Apparently he's surprised workmen would beep at me.

[shellydolls]

Me and boyfriend went for a walk yesterday. He has a habit of walking miles in front of me as he doesn't notice if I've stopped for any reason.
I did stop to read a message on my phone so as expected he was still walking on ahead.

Anyway, a white van drove past and some men were whistling and making noises at me. I felt extremely embarrassed!

Boyfriend then turned round and noticed I was a bit behind him. He looked behind me and across the road and then said ' were they whistling at you? '
I replied yes.
He seemed genuinely confused.
He then went on to say ' I don't know why they would whistle at you for as you haven't exactly done yourself up'.

Admittedly, I was just dressed very casually and only brushed my hair to go out.

Now I know the workmen could have very likely been taking the piss and thought they'd do it for a laugh. That's how I've been made to feel anyway.

So was my boyfriend unreasonable to say what he did, or was I for not just laughing it off?

@Frazzled13

I think men sometimes incorrectly think that only women in short skirts, skimpy tops and high heels get catcalled, so maybe he just meant that? I find your bf more unreasonable for walking off without noticing you weren't with him.

Yes, very much.

Your boyfriend was very rude, does he attempt to put you down in other ways?

A lot of posters missing the point spectacularly here

@emilybrontescorsett

In fact lockdown was a welcome relief. I think as men couldn’t congregate or weren’t on the roads, it drastically stopped them behaving like absolute cunts.

I noticed this too. I put it down to the fact they were largely with their actual partners and so couldn't behave the way they do when with groups of men. I did however come across a very irate husband, 50's, who swore at me on a dog walk in front of his wife who looked completely humiliated. They are still dickheads, just more frustrated versions when "stuck" with the wives/partners.

You have a boyfriend problem, OP
The builders were twats, but that's sadly not unexpected.
Your boyfriend also being a twat is a lot more problematic.
He sounds self absorbed, rude and uncaring.
Does he routinely put you done when he feels jealous of other men's attention?

When I get catcalled, and tell DH about it (because it's oppressive to feel treated like a walking sex object), he expresses anger at the catcallers, and asks me if I'm OK. He does not comment on how that couldn't possibly have happened because I'm just wearing jeans and t shirts, and I'm no longer that young and fresh looking. He's wise enough to know catcalling happens to all women, and they didn't ask for it.
You deserve a better boyfriend OP (how old are you? You both sound like kids in your 20s)

He walks far ahead of you.
He tells you the guys couldn't have whistled at you as you, in his opinion, don't look good enough today.
He doesn't walk close to you and doesn't expect anyone whistling at you. What a twat.

OP, he would be my ex, today.

If this exact thing had happened to me and DP, we would have equally insulted each other, laughed and carried on with our walk. But then we know eachothers sense of humour and which buttons to push for giggles.

OP youve said several things that make your boyfriend sound frankly horrible. Then all you've done is defend him to other posters. Not sure exactly what you're looking for here.

Your boyfriend was being unreasonable, you were not. At best he was flummoxed because he doesn’t understand understand catcalling, at worst he’s being cruel. However I don’t think the men in the van were trying to compliment you or take the piss, they were trying to make you uncomfortable, it’s different.

@shellydolls, if you read this IABU, what would your response be to the OP?

I hate being whistled at .However your BF sounds rather unpleasant to be walking ahead of you, and acting "surprised" at you being noticed by white van men! Maybe you should look for a new guy who will be more polite! Why do men think we have to "do ourselves up" to get attention FFS! We are entitled to dress casually if we want to!

Educate your bf on the inequalities of being a woman where you can be verbally abused by strangers for simply being a woman.

Let's put it this way, no one on the thread has commented that what he said was "nice".

Men in vans whistle and toot at any female with a pulse. I’d say to him “welcome to my world''

True.. One of the funniest I heard was ''Lucky saddle'' when I was at traffic lights, aged about 17.

It was cheeky, but has made me laugh since.

Sounds like your DH was cross that you'd been whistled, and was trying to bash your confidence?

He distances himself from you in public and had successfullly convinced you that anyone finding you attractive must be joking.

