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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be disappointed by this 40th birthday gift from my friends?

408 replies

bdaydisappoint · 25/07/2020 19:43

Basically, I've known this particular group of 8 friends including me since school (almost 30 years now!!) and I'm the last of the group to hit the big 40. We had a lovely socially distanced picnic in the park yesterday where they excitedly gave me... a gift box full of Tropic stuff.

One of the girls has recently become a Tropic ambassador and honestly, she's become quite obsessed. It feels like every conversation winds back to Tropic somehow and she keeps asking everyone if they'd like to host pamper parties (so much fun and a great chance to catch up with wine if nothing else! Hmm). I dislike all MLM type selling on principle so have always excused myself from the parties (all via Zoom in this covid-19 world). However, I haven't outright told her I'm not interested, so tbf she won't know my true feelings on it.

There's two reasons I feel a bit let down. Firstly, it's just so generic and impersonal. For all of the other girls' 40ths, we've tried to give gifts personal to the birthday girl in question e.g. the gin lover got a fancy gin masterclass, the musical theatre fan got tickets to a West End show (obviously these were pre-pandemic), the avid reader got a book subscription etc etc. A skin care set just isn't, well, 'me' really. I'm not especially into beauty stuff and I've never expressed a desire to try tropic. Secondly, it just irks me that my Tropic selling friend has probably got paid commission and this might be the main reason for the gift choice. It's not about the money (knowing how expensive Tropic stuff is, I think they've actually spent a lot! Blush) it's more the lack of thought considering we've made an effort to do personal presents for everyone else. And also having MLM products forced upon me when I've been actively avoiding them! Sad

AIBU and a horrible, terrible and ungrateful friend? Or am I right to feel disappointed by this? For info, I tried not to let my feelings show and did thank them all. In the end, it was a minor blip in what was otherwise a truly wonderful day.

OP posts:
bdaydisappoint · 26/07/2020 14:20

@Atadaddicted Put it like this - I think I may know you!

Omg, Becki is that you???

Hahahaha, no, nice try but I don’t think so!

OP posts:
bdaydisappoint · 26/07/2020 14:22

Wow thanks for the replies, everyone! It looks like this really struck a chord with some people and I do feel better knowing lots of people understand how I feel. And looks like I’m not the only one who was gifted MLM products for a big birthday!

Just to add a few more points to close this off as I think the answer is pretty clear:

  • I don’t think I’m esp hard to buy for, but then I probably would think that, wouldn’t I? [smiles]. I have a number of interests and hobbies they know about and they’ve been spot on with this sort of thing in the past.
  • @ANutAsBigAsABoulder asked By any chance are you normally the person in the group who suggests and researches the thoughtful presents? I think those are the people who can get the raw end of a deal in a friendship group present cycle. And yes, I am! It’s me and another girl who are the main organisers of the group. My co-organiser friend is going through a difficult time right now, so filling in the blanks, I can only imagine Tropic friend took over.
  • At least one person asked what their faces looked like when they gave the pressie. Tbh, I don’t remember as I was so flabbergasted and was focussing all my efforts on arranging my face into a huge smile, I didn’t take in how most of the group were reacting. Tropic friend started reeling off the benefits of the various products though, so she was definitely very excited by it.
  • It’s possible they chose this because of covid-19 and the difficulties around celebrating big events right now.
OP posts:
bdaydisappoint · 26/07/2020 14:23

And finally, I just want to say, I do love these girls, I wouldn’t be friends with them for so long if not. We’ve been through a lot together over the last few decades and ironically, despite the clear influence of my Tropic friend here, she’s the one who I can absolutely rely on to have my back where it counts. We’ve supported each other through some really tough times and I wouldn’t want to be without her. For that reason, even though the present was irritating, it’s such a small thing in the scheme of our friendship that I won’t hold it against her.

But venting a bit to internet strangers has helped enormously, so thank you! She does get a bit obsessive about stuff, so the more I think about it, the more I just feel worried about her than anything else (she texted this morning asking if I’d tried any of the products yet and if I’d be interested in hosting a party as I could get even more stuff…!) Someone in the thread suggested I read the Elle Beau Poonique story which I did and even though I don’t think Tropic is anything at all like Younique in the crazy pressure to reach sales targets etc I’m just going to keep an eye on my friend as I want to make sure she’s OK.

Thanks again, everyone!

OP posts:
LoafingLiz · 26/07/2020 14:47

she texted this morning asking if I’d tried any of the products yet and if I’d be interested in hosting a party as I could get even more stuff…!)

You need to nip this in the bud. Tell her you've had a reaction so you WON'T be interested in getting any more!

OliviaBenson · 26/07/2020 14:55

Eeeek, have you replied to her text?!!

acatcalledjohn · 26/07/2020 14:58

she texted this morning asking if I’d tried any of the products yet and if I’d be interested in hosting a party as I could get even more stuff…!

