. So it's an even tradeoff.

When he first came after after the agreement he told me how much it would cost for the "free" work he's doing on our place. I said we were very grateful and asked if it was part of the reciprocal agreement he had with my DH to which he replied it is. Thought that was the end of it.

However, every time I see this guy he's carrying on about how much he would have charged for the work he did. I cut him off last time and told him we'd just pay him for it then. So he says: "No, it's fine. DH will do some work for me."

But, it's never the end. I don't know what he wants exactly. Endless appreciation? I suggested we just pay him and that would be it. He stays for dinner (rather invites himself and I am left to scramble to fulfil his MASSIVE appetite). He's already had my husband for more hours of work than he spent here. The guy is doing my head in.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RiotAndAlarum · 28/07/2020 16:24

Maybe complaining about the cost of the food is petty. However, he's being petty petty himself, by causing you the inconveniences with the parking and so on.

YouokHun · 28/07/2020 16:31

@SecretLocker

Are you sure the 'smoke detector' isn't a spycam?! (Half joking)
Glad I’m not the only one who went straight to this thought after reading about the unasked for fitting of a smoke detector!
forrestgreen · 28/07/2020 16:42

If the job was just moving socket boxes then that's a few hours work

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/07/2020 16:47

I would be checking the smoke alarm for cameras

It does sound like he is bugging himself up so you will fall for him.

I must admit he does sound like a weirdo and I wouldn’t trust him in the house.

Surely it is cheaper to get an electrician in to do those type of jobs and get them done in one day.
All this swapping favours, meals and wines etc is costing you more.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/07/2020 16:48

Bigging himself up

hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2020 16:50

OMG - I don't how you are coping with this crap.
He was tired at 11am!!
Blood sparkies - they are all the same!
(My narc, porn addicted, cheating ex was one, so I speak from experience!)

YouokHun · 28/07/2020 17:18

@Oliversmumsarmy

Bigging himself up
Bugging himself up or bigging himself up or both?
HannaYeah · 28/07/2020 17:25

@jessstan2

*HannahYea - "About how hiring someone would be cheaper than having an extra mouth to feed." .... No it wouldn't and, honestly, you just don't talk about a bit of food you give to someone. I'd be more concerned about him hanging about of an evening, not giving us enough time to ourselves, but wouldn't care about the food.
@jessstan2 this guy has been over constantly and OP said he eats huge amounts. Having a few switches moved is not an expensive endeavor.
billy1966 · 28/07/2020 17:27

This guy sounds like he's costing ye! Its not that expensive to have a few switches put in.

Check that detector.

LoafingLiz · 28/07/2020 17:35

He's like a fly around shit. Why is he stringing the job out?

I would stay out of the house every day until he's left.
He'll soon get bored. Nobody to show off to .
Tell DH you won't be around while knobhead is.

Itisbetter · 28/07/2020 17:39

Get your friends round to freeze him out

FrancoBranco · 28/07/2020 18:04

Did you send him away with a flea in his ear @anxietyaunt ?

HannaYeah · 28/07/2020 18:18

@RiotAndAlarum

Maybe complaining about the cost of the food is petty. However, he's being petty petty himself, by causing you the inconveniences with the parking and so on.
Yeah, totally. I just would not want to let him keep acting like he’s owed.
DressingGownofDoom · 28/07/2020 20:04

OP I think you have a dose of the sniffles coming on. Probably just a cold, but best if you don't have visitors for a couple of weeks.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 28/07/2020 20:29

Not quite the same....but several years ago i ordered a tipper truck full of gravel for my driveway.....the guy arrived and tipped it onto my drive and he spent ages telling me what a great deal he'd given us....how his shingle was top quality and there was a bit more than we'd ordered....i must have said 'thanks' or 'thank you' 600 times and he went on and on and on....it really put me off ordering from him again....

MysteryParcels · 29/07/2020 08:39

@DressingGownofDoom not only does that sound like it might be coronavirus, it might also be.... MANFLU!! Shock

Tl:dr you're going to be in bed and they're going to bring you a meal/drinks/snacks/the remote for the telly.

Tappering · 29/07/2020 09:15

The builder who did our kitchen had a fragile ego like this. I work from home under normal circumstances anyway, and it got to the stage where he was tapping on my office door multiple times a day, asking to check something. When I got to the kitchen, it transpired that the sole purpose of interrupting me was so that I could admire his workmanship.

Every time he did something, he needed me (or DH if he was home) to congratulate him and agree that yes, it was an amazing job, and no, nobody else would have managed it etc.

I finally cracked and explained that unless it was a genuine emergency, he needed to pretend that I wasn't there because I did not have time to keep admiring his work. It didn't really register, but fortunately my office is at the end of a long corridor, so I could hear him walking towards it, which would give me enough time to grab my phone and pretend to be talking by the time he poked his head round the door. It took a few goes but eventually he gave up interrupting me. I then got very sarky comments about my 'high powered job'. At this point I'd run out of patience and simply told him that my 'high powered job' was 100% responsible for paying his bill, so it was very much in his interests to see that I was able to work. After that he sulked through the rest of the build and then departed in a huff.

Original poster
anxietyaunt · 29/07/2020 09:26

Right, so just to clear things up we’re in Australia which is why we were having dinner in the morning for those MNers in the other hemisphere.

When I was told he wanted to go home because he was tired my face said it all. I thought about dragging dinner on but really just wanted him out of my house so reheated the leftovers and served them. He got 99% rice and 1% curry Smile

By the time I sat down to eat he had almost finished his white mountain (obviously didn’t wait). Apparently he was tired because he had been up late the night before working on another friend’s house. He paused for applause but instead got the glazed look. And silence. The guy was manspreading on my couch like a glummond. It was pathetic. Guess he’d got his fill of everything he could and then left. I didn’t get up, just yelled goodbye.

