To feel sad that no one has ever been really in love with me

[SnakesOrLadders]

I’m late 30’s.
Had a few non serious boyfriends I was usually chasing them not the other way around.
My husband I met at 20 and he loves me but I had to give him an ultimatum to propose after we’d been together for several years. We are like brother and sister now we get along great but no romance none at all.
I’ve never ever had any romance and never will now.
I feel sad I’ve never experienced someone being completely in love with me or needing me in my life.

Try to look at it slightly differently, you don't actually KNOW that no one has been ''in love'' with you.

You know that YOU haven't been ''in love'' (as you think of it), but it could easily be the case that YOU have been the ''one'' for someone else......

It could've been a work colleague who was too shy to even speak to you, or a ''friend'' in school who was head over heels for you, but you only saw them as a friend..............

Stop selling yourself short OP, but if you truly think your life is ''missing'' something, then it's up to YOU to fix it, isn't it ??

Don't get dragged along by the current of others lives, find your own path that makes you happy, reach your goals (what ARE your goals ? Do you even know ? MAKE some !!).

Do you really want to live the same day, every day, for the next 70 years and call it ''life''??

You dont have to sray with your partner, and there's no age limit on finding a happy relationship.

That said, I don't think romance (in the sense of how it is portrayed in films and books) is a part of many long term relationships. I love dp and I feel certain that he loves me, but our love is certainly a more comfortable sort of co-reliance and partnership than a romantic one.

No sex is a problem though. Is it an issue you can talk about? Is relationship counselling a possibility?

I’m not the type of person that people fall in love with anyway so even if my OH and I did separate I’d just be on my own. Day to day I’m not desperately unhappy, only when I compare my situation to others. But as I say, I could compare my situation the other way and I’m better off than many too. I can see that even from some of the replies on here.

I choose the wrong path in life to be quite honest and now I’m ‘reaping the rewards’ of my own stupidity.

I feel sad I’ve never experienced someone being completely in love with me or needing me in my life.

I've been stalked by someone who'd have said that (back when stalking wasn't an offence that was taken seriously).

And all too often, those romantic feelings disappear.

Unless you're happy with serial relationships in which that level of the attraction/feeling is the dominant feature - and not having a long-term partnership - then I think most other relationships are tottering along as a compromise although this isn't necessarily good for either party.

This thread is really sad.
I think part of the problem is that people think of the big romantic gestures as love.
When I think of my husband’s love for me I think about him buying me a mango when I said I had never had a fresh one, or him washing me when I was in hospital and too weak to wash myself. About how when he gets news, good or bad, his first thought is to tell me.
We have this romance novel idea of what love is and I think it can be damaging.

@TWAMSWIAO

Ahh OP I feel the same.

We are getting married this year and it was very much a ‘it’s probably about time isn’t it’ so I don’t even have a ring and we went to look at rings recently (I dragged him and he’s still not agreed to one) and it made me so sad and jealous seeing men there looking at rings to buy for the partner spontaneously and even one guy with his mum bless him. I’ll never have that, I was never good enough that someone did that. Even our wedding won’t be a misty eyed and lovey dovey wedding, it’s just a means to an end.

Sorry to wallow in my own self pity on your post. You’re not alone and I’m with you, it feels shit.

Why on earth would you want to get married In this scenario?

I really can’t imagine settling for someone who’ll ‘do’ rather than being on your own. Won’t that be incredibly lonely as the years roll by? Wouldn’t it be better to have amazing adventures or just a lovely quiet life on your own terms?

I’d far rather be on my own than in a ‘meh’ relationship. Some of the happiest years of my life have been when I’ve been single.

I don't think that's the problem here Jayne. Most people appreciate that the small gestures as you mention are really huge gesture of love. If you have those you have a lot. But feeling like you have never been really loved is something else and quite sad. I understand you perfectly op, I am in the same boat.

The op says he’s loves her though. It’s just she feels she’s never been romanced.

It’s not grand gestures though that make love, it’s the daily care and kindness. Don’t lose sight of what matters.

If you care about one another maybe you can build more into your lives? Do you ask for what you need? Do you ask him what he needs?

I think it’s why some people find such a lot of comfort in religion (I don’t, I’m not evangelicising!) the idea that you are loved universally. Dogs and cats can fill the need, a bit.

I know it’s a cliche, but you do need to love and value yourself. I hope you find it OP.

I do value myself that’s why I would have thought at one point during my life a man might have fallen in love with me

Yup same 35 never even had a bf. Well one but it wasn’t even 6 months. Sad I’ll never have kids, or a family etc

My Dh has love for me and is a good person so does do nice things like buy me things he thinks I might like from the shop or look after me when I’m ill. But he would do that for anyone.
He was desperate to meet someone and settle down when we met I could have been literally anyone of my friends and he would have done the same. He didn’t choose me I just fit the bill at the time.