Have you always go for arseholes or is this a recent thing?

It's a horrible thing to say. He's either completely blind to the fact that cat calling happens to all women and isn't dependent on being 'done up' or he's saying you're not attractive enough to be harassed. Or both.

Neither show him a good light, nor does the walking ahead thing. You can do better.

I find it really sad that your reaction is that they were taking the kiss rather than being furious that you boyfriend is such a prick.

OP,

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like a prize, and he definitely doesn't see you as one!

Perhaps have a think about that.

^You have a boyfriend problem, OP
The builders were twats, but that's sadly not unexpected^

@kaiserin where did OP say they were builders??

I never asked if it was right that he walked on ahead. That's not an issue to me but it was important to mention for this thread.

It is relevant though. It speaks to how he values you. It gives the impression he doesn't, and in that context his comment on the van men is part of the disdain he appears to have for you.

If he always walked next to you, chatting, listening to what you had to say, actively enjoying your company, then it was a rude thing to say, but not major.

@WhereYouLeftIt

"He then went on to say ' I don't know why they would whistle at you for as you haven't exactly done yourself up'." Ooh, so many layers of sexism in that one comment!

The biggest problem for me is that it betrays his belief that only women who are 'done up' will be harassed in the street. Or to put it another way - women who 'were asking for it'. Who, in his eyes, had deliberately dressed in a way that invited sexual attention.

When faced with proof that this is not the case, that all that is required to be sexually harassed is to be female, it did not strike him that maybe women are harassed merely for being women; no, instead he turns it on the harassed woman that since she is not 'done up' THERE MUST STILL BE A REASON SHE WAS HARASSED AND THEREFORE SHE HAS DONE SOMETHING FOR IT TO STILL BE HER FAULT HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

I'd be looking at your boyfriend with new eyes. I'd bet money other things he's said to you will have betrayed his sexism.

Oh, and this comment from JosephineDeBeauharnais is spot-on.
"Men in vans whistle and toot at any female with a pulse. I’d say to him “welcome to my world”." It's possible he's the oblivious type that just needs a nudge to look and see what is happening around him, who could realise he's a sexist who needs to get a grip and change his attitudes. But, you say "he's often got a lot on his mind so he genuinely doesn't notice [that you're no longer walking alongside him]" so probably not. He's not the noticing kind.

This.

The fact my boyfriend walked on in front is not an issue to me

It clearly is an issue to you, because it's likely the white van men would not have cat called if your boyfriend had been walking with you. You say you were embarassed by the behaviour of the white van men. Embarassment that you would have been spared if your boyfriend hadn't shot off without you, making it look like you were out walking alone.

Not sure why you keep saying it doesn't bother you that he walks off like that, when clearly it does. His comment to you was pretty shit too. Seems that he wants you to feel you're not good enough for other men, and you're lucky to have him.

Gosh. Bet your sorry you asked op. If op not concerned about the walking ahead then thats upto her & wasn't the question anyway.

I did not start this thread because I wanted to do something about it. I just wanted to know if his comment was wrong or if I was being sensitive

His comment was wrong and you were not being sensitive.

I would be asking myself what sort of person would make this wrong comment and do you want to spend the rest of your life with that sort of person.

You may have no issue with the walking ahead, that's entirely your prerogative, but his comment was victim-blaming and misogynistic - that is the sort of person he is.

When I'm with the family I tend to walk ahead with the kids because we're all chatting and don't notice that husband is really slow. If it were just the two of you though, it's a bit odd.

Should have just explained about everyday sexism and said 'this is what it's like being female and trying to just get on with your day'

What a weirdo. The fact that he doesn't realise your are 'miles
' behind when you walk .. plus that he is bewildered by the fact that other man would find you attractive as you 'didn't do yourself up '

You found yourself a gem OP 😅

shellydolls Does he refuse to walk next to you when you are not done up?
I had an ex who tried that. Very passive aggressive, didnt actually say anything. Waited for me to notice, work out the problem and fix it.

Worst of both worlds, being objectified by a bunch of dicks and then being insulted by your BF. That's really shitty and all the males involved in this are utter arseholes.