DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

‘Getting dicked by half the estate’? Does he really think you’d be up for that? If so, I’m not understanding why you’re together anyway.

Glad you’re making sure you have everything in place- knowing that will give you strength. Good luck.

Is there an option to buy it and rent it out and you stay where you are.
If he is violent you need to get him out.

All the people saying you shouldnt have looked...surely you have to go and look to decide whether a move to the area is even something you'd consider? And tbh once you're 3 hours from home and someone has already booked viewings why would you not go?

I think the mistake you made OP was saying you liked the house...he's taken that as a yes to the whole idea.

DH and I moved under similar circumstances (although no DCs) and it proved to be a mistake...We couldn't afford to buy where we were, someone suggested we go and look in X town about 60 miles away, we went for the day, booked some viewings while we were there, liked the town, saw a house and bought it. No real thought about the practicalities of our commute, that we had no friends or family nearby etc, that we'd need more than one car, we were just blinded by ooh we can buy this lovely house we'd never afford it where we are now

As soon as the fixed rate was up on the mortgage we sold up and moved back to where we'd lived previously!

So he doesn't want to live where you are and you don't want to live where he wants to.

He wants to buy a house which long term makes more financial sense for your family. You want to rent. Paying for rent when you're older living on on a pension will be much harder than it is now. Especially if you are not in a couple (if you break up and don't find a new partner).

You went to see a house and said it was nice. However did you tell him not to make an offer? Were you standing by or did he do it in secret? I know you told him not to up his offer but you did need to be firm from the outset, as clearly he is trying to railroad you.

Decisions for your family need to be made in the interests of the whole family.

So your options are clear - sit down and discuss them with him. Are there any compromises that you could agree on or are you going to break up? What are best best interests if the children in that scenario and how will you ensure their wellbeing and happiness?

He is not a nice man OP. In a sense it's fortunate he showed his true colours about such a firm line in the sand for you.

With everything you've said about him on here, being isolated 3 hours away from your support network may well be suicide for you. The Freedom Programme is a much better choice.

Thank you everyone. Especially those that RTFT!

I don't think I'd realised how bad it was until I'd typed it out.

Just remembered the other month he broke the lock on the bathroom door because DS1 was a bit mouthy (in an 11 year old way) and ran to hide in there from DP. There's been light fixtures pulled out, he punched through the boys light socket etc

He can buy what he likes.
Not your problem.

You need to speak to Women’s Aid urgently, lovey. Because your ex was so physical, it does sound like you don’t realise how abusive this arsehole is, because he hasn’t hit and raped you This man is very much abusing you. I think you’re going to need emotional support to understand that, and to split up now - hence, hoping you’ll speak to WA as soon as you can. Good luck and stay safe

Him wanting to take you to a place where you would be without friends or family is very worrying.

He would be free to abuse/control you in ways that would be impossible in the place you are in now.

Stick to your guns. Let him buy and leave but do not be manipulated into going with him.

The Mumsnet famous stand-firm phrase: 'no, that doesn't work for us' needs to be your stock answer.

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor
Just read that your partner is violent, and his vile “dick”. Comment..
Cut loose!
No one deserves to live with a loose cannon who throws things and punches walls..

Be free, stay where you are

leave the bastard, he sounds like a piece of work:(

Buying a house in his name only makes no financial sense for anyone but him. Plus he's abusive, manipulative and controlling and insults his supposed DP and mother of his children. Looking forward you can protect yourself with a non molestation order if it comes to that and his precious security clearance. He could still have contact with his children just not you and he will be arrested if he breaks the order. You do have power when ending relationships with controlling men, even though they have trained you into thinking you don't. Good luck

Oh good God, and it still gets worse!

I would say get the removals men in for him but actually just sling his shit out in bin bags. Getting dicked by half the estate? I'd rather be Donald Trump's groom of the stool than live with this dickhead.

Just spoken about this thread to DH. When he was very young (50 years ago!), his family had a caravan on a farmer's field in Withernsea, which they used at weekends. We went back there around 10 years ago so he could reminisce. There was little to do there then.

