To think I’ve fucked my entire life up.

[Paperlanterns2]

I got pregnant shortly after starting uni age 20, my ex partner became emotionally abusive during my pregnancy - it was like he had flicked a switch. I had to quit my degree (which I was getting decent marks in, and really enjoying!) to care for our DS full time. My ex partner was completely awful, I could write a book about all the horrible things he did to me and how badly he treated us.

My social life has entirely evaporated - I have gone from having a great life, friends, goals, interests, and a good future ahead, to a life of drudgery. I love DS, I really do, we have so much fun together (he is now 4) but I wish I could have had him ten years later, when my career was on track and hopefully I was with someone who didn’t turn out so horrible.

I am 25 now, and I feel so depressed at how little I’ve achieved in my life. It’s like living in a box - every day is the same, I wake up, look after DS, he goes to nursery some days so I can work (min wage job which I do not enjoy) then I pick him up and take him home, weekends we occasionally see friends or family and I plan lots of days out with DS which we both enjoy.. but I’m just not really happy with my life anymore I cry myself to sleep most nights, for as long as I can think back.

I’ve failed myself, I’m 25 and have no career, qualifications or even experience, and DS is stuck with a dad who’s absent most of the time, and me as a mum. I’m so ashamed of myself and how I’ve managed to ruin things and end up so unenthusiastic about everything. I dread when he’s old enough to realise how shit I am.

I can honestly understand how you feel op as I was pregnant at 18 with no qualifications to an abusive partner, I am now kicking on 30 and although at 21 I felt like you do now I have done so much in that time and picked myself up. For perspective, I am now at uni, learned to drive, went to college part time and then full time, had my own business for a time all the while being a single parent to sen dc.

This isn't the end for you at all, have you thought about returning to studies?, it is very possible to study fulltime with the support of benefits and childcare help. Even dip your toe in a part time course at college to get you warmed up and think about what to do longterm. There are access courses to get back into uni(terms and conditions apply depending where you are and what type of course at uni you would like to do). You ds will be at school soon which will be a great opportunity for you to make time for yourself for what you want. Don't give up on yourself op, mid twenties is nothing and so much can be done in only a few years.

Was your degree vocational? Would you have walked into a well-paid career? If not, now is your chance to qualify in something that you want to do which will result in a well-paid career.

HRTT, but I fell pregnant during uni, and the father was emotionally abusive. Took me 12 years to realise. After having a 2nd dc, and almost marrying, we split soon after my 30th. I had a mortgage to pay (that he'd maxed to the hilt and spent) and paid no child support, so I had to stop my well-paid job that didn't have many hours, for one that gave me 16 hours and shitty pay so I could claim tax credits. Two years, one nightmare lodger and several dodgy internet dates later, I met a wonderful DH.

He got kicked out of his place 2 months after we met, so we both took a risk and he moved in. A year after that we had a baby and started planning our wedding. 4 months after the birth, I got 'flu and didn't recover. I was bedbound for two years. Eventually, realising I was going to have to quit my career, I did a degree with the OU from my bed.

Through studying, we had another child, and five years after it started, I had some surgery which weirdly but brillantly, sparked a recovery. Shortly after that, my son decided to go and live with his father, so we didn't see him for a year, which nearly killed me mentally and emotionally.

But he did come back eventually. And as I finished my degree, and I'd signed up to do a MA, I met a director who asked me to produce his film and my husband to edit it. Now we've finished that we're starting our own production company and next month we're co-directing our first two shorts together.

SO - you can do it. Whatever it is you want to do, you can do it. Make it happen. Work hard. And just keep swimming.

I’ve failed myself, I’m 25 and have no career, qualifications or even experience, and DS is stuck with a dad who’s absent most of the time, and me as a mum. I’m so ashamed of myself and how I’ve managed to ruin things and end up so unenthusiastic about everything. I dread when he’s old enough to realise how shit I am

I am 29 this year. From 18 to 25 I was in a DV relationship. I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. He isnt allowed to contact any of us due to a court order so we have had a peaceful few years. I had a job and was at college when i met him. I don't have any qualifications and havnt worked for years now.

