To think I’ve fucked my entire life up.

[Paperlanterns2]

I got pregnant shortly after starting uni age 20, my ex partner became emotionally abusive during my pregnancy - it was like he had flicked a switch. I had to quit my degree (which I was getting decent marks in, and really enjoying!) to care for our DS full time. My ex partner was completely awful, I could write a book about all the horrible things he did to me and how badly he treated us.

My social life has entirely evaporated - I have gone from having a great life, friends, goals, interests, and a good future ahead, to a life of drudgery. I love DS, I really do, we have so much fun together (he is now 4) but I wish I could have had him ten years later, when my career was on track and hopefully I was with someone who didn’t turn out so horrible.

I am 25 now, and I feel so depressed at how little I’ve achieved in my life. It’s like living in a box - every day is the same, I wake up, look after DS, he goes to nursery some days so I can work (min wage job which I do not enjoy) then I pick him up and take him home, weekends we occasionally see friends or family and I plan lots of days out with DS which we both enjoy.. but I’m just not really happy with my life anymore I cry myself to sleep most nights, for as long as I can think back.

I’ve failed myself, I’m 25 and have no career, qualifications or even experience, and DS is stuck with a dad who’s absent most of the time, and me as a mum. I’m so ashamed of myself and how I’ve managed to ruin things and end up so unenthusiastic about everything. I dread when he’s old enough to realise how shit I am.

Life throws things at us at all ages that’s something I’ve learnt. I wish my daughter was as sensible as you and recognised and would get rid of an awful boyfriend. Can you study part time? Open University? Is there someone that can babysit to allow you to have some time with friends? You are very young and have time on your side, but use it wisely and you will be ok

Aww OP you sound like a great mum and you’re doing the most important job in the world- bringing up your child. It’s hard going, even more so as a single parent.

People go to uni at all sorts of ages. Even if you wait until you’re 30 to retrain I’m something. Say it’s takes you 4 years then you’ve still got 35+ years in the career!!

It will get easier when lo is older. Honestly you’re still young and have so much time to decide what you want to do. You could have think of the career you could see yourself in and get in touch with the unis etc...

Good luck OP

Please don't see that you have brought a lovely boy into the world and raising him on your own fucking up your life. Life is full of lessons to make us stronger empower yourself, invest in yourself and self worth. One day you will look back on this part of your life and think I did it and I came through it. You have come quite a way on this journey already by getting your son through his first few years and you have a job too which although you may not enjoy it probably gives you a bit of self worth that you are actually getting out there doing something for you and your son. It's not forever and there is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to seek out the light not sit in the dark. Look for the magic in what you do have, a great son a reason to keep going and rise above. Use the good things to give you strength. If money is tight think outside the box my estranged husband kept gambling our rent money so i used to do boot sales with things other people gave away. Good luck and rebrand your mindset to challenge the road ahead. Xx

When I was twenty five I had no degree, a crap job, it felt hopeless. I didn’t have any excuses, I wasn’t bringing up a child single handedly like you (I admire you) but I’d made some pretty catastrophic errors along the way and lost my way. I was immature and a bit useless really. Then in my very late twenties I got a grip and started an OU degree, had children and then a part time MSc, got a decent job, my first decent job at 37.

I’m 53 now and I realise that I only felt out of sync in my twenties when it felt like everyone else was doing things in the correct order; O levels, A Levels, go to university, travel, job, serious relationship, marriage, children etc etc. Then when I looked around me properly in my thirties at my contemporaries from my home town I saw that the 16 year old school leaver was the local wealthy entrepreneur, the Oxbridge candidate had dropped out, the determined to remain child free had triplets, the boy we all fancied died at 28, the other drop out went back to education (me), my sister who wanted loads of children, struggled for years TTC, the Queen Bee was in prison (fraud) - Nobody really got the life they expected or the timetable they wanted. I know it’s irritating when people say “but you’re still so young”, but you are! You may also find that the steep lessons you have learned as a parent make you a far better student when you go back to it. Your life hasn’t stopped it’s just taken a different route that you may reflect upon later as no bad thing. After all we can pine for the life we ‘should have had’ but we’ve no idea what it might have contained.

You sound like you’re doing a fine job of bringing up your DS. Perhaps you could do with some supportive counselling to help you manage your feelings and to help you focus on what you can do next and perhaps you can then build a five year plan and reset your goals? Above all counselling might help you develop more self compassion because you need to forgive yourself.

25 is young!

Go and live the life you want. Past mistakes are just that

Get yourself back to uni, as around for ‘widening participation’ support. Single parent with young child and disrupted education, domestic abuse background, I’m sure universities may well have ways to help with finance. See if you’re eligible for a student loan - no less than a part time minimum wage job! Universities tend to have great nurseries too. If you start now, even if part-time you’ll have your degree by age 30, and still 35-40 years to go to retirement!

Who was it said "Life is what happens to us while we're making other plans"?

You say in your OP that you love DS and have so much fun together. Part of that will be because he's lovable and fun-loving. What you overlook is that raising a wonderful human being is itself an incredible achievement. Possibly the greatest one a person can aspire to, when you consider how much effort it takes and all the things that can go wrong.

So you're achieving plenty, just not in the order that you thought you would. Life tends to do that, although we often don't see it until we get older and the patterns are clearer.

