To think I’ve fucked my entire life up.

[Paperlanterns2]

I got pregnant shortly after starting uni age 20, my ex partner became emotionally abusive during my pregnancy - it was like he had flicked a switch. I had to quit my degree (which I was getting decent marks in, and really enjoying!) to care for our DS full time. My ex partner was completely awful, I could write a book about all the horrible things he did to me and how badly he treated us.

My social life has entirely evaporated - I have gone from having a great life, friends, goals, interests, and a good future ahead, to a life of drudgery. I love DS, I really do, we have so much fun together (he is now 4) but I wish I could have had him ten years later, when my career was on track and hopefully I was with someone who didn’t turn out so horrible.

I am 25 now, and I feel so depressed at how little I’ve achieved in my life. It’s like living in a box - every day is the same, I wake up, look after DS, he goes to nursery some days so I can work (min wage job which I do not enjoy) then I pick him up and take him home, weekends we occasionally see friends or family and I plan lots of days out with DS which we both enjoy.. but I’m just not really happy with my life anymore I cry myself to sleep most nights, for as long as I can think back.

I’ve failed myself, I’m 25 and have no career, qualifications or even experience, and DS is stuck with a dad who’s absent most of the time, and me as a mum. I’m so ashamed of myself and how I’ve managed to ruin things and end up so unenthusiastic about everything. I dread when he’s old enough to realise how shit I am.

Thank you so much for all of the replies - I have just sorted DS’s breakfast and I am sitting down with a coffee now to read through them all properly! I’ll be back

Thank you for all the words of wisdom, kindness and advise

I only planned to take a gap year from uni and go back when DS would have been 1 - but I hesitated and put it off, I was quite worried about how I’d juggle things - until he was 2 he would wake up almost every hour of the night until around 3/4am thankfully he now sleeps through the night so I could have the evenings to do work etc.

My uni were brilliant and said if I wanted to return in the future I wouldn’t have to reapply and could just contact my module convener directly. I’d given up on the idea of studying but I have had a google and it looks like I could get 85% of childcare costs covered, and other financial support 🤞🏼

I was studying psychology, I wasn’t entirely sure what job I wanted after my degree but I’d have to do further training to specialise in something (psychotherapy possibly), I was in the process of volunteering for a counselling organisation who offered full training which felt like a really good step - but also had to stop that when I had DS, as I couldn’t commit to one evening a week anymore. Everything is a bit up in the air at the moment because of COVID but I know I should look into restarting this too

It’s funny looking back, because I remember finding out I was pregnant with DS and knowing I’d have a challenging few years ahead - but I felt confident at the time that I could manage it. But now I’m going through it I struggle to see the wood through the trees!

As doc brown says ‘If you put your mind to it. You can accomplish anything ‘

You’ve just done things in a different order that’s all
There’s masses of time for you to study and train for a fantastic career

@Owleyes16

I think your son will grow up and realise the exact opposite. His mother sacrificed her education, career, and social life, to raise him alone as a single mother after breaking with her abusive ex to give him the best start in life. She carried it all on her shoulders and she gave everything to her son. She even worked a job she hated to provide for him. She never quit. She loved him endlessly, as did her friends and family - a big, warm, loving support circle that carried him into adulthood. He remembers all the joy. And he is grateful. He is so proud of you and now has a beautiful relationship with you as an adult, and he's a wonderful husband to his own wife. He's grateful for his dad only in that he learned how not to be a partner and father. He's doing great, all thanks to you.

Thank you for this, it made me cry

You sound like a wonderful mum and while things haven't gone as you'd planned it doesn't mean it's 'worse'. I was on a path towards a medical career both before my kids and I tried again when they hit primary school (other obstacles rocked my plans). Long story short, I didn't achieve my original career I was so gutted (for years!). I focused on my kids who are now approaching the end of secondary school and ended up with a dream career very different from my medical dreams that I love. Just because it's not what you planned doesn't mean it's not where you need to be- I'm not usually one for thinking the universe has a plan but it did for me!

So, while I can completely understand how this can make you feel down, try to look at the positives you have an amazing son and you are still really young that you can shape your future.
To give you the alternative, I’m 30, have 2 degrees, a fantastic career which is really well paid, own my own house, married to a fantastic man. However what’s the one big thing missing? Children, we have been trying the past few years but it does not seem to happen. On the outside it looks like we have a great set up, however on the inside we are both broken because all we want is a child to share our life with. Looking back if given the choice, I would have much preferred to have a child at 20, no amount of career or money can give me the happiness that having a child will.
You can’t change what happened (nor would you actually really want to I think) but you can change your future. Don’t let it overwhelm you but try take small steps to improving the next few years ahead.

@ScrimpshawTheSecond

Oh, OP! I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

'Fucked up my entire life'. This is 'all or nothing' thinking. It's a depressive thinking style, which is to say that when we tell ourselves stories, with our internal narration, and we fall into common mistakes like this, we can end up depressed.

]]

Just noticing when we are falling into these habits or thought patterns can be incredibly liberating. If you notice yourself saying things like this, just ask - is this really true?

