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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel awful that I shouted at DD?

101 replies

Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:21

Regular on adoption boards but also regular NC'r

DD(5 yo) has been home since the start of lockdown.

She is emotionally 18months- 2 years below her age

She is also very wilful. I have no idea if this an 'adoption thing' or an 'age thing'. If I ask her not to do something, she has to do it once more... Often while watching me.

We have a 19 year old cat who is scared of DD and DS, but the DC have, on the whole, been brilliant with her and left her alone.

Tonight DD has been in a tearful mood (another disrupted night last night)

She started stroking the cat who was visibly upset by it so I said, gently, leave the cat alone darling, look she's scared. At this point DD stroked her again.

I wasn't annoyed on behalf of the cat - I'm annoyed that she Never Bloody Listens.

I picked her up and moved her away from the cat at which point she started crying saying 'I didn't want you to do that'

I yelled 'well I didn't want you to touch the cat either but you did'

Then she started crying more and saying she wanted her birth father and birth mother (she's never done this before)

I calmed down, apologised for shouting and explained sometimes Mummy's get cross too. I said I still loved her but didn't like her when she didn't listen (I know, I know... I should have said I didn't like the behaviour)

I said I knew her missing her birth mother and father was difficult but me and DH loved her.

I feel awful. This wasn't just a raised voice, this was yelling.

Could just do with a bit of handholding.

I would put a thread on here about other issues but a recent post from a regular saying (and I'm paraphrasing) why do adoptive parents make all these promises to be really good, and then don't live up to that promise has put me off. In fact, I thought twice about this one too. But flame away if needs be!

OP posts:
dobbyssoc · 22/07/2020 20:24

I said I still loved her but didn't like her when she didn't listen

Did you say you didn't like her or didn't like it? If you said you didn't like her then I feel you need to have another chat saying you didn't mean that etc as that could only make matters worse

Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:26

@dobbyssoc

I said I still loved her but didn't like her when she didn't listen

Did you say you didn't like her or didn't like it? If you said you didn't like her then I feel you need to have another chat saying you didn't mean that etc as that could only make matters worse

Didn't like her but I know I should have said it, she's in bed but lay awake so I could speak to her about it now but will probably wait until the morning.
OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 22/07/2020 20:27

YANBU to feel awful about it. I would too. But kids are hard work and sometimes we all make mistakes. Have you read, 'How to talk so little kids will listen?' Might be worth reading that or a similar one so you have strategies for next time.

Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:27

*shouldn't have said it

OP posts:
user12345796 · 22/07/2020 20:28

I haven't adopted so I don't know what I'm talking about but I imagine you promise to be the best parent you can and part of being a good parent is to sometimes get annoyed and not be perfect. She needs to know that the cat has rights and feelings and that you have rights and feelings and you are her mum and you have to teach her this. And sometimes we teach children things by showing them how cross we are. Now go and kiss her goodnight and forget it. Tomorrow is a new day.

Bitchinkitchen · 22/07/2020 20:28

When you say she's emotionally behind, does she have a diagnosis?

Putting aside everything else, if my 3yr old was behaving badly I'd be using time outs religiously. What sort of discipline are you using to get her to listen?

zigaziga · 22/07/2020 20:31

I think the saying you don’t like her bit is worse than the yelling personally but it’s all just an example of things people do when they reach the end of their tether. You’re only human.
I try not to shout at my DC but of course sometimes I do, we all do.

Try and apologise for the not liking thing though.

Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:32

@FourPlasticRings

YANBU to feel awful about it. I would too. But kids are hard work and sometimes we all make mistakes. Have you read, 'How to talk so little kids will listen?' Might be worth reading that or a similar one so you have strategies for next time.
I've seen that before. I feel like I've failed as a parent as DD is adopted.
OP posts:
Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:34

@secondaccount

I haven't adopted so I don't know what I'm talking about but I imagine you promise to be the best parent you can and part of being a good parent is to sometimes get annoyed and not be perfect. She needs to know that the cat has rights and feelings and that you have rights and feelings and you are her mum and you have to teach her this. And sometimes we teach children things by showing them how cross we are. Now go and kiss her goodnight and forget it. Tomorrow is a new day.
I ask going to go and kiss her goodnight and also apologise for saying not liking her instead of her behaviour.
OP posts:
Haworthia · 22/07/2020 20:35

Putting aside everything else, if my 3yr old was behaving badly I'd be using time outs religiously. What sort of discipline are you using to get her to listen?

This is a terrible idea for a child who has been adopted and is traumatised (that’s not a value judgement upon the OP’s child, just an observation of adopted children generally).

OP Flowers We all do things we regret. I particularly regret losing my rag really badly with my son when he was making his sister late for school by refusing to come downstairs to get his shoes on.

I mean, I’ve lost it countless times in my time as a mother, but that was probably the worst example. Made even worse by the fact I now know he’s autistic and that incident was a textbook meltdown due to his inability to do anything without lots and lots of warning and countdowns.

I don’t blame you for getting angry. You are not a saint (even thought people must think you are, right)? Do you and/or your daughter get any outside support?

dobbyssoc · 22/07/2020 20:36

@Daisydolittleboo I think as long as you explain to her it's her behaviour you don't like at times not her then it's fine.
We all lose our rags especially when they look at you and do something you've told them not to - normally very slowly!
Just give her a kiss and cuddle, explain what you meant and move forward

Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:37

@Haworthia

Putting aside everything else, if my 3yr old was behaving badly I'd be using time outs religiously. What sort of discipline are you using to get her to listen?

