Apparently he's surprised workmen would beep at me.

[shellydolls]

Me and boyfriend went for a walk yesterday. He has a habit of walking miles in front of me as he doesn't notice if I've stopped for any reason.
I did stop to read a message on my phone so as expected he was still walking on ahead.

Anyway, a white van drove past and some men were whistling and making noises at me. I felt extremely embarrassed!

Boyfriend then turned round and noticed I was a bit behind him. He looked behind me and across the road and then said ' were they whistling at you? '
I replied yes.
He seemed genuinely confused.
He then went on to say ' I don't know why they would whistle at you for as you haven't exactly done yourself up'.

Admittedly, I was just dressed very casually and only brushed my hair to go out.

Now I know the workmen could have very likely been taking the piss and thought they'd do it for a laugh. That's how I've been made to feel anyway.

So was my boyfriend unreasonable to say what he did, or was I for not just laughing it off?

So it seems a lot of women on here would carry on walking if their boyfriends stopped to look at their phone?

Yes. And my DP would carry on walking if I stopped to look at my phone, unless it was for something really important like news I was waiting for from someone.
Stopping to look at a phone just indicates that someone is not really 'present'.

My ex fiancé was an asshole but even he insisted on walking with me. And on the outside of the pavement because he thought it was “gentlemanly”

Raise your standards @shellydolls you deserve better.

If I get that sort of attention from van-dwelling twats then I don't feel embarrassed, just irritated that they exist. I suggest that you cultivate this response, it is freeing!

Also, the subtext of your boyfriend's remark is that women who dress up should expect harassment. Him insulting your appearance is just the icing on the cake.

He doesn't sound very nice.

[quote shellydolls]@ukgift2016 he's often got a lot on his mind so he genuinely doesn't notice till I'm running up behind him.

It's not strange. [/quote]
no it is strange, if you go out for a walk together, and he walks off, thats strange

Did he believe you when you said this happens often and has no relationship to how attractively you present yourself?

(I know my own experience has been that walking home in scruffy, baggy old sports clothes is when I've been cat-called most - because I've been alone, on quietish streets, in the evening, therefore vulnerable).

Whether or not he believes you, when you talk about your experiences and your feelings about your experiences, is what really matters here.

Is he the type to deny something is real unless he's seen or experienced it himself? To dismiss what you tell him about yourself, your feelings, your experiences, because he hasn't seen it happen?

If so, he's neither use nor ornament and is not relationship material.

"He then went on to say ' I don't know why they would whistle at you for as you haven't exactly done yourself up'."
Ooh, so many layers of sexism in that one comment!

The biggest problem for me is that it betrays his belief that only women who are 'done up' will be harassed in the street. Or to put it another way - women who 'were asking for it'. Who, in his eyes, had deliberately dressed in a way that invited sexual attention.

When faced with proof that this is not the case, that all that is required to be sexually harassed is to be female, it did not strike him that maybe women are harassed merely for being women; no, instead he turns it on the harassed woman that since she is not 'done up' THERE MUST STILL BE A REASON SHE WAS HARASSED AND THEREFORE SHE HAS DONE SOMETHING FOR IT TO STILL BE HER FAULT HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

I'd be looking at your boyfriend with new eyes. I'd bet money other things he's said to you will have betrayed his sexism.

Oh, and this comment from JosephineDeBeauharnais is spot-on.
"Men in vans whistle and toot at any female with a pulse. I’d say to him “welcome to my world”." It's possible he's the oblivious type that just needs a nudge to look and see what is happening around him, who could realise he's a sexist who needs to get a grip and change his attitudes. But, you say "he's often got a lot on his mind so he genuinely doesn't notice [that you're no longer walking alongside him]" so probably not. He's not the noticing kind.

Your boyfriend is not being kind to you. That's unlikely to change over time.

You probably can't see it because you're in the middle of it but please, tell him to piss off and end the relationship.

I DO NOT CARE IF HE WANTS TO WALK ON IN FRONT WHILST I CHECK MY PHONE!!!!!!

