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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that MN has become unspeakably horrible lately

136 replies

wanderings · 26/07/2020 08:52

Yes, I know there's a pandemic on, don't we all. But in the last week or two, Mumsnet has become truly vile, it feels worse that it was at the start of lockdown. There have been threads where people have really piled on the OP, where really vile comments were allowed to stand for a long time. People have started so many "holier than thou" threads which look as if they want a bunfight. Don't tell me it's "robust debate": there has been a lot of blatant cruelty going on, with people kicking the OP when she is down.

And perhaps also it should change its name from "Mumsnet" to "Masknet". Every other thread is about the bloody masks. It's bad enough having the reality of them, without having to talk about them all the time. Could they be quarantined in the Coronavirus topic where they belong?

Mumsnet used to be a place to come to for escapism, and light reading; it makes you long for the threads about loo brushes and shoes off in the house. There's also been a real drought of fun threads, such as nostalgia ones. I've tried starting some of my own in the last couple of weeks, which have only had a few replies.

I would have ended this with "flame away", but that would make it look as if I was looking for a bunfight.

OP posts:
Quiero · 26/07/2020 17:08

I can remember having these conversations 10 years ago but imo it is worse now. I’ve just seen an old ‘classic’ thread revived and people bothering to post to say it’s shit. If you don’t like something just fucking move on.

The snobbery has always been here but you’d have been taken apart for some of the racism and disablist stuff I’ve seen over the last weeks. It seems that there were always the posters who hung around in AIBU just to give grief to people and generally be dicks but the good majority could generally suppress them. Its the majority now it seems.

TheQueef · 26/07/2020 17:08

@Devlesko

The Queef

The replies weren't mostly ok, they were downright racist as many on here are.
Not accusing you btw but that topic rarely makes more than 2 pages, due to racism.

Sorry if any of them were offensive for you Dev that wasn't the intention, more to force people to think why they feel comfortable showing that racism but would be apoplectic if they saw someone drop the N or P. shutting up about that now HQ
wanderings · 26/07/2020 17:24

@LonelyGir1 Why don’t you start a light thread instead then? I do start them; they often get buried by the masked frothers before they get seen. Either that, or I don't have the knack of making people want to reply to them. Perhaps I should put loo brushes in the title. Wink

I do think that in general, MN is one of the better places on the internet; I've been on a few other forums. But I have felt like deserting it this last week or two. I know 'twas ever thus, especially AIBU; and yes, I deliberately posted this in AIBU. I know that it's always been "nasty", I've been here for a few years, and I've seen the threads "isn't MN nasty?". But I do think it's been especially bad recently, and some threads have been a montage of pure spite, and in some cases, racism. It doesn't affect me much emotionally - I don't cry my eyes out after nasty replies (sorry, MN bullies). But I do worry for those who post because they need help and support, and get torn apart for their trouble. There's the old problem of the first couple of replies can set the tone of an entire thread.

@CassandraCross I haven't tried the jar opening thread, off to check it.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/07/2020 17:31

Problem with light hearted threads is that one of the first ten replies is usually Hmm, then "yeah, real funny slow clap" and then "troll!".
Then someone doesn't get the joke and reports etc.

I have to say I am quite surprised how well the "how much is your monthly x" and other personal info threads go. I am really surprised how people put it down to a penny. That's a part of a security info.

flirtygirl · 26/07/2020 17:48

The people who don't notice racism
(the othering, the difference in replies, the nuances when someone has not been out right rude and racist but when they subtly imply it)
are simply not the people that racism is targeted at.

And I'm not talking about outright racist comments that even mumsnet hq recognises and deletes. There is so much more than that....

If you have never read it, seen it or experienced it, it is very hard to even put microaggressions into words.

Everyone could do what, namechangedforthis123 suggests to see the difference in responses but I doubt very many will...

But let's keep telling ourselves that mumsnet is not racist.

HeLa1 · 26/07/2020 18:10

@flirtygirl

The people who don't notice racism (the othering, the difference in replies, the nuances when someone has not been out right rude and racist but when they subtly imply it) are simply not the people that racism is targeted at.

And I'm not talking about outright racist comments that even mumsnet hq recognises and deletes. There is so much more than that....

If you have never read it, seen it or experienced it, it is very hard to even put microaggressions into words.

Everyone could do what, namechangedforthis123 suggests to see the difference in responses but I doubt very many will...

But let's keep telling ourselves that mumsnet is not racist.

I’ve found that the people claiming not to notice the racism are the same people who come onto any thread to belittle, misrepresent and other BAME posters.
Namechangedforthis132 · 26/07/2020 19:33

I haven’t read all the subsequent posts properly but all I have to say in response to some comments are that a lot of people overlook racism. Whether it is on purpose or just ignorance. My family moved to a complete white area when I was 4. Me and my sibling were the only non- whites in the WHOLE school. So many times when I would go to my teacher because of the way kids treated me I would get fobbed off by “oh I’m sure x and x don’t mean it”. I was overlooked every time. When I was about 5 I clearly remember sitting on my own as the other kids didn’t want to hold my hand whilst playing ring a ring roseys. Even the teachers would overlook when anyone called me “Paki” right infront of them, no matter how many times I told everyone I’m INDIAN not PAKISTANI.

There was do much racism growing up. Whenever me and my sister went to any local shops the shop keeper would follow us around!

This behaviour has made me question so many things in my life even as an adult. When I feel something is off I think “no I’m being sensitive” like my teachers made me feel. Even now on MN I feel I have to hide behind a name that sounds white rather than my actual name.

