To think I’ve fucked my entire life up.

[Paperlanterns2]

I got pregnant shortly after starting uni age 20, my ex partner became emotionally abusive during my pregnancy - it was like he had flicked a switch. I had to quit my degree (which I was getting decent marks in, and really enjoying!) to care for our DS full time. My ex partner was completely awful, I could write a book about all the horrible things he did to me and how badly he treated us.

My social life has entirely evaporated - I have gone from having a great life, friends, goals, interests, and a good future ahead, to a life of drudgery. I love DS, I really do, we have so much fun together (he is now 4) but I wish I could have had him ten years later, when my career was on track and hopefully I was with someone who didn’t turn out so horrible.

I am 25 now, and I feel so depressed at how little I’ve achieved in my life. It’s like living in a box - every day is the same, I wake up, look after DS, he goes to nursery some days so I can work (min wage job which I do not enjoy) then I pick him up and take him home, weekends we occasionally see friends or family and I plan lots of days out with DS which we both enjoy.. but I’m just not really happy with my life anymore I cry myself to sleep most nights, for as long as I can think back.

I’ve failed myself, I’m 25 and have no career, qualifications or even experience, and DS is stuck with a dad who’s absent most of the time, and me as a mum. I’m so ashamed of myself and how I’ve managed to ruin things and end up so unenthusiastic about everything. I dread when he’s old enough to realise how shit I am.

I'm sorry you are feeling like that. He won't ever think that of you - you are his mum and I'm sure you are doing an amazing job of it. I think you need to get your education and career back on track if you can as you need to feel proud of what you can achieve. Can you do uni part time?

Don't be so.hard on yourself. Its never too late and 25 is still very young. As a lone parent there may be benefits to support you while you complete your degree or study further.

My god - you’re so young.

You have so much time to make a fantastic life for yourself.

And you’ll be young as your son gets older which means you’ll have the energy to relate to him and to deal with the teenage years with gusto.

I’ve had my second child at 40. He’s 2 now and I’m exhausted.

Meh at is it you’d like to do? Because you still can.

Make a plan. Full time school is round the corner and you’ll be able to make some real changes.

OP, and I know other people will say this - you are still very young!

It is extra hard to have a young child when you haven't had the chance to build up career and financial capital, but you have time ahead of you yet to do more when DS doesn't need so much of your attention.

I've never been in your shoes, but I am sure there will be wise mums here with advice to help you look to the future. Please don't write yourself off - you've done an amazing thing bringing up a child on your own for a start.

Meh as it?? WHAT is it you’d like to do that should read.

Open University degree? So flexible. You can do it. Make a change and things will be so much better for you.

To me you sound like an amazing mum! I'm sure your time will come very soon - is there anyone you can speak to about new plans? Can you plan to go back to uni?

You haven't ruined things, you've delayed things. You're only 25! COVID and the way the job market is right now makes this potentially the ideal time to consider returning to uni. Do you know what you want to do? The same as before? Does it have a defined career path, a job at the end? Can you transfer credits?

UABU. You are really young and have your life ahead of you. Your son will be starting school and you could arrange to study or work around this. You are intelligent and probably bored due to lack of stimulation. What was your degree subject? Are you still interested in this area?
Your son will remember that you made him feel loved and secure. He couldn’t care less what age you had him and what careers your friends have.

Goodness me I just want to give you a hug.

It sounds to me like you’re an intelligent woman who feels like she’s let herself down. I don’t think you have. You’ve set yourself back a few years but your son will be in school this year or maybe next and you need to start to consider your education. Can you go back to study?

Also, please speak to the doctor about how you feel.

I felt like that at 28. I messed up my education because of mental health issues. I tried uni twice and dropped out. Very abusive relationship. Got out of that, Bounced around on min wage jobs then had kids and got stuck for childcare.

I’m 34 now and I’ve worked my backside off to retrain and build up a career. I’m getting where I want to be and I’m damn proud of it. It’s hard with kids in tow, but possible. Everything gets easier when they start school.

What were you training in? Maybe you need to reapply?

Stop being your own worst enemy. Stop it right now. You're a wonderful mum and you literally have your whole life ahead of you. You did brilliantly at uni before and you can do so again. Your life can be whatever you make of it, so pick yourself up and make it happen. It may sound trite, but it's 100% true, that the only one holding you back is you.

I'm not saying the road ahead will be some primrose path, but you definitely have the ability to navigate it and succeed. I'm a couple of years, your life can be on a totally new trajectory.

Nope from what you've described Op you have not failed one bit. Life has its twists and turns but that's how it is for most of us.

Go easy on yourself Op. You've come through an abusive relationship and you sound like a fabulous Mum. These are achievements you can be proud of. Your 25yrs old - you really have got time to get it back on track to where you want it to be. It's a cliché but don't look back, look forward. I went back to uni at 28 years old after a very rocky time. I felt like a washed out failure too. I'm in my 40s now and can't believe how far I've come and still feel like I've got loads to learn, give back and achieve.

