To think I’ve fucked my entire life up.

[Paperlanterns2]

I got pregnant shortly after starting uni age 20, my ex partner became emotionally abusive during my pregnancy - it was like he had flicked a switch. I had to quit my degree (which I was getting decent marks in, and really enjoying!) to care for our DS full time. My ex partner was completely awful, I could write a book about all the horrible things he did to me and how badly he treated us.

My social life has entirely evaporated - I have gone from having a great life, friends, goals, interests, and a good future ahead, to a life of drudgery. I love DS, I really do, we have so much fun together (he is now 4) but I wish I could have had him ten years later, when my career was on track and hopefully I was with someone who didn’t turn out so horrible.

I am 25 now, and I feel so depressed at how little I’ve achieved in my life. It’s like living in a box - every day is the same, I wake up, look after DS, he goes to nursery some days so I can work (min wage job which I do not enjoy) then I pick him up and take him home, weekends we occasionally see friends or family and I plan lots of days out with DS which we both enjoy.. but I’m just not really happy with my life anymore I cry myself to sleep most nights, for as long as I can think back.

I’ve failed myself, I’m 25 and have no career, qualifications or even experience, and DS is stuck with a dad who’s absent most of the time, and me as a mum. I’m so ashamed of myself and how I’ve managed to ruin things and end up so unenthusiastic about everything. I dread when he’s old enough to realise how shit I am.

Please re -read @Owleyes16 post again and again until you believe it. It is beautiful, and of course you are so young with so much to do in the future. Some could even argue having a son that little bit younger will give you more time for yourself in the future while at prime age !

You are so, so, SO young. And I promise you that whatever age you have them, raising pre-school children if you have any desire for a life of ghe mind, is like living in a box. You can adore them and find it hellish at the same time. But soon your DS will go to school and you'll have some time to yourself to breathe and think about what you want to do.
You are clearly clever. Look for funding that could enable you to complete your degree or do a new one that will take you closer to where you want to be professionally.
It's probably no comfort right now but your DS will be grown by the time you are forty and you will still be young, energetic, still have your looks and your mind to do whatever you want. I promise you life gets better and better.

YANBU for now, but having been there (worse, having stayed with ex long enough to have convinced ourselves that the happy families game was true enough to have a second child) I can tell you that you are just about at the cusp of being able to move forward again. your DS will be in school soon and you can look into going back to school/retraining and such.

Except for Covid19, I am sorry to say.

Still, you have a computer? or tablet? or even a phone. There are free courses you can take online at sites like FutureLearn. I don't know if there is any way to turn these into degree credit, or if there are free degree courses online, but the real point right now is to engage your mind in a topic which interests you, do well at something, and feel better about yourself.

Good luck!

It sounds like your self esteem is very low and some counseling may help. This can be arranged through your GP. Have you considered continuing your degree through the open university which can be done part time and they should give you credits for what you have completed already.

There are loads of us thinking this and we are 45

You have time on your side - I promise x

You haven't failed things may have gone in a different direction for a while but you have a lovely little boy. That's the best thing ever.

At 25, you are still very young. Many, many people go to University when they are older than the typical 18. When I did my degree, one of my course mates turned 40 part way through!

If your son is 4, I assume he starts school this year? That will give you a bit more time to do things.

So, start with thinking about what you want to do? You say you were enjoying your course -what was it? You could restart that course. Did you complete a full year? If so, you may be able to transfer some credits. If not, it doesn't matter. Or you can look at different courses. Have a look at the Unis you could realistically get to and perhaps speak to the admissions tutor for the course you are interested in. The open university is also an option.

You could have your degree by the time your 28/29. Then you still have around 40 years of working life to do what you want. Your son will only be around 7/8 when you finish so again, still young.

At 25, petal, it's nowhere near too late for you! Don't be daft! I bet your son adores you, and it sounds like you're making his childhood an extremely happy one. Now he's going to school, you should be able to do all sorts of part-time courses - even Uni ones. Chin up. You'll be fine. I have no doubt.

As some one said above... life becomes much easier when they start school. Just give it a year or two and you will have more time to get back in track.

In the meantime, are there any free courses you can take to keep your brain active and prepare you to go back to university when the time is right? Futurelearn.com has thousands to choose from.

Remember, nothing lasts forever, not even rubbish situations, things will get easier/better eventually.

I like the phrase, it’s never too late to be what you might have been. Whichever way you go at the end of the day you will have raised your wonderful son.

Does your chosen career need a degree ? I went back to work at 35 and worked my way up to company director without a degree?

Maybe look for apprenticeships where you can work and train at the same time

First off you sound like you are doing a great job, loving your son, providing for him and bringing him up on your own which is not easy at any age. Its completely understandable that you feel like you do, but if you are so down that you are crying yourself to sleep every night you need to see your GP, no-one will judge you but it really sounds to me like you need some proper help to get through this.

I am 48, my two boys are 19 and 21, and now I am so glad I had them young. Opportunities will come along for you and you will make a better life, just think of this time as rock bottom and the only way now is up. Reach out for some help. Good luck xx

You definitely haven’t ruined your life or your sons.i was only just 22 when I had my first child. Didn’t go to uni and didn’t enjoy my job, then had second and felt rubbish again. I’ve worked hard and now working with children which was something I Always wanted to do when I left school. My DD is 14 and she always says She’s proud of me for showing her how to work hard to get the things you want. I promise in 10 years your son will be talking about you with pride.

