To be fed up with DH's friend "helping" us

[anxietyaunt]

We're doing some work on our house. We need some wiring done and as it happens one of DH's friends is a sparky. So he's agreed to do it in exchange for my husband (also a tradie) doing some work on one of his jobs. So it's an even tradeoff.

When he first came after after the agreement he told me how much it would cost for the "free" work he's doing on our place. I said we were very grateful and asked if it was part of the reciprocal agreement he had with my DH to which he replied it is. Thought that was the end of it.

However, every time I see this guy he's carrying on about how much he would have charged for the work he did. I cut him off last time and told him we'd just pay him for it then. So he says: "No, it's fine. DH will do some work for me."

But, it's never the end. I don't know what he wants exactly. Endless appreciation? I suggested we just pay him and that would be it. He stays for dinner (rather invites himself and I am left to scramble to fulfil his MASSIVE appetite). He's already had my husband for more hours of work than he spent here. The guy is doing my head in.

AIBU?

He sounds bloody horrid.

Yeah, ok, if the work isn't really getting done then you need to deal with it, but the thing with prats like this is that they can be really unpleasant to deal with so I tend to just try not to engage. Note: this doesn't mean I condone this kind of behaviour, just that I don't always have the energy to educate every self absorbed misogynistic pillock I meet. Good luck!

Can you park perpendicular to him, parallel to the road so he's blocked in?

I'd be blunt and tell him (and DH):
NO you will NOT be feeding him again;
He is not to park on or across your drive;
He has 1 more week to complete the work before you tell him to sling it;

This is basically a fable to demonstrate why money was invented.

Firstly I think you should tell us all exactly what skill your dh swapped and if both their usual charge is comparative.
Lesson learnt, it seems you have paid your dues including becoming a restaurant. It sounds as if he has latched on to you both and lacks social awareness. Time to close the restaurant.

"Do you have a problem parking your car? You block me in on my drive, today you've parked on the drive but just badly enough that I can't get on there? Please park on the road!"

"Dear dh, I appreciate x is your friend but I've reached breaking point. I'd like to be able to park on my drive and be able to get off without being blocked in. I'm sick of his constant reminders about how grateful I should be for his very slowly progressing work here. I'm no longer prepared to cook for him, so feel free to send him home. If you want to see him please make arrangements to do this away from the house"

I would give this man child zero attention.
Whatever his motives he sounds like a petty lazy twat. Best avoided.

How does the dinner happen? Does he just hang around until dinner time?

@Eddielzzard

Can you park perpendicular to him, parallel to the road so he's blocked in?

I very nearly did this and then I realised it made me look like even more of a tit than him.

So a lot of the time he is working alone at your house OP, with just you and your toddler? So a lot of what he says goes unwitnessed. Do you feel safe in these situations? Is he actually working 90% of the time he’s there or does he spend a lot of time faffing, drinking tea, chatting? Do you suspect he’s stringing out the work so that he can keep coming back/charge more/ have more dinners cooked for him?

I think you need to tell your DH straight if you have any suspicions, and make a plan to present to ‘friend’ together, as others have said, so that all three of you are on the same page regarding what is owed, and do include all the free meals he’s had on your ‘invoice’. Also agree a finish date for each job so that he can’t keep dragging DH back to his to do any extra bits and pieces, and the same for you where he doesn’t have to keep popping back. He is taking the piss and is pretty arrogant actually.

@crimsonlake

Firstly I think you should tell us all exactly what skill your dh swapped and if both their usual charge is comparative. Lesson learnt, it seems you have paid your dues including becoming a restaurant. It sounds as if he has latched on to you both and lacks social awareness. Time to close the restaurant.

I didn’t want to give too many details but it’s probably too late now anyway. DH is a painter.

@Sexnotgender

How does the dinner happen? Does he just hang around until dinner time?

Yep

I’m off to face the music.

Where’s the [pompoms] emoticon?

I just remembered another thing. We have smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. I replace the batteries every year. I came home one day to find he had installed one in the kitchen. Strangely there wasn’t one there already, so I wasn’t bothered. But he also carried on about that. Saying his installation could save our lives and we should be grateful now he had made life safer for us.

Aside from everything else, why is it always up to you to cook for your DH’s friend? I think I’d go out for the evening and leave them to it.

This happens because you let it happen. Just say to your husband that you are not cooking tonight so he will have to do it. Take yourself off to bed with a headache. If you keep on pandering to the guy he (and your DH) will keep doing it.

@Cattenberg

Aside from everything else, why is it always up to you to cook for your DH’s friend? I think I’d go out for the evening and leave them to it.

Because they’re both working on the room together.

What electrical work is he doing op? In my experience electricians cost way more than painters, two to three time’s the cost in fact, so your husband would have to spend that amount of time to make it equal, so he may indeed have a point that the work being requested and given in return is not comparable

You sure OP he's not after YOU on the sly?..

Yeah, and....
They can knock out beans on toast

Please tell me he didn't drive home after polishing off that bottle of wine he'd brought!

"I just remembered another thing. We have smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. I replace the batteries every year. I came home one day to find he had installed one in the kitchen. Strangely there wasn’t one there already, so I wasn’t bothered."

You shouldn't have smoke detectors in a kitchen. They'd go off constantly and then it leads to complacency when the alarms go off for real. You can fit heat detectors, though.

I think I’d still go out and leave them to it. If DH wants his friend to stay for dinner, he can cook for him after he’s finished work. Many adults have to cook their own evening meals after coming home from work, and your DH doesn’t even have the bother of coming home! Besides, you’re allowed a social life away from the house.

Just tell DH that you wouldn’t try and stop him seeing his friend, but you don’t like him and have pandered to him more than enough. I bet DH will soon get bored with hosting his own friend.

@Lougle

"I just remembered another thing. We have smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. I replace the batteries every year. I came home one day to find he had installed one in the kitchen. Strangely there wasn’t one there already, so I wasn’t bothered."

You shouldn't have smoke detectors in a kitchen. They'd go off constantly and then it leads to complacency when the alarms go off for real. You can fit heat detectors, though.

That makes sense. Surely he should know this though...