Namechangedforthis132 · 26/07/2020 19:36

The people saying racism doesn’t exist you obviously have never experienced it. Don’t make the rest of us who have lived this in RL and on here feel we’re over-reacting!

C130 · 26/07/2020 20:29

I hear you Namechanged132. The amount of posters on Mn who want to deny that a person has experienced racism or can see it where they cannot is unreal. There must be another explanation for whatever has happend. Round and round in circles they go, instead of just listening, and trying to understand. And yes Racism in Education is real.

www.theguardian.com/education/2020/jul/23/reliving-experiences-of-racism-in-uk-education

SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/07/2020 20:33

@Namechangedforthis132

I haven’t read all the subsequent posts properly but all I have to say in response to some comments are that a lot of people overlook racism. Whether it is on purpose or just ignorance. My family moved to a complete white area when I was 4. Me and my sibling were the only non- whites in the WHOLE school. So many times when I would go to my teacher because of the way kids treated me I would get fobbed off by “oh I’m sure x and x don’t mean it”. I was overlooked every time. When I was about 5 I clearly remember sitting on my own as the other kids didn’t want to hold my hand whilst playing ring a ring roseys. Even the teachers would overlook when anyone called me “Paki” right infront of them, no matter how many times I told everyone I’m INDIAN not PAKISTANI.

There was do much racism growing up. Whenever me and my sister went to any local shops the shop keeper would follow us around!

This behaviour has made me question so many things in my life even as an adult. When I feel something is off I think “no I’m being sensitive” like my teachers made me feel. Even now on MN I feel I have to hide behind a name that sounds white rather than my actual name.

Don't. You really shouldn't. It's so sad to read this!
AmazingGrace16 · 26/07/2020 23:22

What is a mask thread?

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 23:40

I find every AIBU thread the op gets roasted and the atmosphere turns toxic. The op gets accused of being a drama llama, unreasonable, immature and posters will try to antagonise. If she/he tries to argue back they get accused of being aggressive/bullying.

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 23:41

''Agreed. The whole point of AIBU threads is to see if you’re being blinkered and unreasonable and get an outsiders opinion but instead of helpful replies there’s just snide remarks and posters piling on to say how mean, goady or selfish etc. the poster is! Is this how people are in RL?? ''

This. No in real life people be supportive to your face then be like that behind your back.

ifeellikeanidiot · 26/07/2020 23:55

MN has always been a bit nasty at times. A lot of discussion is quite robust. Which can be very entertaining and is a large part of why I'm here Blush

What's really surprised me recently is that MN is a lot less liberal than i realised. The stuff I read on here discussing BLM horrified me, MN is the only place I ever hear from Covid deniers or anti-maskers.t The FWR boards really depress me, and beyond there, the speed with which posters attribute the worst possible motive to men in any given circumstances.

I used to think MN people were like me and my friends, but recently I have begun to realise that they are worlds apart.

Flowers009 · 27/07/2020 00:07

Sorry but it's always been mean in this area of mumsnet

bridgetreilly · 27/07/2020 09:51

@AmazingGrace16 Threads about the wearing or not of face masks at the moment.

caringcarer · 27/07/2020 10:16

I think lockdown meant being cooped up indoors too much with no fresh air or seeing friends to chat to. More venting online.

C130 · 27/07/2020 10:25

I do think that MN is still a good place to come to for advice though. But I read some threads and am appalled at some of the replies.

SomewhereEast · 27/07/2020 10:27

I've been on here 9 years on & off and it does seem a bit worse now (very anecdotal I know). There were always certain topics (breastfeeding) which brought out the worst in some people, but now it feels like EVERYTHING here brings out the worst in some people...including me to be honest.

Also I think we're becoming somewhat less tolerant of differing political opinions online and that hasn't helped. MN has always had a range of opinions on board and thats...fine? We actually need more shared spaces online not fewer? If people want a specifically left or right wing parenting space go set one up, although if my experience is anything to by those kind of spaces quickly degenerate into narrow toxic echo chambers or get torn apart of questions Who Is Pure Enough To Be In This Space (and the answer will eventually be Not You).

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 27/07/2020 18:22

MN is the only place I ever hear from Covid deniers or anti-maskers

Similarly, MN is the only place where Ive seen people called "murderers" simply because they are struggling with mental health issues in lockdown. or because they bought a fcking chocolate bar with their food shop.

jessstan2 · 27/07/2020 18:25

Same as ever apart from coronavirus and that changed everything. However it is all coming to end now (so we're told), so it will back to how it was. I don't remember people being all that kindly before the virus, to be honest.

Nicolastuffedone · 27/07/2020 18:32

It’s really repetitive.....people asking the same things all the time. I want to direct them to the last 500 threads about the same subject.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 27/07/2020 19:08

or because they bought a fcking chocolate bar with their food shop.

That was exaggerated by some posters. At the beginning when the discussions were going on with just necessary shopping people said it's not unnecessary to go into shop to buy JUST chocolate. But as per usual someone turned it into BS of "chocolate is not necessity and shouldn't be bought".
Essentially from what I witnessed couple of posters with poor reading comprehension (which is in abundance here) went ballistic, changed the argument and it snowballed from there.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 27/07/2020 19:09

*it's not necessary not unnecessary

Covert20 · 27/07/2020 19:14

I only say YABU because it’s been horrible for years now 👍🏼