@HOkieCOkie you could be a mother if you want to be. You don’t need to be with a man.

@SnakesOrLadders but why did you choose him?! If he would have settled for anyone, does that mean you would have, too?

You’re still so young! You really don’t need to settle for something that doesn’t make you happy.

I don’t disregard the importance of a respectful, solid relationship but your post just makes me so sad for you.

Feeling the same at the moment
He doesn't seem physically attracted to me either
Meh

@madcatladyforever

I'm really sorry OP and I know exactly how you feel. Nobody has ever loved me either, I have only ever been used. Only my cats really love me. I have put my all into my relationships and given all of myself and loved much but all I've ever had in return is being used or abused. I don't bother any more, I never chase and I live alone. I don't understand why, i'm not bad looking, I'm intelligent, have a great job, my own home, great friendsbut never found love. If someone could tell me why it would be life changing.

I think I must be your twin and even then, I think my current cat, though has high separation anxiety, only loves that I can open a tube of lik-e-lix! I’ve not had obvious abuse but I gave up 20 yrs ago. Nothing since. Unfortunately few friends. Don’t know why I can’t make any - I don’t know what it is about me that no-one cares enough to reciprocate my friendship but you just have to get on with it. Oh, gotta go, cat yowling for attention

@TWAMSWIAO

I've been in a similar position to you, though we didn't get as far as engagement. We were together for 7 years and I felt unfulfilled for most of it, and envious of friends whose partners clearly loved them. I told myself that our 'companionship' was normal and that romance was something you found in the movies and not real life. Looking back, that relationship messed up my self esteem in a major way.

It all came to a head because I wanted to get married and he wanted to continue coasting along. He didn't really love me and didn't want to commit to me, so he dumped me. I was devastated and felt so rejected, but it's obvious to me now that I didn't love him either. I had just become accustomed to life with him and was afraid to strike out on my own.

I spent almost two years single, in which time my confidence grew and I started to feel like my old self again. Then I met someone who was mad about me, and still is almost four years on. I'm now in the kind of relationship I craved when I was with my ex, but convinced myself it wasnt real. He's excited to plan a future with me instead of stringing me along.

I am now so, so thankful that my ex ended it, as I wouldn't have had the courage to do it. If I had stayed with him I'd be miserable, and I'd have never know what a real loving relationship felt like. Life is too short, don't settle for something that doesn't feel right.

@OhCaptain I know and I will for sure. Just wasn’t how I dreamed my life would be, but hey ho.

You were me, @SnakesOrLadders. One day my DH upped and left (he's still around - he left me not the kids) and I was devastated. But then after about 2 years, I met someone else (well, someone I'd known for a while but had never thought of in 'that' way as I'd been married) and now - 5 years down the line - I am loved for the first time in my life.

Sounds a bit bizarre to say it since it's a bit of a dramatic, traumatic thing to go through but I hope the same happens to you.

As a PP said, I agree that you shouldn't stay together for the sake of the children - show them what life is about, what loving is, what being loved is, they will be happy if you are happy etc etc.

Ah OP I get it.
My dh loves me in his own way, but he doesn’t embrace the whole me by any means. Most of the things I do he finds annoying
I had one very short affair many years ago with someone who I adored and seemed to be besotted with me and all my flaws. It was intense and didn’t last ( maybe a lesson in there!) but it was amazing. I’m so glad I felt that, even briefly. I hope you do too

what struck me about your post was that you never mentioned YOU loving someone else. Not one word of affection or admiration for your husband. Don't you take any joy in the person he is? If you wanted to marry, why didn't you propose to him?

You gave him an ultimatum to make him propose. (then complain there's no romance?)

It takes two, you know.

@SnakesOrLadders

I do value myself that’s why I would have thought at one point during my life a man might have fallen in love with me

You've been with your husband since you were 20, now you're late 30's. surely that means few men have had opportunity to fall in love with you.

I don’t really understand this. You got together with your now husband when you were 20. That was at least 16/17 years ago if you’re late 30s now.

Nobody had been in love with me when I was 20 either! And you’ve been coupled up since then so you’ve presumably not been dating other men or giving yourself opportunities to meet someone who thinks you’re amazing and is head over heels about you. So of course nobody has! Because you’ve cut off that option by staying with your DH!

Rather than feeling sad that nobody has ever been in love with you, perhaps it’s time to reassess whether your marriage is meeting your emotional needs. Because it doesn’t sound as if it is. You settled for your husband. You think he settled for you. It all sounds a bit depressing really.

I do understand OP, I was with a man for 28 years and thought it was how people felt in all relationships, really it was just deep affection and fondness, although that evaporated when he became abusive. I then met someone else at the age of 47, and it hit me like a teenager, we were obsessed with each other, but sadly after 7 years that too has ended. I do feel that I did love him and he loved me though, he moved to another city and long distance didnt work. What I am saying here is that you never know whats ahead of you no matter your age.