Nah you haven't failed anything - you've just rearranged your timeline for your achievements!

If you wish to study there are lots of options to do it part time or entirely remotely. I bet when you do some research you'll get really excited about the possibilities out there for you and your career.

Regarding your child's father, you're not with him now so you have "achieved" by not being in the relationship. At 20 people are usually just figuring out what they want from relationships so there's nothing to be ashamed of that you were in a relationship that you didn't like and which didn't work. Continuing it would be the problem here.

Give yourself a break and a pat on the back for the things you have managed to provide for your child.

You sound like a great Mum. Give yourself credit for that. It’s hard work but you’re doing it without any supper. You love your son and you’re doing your best for him. You have loads of time to get your career on track. He will be at school soon and you can focus on rebuilding your life. Open university degree, retrain in some way. You can do it! You will have a loving son who will admire you and appreciate you as he gets older if he has any sense.

Any support not supper!!

My friend's just completed a social work degree at 38 and she's a single mum of 4 dc who had her first child at 14 and her youngest 5 years ago. Her only regret is juggling 3 jobs for years instead of just cracking on with it.

Stop moping, seriously. There's a whole world out there and at your age your life is far from a right off.

Oh, OP! I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

'Fucked up my entire life'. This is 'all or nothing' thinking. It's a depressive thinking style, which is to say that when we tell ourselves stories, with our internal narration, and we fall into common mistakes like this, we can end up depressed.

www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Just noticing when we are falling into these habits or thought patterns can be incredibly liberating. If you notice yourself saying things like this, just ask - is this really true?

'my ex partner became emotionally abusive' - have you spoken to a professional, counsellor or therapist about this abuse? One doesn't just recover from it overnight, it needs attention.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/emotional-support-and-counselling/

'I’ve failed myself .... I dread when he’s old enough to realise how shit I am.'

You are articulate, intelligent, caring and ambitious, from what I can see from the little bit you've written here. You've had a rough time, you've done amazing things raising your son on your own - that is fucking heroic - You need some care and support and to know that this, too, will pass. We all have dark times and the chance to learn from them, grow and deepen our experience of being human. I think you'll be fine, OP. Genuinely.

The last two things I wanted to suggest are:

1. Get your bloods taken, check for low iron and low B vitamins. Both very common, both can lead to low mood.
2. Exercise, get outside daily. It makes a huge difference.

Wishing you all the very best.

You are a good mum who loves your little boy very much. He's very very lucky to have you.
Could you widen your social circle? Any way you can finish your degree at night school? Distance learning?

There was a time I thought I'd blown it. Uni degrees are not the be all and end all of life and careers. I have wound up with a fantastic career after being made redundant twice and not completing my degree.

I got a role where they paid for my professional qualification. They gave me study days off to ensure success. Maybe this is something to consider??

I worked full time, studied around looking after 2 children and running a home.

I can assure you that you boy won't think anything about you other than you're his amazing mum.

OP, most 25 year-olds I know neither know what they want to do with their life nor have a kid, so I would say you're well ahead! And don't forget that your child-free contemporaries may also be having a quarter-life crisis. Being 25 is hard, especially these days.

It is so hard having them young because £££ less BUT you will have zero childcare responsibilities when you really hit your professional prime. And what you don't have in £££ now you do have in energy. I am 40 and mine's in primary school and, honestly, I feel like an old woman. I just don't have the energy to push myself professionally even though I can see the opportunities right there.

Do check what grants and benefits you're entitled to for training as a single parent (and young person). As everyone says, it is much easier when they're in school as your childcare costs drop dramatically (if you are not already getting free hours?). And I found my social life also returned around that point.

And, as far as your ex goes, people have kids with arseholes at all ages, believe me. It is nothing to do with youth. You could have had exactly the same issue if you'd had a kid at the 'right' time (and that kid wouldn't have been your gorgeous little boy). What is in your favour is that you're young so you have loads of time to get help after what he did and go on to some very happy relationship(s). If you were in the same situation in your 40s (as many people are when these things happen), rewiring your brain is that bit harder. (Also, shifting that baby weight is that bit harder, when it comes to online dating!)

Open University? Get your degree!

Even though you were young, you were clever enough to get rid of that wanker you were with so as to give your boy the best chance - so many of us on here NEVER achieved that and are ashamed of it. Staying with the wrong man is the worst cock up you can make, not having a baby and taking care of it. When your boy is at school (soonish?) you will find all sorts of opportunities to head off in a new direction and get the degree or career you want.

Do you have family helping you at all? You sound amazing.

Perhaps you are not over the trauma that the relationship left you with. I don’t know how horrible your ex was to you, but it can take such a long time to climb back up to find yourself again.
Can you not connect back with some of your old friends ? Reach out to them just for a chat then perhaps meet up and start to have some time for yourself again. This whole lock down must have been quite a difficult time if you two live alone.
Get yourself mentally strong and then you can start the process of study or training.

Okay, deep breath.

For a second (sorry if this sounds trite) count the things you do have - a beautiful healthy son, a job, roof over your head, family, friends. That is a really good starting point.

Can you elaborate a bit on what sort of jobs you are interested in? Any goals you would like to achieve in the future? What sort of life you would like to wake up to in the morning?