To be fed up with DH's friend "helping" us

[anxietyaunt]

We're doing some work on our house. We need some wiring done and as it happens one of DH's friends is a sparky. So he's agreed to do it in exchange for my husband (also a tradie) doing some work on one of his jobs. So it's an even tradeoff.

When he first came after after the agreement he told me how much it would cost for the "free" work he's doing on our place. I said we were very grateful and asked if it was part of the reciprocal agreement he had with my DH to which he replied it is. Thought that was the end of it.

However, every time I see this guy he's carrying on about how much he would have charged for the work he did. I cut him off last time and told him we'd just pay him for it then. So he says: "No, it's fine. DH will do some work for me."

But, it's never the end. I don't know what he wants exactly. Endless appreciation? I suggested we just pay him and that would be it. He stays for dinner (rather invites himself and I am left to scramble to fulfil his MASSIVE appetite). He's already had my husband for more hours of work than he spent here. The guy is doing my head in.

AIBU?

anxietyaunt Tue 28-Jul-20 10:23:29
Sexnotgender

How does the dinner happen? Does he just hang around until dinner time?

Yep
.........
Tell him you're going out at such and such a time, or having visitors, then "Goodbye, see you later".

You really do have to be straightforward with this man, he is so thick skinned he doesn't take hints. When you see he has parked in an obstructive way, tell him immediately to move his car. Ask him how much longer the work is going to take and let him know he is embarrassing himself by referring to 'cost' when he and your husband had an agreement.

The dinner thing is more difficult. You could lie as I suggested in my first paragraph but I daresay that doesn't sit well; it wouldn't with me. It's just easier than saying, "You really can't expect to eat here every time you come round, it isn't always convenient". I couldn't see myself saying that somehow (but then I always fed people, stretched the intended meal somehow and didn't mind).

Also agree that he may be after you .At any rate he sounds a complete twat and is obviously trying to do the Alpha thing with you both!

At least of he's tired and going home he won't want feeding later.

I love all the assertive advice. MN at it's best

Surely he's nearly done. Why is it taking him so long to move a few switches? I'd be worried he's not doing the best job as an excuse to need to come back and be the saviour who fixes it too....

He sounds like an absolute arse. Why on earth is your Dh friends with him?

@howfarwevecome

He sounds like an absolute arse. Why on earth is your Dh friends with him?

No idea. I like 90% of DH friends. This dick is part of the 10% I can’t stand to be in the same room as. I can’t imagine what they have to talk about. He’s boring AF. Horrific hygiene. shudder

Get your DH to tell him thanks for the work and you're leaving it now and don't need him any more.

Simple as that.

This is weird. I'm sure replacing/moving switches is not that big a job for ONE room. This sounds like something that should have been achieved in two visits (first visit to establish what was needed; second to do the work).

He is using the situation for company and because he is enjoying the feeling that you owe him.

I had a friend like this who actually kept inventing jobs that 'needed' doing. He came over to fix a small thing in the bathroom and before I know it I ended up with a new bath and a new toilet that really weren't necessary and him spending far more time at my house than I wanted him to. It may have been harmless and he just wanted company in a platonic social manner or maybe he wanted more but, anyway, he was using the jobs to make me feel like I owed him dinner/company/whatever.

I ended up being rude and cutting him off completely. You have less room to do that as he's your DH's friend but tell him you want him to finish the job today. Anything that isn't finished you'll pay another electrician to do as you do not want him here for dinner again.

I've had similar with men that my DH works with. They will do tiny bits for us and expect huge things in exchange ( in our case my DH hourly rate is almost double theirs)
And they almost expected to be treated like heros by myself.
Drew the line when one of then showed up completely uninvited to my daughters birthday banquet ( it was just for our families) with 3 of his children in tow.
I fed them all because I wouldn't turn kids away but as he was leaving told him I needed a word and told him in no uncertain terms he was out of order.

Cf did the same in some form to everyone, even took his kids to a friends wedding unexpectedly when he had clearly said the children couldn't come.
This guy thought he was gods gift to women ( he really isn't and could do with getting better acquainted to a shower) and im sure he loved being around his friends Mrs when they weren't there to try wind them up. He made myself and others uncomfortable on several occasions.

The toilet thing, is an actual thing isn't it?

Don't some tradesmen post photos online where the piss all over customers floors? (I read this on Mumsnet!)

Its marking their terrority, some weird power thing.

Is there a beach near you or Tesco open til 22.00pm?

Take DS out when he arrives, push him round Tesco and look at clothes & toys etc.