It's a huge lifestyle change. If your DP was serious, the thing to do surely is to rent there to see if you like the place, rather than impulsively buying. I really hope he hasn't yet exchanged contracts. I took a look on rightmove. There are some nice places to buy and your money certainly goes a long way. But you are in the arse end of nowhere - I live in a hamlet in Devon which has nothing but a phone box. However, in 20 minutes I can be in the middle of Exeter. How long does it take to get into Hull from there? Your DC will be teens soon. How easy would it be to get out and about safely?

The point about him wanting to isolate you is a very good one. You'd be lonelier out there with him than staying put without him. He's already spelled out how he intends to financially control you. He'd have more options to emotionally control you because you can't readily confide in anyone or have the sort of good moan over a cuppa that keeps you aware of y the wrongness of it and it's not unrealistic to suggest that he would turn the violence onto you, rather than the house that he owns.

Move aside, he is an abusive arsehole and you need to get yourself and your kids away from him, or rather get him away from you since luckily it’s your name on the tenancy.

You’ve done the right thing taking the advice on here about the freedom programme. You need to work out a plan, baby steps, for how to get rid of him and sort out your life as a happy single parent family. Talk to friends and family for real life support and take the support on here, these ladies know what they’re talking about. You are stronger than you think and you CAN do this, and your kids will benefit from it. Dig in, stay out and get him out of your house. Good luck!

Oh ok, this actually makes it easier in a funny way. If he was loving and wonderful and this house was a random glitch in the matrix because he felt desperate to buy a house, it would be much harder.

He's an abusive twat. Bye then - enjoy your new house.

Don't move, OP! He sounds like he's not thought about anyone but himself in this.

Well done @TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor for taking that first jump and posting here, and contacting freedom program.

The hardest is still to come but you can do this, if you haven't let people in your know. Tell them. Just be prepared for the mixed responses like on here. Those can be the hardest, remind yourself they don't have to life with him, you aren't doing this, you haven't done anything to him, you didn't make him homeless (putting the house issue aside). He did all of this. Others will amaze you in how supportive and understanding they are.

Womans Aid, Samaritans and Police are also there if you think you need them at any time.

Should I email the schools and just give them a heads up that the kids might be a bit out of sorts when they return?

Just so they might get a bit of support there in case they don't want to talk to me about it.

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

Ex battered and raped me.

DP has punched a hole in the kitchen cupboard (told him I wouldn't abort DC3), smashed a hole in the landing wall (think the kids were playing up), threw a gin glass at the wall (DS1 not listening), kicked a dent into the fridge (can't remember why) and threw a coffee table at the wall (didn't like me chatting to a bloke on my uni course- purely friendship but he thought otherwise)

No incidents for a year or so.

Yes he has ADHD. Never formally diagnosed but it's definitely there.

He won't get counselling etc. Apparently it will affect his security clearance and he'll lose his job.

Get him out.

He's violent.

You're scared, He's trying to railroad you into complete dependence.

And if he gets arrested for domestic abuse, that'll have more effect upon his clearance - which would be entirely his fault for being an abusive prick.

OP, he's a horror.
You poor woman.

Do NOT go anywhere with this violent pig.

The police will get him out.

Thank goodness he has no rights to your home.

Your children will be happier without him.

Listen to your gut, he is NOT a good decent man.

He's a nasty, vicious, violent, bully.

What a strange thing to do! I can't imagine buying a house without a good deal of deliberation. Separate your finances from this man. He sounds cognitively impaired!

Don't move. Don't lose your tenancy and all your support network. Stay where you are.

He can rent it out; he only has himself to blame.

Yes, email the schools and also let them know you want to keep them enrolled (incase he thought to do that to force your hand).

@billy1966

OP, he's a horror. You poor woman.

Do NOT go anywhere with this violent pig.

The police will get him out.

Thank goodness he has no rights to your home.

Your children will be happier without him.

Listen to your gut, he is NOT a good decent man.

He's a nasty, vicious, violent, bully.

Please believe this. Yes, definitely get the police involved if he won't go quietly.

Whatever else, do not move with him. Stay where you are.