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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be disappointed by this 40th birthday gift from my friends?

408 replies

bdaydisappoint · 25/07/2020 19:43

Basically, I've known this particular group of 8 friends including me since school (almost 30 years now!!) and I'm the last of the group to hit the big 40. We had a lovely socially distanced picnic in the park yesterday where they excitedly gave me... a gift box full of Tropic stuff.

One of the girls has recently become a Tropic ambassador and honestly, she's become quite obsessed. It feels like every conversation winds back to Tropic somehow and she keeps asking everyone if they'd like to host pamper parties (so much fun and a great chance to catch up with wine if nothing else! Hmm). I dislike all MLM type selling on principle so have always excused myself from the parties (all via Zoom in this covid-19 world). However, I haven't outright told her I'm not interested, so tbf she won't know my true feelings on it.

There's two reasons I feel a bit let down. Firstly, it's just so generic and impersonal. For all of the other girls' 40ths, we've tried to give gifts personal to the birthday girl in question e.g. the gin lover got a fancy gin masterclass, the musical theatre fan got tickets to a West End show (obviously these were pre-pandemic), the avid reader got a book subscription etc etc. A skin care set just isn't, well, 'me' really. I'm not especially into beauty stuff and I've never expressed a desire to try tropic. Secondly, it just irks me that my Tropic selling friend has probably got paid commission and this might be the main reason for the gift choice. It's not about the money (knowing how expensive Tropic stuff is, I think they've actually spent a lot! Blush) it's more the lack of thought considering we've made an effort to do personal presents for everyone else. And also having MLM products forced upon me when I've been actively avoiding them! Sad

AIBU and a horrible, terrible and ungrateful friend? Or am I right to feel disappointed by this? For info, I tried not to let my feelings show and did thank them all. In the end, it was a minor blip in what was otherwise a truly wonderful day.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/07/2020 10:58

A really thoughtless gift OP, where the seller saw you not as a friend but just as an opportunity.

Hard to believe all other 7 friends went a long with it.

She must be very pushy.

I think the text from @Arrivederla is very good, if nothing else it will give the girls an out for future pressure.

Skincare is deeply personal and I can't imagine ever presuming to know the preferences of my friends.

Happy birthday!

Gawdzilla · 26/07/2020 11:00

Incentive awards including luxury trips.
25% commission on orders.
No wonder its so expensive!

localgarden · 26/07/2020 11:21

For all those in this thread with a friend just about to embark on their mlm journey, those that are starting to get cryptic messages about their "fantastic business opportunity", please please just make your thoughts clear on this from the start. Shut them down straight away. Send them a link to the Elle Beau blog/BBC documentary.

I did this to my friend. And she's not really bugging me, so can't complain too much. She got the message. However I think they are coached into believing "A "no" just means a "not yet"
Every so often I get a link to a Zoom meeting. Or a link to a cream that will help my eczema/weight loss/weight gain whatever.

Just stay strong. You might think that purchasing even one small item helps to show support. But it doesn't. It just make the problem bigger in the long wrong

Figgygal · 26/07/2020 11:28

Yanbu op I would feel the same
Tropic bot is crap friend

MrDarcysMa · 26/07/2020 11:28

I was ready to say you're being a brat but I would be very diaspointed.
However if your friend is obsessed with tropic she probably instigated it, thought it was a good present and convinced your friends to go along with it.

YouokHun · 26/07/2020 11:59

I did this to my friend. And she's not really bugging me, so can't complain too much. She got the message. However I think they are coached into believing "A "no" just means a "not yet

Agree @localgarden, they are also subtly steered towards expecting “negativity” from people who aren’t part of the sisterhood/are jealous/are failures who don’t want to see you succeed/are unimaginative and narrow minded 9-5 people/are haters. It’s important to separate people from the doubters - ask any cult recruiter.

amusedbush · 26/07/2020 12:08

I’d be disappointed too. It’s not bratty at all, the gift was really thoughtless. I struggled with this feeling at my birthday, too.

My dad’s 60th was at the end of February and I spent a small fortune. I bought really personal gifts (which he and my mum still rave about now!), I took a precious weekend out of writing my Masters dissertation and spent yet more money on travelling across the country for a weekend away to celebrate his ‘big’ birthday. The family really went all out for him.

A few weeks later, in lockdown, I turned 30. All of my plans had been cancelled (we were supposed be going away for a few days) and we couldn’t even go out for a meal or a drink. I was devastated and my parents transferred £50 to my bank account... as they do for every birthday. I put so much time, effort and money into my dad’s 60th and my parents did nothing at all to make my 30th special just a few weeks later, even knowing how upset I was about all of my plans.

It wasn’t greed or wanting more money, it was the lack of thought that stung.

acatcalledjohn · 26/07/2020 12:16

Not RTFT and given the number of posts it's been suggested already, but I would claim the products gave you a reaction and you'd like to return them.