As for the puddle on the floor, I’m not sure it was him/my son/a leak (out place is falling apart). But hearing this is a thing tradies so is a shock. I’d never heard of that before! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
anxietyaunt · 29/07/2020 09:26

*our place

OP posts:
Colom · 29/07/2020 09:59

My DH works in construction, we built a new house and had endless tradies around, including many of his "friends". I was so ridiculously obliging at first, what with making food and endless cups of tea etc. STOP doing this OP! After a few weeks I actually felt degraded, like a skivvy and a stupid little woman. They completely took the piss but it was a good lesson in feminism.

I now never, ever make food for any workmen. As a courtesy to DH and because I do the food shop generally, I'll make sure the fridge is stocked but that's the extend of my involvement. I usually take the DC out if there's work going on all day but even if I don't and I'm sitting in the kitchen when they come in for a break I won't get up. DH also works alongside them and he comes in and sorts their food out and makes them clean up after themselves (before this they'd always leave the mess for the little woman to clean Angry)

My point is just stop playing to gender stereotypes because this fella sounds like a sexist twat puffed up on testosterone and loving being the big man. Ughhh

Original poster
anxietyaunt · 29/07/2020 12:28

@Colom

My DH works in construction, we built a new house and had endless tradies around, including many of his "friends". I was so ridiculously obliging at first, what with making food and endless cups of tea etc. STOP doing this OP! After a few weeks I actually felt degraded, like a skivvy and a stupid little woman. They completely took the piss but it was a good lesson in feminism.

I now never, ever make food for any workmen. As a courtesy to DH and because I do the food shop generally, I'll make sure the fridge is stocked but that's the extend of my involvement. I usually take the DC out if there's work going on all day but even if I don't and I'm sitting in the kitchen when they come in for a break I won't get up. DH also works alongside them and he comes in and sorts their food out and makes them clean up after themselves (before this they'd always leave the mess for the little woman to clean Angry)

My point is just stop playing to gender stereotypes because this fella sounds like a sexist twat puffed up on testosterone and loving being the big man. Ughhh

This actually reminds me of a situation I was in years ago when we lived elsewhere pre-marriage. Had totally forgotten about it. DH had a guy over to help him do stuff in the yard. It was a big job and took a number of days. At that time I was WFH a huge number of hours while studying for my masters.

At some point he asked what they could have for lunch. I stopped working/studying and made some sandwiches quickly. He looked disappointed and said most workmen would expect a three-course meal (which is a normal lunch in his country which is where we were then). I shut that one down very quickly and he was in charge of feeding that guy from then on.

No idea how this one got away from me...

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 29/07/2020 12:34

Anxietyaunt, have you decided what to do about stopping him coming round, has he been told a day he must be finished by? I think he has just about got the hint that you’re not going to put up with him any more, but I’d make sure his departure was final and he wasn’t to come round without DH there, and no, he would not be getting food.

And get the heat detector checked independently if you are suspicious over why it was fitted, or even if it was fitted correctly.

wibdib · 29/07/2020 13:14

Another vote for checking the smoke alarm isn’t a spy cam. I’d also probably check all the others because I’d be paranoid after what you’ve said about him.

I would use the smoke alarm to challenge his competency - having checked it’s a smoke alarm rather than a heat alarm - and ask him when he’s going to either remove it or put in a proper kitchen-friendly heat alarm. And that his lack of ability to follow simple instructions about parking or wine, and low level of care leaving rubbish around, poor hygiene and constantly moaning like a bored kid makes you wonder if he is capable of doing the work that is needed as he is not inspiring confidence in you at the moment that he is worth all the hours that he is claiming this job needs doing.

I would also start buying meals that are definitely for two that can’t easily be split and say in advance that you can’t offer him food tonight as you as you and dh are having date night special at home just the two of you so he will need to have an efficient day in order to finish in good time so you can enjoy your evening together without him. And then repeat at least 3 nights a week if he is around so that it is obvious that he is not invited and not wanted whereas your dh is.

User43210 · 29/07/2020 14:51

@SecretLocker

Are you sure the 'smoke detector' isn't a spycam?! (Half joking)
@anxietyaunt this is exactly what I was going to post when I finished the thread (if I didn't see it already) I know I watch too many shows, but it can't help to check, he sounds like the sort of creep.

Also, when he mentions how much you should also mention that you wouldn't be paying a sparky who shows up for an hour a day when he's scheduled for many, and that if you were paying someone competent then they would have finished months ago. Also that he isn't there for your pleasure and actually he is a massive hindrance to your life so if he wants to keep complaining, why not just get on and do the job a first-year apprentice could have finished in half the time.

Also a vote for not feeding him a single bite more. And pulling him up, I would be going straight downstairs and saying to DH and his friends "whichever of you has worse aim than a 3yo on the toilet, go clean your own piss because it's disgusting. and it never happens when 'sparky' isn't here" then they can fight it out between themselves if they have to.

User43210 · 29/07/2020 15:07

@anxietyaunt another thought - have you googled him/his company to check the reviews, because he sounds awful (and quite like some workmen we had at our house when I was younger who really overstayed - a family member, who was able to be quite intimidating compared to my sweet mother, came round and told them to finish up that day/week and not come back)

Also to the people saying not to mention food as it's crass etc. this is wrong, as he is inviting himself, therefore it's certainly okay to mention that he is costing in food, as she is not offering, he is forcing himself in, therefore should be added to the bill on top of husband's work.

If you end up paying him, make sure you know the actual hours he worked as there may have been times you were out and he worked 30 mins, claiming 4 hours. Or just get a quote from an electrician and say "I owe you nothing more than this (minus DH work and food)"