'my ex partner became emotionally abusive' - have you spoken to a professional, counsellor or therapist about this abuse? One doesn't just recover from it overnight, it needs attention.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/emotional-support-and-counselling/

'I’ve failed myself .... I dread when he’s old enough to realise how shit I am.'

You are articulate, intelligent, caring and ambitious, from what I can see from the little bit you've written here. You've had a rough time, you've done amazing things raising your son on your own - that is fucking heroic - You need some care and support and to know that this, too, will pass. We all have dark times and the chance to learn from them, grow and deepen our experience of being human. I think you'll be fine, OP. Genuinely.

The last two things I wanted to suggest are:

1. Get your bloods taken, check for low iron and low B vitamins. Both very common, both can lead to low mood.
2. Exercise, get outside daily. It makes a huge difference.

Wishing you all the very best.

I’m going to purchase this book on my kindle and give it a read, thank you for the recommendation.

I haven’t ever spoken to anyone about what I went through with my ex, but it was horrific, it’s difficult to put into words how hard it all was. I think I would probably benefit a lot from counselling or some form of therapy - although I function on a day to day basis, it’s in the back of my mind a lot, it’s like carrying a weight around on my back. Although I’m not in that situation with him anymore, and the dynamic is entirely different, I feel on ‘high alert’ much of the time which is exhausting. I suppose I got so used to waiting for the next horrible thing he did, my brain hasn’t quite gone back to normal by itself!

I‘ve actually suffered with very low iron previously which made me feel rubbish so I’m definitely going to try and get a blood test booked in - I’m not sure if they’re going ahead as normal at the moment, but hopefully! When my mood really dropped last month I looked into supplements and I take a B Complex, Magnesium, Vitamin D (on days there isn’t much sun) and they’ve definitely made a difference

I’ve piled on a bit of weight this year too - almost 2 stone 😬 - which definitely isn’t helping my mental state. I’m going to make a plan today re Uni/self care/health and getting a bit more fit and healthy Lockdown has definitely amplified the trapped/unhappy feeling, I know I’m not alone in finding it challenging. Me and DS used to go out exploring all the time, we still went for walks daily throughout lockdown but it’s not quite as exciting as activities/groups/days out - I’m sure things won’t feel so overwhelming and monotonous when the restrictions relax a bit more over time.

I do feel so lucky to have DS, he is so lovely, we have fun every day but I feel like it’s time to have a bit of my own life back now too!

My life was similar to yours, had DD at 22 no prospects, part time jobs, struggled for child care, very little money, life was hard and depressing and I felt that I'd ruined my DDs life and my own.
When DD started school full time I got a better job, I still struggled for child care, I saved for childcare costs to cover school holidays, used clubs run by the local council and it was a struggle.
Life will change for you as it did me as your DS gets older.
In my job I took every opportunity to get on training courses and better myself.
I eventually got a mortgage, worked my way up and life started to get easier.
Now I have nearly paid my mortgage off, my DD has 2 degrees and a really good job and has just bought her own home.
She had a great sense of the value of money and a great work ethic probably due to to seeing me plugging away and struggling but getting there with hard work.
My point is that it wont always be like this for you, life will change, dont give in, you're only 25 and have the rest of your life ahead of you and you can make your life better.
Look into going back into education and doing your degree, there us a lot of financial help out there, my sister did a degree and she has 2 DC.
Now is the time to be proactive, look on line, ring the local college or university and see what help there is.
You're DS will never think you're shit, when hes older he will think you did everything you could to give him a good life

Enjoy your ds while he's little because before you know it he'll be a big grunting teen and you'll have to drag him out for a walk lol. Honestly, everything will work out and as he gets older you'll find you have more time to go back studying if that's what you decide to do. Good luck with everything and try not to think that everything is messed up, you have the time and energy to enjoy your son which is worth so much. A career will wait but your son grows up and will need to less.

I'd suggest spatone or floradix as good iron supplements that are gentle on the stomach. And yes, self care is crucial. You know the expression about putting your oxygen mask on first?

Id also suggest trying your gp for anxiety/ptsd/depression. They might be able to refer you for counselling/CBT. Good luck!

As many other posters have said, you are honestly doing amazing.
I'm 27, was desperately in the same boat as you are, I have two children (19 and 23 I was) I ended up with PND after my first, had to leave my job.. Lost all motivation and was sad all the time.
I decided to go for it and apply for my last year of studying (done the other 2 years at 17 and 18 years old.) I got in, I won't be qualified until 28.5 years old.. But that's OK, because it's OK not to have your entire live planned and sorted by late 20s! We are so young!
I'll have my childcare paid for by my education place, can you look into this? I've found a wonderful childminder and between her and nursery I can study full time.
Believe me, honestly 3 years ago, I would have never ever believed I would be achieving what I am, believe in yourself.
And by the way, just to add, it sounds like your doing a brillaint job with your son!