I fled DV when my baby was 8 months old, I spent time in a hostel, spent 2.2 years in temporary housing and finally got my own house. I moved away from my family and friends I have spent the last 2 1/2 years recovering from the abuse that man put me through. I still havnt recovered completely. But I do love myself now and I am proud of how much I have achieved in these past few years

The thought of College and university has overwhelmed me for years but this year I took the bullet and rang up about an access course. I don't have the qualifications needed unfortunately but I've applied to do my maths/English so in the future I can do the access course.

3 years ago I never thought I'd be applying for college again and wanting to do somthing with my life, I'm panicking im not smart enough, but if i dont tale the leap ill never know will i?

It's no wonder your unenthusiastic, youve had a shit time. It takes time to recover from it. But you have to start by being kind to yourself,

I promise you now things will get better for you but you have to help yourself too

You can do it, your still young and I bet your a lovely mum to your child's your just overwhelmed with everything that's happened x

@Owleyes16

I think your son will grow up and realise the exact opposite. His mother sacrificed her education, career, and social life, to raise him alone as a single mother after breaking with her abusive ex to give him the best start in life. She carried it all on her shoulders and she gave everything to her son. She even worked a job she hated to provide for him. She never quit. She loved him endlessly, as did her friends and family - a big, warm, loving support circle that carried him into adulthood. He remembers all the joy. And he is grateful. He is so proud of you and now has a beautiful relationship with you as an adult, and he's a wonderful husband to his own wife. He's grateful for his dad only in that he learned how not to be a partner and father. He's doing great, all thanks to you.

This post is brilliant and brought a tear to my eye.

You sound like an amazing mum OP. Soon DS will be at school and you may find you have more time to pursue your own dreams. You’re young, you have decades ahead of you, you can be whatever you want.

A girl I know was due to go to university, indending to train to teach, but got pregnant at the start of the summer holidays after A levels and didn't go.

She had her daughter, and her ex-boyfriend (he was ex when she got pregnant) moved to New Zealand with his parents.

She got a job in a local department store, part time at first, then more hours when her child went to nursery then school. By the time her daughter was 8 and she was 26, she was an assistant manager of the store.

Then she met up with an old school friend and married him within a year. They had a child. When that child started school, she began to volunteer in school, hearing children read etc.

Roll forward to now. She is 39, a qualified primary teacher, teaching in a school she loves, with a lovely husband and two wonderful daughters.

She got there. It just took a bit longer than the original plan.

You have absolutely not ruined your life. It has just taken a diversion.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you have plenty of time to turn your life around. Once ds is in school, and you have a bit more time to yourself, you can start following some sort of plan to get you sorted.

Would you like to go back to Uni and finish your degree?
Would like to do something else?

If you think about it now, then look into the options that are available (and they are, really they are) you can formulate a loose plan on how to get yourself there.

Good luck, don't give up, "this too shall pass", you won't feel blocked forever.

Looking after a baby aged 20 is such an achievement! You’re probably a lot more mature than most and you’ll see the benefits of that once you get a chance to develop your career. It sounds like you’re ready to change things up and put yourself first now that your son is getting older.

Your son will be in school soon?? which will hopefully give you lots of opportunity to develop your career, returning to uni part time or whatever else you can do to pave out a more enjoyable working like. Maybe you could reach out to other parents who have done this.

Socially school could help you too, some of the other mums could be willing to babysit every now and then to give you a chance to get out.

Sounds like you’re at a turning point. Good luck!

P.S. I don’t think you’re being fair on yourself to dwell on your expartner not being around much. You can only control what you can control

Heavens! No, you're good. Have a virtual (((hug))).

I didn't want to vote either way, as it's irrelevant.

First off, it's not your 'entire life'! It's still all before you. You're so young. You don't have to do things in the same order as everyone else.

Second, if for this brief period your son is your focus, make the most of it. So precious, this time when they are becoming themselves. This sounds like Pollyanna, but honestly it will be over before you know it.