You may need some councilling to help you move forward. A visit to your GP may help to talk it through and look at options to help you. None of this is failing.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way

I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I'm in my 30s and similarly feel like a failure and haven't achieved the things I could/should have done.

I think it's very common to feel this way as a young mum, but I also think it's a common response to trauma and abuse. You've had your confidence, your sense of self and your self worth insidiously stripped away by an abuser. You're seeing yourself as 'not good enough' and a 'failure' because you're still defining yourself by his standards.

None of what he did to you was your fault. You are not to blame for where your life is at the moment, you've been a victim of abuse. You are living in the consequences of his choices to harm you.

Have you looked into counselling? There are long waits at the moment for NHS services, but good support available when you get there. I think you need to process the experiences you've had, realise how far you've come and how incredible it is that you've managed to rebuild your life even if it isn't the life you thought you'd have at this point.

Once you've done that, you'll be in a better place to move forward and think about what you want to do next and what you can change to move gradually towards your goals. You can't do that from a place of self blame and self hatred though. You need to respect and trust yourself to be able to grow well. You need to grieve what you don't have, before you can be excited about what you do.

I think your son will grow up and realise the exact opposite. His mother sacrificed her education, career, and social life, to raise him alone as a single mother after breaking with her abusive ex to give him the best start in life. She carried it all on her shoulders and she gave everything to her son. She even worked a job she hated to provide for him. She never quit. She loved him endlessly, as did her friends and family - a big, warm, loving support circle that carried him into adulthood. He remembers all the joy. And he is grateful. He is so proud of you and now has a beautiful relationship with you as an adult, and he's a wonderful husband to his own wife. He's grateful for his dad only in that he learned how not to be a partner and father. He's doing great, all thanks to you.

OP, you couldn't have had your son ten years later or with someone else. You'd have had a child but it wouldn't be the son you have now- different egg, different sperm. Your choices have led you to the amazing little boy you have now- don't beat yourself up for that.

@Owleyes16

I think your son will grow up and realise the exact opposite. His mother sacrificed her education, career, and social life, to raise him alone as a single mother after breaking with her abusive ex to give him the best start in life. She carried it all on her shoulders and she gave everything to her son. She even worked a job she hated to provide for him. She never quit. She loved him endlessly, as did her friends and family - a big, warm, loving support circle that carried him into adulthood. He remembers all the joy. And he is grateful. He is so proud of you and now has a beautiful relationship with you as an adult, and he's a wonderful husband to his own wife. He's grateful for his dad only in that he learned how not to be a partner and father. He's doing great, all thanks to you.

Fabulous post 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Right you need to stop wallowing and pull up your big girl pants and make a plan. You're only 25!
I went back to college and uni full time at 29/30 as a single parent to 2 age 5 and under, I'd been out of education for 12 years.
In 5 years you'll be in such a different place!

Op, I finished my degree at 43! You are just beginning your life. Don't condemn yourself to failure before you've even had a chance to really live.

Its never too late to go back into education if that what you want to do, at the grand age of 42 I went back to college and have just qualified. So anything Is possible.

You’re only 25 and have plenty time to do something with your life.

I wish Id had my children younger so I could have focused on my career in my 30s and 40s instead! Its really not too late at all. Degrees can be done online now, choose a subject that will lead to a good career. HR is a good one for working mum's, plenty of flexible roles, all company's need it, and you can find jobs in most places. You start as an assistant but the sky's the limit and HR directors get paid really really well. But just choose something and go for it. As a student you can get loans to help with your living costs and fee's and as a parent you can get universal credit as well, plus no council tax if you decide to do it FT. The best revenge on your nasty ex is a life well lived.

Oh sweetheart have a good cry, get it all out. Type out the worst you think it is.

Then tomorrow start a plan. You can change things.

You sound like a fab mum. And I have no doubt he loves you too bits.

What were you studying at uni?

What were your career goals? Are they still the same now or do you envisage something different?

Your son is about to start school and will be getting more and more independent which means this is an ideal time to start moving forward.

Open University works for some people.

Are you based near a city/town with a university? Or further education college?

What kind of roles are available where you live? Would you be willing to move to somewhere else if it offered better opportunities?

You’re only 25, I turned my life around at 32 with 3 young children.
I suggest that you reapply and complete your degree then go into the career that you want. Your son will be starting school I presume so there is no better time than now.
Do not be hard on yourself. Abuse evaporates your self esteem. The fact that you got out of the relationship and you’re working is a big deal. Now you've decided you’re ready for more.
A social life will come along with uni and a career. Reach out to old friends. Good luck x

You have plenty of time to turn your hand to anything and achieve whatever you want to achieve.

Your life has barely begun.

Get yourself down the doctors for depression and start making steps to change what makes you unhappy in your life.