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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be disappointed by this 40th birthday gift from my friends?

408 replies

bdaydisappoint · 25/07/2020 19:43

Basically, I've known this particular group of 8 friends including me since school (almost 30 years now!!) and I'm the last of the group to hit the big 40. We had a lovely socially distanced picnic in the park yesterday where they excitedly gave me... a gift box full of Tropic stuff.

One of the girls has recently become a Tropic ambassador and honestly, she's become quite obsessed. It feels like every conversation winds back to Tropic somehow and she keeps asking everyone if they'd like to host pamper parties (so much fun and a great chance to catch up with wine if nothing else! Hmm). I dislike all MLM type selling on principle so have always excused myself from the parties (all via Zoom in this covid-19 world). However, I haven't outright told her I'm not interested, so tbf she won't know my true feelings on it.

There's two reasons I feel a bit let down. Firstly, it's just so generic and impersonal. For all of the other girls' 40ths, we've tried to give gifts personal to the birthday girl in question e.g. the gin lover got a fancy gin masterclass, the musical theatre fan got tickets to a West End show (obviously these were pre-pandemic), the avid reader got a book subscription etc etc. A skin care set just isn't, well, 'me' really. I'm not especially into beauty stuff and I've never expressed a desire to try tropic. Secondly, it just irks me that my Tropic selling friend has probably got paid commission and this might be the main reason for the gift choice. It's not about the money (knowing how expensive Tropic stuff is, I think they've actually spent a lot! Blush) it's more the lack of thought considering we've made an effort to do personal presents for everyone else. And also having MLM products forced upon me when I've been actively avoiding them! Sad

AIBU and a horrible, terrible and ungrateful friend? Or am I right to feel disappointed by this? For info, I tried not to let my feelings show and did thank them all. In the end, it was a minor blip in what was otherwise a truly wonderful day.

OP posts:
winniestone37 · 26/07/2020 17:49

No that’s a crap present! As above regift back to them and be clear how much you dislike the whole Tropical thing as tone goes on.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/07/2020 17:52

I have a relative who flogs MLM stuff and the best advice I can give is to develop an allergy! I actually am allergic to the tat my relative flogs, but even if I wasn't I would pretend I was!

The really sad thing here is that MLM Friend won't be making money from this (very, very few ever do), so her friends who wanted to help her haven't managed that, as well as you getting a disappointing gift. Getting one sale will get her hopes up enough to make her order in new stock and so the cycle begins. MLM friend will have to work her own way out of it(and will be unreachable until that happens), but pointing your friends towards this blog might help them to understand how best to deal with the situation; ellebeaublog.com/poonique/ .

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 26/07/2020 17:53

How utterly crass of your friends.

MLM turns people into money grabbing robots

FelicisNox · 26/07/2020 18:00

YANBU and the pandmic is no excuse furlough or not.

If each person was on a tight budget and they put a tenner in that's £80 for a decent personalised gift, even if it was for an experience voucher to be used at a later date I.e meal out, pamper session etc.

Considering the effort spent on previous gifts I think this was lazy, thoughtless and opportunistic.

That's one for the regift cupboard.

I know it's been a difficult few months for everyone but when the world is your gift giving oyster online they should have done way better but well done you for staying classy.

Try not to dwell.

Fayelina · 26/07/2020 18:01

Sorry Op you are YANBU and it’s the thoughtlessness that’s the issue. I love quite a few Tropic products so they could make great Christmas presents, if you do buy gifts for others, regift. Happy Birthday.

IncrediblySadToo · 26/07/2020 18:11

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0

BessMarvin: I didn't accuse the OP of stamping her feet. I just tried to encourage her to appreciate what she has. We are living in difficult times at the moment. Surely friends and companionship are more important than a gift!
Yes and she has already acknowledged that!!

She's allowed to be sad that her gift (unlike everyone else's) was thoughtless MLM stuff.

TW10Mum · 26/07/2020 18:16

YANBU

I would hate that! If you can, try to let them know it’s not for you and can you ‘send’ it back? Food bank otherwise!

I have a friend who is new to Arbonne and invites us to parties all the time. I told her about a cult like presentation I was tricked into going to and some of the horror stories I read about ..... she says it’s not true and it’s not even MLM. I’ve managed to avoid any more parties and didn’t take up the offer of £240 for a month of their healthy living detox teas!!!

Miraf1 · 26/07/2020 18:22

40+ year old "girls"? When might you become women? In reality, you haven't been a girl for at least 22 years.

gamerchick · 26/07/2020 18:27

Oh dry up. I'm heading for 50 and still say girls. Going away with the women doesn't have the same ring to it Hmm

consfusedandlookingforwine · 26/07/2020 18:27

They obviously like the rubbish ( I got given some and it’s awful) so split it up and give it back to them for Christmas.

