DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

@Rwoolley I've explained. Repeatedly.

Get rid.

This was the tip of the iceberg.

The house is in your name - tell him he can leave, or the police can make him do so.

And then his security clearance will really be up shit creek won't it?

This is horrendous OP!

I'm glad you're getting in touch with Women's Aid and are ending this dreadful relationship.

Good luck.

@Bl3ss3dm0m

OP, I don't understand the mindset of some of the people on here encouraging you to move, or for that matter, the ones saying don't move, but you must divorce him! Of course you shouldn't go when you and your children are happy and settled where you are, and both sets of grandparents are both nearby. He also only wants to move to that area because it is the only place he can afford that is big enough for you as a family, but his main concern is that he wants to invest in a proprrty. Well his problem on that front is solved as he is already willing to rent out the house anyway. As he hasn't exchanged contracts yet he can withdraw the offer without any financial penalty, and buy a nice one, or two bedroom flat in your area, and rent that out instead. It means that he will have a foot on the property ladder, and be close enough to keep an eye on it. It also means that he wouldn't keep nagging you to move into it, as it wouldn't be suitable for you all as a family.

Have you read that her partner has a bit of a temper, or that he's manipulative, likes to punch holes in walls. This could be why people are suggesting she boots his ass out.

Reach out to women's aid. And I'd let the police know when you're planning to ask your partner to leave permanently, home is in your name, not his, because of his violent behaviour.

But this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you.

Don't move with him. You'll be forever stuck. Stay in your secure home (thank goodness it's in your sole name!), in your secure neighbourhood, with family support nearby. Let him go enjoy his new house by himself.

@Rwoolley who cares? She looked at the house 10 minutes after being told she was going to look at a mannequin.

He's trying to railroad her. That's the top and bottom of it and he's abusive to OP and to their children.

You're going into the unknown OP, and it'll be fantastic. Get rid of him and forget men for a while!

I'm sorry this has happened OP. I moved at similar age as your DS from somewhere I was happy and it traumatised me. I would go so far as to say it basically ruined my young life. I personally would not move settled dc after about 7 or 8 unless absolutely necessary. It could be fine but there is a risk that it won't be especially given ds's needs. If you are not happy either that would be a recipe for disaster for everyone's mental wellbeing.

Oh god not even thinking of new men! I want to settle my children into a new normal and figure out why I let myself get so deep into this shit show.

He did say he expects I'll "be getting dicked by half the estate" if he moves without me 🙄

he is really horrible.

Please do the Freedom Programme.

You can do this and you will be happier.

If you decide to boot him out, please don't do it alone. He has time to pack a bag, and the rest he has to make prior arrangement. And for the first few weeks at least afterwards, even if it's with the kids, always make sure you have another adult around. Just having someone understanding with you can be incredibly supportive for you.

He doesn't need a set of keys. Not only is he not on the tenancy, you never got married. You can revoke his invitation into your home at anytime. Think of him like a Vampire, can only come in if asked!

God he sounds horrible. Dicked by half the estate?! Just make sure you’re safe when you ask him to leave. Police if necessary.

Oh god, don't move to With. It's the bloody arse end of nowhere. Leave him to it. You'll be better off without him in many ways.

Some of the replies on here are batshit just because op has said the house looks nice doesnt mean she wants to uproot herself and dp.
Fml if dp brought everything I said was nice I wouldn't be able to move for shit.
He deliberately brought a house BEHIND you back, doesnt intend to put you on the mortgage. No no stay where you have security.

Given all you've said I would not hedge about this any more. I would also fight fire with fire and say he's the one being ridiculous, and you and the other members of the family will be staying put and getting on with your lives, so he should let you know what his plans are when he's decided. But you have made your decision.

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

Ex battered and raped me.

DP has punched a hole in the kitchen cupboard (told him I wouldn't abort DC3), smashed a hole in the landing wall (think the kids were playing up), threw a gin glass at the wall (DS1 not listening), kicked a dent into the fridge (can't remember why) and threw a coffee table at the wall (didn't like me chatting to a bloke on my uni course- purely friendship but he thought otherwise)

No incidents for a year or so.

Yes he has ADHD. Never formally diagnosed but it's definitely there.

He won't get counselling etc. Apparently it will affect his security clearance and he'll lose his job.

Let him buy the house and move there, and then change the locks on yours. I think this is a perfect example of what the Americans call "the trash taking itself out". I'm sorry he likely has ADHD but it really doesn't oblige you to live like this.

I live nearby. DON’T move to Witherensea. It’s a very deprived area. There’s hardly anything to do. If you want to move to the area there are a lot nicer places close by.

It sounds like you would have a really nice life - but for him. Moving to the back of beyond isn't your real problem, it's his violence and uncontrolled temper. Never mind that he hasn't kicked off for a while. You must be on tenterhooks waiting for it happen again. You're actually in an ideal situation now because if you kick him out, he has somewhere to go.

Getting dicked by half the estate?! Bloody hell, he needs to hurry up and move so you can live the life you want to.

I've just emailed my nearest facilitator of the freedom programme for more info. Thank you for the recommendation. I couldn't remember the name of it.

Op I’ve read all your updates and I can’t get my head around how he thought it was ok to just buy and you would just move. That’s not how that works! He sounds horrible, disgusting language about you being ‘dicked by half the estate’ how demeaning and disrespectful.

Op this man does not see you as his partner. Partners do not make decisions unilaterally that’s not how that works. Let him cry and move up north to his house he wanted to buy so much. It’s him who has fucked everything up, not you. Honestly, it kind of sounds like he is looking for a way out of the relationship and is too cowardly to break it off.

Sorry op, I wouldn’t want to be in this situation anymore if I were you

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor
We moved cities because of not being able to afford to live in Richmond where I grew up, or any other place in the area.
Where we lived was 120 miles away, but in retrospect I’d never have moved so far from family and friends.

My DH left and I was so achingly lonely.
Another couple I knew moved to Cornwall from Up North, saying Cornwall is beautiful and family can come and stay.....

Suffice to say they didn’t, and they moved back up North where their family is.

Personally, I’d not do it.. I empathise with you though.

He says that I'm choosing to live in my middle class bubble over our family etc

He's trying to separate you, 'our family', from your parents, his family and your friends. He might call that a bubble. I'd call it your essential support network. He wants you isolated and compliant. Ugh

Definitely end the relationship safely. I think he's bullshitting you. I don't think he's buying a house I think he's enjoying manipulating you for his own amusement. Have you got evidence his offer has been accepted? Has he instructed a solicitor? Has he had a survey done? If you end the relationship he will backpedal like mad in an attempt to hoover you back in.

He's definitely buying. My friend witnessed the paperwork for him.

You'll be well rid of him and he'll be 3 hours away, so happy days. Just take advice on getting rid safely

Good luck OP