You haven’t fucked your life up. You are 25, still so young with a fulfilling life and career ahead of you. You might have had your son earlier than you ever planned and his dad turned out to not be the person you thought he was, but you did what you needed to do at the time to make things work for you. You can still go back to uni and finish your degree, you’ll have funded childcare now which you can work around. It would be a juggling act but it isn’t impossible. Sort the career and eventually a better job will put you right back on track. Your social life will return too as you meet new people through uni/a new job.

A good friend of mine I did my PhD with only did her undergraduate degree in her mid 20s, she’s mid 30s now and her career is soaring (I had children in my 30s so my career is lagging behind hers now!). I was actually slightly older than her doing my phd anyway and I did my undergrad degree at 18.

It isn’t a race, you still have a lifetime to establish your career in something you love. You’ll get there.

My friend had a baby at 16, at the time it would have looked like she had messed her life up. Now, late 30s, she is a very well paid consultant, has a masters, and is starting her own business. She also has a great social life, holidays etc, as the period when her son would have affected those was done much earlier in life. She goes to festivals with her adult son.

Min wage job until 5 years ago. Got myself an entry level job at age 28 at a ‘professional’ organisation that promotes staff progression. Worked alongside colleagues who had various types of qualifications/jobs before joining the company such as teaching, IT, architecture, English, medicine etc, though entry level job only required customer service skills and good written communication skills. Applied and got a promotion 2 years ago (mat leave for 9 month before promotion). Applied and got a managerial position a year ago. If somebody would have told me in 2014 what my job role in 2020 would be, I would have either laughed in disbelief or been upset at their cruel sarcasm. The skills you have gained from doing part of a degree, from being a parent and from your current job is invaluable. Don’t sell yourself short.

It is not possible for anyone to 'ruin their life' at 25.

In a year your DS will be in school. Do your degree then. If you take the full maintenance loan and any benefit entitlements you might not be much worse off than you are in your part time min wage job, and giving yourself better prospects too.

That's what I did by the way, except I was older than you and am now doing a job I love.

I'm sorry you feel rubbish and I don't want to be flippant, but you don't want to still be saying that when you're 35. Draw a line under your abusive ex and four years of drudgery.

OMFGs, you'd done so well on your course that you don't even have to reapply? That's kudos, that is.

As for all the self-doubt stuff you've described, YABU! I see you're perked up by the replies, and I add mine to theirs - you are AMAZING!!! - you've broken the cycle of abuse, got a start, and that's HYEUUGGE.

But I have to wonder how much of your low self-esteem is the abuse speaking. So, please, also consider the Freedom Programme and/or Lundy's Why Does He Do That. Just to "de-programme" from what you've been fed these past few years.

You know what? I think, in the end, you're going to do better than your contemporaries who trod the "normal" path.

The rest is just finding out practicalities of which you had no reason to know before. So, consider this a mini-course - get on a learning curve about childcare, benefits, transferrable uni credits, etc - I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much further along you might already be!

Keep updating us - of all the MN freds I've read, this is one of the most "potential for happy ending" I've read. 💕

Apologies for paragraph fail #androidhatesmumsneg

Also, I have to ask something, OP, from you and some PPs in similar siruations. It's a pet query of mine. (don't feel the need to answer ME, but please do think on it)

To what extent was your pregnancy truly unplanned by you?

What was your birth control method?

Thanking you in advance.

Stop worrying about all this - you're 25 and you have your whole life ahead of you. Just start doing things for you, day by day, and start working towards what you want in life.

My mum was young, with two small kids, and got a degree going to night school and whilst working full time. (Not saying it's easy, but it's absolutely doable). I had a great role model, and it sounds as though your son does too. Put the past behind you, and focus on taking one step forwards tomorrow. In a few years, you'll have a whole new life and you won't even recognise the person who wrote your OP.

To offer another perspective I had an abortion at 16 which really broke my heart and then went to uni at 18. I had high hopes as did my family. I suffered from.mental health problems and drank far too much and my attendance was poor. In my opinion this was all linked to guilt and emotional issues related to my abortion and the relationship I was in. I scraped a third and have struggled with this my entire adult life as I wanted so much more for myself and hate that I left my family down.

I will often wonder if I would have been better to have had the baby, grown up a bit, then gone to uni as a mature student.

I am much older than you and happy now. I know that regrets are pointless. You haven't messed up.your whole.life, your whole life is ahead of you. Make of it whatever you like. Don't assume that going back to uni will complete you or.that anything else will. You are you, this is your life. Everyone, in every situation, wonders what it would have been like to make different choices but you have thousands more choices to make so focus on the future now rather than the past.

If just saw this on Facebook and instantly thought of your thread.

Could you try and restart this September/October? Call the uni and see. They are likely not to be full (Corvid and a fall in the number of 18 year olds)

Your son will be in school so it's great timing

You have one year full time to go before graduation? This time next year you could be in a totally different position - a graduate, starting a new graduate level job.

Psychology doesn't just mean working in therapy/counselling - having it as a degree opens up all sorts of possibilities (business, marketing, HR and others) so get started and also once you are back at uni make an appointment with careers service asap to discuss.

You can do it - and you can do it now.