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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with DH's friend "helping" us

198 replies

anxietyaunt · 28/07/2020 06:21

We're doing some work on our house. We need some wiring done and as it happens one of DH's friends is a sparky. So he's agreed to do it in exchange for my husband (also a tradie) doing some work on one of his jobs. So it's an even tradeoff.

When he first came after after the agreement he told me how much it would cost for the "free" work he's doing on our place. I said we were very grateful and asked if it was part of the reciprocal agreement he had with my DH to which he replied it is. Thought that was the end of it.

However, every time I see this guy he's carrying on about how much he would have charged for the work he did. I cut him off last time and told him we'd just pay him for it then. So he says: "No, it's fine. DH will do some work for me."

But, it's never the end. I don't know what he wants exactly. Endless appreciation? I suggested we just pay him and that would be it. He stays for dinner (rather invites himself and I am left to scramble to fulfil his MASSIVE appetite). He's already had my husband for more hours of work than he spent here. The guy is doing my head in.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JRUIN · 28/07/2020 07:53

That would do my bloody nut in. Sack him off and hire an electrician who will just do the job and go home.

Original poster
anxietyaunt · 28/07/2020 07:53

@Icepinkeskimo

I would just change the subject OP, if he starts bleating on.

Alas electricians are the highest paid 'trades' and it is common knowledge on any large construction site they will keep reminding you of this fact.

You could try and give him my glazed eye looks the next time he's prattling on and then yawn...it shuts them up and then shrug your shoulders. Wink

Trust me I have perfected this "am I bothered, you are boring" technique over the years. It stops them dead in their tracks, and I don't have to even say a word.

I didn’t know that about sparkies. He’s not much of a bright spark though (see what I did there) so I probably have that glazed look already. I might see your yawn and shrug and up the ante with a “meh”.
OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 28/07/2020 07:56

He's being cheeky bringing it up but guess it depends on relative values of trades both of them do so their hours may not be directly comparable if he can generally charge three times what your DH can, for example.

But if that's the case and he feels aggrieved on that he should just stop the work he's doing rather than going on about it.

Flamingolingo · 28/07/2020 07:59

Honestly, I’d just suck it up and get the work done. If he’s done part of the work you’re going to find it hard to find another electrician to take on someone else’s work. Just smile and nod, and then walk off. Be breezy, polite but a bit distant.

Clearly he’s a tool, and YANBU, but just disengage from the situation. If he brings up money just do a tinkly laugh and say that it’s between him and your DH, or say ‘oh gosh aren’t we lucky to have you’. This is one of those situations where I would play the dim woman role and let them get on with it.

The dinner stuff is crazy though - is he single and lonely/bored because of lockdown?

Fatted · 28/07/2020 08:02

I'm probably reading too much into this, but if he isn't mentioning it when DH is there, he keeps inviting himself to dinner and he's a bit of an arse in general, are you sure he's not doing it as a way of trying to get sexual favours in return?

Next time he mentions it say I'm glad you brought that up because such and such isn't working, I think the work is substandard and we'll be getting a professional in next time.

Flamingolingo · 28/07/2020 08:03

And yes, it would be helpful to know what trade your DH is. As @Icepinkeskimo says, there is a hierarchy, with electricians and gas safe engineers at the top of the tree (fwiw, our heating engineer costs almost double what our general builder charges, our sparky somewhere between but I think he could charge more actually). Electricians have been the most arrogant and least helpful of all the trades we have had in though, and this is especially true of the ones who have been mostly doing large site work - they are expensive so they are paid to come in and do the work, someone else clears up after them. I’ve had a couple of arguments with them about this.

So it could be that in hours terms your DH would normally do more hours for a similar value. Though really good friends probably wouldn’t look so closely at the value.

Waveysnail · 28/07/2020 08:10

My dads a gas fitter and he says most sparks are up their arses lol (he manages a multi team)

jessstan2 · 28/07/2020 08:12

@JRUIN

That would do my bloody nut in. Sack him off and hire an electrician who will just do the job and go home.
JRUN: I think the whole point of the arrangement is to save money. The op even talks about giving the electrician a meal so I doubt could afford to pay anyone. .....

IanxietyauntI really do think you have to speak plainly to this man, asking him precisely what he means and quoting what he said about it being a reciprocal arrangement. If he continues to say it is a reciprocal arrangement then tell him straight that it is in bad taste to go on about what it costs (as it would be if you mentioned giving him dinner).

Does the man have a wife or partner? I get the impression he doesn't. It is often a woman who removes a man's rough edges and this guy definitely has some.

However, being straightforward in conversation is important at all times, particularly on this issue.

Deathraystare · 28/07/2020 08:12

If you would rather not be arsey then just flap your hands pathetically and ask him to talk to your husband - after all what you do you know about mens' work?!

Lurchermom · 28/07/2020 08:14

@Fatted

I'm probably reading too much into this, but if he isn't mentioning it when DH is there, he keeps inviting himself to dinner and he's a bit of an arse in general, are you sure he's not doing it as a way of trying to get sexual favours in return?