Third - what everyone above says about educational opportunities. It's going to be more open and unjudgmental than ever, thanks to Covid.

Fourth
What are you blaming yourself for anyway? Being female? Being a human being? Sounds as if there's a bit of cultural stigma somewhere there, working its poison: please resist it. It's not sinful, you're not a bad person - on the contrary, you should be proud of what you've achieved so far. And more power to you!

You're being terribly hard on yourself. Through choice and chance, you've found yourself in a particular set of circumstances and you're trying your hardest to make the best of them. To accuse yourself of being a failure at 25 is just...wrong (at any age, frankly; there's nearly always hope).

Contrary to your claim, you have a wealth of experience. Much of it, admittedly, hasn't been pleasant but you've survived and not only have you survived, you've managed to insulate your son from its negative effects, for which you deserve enormous credit. "I love DS, I really do, we have so much fun together." A happy 4-year-old sounds like a success story to me, and if you and your son are enjoying each other's company to this extent, he will never, ever regard you as "shit". Children are often far more discerning than we give them credit for. With the passage of time, he'll come to appreciate how difficult life has been for you, and how good a job you've made of it, and him.

Last word: easy to say - really easy to say! - but ditch DS's father as soon as you practically can. He sounds like a dick.

You haven't ruined your life! I bet if asked your DS loves you more than anything on earth.

I too left uni at 21 due to the unexpected arrival of my DD. At 25 I had left an abusive relationship and was a single parent to a 4 year old, in a crappy job. No social life exc

When DD was a couple of years older I was able to get a bit more sorted. Now I have a good job, a lovely relationship etc.
It can happen so never give up.
Plus you are the cool young mum in the playground!

I did the whole uni and career thing. I’m mid 30s with young children and I’m now retraining for a different career as the one I chose as a teenager doesn’t fit in with family life! You have the advantage of choosing a career that works for you from the word go. If you did a distance learning uni course you’d be surprised how many people are in a similar situation to you. It might be good for your self esteem and provide you with a whole new support network and focus.

You are so young. Can you pick up your degree where you left off?

It's never too late to start all over again. Your DS is 4 now and you have done the hardest part all on your own. I did all the stuff you did 10 years later with a career and a husband and I still struggle. You are a strong woman and you have a lifetime ahead of you. People decide to make career changes or go to uni later in life. You can do that again. Do you have your family's support? Uni courses aren't long and are quite flexible in terms of a few days a week and 3 hour classes. You can still get help and do a part time job and complete a degree. It's not too late 💐

You’re only 25 and have you’re whole life ahead! Please don’t feel ashamed of yourself, you need to stop that. I have a friend who was in a similar situation to yourself and she’s really turned her life around, you have time on your side.

You have definitely not fucked up your entire life. Absolutely not, you're only 25. I haven't read the full thread but could you leave the abusive arse, leave your job and go back to uni?

You will get help that way, I am 28 single mum, I am going into my 3rd year of uni and manage to get by in a nice little house and I can just spend my time concentrating on studying rather than having to work part time

By the time I'm finished I'll be 32 as hoping to do my masters in social work and I still consider that young.

You have plenty of time, you are clearly intelligent and you sound like a great mum, you don't have to live this way anymore.

It will be difficult even taking that first step but so so worth it. I hope you have some real life support

Please don’t think that! You are still so young with your whole life ahead of you. Having a child young does not mean the end of your life. Enquire about finishing your degree, there are so many opportunities and a lot of support available these days. Nothing is impossible. Go for it!

Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so shit. You are NOT shit. You sound like a loving and caring mum and your DS is always going to know that. You were smart enough to get out of an abusive relationship no doubt to protect your DS as well as yourself. So don’t take that kind of decision lightly. It’s an amazing one. If you’re unhappy and without friends, there are ways you can get that part of your life back. It’s good that you have childcare. Maybe you could look into a hobby, something food or book or fitness related? Whatever interests you, you’ll meet new people and I’m sure you’ll start to feel more confident about yourself and friendships will happen. Reach out to people from your past too, if you want to! See if you can rely on real life support to undertake a qualification perhaps. Now is the best time in your life to think about what you’d really love to do - trust me you’re still so young!!