This is not a problem to me. I never once said it was. If we was going for a stroll then we would walk together and possibly have my phone on silent. It was a walk for exercise. He walks faster than me. No big deal.

I did not start this thread because I wanted to do something about it. I just wanted to know if his comment was wrong or if I was being sensitive.

Your boyfriend is rude and really doesn't care about your feelings!

I do agree with others, walking ahead of you is strange, why didn't he notice you weren't walking with him until the men in the white van came along?

• he's often got a lot on his mind so he genuinely doesn't notice till I'm running up behind him.

It's not strange.*

Sorry OP, but it is strange. And disrespectful at the same time. Do you think “he’s got a lot on his mind” is just an excuse you are making for him because deep down you know that it’s not ok?

And as for his comment, it was really mean. There is no way I would not have pulled him up on it.

I had an XP who would walk ahead of me. He would hold whole conversations that I couldn't hear or be part of, but would assume that i HAD heard and was just 'sulking'. I also had an XH who would walk way way away from me, I'd have a child hanging off each hand and be walking at toddler pace, while he would stride along and act annoyed that I wasn't walking with him (the children literally couldn't walk fast enough).

They both treated me as somehow lesser. Neither would slow down or walk with me, even when I pointed out how ridiculous it was.

Please note that they are both exes.

he's often got a lot on his mind so he genuinely doesn't notice till I'm running up behind him.
*
It's not strange.*

It IS strange

It's also rude and uncaring

And his comment about the whistling van men is thoughtless

Wow - you've definitely got a keeper there

I did not start this thread because I wanted to do something about it. I just wanted to know if his comment was wrong or if I was being sensitive.

And the response was that he was wrong to comment and wrong to walk ahead of you.

May be being a "white van man" is so far from what your boyfriend is like he just didn't think it happened to "normal" women. Perhaps he thought you had to be obviously on show to get that sort of response - so it wasn't a dig at you.

@WhereYouLeftIt

"He then went on to say ' I don't know why they would whistle at you for as you haven't exactly done yourself up'." Ooh, so many layers of sexism in that one comment!

The biggest problem for me is that it betrays his belief that only women who are 'done up' will be harassed in the street. Or to put it another way - women who 'were asking for it'. Who, in his eyes, had deliberately dressed in a way that invited sexual attention.

When faced with proof that this is not the case, that all that is required to be sexually harassed is to be female, it did not strike him that maybe women are harassed merely for being women; no, instead he turns it on the harassed woman that since she is not 'done up' THERE MUST STILL BE A REASON SHE WAS HARASSED AND THEREFORE SHE HAS DONE SOMETHING FOR IT TO STILL BE HER FAULT HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

I'd be looking at your boyfriend with new eyes. I'd bet money other things he's said to you will have betrayed his sexism.

Oh, and this comment from JosephineDeBeauharnais is spot-on.
"Men in vans whistle and toot at any female with a pulse. I’d say to him “welcome to my world”." It's possible he's the oblivious type that just needs a nudge to look and see what is happening around him, who could realise he's a sexist who needs to get a grip and change his attitudes. But, you say "he's often got a lot on his mind so he genuinely doesn't notice [that you're no longer walking alongside him]" so probably not. He's not the noticing kind.

I’m reposting this comment because this is what I think you should be focusing on. Not stopping to look at the phone.

@LittleCabbage

So much unpleasant male behaviour described here.

Sexist dickheads in vans thinking it's acceptable to judge women on their appearance, and then leer/shout at them.

Your boyfriend thinking it's acceptable to walk miles ahead of you on a walk, and conditioning you to think that's okay because he "has a lot on his mind".

Your boyfriend telling you aren't attractive enough to warrant attention from other men (however unsolicited or sexist in its expression).

And this.

hes a bit ignorant if he doesnt think this happens to people who look like crap in some way ..

I was beeped and whistled at whilst 8 months pregnant in nothing but joggers and a hoodie with my greasy hair in a bun.

It doesnt matter what you look like... Harrassment Happens.