This is a terrible idea for a child who has been adopted and is traumatised (that’s not a value judgement upon the OP’s child, just an observation of adopted children generally).

OP Flowers We all do things we regret. I particularly regret losing my rag really badly with my son when he was making his sister late for school by refusing to come downstairs to get his shoes on.

I mean, I’ve lost it countless times in my time as a mother, but that was probably the worst example. Made even worse by the fact I now know he’s autistic and that incident was a textbook meltdown due to his inability to do anything without lots and lots of warning and countdowns.

I don’t blame you for getting angry. You are not a saint (even thought people must think you are, right)? Do you and/or your daughter get any outside support?

Hi

That's why I try not to use time out as it is traumatizing to her, I've tried it before.
We get lots of outside support but I just feel like I've failed tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:38

@Bitchinkitchen

When you say she's emotionally behind, does she have a diagnosis?

Putting aside everything else, if my 3yr old was behaving badly I'd be using time outs religiously. What sort of discipline are you using to get her to listen?

No she hasn't got a diagnosis currently.
OP posts:
Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:39

I'm going to head up to her now to kiss her goodnight and explain what I meant, hope she's ok.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 22/07/2020 20:41

Be kind to yourself op, you have a harder time than most and we are all human. It’s how you deal from here on that counts. Ask her about her feelings, why she touched the cat again when she knew she shouldn’t.sounds like she might be being ‘naughty’ to see if you love her anyway. Ask her why her feelings are more important than the cats. Just normal stuff with a child who’s learning boundaries... but with added love and cuddles. Reaffirm your love for her whatever she does. Remember you are also allowed feelings... all parents bugger up with their kids, say horrible stuff... parenting is not Disney, it’s coal face.

FourPlasticRings · 22/07/2020 20:43

Being an adoptive parent doesn't mean being a perfect parent, OP. No one goes into parenting knowing all the answers- everyone is on a level in that regard. All adoption means is that you're likely to have a child who has underlying issues that make everything harder. Don't feel like you're unable to seek parenting help just because you adopted.

Rose789 · 22/07/2020 20:44

@Daisydolittleboo I’m sorry you’ve had such a shit day.
Hand hold and no judgement from me. You are a good mum, you are human.
Give your daughter a cuddle tell her you love her and read her a bedtime story. Have a hot bath and a glass of wine and tomorrow is a new day.

user1294625849274 · 22/07/2020 20:47

Developmental trauma should be sufficient as a diagnosis surely.

Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:48

Went up to see her, explained what I meant and that it was just her behaviour I didn't like not her, played with her and teddy for a minute and kissed her goodnight. We read a story when I put her to bed early.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:48

*earlier

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:49

@user1294625849274

Developmental trauma should be sufficient as a diagnosis surely.
That's what I'm pushing for her to be diagnosed with.
OP posts:
FindingNeverland1 · 22/07/2020 20:49

As a now grown up adopted child -

  1. I remember sometimes saying 'I miss my .....mummy' when my emotions were high and I was hysterically frustrated or conflicted. I never ever meant it. I just didn't know how to express this emotion and saying this thing gaged the response I wanted.
  1. My mum said pretty much the same thing 'I love you alway but sometimes I don't like you when you misbehave' and honestly it's stayed with me. It used to pop up and make me feel funny and i'm sure played some kind of part in my unruly testing the love limit of my teenage years. Never say it again.
Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:50

@Lollypop701

Be kind to yourself op, you have a harder time than most and we are all human. It’s how you deal from here on that counts. Ask her about her feelings, why she touched the cat again when she knew she shouldn’t.sounds like she might be being ‘naughty’ to see if you love her anyway. Ask her why her feelings are more important than the cats. Just normal stuff with a child who’s learning boundaries... but with added love and cuddles. Reaffirm your love for her whatever she does. Remember you are also allowed feelings... all parents bugger up with their kids, say horrible stuff... parenting is not Disney, it’s coal face.
I might do this tomorrow, not tonight as she's in bed now.
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2020 20:50

We all bugger up. Trick is to pull it back and learn.

For the cat...

She started stroking the cat who was visibly upset by it so I said, gently, leave the cat alone darling, look she's scared. At this point DD stroked her again.

I wasn't annoyed on behalf of the cat - I'm annoyed that she Never Bloody Listens.

I picked her up and moved her away from the cat at which point she started crying saying 'I didn't want you to do that'

"Oh well, next time you'll listen and the cat can stay. It is sad but that was your choice" in a breezy and sympathetic tone.

Natural consequences delivered in a breezy but sympathetic tone work better than any amount of time-outs IME with my SEN child.

Original poster
Daisydolittleboo · 22/07/2020 20:51

@MrsTerryPratchett

We all bugger up. Trick is to pull it back and learn.

For the cat...

She started stroking the cat who was visibly upset by it so I said, gently, leave the cat alone darling, look she's scared. At this point DD stroked her again.

I wasn't annoyed on behalf of the cat - I'm annoyed that she Never Bloody Listens.

I picked her up and moved her away from the cat at which point she started crying saying 'I didn't want you to do that'

"Oh well, next time you'll listen and the cat can stay. It is sad but that was your choice" in a breezy and sympathetic tone.

Natural consequences delivered in a breezy but sympathetic tone work better than any amount of time-outs IME with my SEN child.

Natural consequences definitely work better for my DD too.
OP posts: