Apparently he's surprised workmen would beep at me.

[shellydolls]

Me and boyfriend went for a walk yesterday. He has a habit of walking miles in front of me as he doesn't notice if I've stopped for any reason.
I did stop to read a message on my phone so as expected he was still walking on ahead.

Anyway, a white van drove past and some men were whistling and making noises at me. I felt extremely embarrassed!

Boyfriend then turned round and noticed I was a bit behind him. He looked behind me and across the road and then said ' were they whistling at you? '
I replied yes.
He seemed genuinely confused.
He then went on to say ' I don't know why they would whistle at you for as you haven't exactly done yourself up'.

Admittedly, I was just dressed very casually and only brushed my hair to go out.

Now I know the workmen could have very likely been taking the piss and thought they'd do it for a laugh. That's how I've been made to feel anyway.

So was my boyfriend unreasonable to say what he did, or was I for not just laughing it off?

You haven’t made your boyfriend sound very nice but I expect he’s not alone in wondering why other men cat call. He’s made a shit situation even worse by his comment and you should explain and educate him on how the cat calling and his comment then made you feel. Anyone with some empathy would then apologise to you, I hope he did.

Had he no idea that catcalling can happen to any woman at any time and is just a form of sexist aggression?

I'm fat, middle aged, never wear makeup and don't dye my hair and I've been cat called. I wasn't embarrassed, I was nervous which I am sure was their intent and also fucking livid.

Also your boyfriend is a nob for walking so far ahead of you.

Not forgetting his attitude to you being catcalled, that was a nasty thing he said to you.

Hope you don't have any long term plans to commit to this absolute Prince. You really can do better.

So was my boyfriend unreasonable to say what he did, or was I for not just laughing it off?

This is the question I asked in my post.

Why I wrote on here was to see if you thought my boyfriend was wrong to say that to me or if I was being a bit sensitive and should have just laughed it off .

I never asked if it was right that he walked on ahead. That's not an issue to me but it was important to mention for this thread.

I don’t think it’s strange he walks off if you’re walking for exercise. Dh and I walk for exercise. We start off together but I usually end up ahead of him as I like to brisk walk and he walks much slower than me. It’s different if we’re going for a stroll in the evening or walking with the kids. Then we walk together, chatting, and usually holding hands. If he’s walking for exercise then it’s fine for him to carry in at his pace if op needs to stop.

His comment was horrible though. It implies he thinks it’d be ok for you to be catcalled if you looked more presentable. You had a not nice thing happen to you and he made you feel even worse about it! Not nice at all.

@shellydolls

So was my boyfriend unreasonable to say what he did, or was I for not just laughing it off?

This is the question I asked in my post.

Why I wrote on here was to see if you thought my boyfriend was wrong to say that to me or if I was being a bit sensitive and should have just laughed it off .

I never asked if it was right that he walked on ahead. That's not an issue to me but it was important to mention for this thread.

It wasn't a very nice thing to say to you, no.

Also the underlying misogyny that bf seems to think peeping a 'dressed-up' woman is normal enough to be the done thing.

His reaction should have been "Can't believe a woman can't go for a walk seemingly alone without getting peeped by a van load of tosers".

Honestly, your BF striding ahead isn't OK. You're supposed to be going for a walk together. If he was fed up with you constantly stopping to check your phone (not saying you were, BTW), it would be fair enough to mention it, but if one stops to tie their shoelaces, check their phone occasionally, catch their breath etc, the other stops. I'm a fast walker but if I'm walking with anybody who isn't, I walk at their pace 🤷‍♀️.

And as for thinking you're not attractive enough to be whistled at... There is just so much wrong with that, so thanks to littlecabbage (at 8:16) for putting it a lot better than I could.

He sounds like a bit of a bully and slightly as if he only sees worth in women if they are "done up". I'd be annoyed. You could always ask how he knows they weren't whistling at him...

He's a fool.

You're 'embarrassed' by things that should make you angry.

Cat-calling is all about power vs vulnerability. It is not related to attractiveness. It is not complimentary.