But if you take anything away from this please please stop feeling like you have messed up in life (I mean haven’t we all?!) but seriously, it may sound like a cliche but your whole life is still ahead of you!

On the flip side you’re still young . Even though in an ideal world you would have planned a baby for later once your son starts school life will get easier and you’ll have more options.

You can’t go back so best not to dwell on how things could have been.

Op 25 is nothing. Your education and career has been stalled, but you have a beautiful DS to show for it and what's more, you will still be young when he's potentially independent.
I could give you many examples of people I know who haven't had the start they planned, but picked things up in their mid to late twenties and are doing very well a decade later.
Get your son settled into school whenever that is, maybe it's September? Have another look at uni. As a single parent you will be entitled to some financial assistance, and the help is out there for you.
I can understand why you feel like you do, but you have plenty of time to pick yourself up.

Congratulations on your son and your escape from ex. These are massive achievements to have by 25 - many of us took a lot longer to get free.
Your child will be going to school full-time in September, all being well. This is the perfect time to work on yourself - ring your local universities tomorrow to ask about your options, whether starting where you left off or beginning again.
Funnily enough, I've often thought my life has been harder for having my children rather late on. I shall be quite elderly by the time they all leave home!

You have sacrificed so much for your son - nobody in the right mind would think you are "shit".

I think things are going to turn a corner for you when he starts school, which is very soon. Once he's in school you could go back to uni. Contact the university (or whichever one is local to you now) and ask them how it works. There will probably be financial aid available as well since you are only on minimum wage.

Life can feel very stressful when you are young if things haven't gone to plan. I remember the guilt I felt throughout my late teens and 20s as my life wasn't following the path it was suppposed to (I massively f'd up!). Like you I have an irresponsible ex - pays no maintenance, contact is occasional, sporadic phone calls. However having children spurred me on to qualify in a profession, and I've completed 2 degrees since having my children and now earn very good money abroad. I am able to financially provide a good standard of living for my family - great education and a varied lifestyle with lots of travel (well, pre-covid anyway!). I'm now much more able to accept the life choices I've made - I cringe at my terrible ones, but I don't dwell on them, and to put my efforts into affecting positive change in my future. Honestly, things will get easier, think sensibly about a degree that will lead to a job you can see working alongside your parenting responsibilities. Don't give up, and please give yourself a break! You can't change the past, but you can the future.

Hate it when the op never comes back to comment on the thread they started but if you are still reading I want to say.... I was at college, doing a course I loved. Fell pregnant and eventually quit the course. Ex was an arse. I had a min wage job... Which I felt i couldn't quit as it paid the bills. Time passed and I felt it was too late to go back and start again doing what I wanted to do.... I'm 43 now... It is probably too late for me to start afresh. You are 25. With many, many years ahead of you. Go and do what makes you happy, find a way. There will be a way, look into benefits. Go finish your course. Before it really is too late and you regret it for the rest of your days. Make a better life for you and your child. It will be harder with a child but rarely impossible. Good luck. Xx

I've not voted but I wanted to say that there three things...

1. You are brilliant to have given your son all of you and worked so hard to make his life good. Kids don;t actually need a lot in terms of financial things, they just need consistency and love etc, which your son has.

2. You are NOT responsible for your crappy ex, it is totally his fault, and not your fault at all.

3. There is still time to turn you life around in terms of career or studies etc.

You are probably still young enough to get some careers advice, and I think you might be able to access help with child care or whatever to enable you to do whatever you want in the future.

Connect with old friends as twilightermummy says, as CupoTeap says, "Oh sweetheart have a good cry, get it all out. Type out the worst you think it is.

Then tomorrow start a plan. You can change things."

Good luck, you are a brilliant person and your soon will love you for all you have done for him.