ThenSheSaidMore · 26/07/2020 12:18

How about a group message

“Dear friends. Thanks all for coming to my birthday picnic and for your generous gift. I know how expensive tropic products can be so I’m really touched you would spend that on me. This is a bit awkward but unfortunately I won’t get use out of these products, I’m hoping that it was sourced through TropicBotFriend and she may be able to do something about refunding the gift as I would hate to waste your money. I’m sending this in a group message as I want you all to know I am really grateful for your contribution to my birthday”

Immigrantsong · 26/07/2020 12:20

OP another thing is that they are currently supporting Mermaid during pride month. That can be your way to feedback that as a feminist you could never accept products/service from any company that supports Mermaid. Tropic sounds more and more like a pile of crap.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 26/07/2020 12:25

It wasn’t greed or wanting more money, it was the lack of thought that stung.

Yes!! Sometimes it's better to receive nothing than to be given the material reality that nobody put any thought into it.

OdaMaeBrown · 26/07/2020 12:29

All those people using lockdown as an excuse for crap presents are annoying me.

I'm currently reading The Diary of a Young Girl and every birthday they've managed to get thoughtful gifts and these people were living in hiding during a war!

This was just plain thoughtlessness. Nothing to do with money or lack of options.

rookiemere · 26/07/2020 12:47

@acatcalledjohn that's a good idea. Pretend to have tried one, and then group chat all and say that you're had an allergic reaction and can your friend take them back at all.

kissmysass · 26/07/2020 12:57

TropicBot is probably also trying to use this as a way to get repeat orders from you!

amusedbush · 26/07/2020 13:14

@EmbarrassingAdmissions

It wasn’t greed or wanting more money, it was the lack of thought that stung.

Yes!! Sometimes it's better to receive nothing than to be given the material reality that nobody put any thought into it.

That was exactly it. It felt like a punch in the stomach - my own parents put zero thought or effort into a gift for me. I’d rather they did nothing at all than make me feel like wasn’t worthy of their energy.

It’s my mum’s birthday in a couple of weeks and she is now badgering me to drive two hours away to celebrate her day at some holiday cottage. I think I’m washing my hair that day 🤷🏻‍♀️

auntieElle · 26/07/2020 13:28

I understand that you feel very hurt and let down, @amusedbush. I’ve had similar from family. But I still celebrate their birthdays fully. Unless there is more to it, it seems a shame to refuse to join in with your mum’s birthday.

amusedbush · 26/07/2020 13:44

@auntieElle

I understand that you feel very hurt and let down, *@amusedbush*. I’ve had similar from family. But I still celebrate their birthdays fully. Unless there is more to it, it seems a shame to refuse to join in with your mum’s birthday.
There’s a lot more to it. My mother is a toxic narcissist and I’ve spent my whole life trying to get something from her that she’s not capable of giving.

But that’s a whole other thread Grin

auntieElle · 26/07/2020 13:46

Ah, that’s totally different, @amusedbush. I’m sorry. Flowers

amusedbush · 26/07/2020 13:47

@auntieElle

Ah, that’s totally different, *@amusedbush*. I’m sorry. Flowers
❤️❤️
VenusTiger · 26/07/2020 13:48

Have a Zoom Tropic party and sell it back to them OP

EThreepwood · 26/07/2020 13:55

You missed the other gift they gave you... The chance to say you came out in a rash so can't possibly buy any more from the range.
To not feel pressured to buy off a friend or acquaintance or someone who added you on FB just to join their MLM group... Bliss! Wink

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 13:55

@VenusTiger

Have a Zoom Tropic party and sell it back to them OP
Brilliant 😂
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 26/07/2020 13:58

To not feel pressured to buy off a friend or acquaintance or someone who added you on FB just to join their MLM group... Bliss!

Too on-point not to post again:

To be disappointed by this 40th birthday gift from my friends?
ChicCroissant · 26/07/2020 13:58

I can see why you are disappointed, because it is such a variation from the norm of big-O birthday presents for the group.

What you should do about it depends on whether it's going to get to you more as time goes on. You can either ask the seller for a refund, or sell the stuff yourself and use the money for a more personalised experience or gift. It is a mystery why they bought you something you had expressed absolutely no interest in, perhaps you can say that you'd prefer no surprise gifts going forward.

As PP have mentioned, I also wondered if you were normally the person who comes up with the gift ideas OP? The seller may not have profited financially out of her/your friends but has probably earned a load of points towards her business level or similar.

lotusbell · 26/07/2020 14:01

Do you have any stand out interests, OP, such as the theatre lover or the gin fan?
Were any of the other other birthdays during lockdown? Just playing devil's advocate i suppose, but if there's nothing in particular that interests you, maybe the Tropic friend was handy and convenient if they were struggling for ideas - ie easy to sort payment each, no trips to the shops etc.
I think it's rubbish for a 40th present and that's from me who doesn't like a big fuss. Myself and 2 close friends have turned 40 this year, the 3rd one is coming up, mine in.may, the other end of June. We're going to the ballet later in the year, if it's still on, as our present to each other. None of us really need a token gift but I'd be hurt if I got the present you did. I'd gift it on or donate maybe to a local school as a raffle prize later in the year. Chin up!