Wolf whistling is not about how attractive a person looks, it is about power.

It could have been a good education moment.
"Actually women are harassed in this way all the time. All women. Including your girlfriend."

Dump the twat, for ignoring you while you're out and about, for insulting you and for thinking sexual harassment is a compliment.

I agree with @Iloveyoutothefridgeandback. If your DP is not the kind of person who would honk at someone himself (fingers crossed!) then he probably doesn't understand how it happens and just how common it is.

I was out with my DP a while ago and I think two sets of men honked not that far apart. DP asked "Does this happen all the time?". From the conversation that followed it was clear he wasn't saying "why would someone honk at you?!" but struggling to believe that/understand why it's so commonplace for men to do this - e.g. when you're just heading to the shops/back from work/on a run as normal. It may well be similar for your DP - he didn't realise what shits other men can be 😂

I think this shows that men dont really get the low level harrasment women face. He'd assumed you'd only get whistled at if wearing a short skirt etc so it surprised him.

Were you upset he said he hadn't done yourself up? Or is the issue that he didn't get you were embarrassed about being catcalled?

In terms of walking off, my husband sometimes looks at his phone a lot when we're out... And I've been known to just keep walking

@lottiegarbanzo

He's a fool.

You're 'embarrassed' by things that should make you angry.

Cat-calling is all about power vs vulnerability. It is not related to attractiveness. It is not complimentary.

I felt embarrassed as a group of men were whistling and beeping their horns at me in the street. Of course I felt angry after, but initially it was sheer embarrassment.

To be honest, if I was going for a walk with DP and he stopped to check his phone I'd carry on walking. If I'm out for a walk, I'm walking. I can sit at home and look at my phone. Maybe he finds you stopping to look at your phone irritating. I know I would.

So it seems a lot of women on here would carry on walking if their boyfriends stopped to look at their phone?

ShebaShimmyShake puts it very well.
Dont waste your time with a dick.

You have posted looking for people's opinions, however don't seem to be listening to them. I think his response was cruel and derogatory as you must too otherwise why would you have posted. So what are you going to do about it then?

Maybe he thinks the cliched thinking that men toot their horn/leer/ comment at women who are dressed in tight clothing, make up etc?

When in reality it can happen anytime. I must admit as I get older it doesn’t happen as often and when it does, I get a a bit inwardly happy as you can start to feel invisible when you get older. Outwardly I stick up my finger at them!

You’ve nothing to feel embarrassed about OP and if you want to take the toot as a compliment then there’s nothing wrong with that too.

What would concern is what my boyfriend’s intentions are. Does he always seek to bring you down? Demolish your self-confidence?

Men rarely understand how often women and girls (as for many of us this started wha before we were adults) we are subjected to sexual objectification, sexually harassed and assaulted many men think this doesn’t happen regularly and that it is about women and girls looking sexually attractive not about men objectifying a women or girls because they can

I think this can lead to a conversation as to how females often experience the world

I think he probably thinks we only get this attention if we are dressed up or showing flesh

why are you going for walks together and then not walking together. Why can't he stop for 2 mins whilst you look at your message, that's the polite thing to do, not go off ahead on his own.

By extrapolation, I take it he thinks that women who go out at night 'done up' in short or tight clothes are 'asking for it' and that, if they're raped, it's their fault.

That rape, like cat-calling, is an expression of uncontrolled attraction, rather than of power, intimitadion and control.

That male sexuality is naturally predatory, sex a form of attack.

That women, particularly but not only how they choose to present themselves, are responsible for men's behaviour.

He will extend this to other areas of life.

You have some interesting discussions ahead of you!

@cologne4711

Leave your phone at home and then you won't have to stop or slow down to read messages.

But your boyfriend's comment was very odd. So harassment is ok if you are "dolled up" but not if you're not? It's never ok!

I don't think OP has asked for any tips re the mobile and don't see why this is an issue. I carry my mobile everywhere and have never had an issue with needing to check oncoming messages. This is all on her partner, so let's not attribute any blame or offer suggestions on mobile usage.