I know you shouldnt have to, but he can't play his strange game if you are not there.

@Walkaround

He’s clearly a sexist moron with a fragile ego getting off on aggravating a woman to get his own back for the fact women can’t stand the tiresome twerp.

I think @Walkaround has it right and something you mentioned too OP: It’s a bit of power play; blocking you in and over-riding you, crossing your boundaries; it shows a level of disdain (or possibly just total tone deafness). Either way you’re going to have to throw your toys out of the pram to your DH and tell him some strict times this man can come round, when he needs to leave and where he has to park. And make sure your DH says “I want the work to happen at this time, finished by such and such a date and please park on the road so *@anxietyaunt can get at her car” and not “sorry mate but @anxietyaunt*’s wants you to...”.

He loves the power he has “over” you he’s totally lording it about. I’d just say no more work or just pay him it would probably annoying him more if you paid him

you need to get dh on board.

Why the fuck haven't you stood up for yourself properly yet???

"Pete, I'm fed up of you parking like an inconsiderate arsehole, GO AND MOVE YOUR VAN RIGHT NOW"

"Did you bring a bottle of red this time? Off you fuck to the shop then, you've got 5 minutes before dinner is served, but if you're not back by then I'll leave it in the oven for when you get back."

"Oh you brought white not red. Be a dear and go swap it, I did tell you its red not white thanks."

How big is this sodding room and how many electrical fixtures does it have???

"What do you mean where's dinner? It'll be served when Pete stops taking the piss and finishes his job.

"GIRLS NIGHT OFF TONIGHT LADS, THERE'S PIZZA IN THE FRIDGE, I'M OFF FOR A BATH AND SOME ME TIME, CIAO!!!"

We don't confront the issue because, well, I guess neither of us has the guts to.

People can be sooo weird and so invasive.

But they can only get away with it with people who let them. Why do you not stand up for yourself?

"Friend, I don't know why you block my driveway when you go to the park but please don't do that again. There's plenty of available and free parking at the park, use that."

@anxietyaunt

He just asked my husband how much longer it’s going to be as he’s tired and wants to go home

I trust you intervened and told him "You've finished, Luv. You can go now and don't bother coming back, you twat if you want."

He is doing all these things deliberately, including putting a smoke detector in your kitchen without asking. Kitchens are regularly filled with low levels of smoke from cooking, he has put it there to annoy you, unless he has put in a specific type designed for kitchen use.

Are you sure the 'smoke detector' isn't a spycam?! (Half joking)

And the parking thing almost feels like he’s pissing on my doorstep. In fact he leaves the toilet seat up and there was a bit of a puddle next to it when I came home. Could have been my son, but though he’s a toddler he still behaves better than this twat so I’m guessing it was said twat.

Get this, just as I was walking in I saw rubbish in the planter box my son and I put together and planted strawberries in. Not a huge amount. Couple of lolly wrappers. It was not there before I left. Asked my husband who said it must have been Sparky as he had given him the sweets. Who does that!
Bleurgh!! He's a bit of a hog this "person". Why in heavens name is your DH associated so closely with him?

You're going to need to get a proper, competent, electrician in to remove the smoke detector from the kitchen.

It should be a heat detector.

I would be very concerned that if he doesn't know this, then what else has he done that is incorrect? Is he providing you with an electrical installation certificate showing compliance with Part P of the Building Regs when he's finished?

I wondered that. Would it be worth DH asking a few of his other trades people contacts if anything is ‘known’ about the bloke? Like if he’s been unprofessional in any way at other jobs, had any less than good reviews, or they wouldn’t work with him unless there was no alternative?

How many hours will your DH have to work to offset the work, make up for the hours he's worked to offset the work, and make money to feed this person?

Tell your husband you as a family can't afford this mate's "rates". If the argument "keep it in the family" (quoted upthread) works on him, try "keeping it in your family"?

I’d probably start making comments back to him:

About how hiring someone would be cheaper than having an extra mouth to feed.

About how based on how often he blocks your driveway and the going rate for parking spaces, “you probably owe us now.”

I think this guy has the hots for you. I’d tell my husband to get him gone, you aren’t feeding him any more.

"Free" work can often end up costing more than you expected

Stress costs too

*HannahYea - "About how hiring someone would be cheaper than having an extra mouth to feed."
....
No it wouldn't and, honestly, you just don't talk about a bit of food you give to someone. I'd be more concerned about him hanging about of an evening, not giving us enough time to ourselves, but wouldn't care about the food.