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 18:30

@gamerchick

Oh dry up. I'm heading for 50 and still say girls. Going away with the women doesn't have the same ring to it Hmm
No, it sounds like something a slightly pervy male would say, tbh
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 26/07/2020 18:33

To get a near unanimous YANBU nowadays, particularly on such a touchy subject as not liking a birthday gift, is practically unheard of. YANBU by the way.

somthinginthewoodshed · 26/07/2020 18:59

You are right to be disappointed but put it on EBay and at least get something back for it.

MyWitzEnd · 26/07/2020 19:02

Blame her and not the others. They are probably equally horrified :-(

Ezzabean · 26/07/2020 19:35

My DH’s family always do this, a couple of them are part of an mlm scheme & the gifts we get are either from their schemes or one of their friends schemes. Very impersonal cuz it feels like they are just trying to benefit themselves with the commission.
They buy off their friends so their friends will, in turn, buy off them. Sounds ungrateful but I find it really annoying! So no, YANBU at all.

karalou2 · 26/07/2020 20:11

Sorry to be so 'old' about this, but what is MLM? It's probably really obvious but I'm just no good at guessing what initials stand for!
As for the gift - at best it was insensitive on your 40th, especially during lockdown. They should have made a lot more effort. Shame on your other friends for allowing themselves to be bulldozed into getting you something so un-special.
I'm nearly 70 and still remember the disappointment of my 40th. I was always front and centre in arranging special birthdays and anniversaries. As my 40th drew near, I was impressed at how secretive everyone was being in arranging my big day. Until the end of the day when absolutely nothing had happened. Nothing. Not even a little birthday tea. So I really, really understand your disappointment. I think you should pluck up the courage and say something though. I didn't.
When the next birthday in the group is due, just say that you understood how things might have been difficult during lockdown but please not to ask you to contribute to such an easy gift for someone else. Try and get your disappointment across. Or say brightly that you're thinking of starting to sell Tupperware and can you count on them to get 'Mary-Jane's' birrhday present from you.....

LovelyIssues · 26/07/2020 20:19

That is disappointing for you OP. YANBU

Aworldofmyown · 26/07/2020 20:26

Yanbu, although I have heard good things about Tropic stuff and of all the Mlm groups I don't think its horrendous. You may find something in there you like 😃 I've been tempted by one of the foot care sets!!

BSintolerant · 26/07/2020 20:37

@karalou2 MLM is Multilevel Marketing, also known as Network Marketing. MLMs are thinly disguised pyramid schemes. This is a fascinating piece of undercover journalism which investigates two MLMs - the interview with the cult expert is fascinating:

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p076n2hg

The Direct Sellers Association (DSA) which regulates MLMs wants to move away from the negative MLM label by referring to MLM as “Direct Sales.” Good luck to them.

Arrivederla · 26/07/2020 20:43

@Aworldofmyown

Yanbu, although I have heard good things about Tropic stuff and of all the Mlm groups I don't think its horrendous. You may find something in there you like 😃 I've been tempted by one of the foot care sets!!
The products themselves are nice (I also have a friend who's an MLM bot!) but I don't think that's the real issue here.
Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 20:47

It's hardly relevant that Tropic aren't as bad as some of the other MLM's, is it? The principle remains the same.

Dexysmidnightstroller · 26/07/2020 21:01

I have seen this happen so many times over the years - people who get jobs on commission eg Avon or estate agents etc get obsessed by it, and gradually they lose sight of every boundary between work and friends and family. They start to do things like ask for introductions when it’s not appropriate, pressure people to use them for whatever service it is, and as your friend has done seize on the chance of a sale at any moment. She would have put the others in an impossible or at least embarrassing position by saying “I’ve got this great idea she can have XX for a bargain!” And no one wants to call her out on it. So don’t be offended by the others, and in future use great caution with her.

Serin · 26/07/2020 21:29

Oh God, that is really cringy of her. You didnt get a wonderful gift OP but you have a hundred times more class than them and handled it with complete dignity.
Ebay the crappy overscented muck and buy something you really want.

Happy 40th bdaydisappoint.Flowers

YouokHun · 26/07/2020 21:42

Aworldofmyown:
Yanbu, although I have heard good things about Tropic stuff and of all the Mlm groups I don't think its horrendous. You may find something in there you like 😃 I've been tempted by one of the foot care sets

Actually talking about the products or rating ‘badness’ of the MLM by the quality of the products is to miss the point. The problems are a creation of the business model used. So whether it’s Tropic or Younique the potential to be misled and to lose money is high. Each MLM uses a different language to explain their set up and a bamboozling plethora of information and unfathomable compensation structures to position themselves as open and honest but essentially they have a system that relies on the distributor being a good customer and uplines are rewarded on purchases their downlines make (not sales the make to outside customers). From the outside it looks like it’s all about sales of product but it is actually almost impossible to make any money for selling product. Some do make some money but not consistently and generally nothing that could be called more than pocket money. The rare big earners my not touch the products at all and make money by recruiting people. But that’s not how it’s sold to people of course and the obscuring of the truth and the losses for the majority is true of all of them.

Aworldofmyown · 26/07/2020 22:05

I meant that as in not being a completely rubbish product for the OP birthday gift. Not MLM companies as a whole.

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