Next time he mentions it say I'm glad you brought that up because such and such isn't working, I think the work is substandard and we'll be getting a professional in next time.

I wondered this!
thepeopleversuswork · 28/07/2020 08:20

Is it not just that he’s a really boring bloke who doesn’t understand this is a fantastically dull conversation?

Sexnotgender · 28/07/2020 08:22

I'm probably reading too much into this, but if he isn't mentioning it when DH is there, he keeps inviting himself to dinner and he's a bit of an arse in general, are you sure he's not doing it as a way of trying to get sexual favours in return?

Oh gross!!

I’d bring it up at dinner. Say, DH, Pete keeps telling me how much the work he’s done is costing. Can you guys sort it out now please so we’re square?

Nighttown · 28/07/2020 08:25

Look him directly in the eye and say, very clearly, 'X, just what is it you want from us by continually telling us how much this work would cost? If you're not happy with the arrangement, please discuss it with DH. If you're OK with it, could you please change the record?'

Original poster
anxietyaunt · 28/07/2020 08:29

Envy That didn’t even occur to me. Envy

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 28/07/2020 08:30

Next time he says it say - you know what you’re right. I was chatting to dh about it yesterday. (Get a piece of paper and pen ready in your hand) He reckons he has done X hours in your place and he normally charges £y for that but would have probably done it for mates rates of £z. So lets work it out and we can have a better chat when dh is here.
So you have done how much work for us .......?

Original poster
anxietyaunt · 28/07/2020 08:31

@Flamingolingo He’s very single. Doesn’t have too many friends either. Wonder why...

OP posts:
Spandang · 28/07/2020 08:37

My first thought was similar to @Fatted. Not sexual favours but like he wants your attention, your gratitude, your cooking, and to remind you how much he’s doing for you.

I mean, if he parks across the drive you have to stop him to get him to move your car. That’s akin to things my youngest would do to get attention Grin

Modestandatinybitsexy · 28/07/2020 08:38

He sounds like an arse. Definitely figure out a way to call him out at the dinner table.

If he's saying this when your DH isn't there then it feels like a power play for some reason. Or he knows DH wouldn't stand for it.

Actually do it just before dinner d SF o if it goes badly you don't have to feed him!

MysteryParcels · 28/07/2020 08:39

Have a world with your husband - it sounds be him having some boundaries in the first place. He needs to sort out what's a fair exchange of labour and should have done at the start and when his side of the bargain will be fulfilled, or it sounds like it could drag on and on.

I like many of the suggestions here for how you should deal with him when he's saying the same shit again directly to you. I think you can be 100 x coarser with tradespeople than other folk and still not cause offence, so i like the blunt reply suggestions. Or joking call him out as soon as you greet him. "Awwww here's dave for dinner, come on dave come and have a Michelin star dinner on the house, we're saving you a bloody fortune isn't that right dave!!!" And if he falls for it and replies with how much he's saving you then laugh hysterically and say to your husband "see Steve i told you!!" And walk away still laughing and pointing to down a large glass of wine leaving the two of them to it. Also if he starts his usual when your H is out of the room later is just give him a deadpan look and leave the room.

Newkitchen123 · 28/07/2020 08:39

Next time he's coming for food ask him to pick up take away on the way so he's paying for it

sillysmiles · 28/07/2020 08:41

Why are you letting it get to you? You can just accept that's what he's like and move on and ignore it. When he brings it up again nod and move on and don't give it head space.

BurtsBeesKnees · 28/07/2020 08:42

Haha well, you’ve cost us more than that in Pete’s hours and those massive dinners so that’s it now we’re even! I’ll stand you a cup of tea tops you cheeky sod!!!” Laugh it out, be really just as bolshy.

This!

ClaryFairchild · 28/07/2020 08:43

Reply options:

"And? You want a medal for it?"

"And how much would DH's work at your place cost you? About the same or even more than that?"

"Why exactly are you telling me this again?"

He has no social skills, and doesn't understand subtlety. You will need to be blunt.

Oh and next time he comes over dinner ask him to bring some wine with him.

Original poster
anxietyaunt · 28/07/2020 08:45

@Modestandatinybitsexy

He sounds like an arse. Definitely figure out a way to call him out at the dinner table.

If he's saying this when your DH isn't there then it feels like a power play for some reason. Or he knows DH wouldn't stand for it.

Actually do it just before dinner d SF o if it goes badly you don't have to feed him!

I feel he is making power plays. The whole parking thing in particular. Why should I have to tell him every single time to park on the road? Men and their bloody cars. This happened to me a long time back with a former partner’s father who parked me out of my own driveway and took offence to me asking him not to.
OP posts:
Itisbetter · 28/07/2020 08:45

Park on the road if he’s coming to do work so you can get in and out. To be honest I think that’s common courtesy.

Ask him how much more work your dh needs to do for him for it to be “even” next time he mentions costs etc. Then just say you’ll have a word with dh about it. Better to address the real issue than endlessly provide food etc.