What he said was insulting. The walking ahead and not knowing if you are there is also very rude. My DH does it sometimes and it really pisses me off. I’ve also seen him do it to his elderly mother. I understand why he is doing it, a combination of anxiety and low self esteem makes him so absorbed in his own agenda he forgets about other people’s needs. Nevertheless, it’s still bloody rude. On more than one occasion I have let him steam on ahead while I have stopped in a shop or bar to do my own thing. The sheer pleasure of seeing him walk back down the road a few minutes later, perplexedly looking around for me, makes it all worth while.

You seem to expect and accept that your BF will treat you badly - why is that?

@shellydolls well since you asked.....yes his comment was wrong. it was rude. He doesn’t think you’re attractive enough to be beeped at.

Is he actually attracted to you? It doesn’t sound like it. Could he be walking ahead of you because he’s embarrassed of being seen with you?

I’m sorry if my post sounds harsh. I’m struggling to word it thoughtfully..... it’s just sometimes men (and women!) can have skewed views on their own appearance and use it to make their partners feel like shit.

Talking from experience

@shellydolls I get it. My Dad is a "walker off-er". This is why I can't see the point in going out with him, but he's the one who insists to go out as a group! Also if we're going out locally and walking from the house he stays at home for longer and then will catch up as HE doesn't like walking slowly. My daughter is 4. I think he's self-absorbed, generally.

@DrManhattan

why are you going for walks together and then not walking together. Why can't he stop for 2 mins whilst you look at your message, that's the polite thing to do, not go off ahead on his own.

Exactly this.

My exh used to walk off ahead of me leaving me to walk on my own - if I asked him to slow down he would be really annoyed. We once went for a walk together at a beautiful place in Wales starting off up a steep hillside. He shot off, occasionally stopping to wait for me to catch up but as soon as I arrived marching off again. When I asked him to walk more slowly so we could walk together he was furious and insisted on walking 2 steps behind me for the rest of the walk, even when we had got up the hill and were walking along the flat ground at the top.

This is the behaviour of a thoughtless and not very kind person op. Keep an eye on it.

Tell him welcome to the world of being female.
What planet is he on ?
When I used to walk with my friend we would be wearing walking boots, baggy walking trousers, waterproof coat, hair tied back etc and the number of dick heads who would pip at us was astounding. We are not young by the way. My teenage daughter says there isn’t a day goes by when she wasn’t stared at or beeped or some other invasion , whilst going to college. So much so she says she hates men.
Ditto when dd1 worked in a pub. She wore joggers/trainers/sweat top. Hair tied back and the number of dirty old men (married) who made suggestive remarks got on her nerves.
You need to educate him.

In fact lockdown was a welcome relief. I think as men couldn’t congregate or weren’t on the roads, it drastically stopped them behaving like absolute cunts.

Blimey OP, I can't believe the stick you're getting over the walking business. I get it, when you're out walking for exercise you don't both stop do you? The person looking at their phone or tying their laces stops and then runs a bit to catch up.

Anyway, as you've said a fair few times, it's not about that. So no, I don't think you were being unreasonable to not laugh it off. It wasn't a very nice comment from your DP.

Gosh OP you have got a lot of militant, obsessive comments here.....

Seems you have got everybody all fired up!

I don't see any issue with walking at different paces for exercise. You changed your pace by checking your phone and it sounds like you at least have an implicit agreement that that for both of you to go at the pace each of you likes suits you both fine. It's amazing how many feminists have no respect for what women say about their own situations!

Am also not feeling horrified by his comment. Everyone on here seems to expect men to have consumed every page of some feminist rule book (that even feminists don't agree with!) I have very rarely been hooted/catcalled. (Not sure where this parallel universe is where every woman gets catcalled, regardless of how they are presented, every time they leave the house- I don't live in it). When it does happen, it is normally when I have made an effort with my appearance. I would myself be much more surprised if it happened when I was 'dressed down'. I can understand why your boyfriend might feel a bit of surprise then! He hasn't done a PhD in catcalling practices! And he did not insult your appearance- he simply stated a fact that you weren't dressed up.

He did not say many of the things posters are accusing him of (Eg he did not say that women are asking for it if they are dressed up, or that it was a compliment to be catcalled). He may think these things, but he may well not.