One thing I've learnt is that the people who are happiest tend to be the ones who can let go of their expectations enough to readjust and fully enjoy the things they're achieving as they're doing them, rather than being distracted by the phantom ones they thought they would be doing earlier.

OP you are 25! And your son is off to school soon. That gives you a chance to train/study/do something you enjoy.

Please dont be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you give your DS a good life and put him first. Now is the time to do a bit for yourself. Both of you will thank you for it.

I screwed up my first attempt at uni in very different circumstances but I always felt that way. Went back to uni when I was 24 and finally got my degree last year. Took me an extra year and a half as had 2 babies along the way but it really just gives you extra motivation.
I know the opportunities are few and far between but if you had any chance to get a graduate apprenticeship I'd jump at it. You get paid around 15k and get your degree at the same time with day release to uni.

Last year I got to have my photo in my graduation gown and cap with my perfect little boy holding my hand looking up at me proud as anything. Best feeling in the world and I hope you will get it soon.

OP you have achieved a lot already. You’ve started a degree, you are employed, you have raised a child on your own and clearly have an amazing relationship with him. Well done!!
There’s nothing I have read in your post that says failure. I just feel like you’ve got through the tough early years with your DS and ready for a new challenge but you’re not sure how to go about it.
Take some time to work out what you want to do career wise. There will be plenty of options for you. Lots of people study part time.

But be proud of where you are and what you have achieved
There are some great ideas on here about coping with low mood - please take a look at them and give them a go

Wishing you well

I went to university at 25, it's not too late to go back ❤️

Please don’t be too hard on yourself.
You can decide now what to do with your life
Lots of people do college stuff and then end up in jobs they hate
You know what you don’t want to do
😊 you are so much wiser than lots of other people
BELIEVE YOU CAN

There are so many new ways to study online, part time, open university etc. You can find a way. He's almost at full time school age and then you will have more time.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are strong, and have sacrificed for your son. In the future he will know that and be so proud! I was similar, had my ds at 19, gave up my college place in my dream career. Ex was abusive and we had to flea eventually to another pet of the country, he is 14 now and I am about to start uni! He is so happy, proud, and an amazing young man. He learned what not to be like from his dad. Times have been tough but we have an amazing bond now. That will be you and your ds is a few years. When your ds is at school it is worth taking to uni's if that's still what you want. There is support out there for parents. Good luck and stay strong!

I actually think you are really great and so lucky to have a beautiful little boy,it is indeed very difficult going it alone but you will get there

I must add what a lucky boy to have a great mum

You're still a spring chicken OP, and raising a child alone is an incredible achievement; don't put yourself down. Similarly though, you are young enough to have plenty of opportunities, what would you like to do?

It will get a little better when he goes to school. Hang on in there, this is temporary, when he does go to school you could go back to university and get your degree.

It's so hard when they're little, but it does get easier. Be kind to yourself

I went to college at 35 with three children and had a surprise fourth during my two year full time course( she was born in the holidays) and qualified with the highest marks in the class and second in the year.

He will be going to school soon. Apply for Uni, go back get wrap around care or explain to the tutors that you may have to start a little later or finish earlier sometimes. Don’t be depressed about it do something about it. It won’t be easy but I have known other woman who have gone back and made it work. Start planning now. Good luck.

At 25, a single mum I did an access course at university. From there, I went to university and at the age of 30 have a career.

All you need is motivation. What have you got to lose?

Your DS is 4. He will become more independent over the next few years. Start your degree again part time even if it takes you a few years. There are some funds within Universities available to help students in your position so talk to your chosen uni and be open about your situation. Take confidence from the fact you have evidence of good grades on it before and have the ability. You sound like an amazing mum and your son will be proud of you no matter what career you have.

You sound like a very thoughtful and kind mum. As a few PPs have said, what is it you want to do? Perhaps we can help with some practical advice to get you there.

It's never to late to go back and study, you can do it now, a friend of mine had her first child at 18 (he's 19 now) she went back to college and uni 8yrs ago to study midwifery her only regret is that she didn't do it years before that, don't be so hard on yourself x

Honestly, at 24 I was where you are. Dropped out of university, in a low-paid job, 2 DC under 3, in an abusive relationship and feeling utterly miserable and that I'd ruined my life. I'm 10 years on, finished my degree with the OU, at director level earning nearly £100k a year, the DC are old enough that they're good fun and if it hadn't been for lockdown I'd be married to my wonderful fiancé who is everything I could wish for in a relationship. It's really hard when you have a young child and you're on your own. Everything revolves around them and you have no time for yourself. Why not take up your degree again via distance learning? You can usually transfer credit if it's been less than 5 years so you don't necessarily have to start from scratch. Hang on in there.

I voted yanbu as in you're yanbu to be so hard on yourself!
You're still young! Now your son is almost at school life will get easier. Get yourself back to uni or retrain. You've got your whole life ahead of you and you can now crack on and focus on what you want to do.
Sorry you feel you've lost friends and are feeling lonely - life will change again.
The only thing your son will think is how amazing you are.
It can be positive to have kids young, I did it the other way round and I cant tell you how exhausted I am! I often feel guilty for not being more energetic and prancing around with the kids a bit more.
There is no such thing as a perfect life, trust me OP. Having your DS is the best thing ever, even if unplanned so please, enjoy him and start making plans for you.