There's the proof that the gift was solely to rope you in to Tropic as a customer.

Tell her that as far as you're concerned parties mean food, drink, dancing, music and catching up with friends rather than hawking some overpriced product. If it involves an attempt to sell it's not a party.

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 15:01

she texted this morning asking if I’d tried any of the products yet and if I’d be interested in hosting a party as I could get even more stuff…!)
What sort of bonehead gives someone a gift and then tries to sell them more of it?
If she's really a good friend of yours I'd be really passed off at this.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 26/07/2020 15:02

I’m just going to keep an eye on my friend as I want to make sure she’s OK.

^^ That is what being a good friend looks like, OP - good luck to you both.

Spongebobette · 26/07/2020 15:10

Good god I know she’s a friend but at the moment she sees you as a ‘mark’ I’m afraid

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 15:12

Why do you think your friend isn't ok, op? Of course she's ok, she's just disrespecting you..

SecretWitch · 26/07/2020 15:27

I’m sorry, op. You friend is being shit using you to up sell her product. I would be tempted to tell her those items caused an allergic reaction and let her know you will be posting them on eBay,

Most people have worked out what skin care works for them. It would never occur to me to buy random products and foist them on a friend as a “present”.

YouokHun · 26/07/2020 15:27

Well she’s not OK @Thisismytimetoshine because though you’re right, it’s poor behaviour, its also worrying to see a friend disappear down a cultish rabbit hole that when she emerges will have damaged her finances, social capital and self worth (seen it too many times). One could argue that it’s her fault but these MLMs are very good at obscuring the realities, telling the prospect they’re different from the others, hiding the real numbers, pressing the right buttons and pulling people in, not by promises of “get rich quick” but by effectively grooming people by boosting their ego and creating a very enticing sense of support and affirmation to keep people in the club and reinvesting. When she leaves that may fall away very quickly and that friendly upline will turn pretty quick, others she thought were friends will turn too, and it can be very damaging to people, especially as there is some personal vulnerability in the first place which leads them into MLM. I would worry too.

OP, there’s good advice on the Botwatch blog about dealing with someone pulled into a trading scheme.

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 15:29

Jesus, it sounds like a cult. How do intelligent people get sucked into this?

MLMsuperfan · 26/07/2020 15:32

she texted this morning asking if I’d tried any of the products yet and if I’d be interested in hosting a party as I could get even more stuff…!)

Sorry but your friend has hijacked your milestone birthday gift for this nonsense. She's being a very poor friend at this moment.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 26/07/2020 15:34

It wasnt a present to you OP. It was a present to Tropic Friend.

Spongebobette · 26/07/2020 15:57

Had a quick look at the Tropic website
You can buy products directly from the website so why would anyone buy through a rep?
If you become an unsalaried rep (sorry, ambassador) you get 25% commission on sales so presumably if you love the products it’s worthwhile joining and getting products you want for yourself at a discount

It’s not a business in any sense of the word

Spongebobette · 26/07/2020 15:58

Oh and free delivery too, so again why buy through a rep

Spongebobette · 26/07/2020 16:00

Oh no hang on you have to name your ‘ambassador’ when you order

vintageyoda · 26/07/2020 16:04

YANBU OP, I completely agree with all the others who say your Tropic friend hijacked your big birthday. Well done for being gracious. Now you can sell it on eBay and buy yourself something you like.

robotcow · 26/07/2020 16:17

Op what did you reply? You really need to pita stop to this now

Wowthisisreal · 26/07/2020 16:19

YANBU that would really upset me.

ChicCroissant · 26/07/2020 16:25

I really would be tempted to reply to that text saying no, I haven't tried them because I've never had an interest in them and I certainly wouldn't want any more of it!

Or approach another one of the group to see if it can be returned to the seller via them rather than you IYSWIM. You could do with someone in the group saying they've had second thoughts about this.

faybelle · 26/07/2020 17:43

You are so lucky to have 8 friends you have known for 30 years thats a gift in itself, think about the bigger picture instead

Diva66 · 26/07/2020 17:48

YANBU, I’d feel exactly the same. I’d rather have a £5 book token than £100 spent on ‘beauty products’ I probably wouldn’t even use. Well done for not showing your feelings to your friends.

MummyJ12 · 26/07/2020 17:49

YANBU, absolutely not. I really feel for you OP. Flowers Could you maybe respond to the text with “I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to say anything at the time, but I can’t use any of it because I’m completely allergic”?! If she’s a true friend she’ll arrange for something else more appropriate and thoughtful instead? I’m allergic to most of that kind of stuff, my skin becomes red, hot and swollen when I use it. It’ll also get you out of the “host a party” pressure...... wishing you lots of luck and belated happy birthday wishes!