To feel awful that I shouted at DD?

[Daisydolittleboo]

Regular on adoption boards but also regular NC'r

DD(5 yo) has been home since the start of lockdown.

She is emotionally 18months- 2 years below her age

She is also very wilful. I have no idea if this an 'adoption thing' or an 'age thing'. If I ask her not to do something, she has to do it once more... Often while watching me.

We have a 19 year old cat who is scared of DD and DS, but the DC have, on the whole, been brilliant with her and left her alone.

Tonight DD has been in a tearful mood (another disrupted night last night)

She started stroking the cat who was visibly upset by it so I said, gently, leave the cat alone darling, look she's scared. At this point DD stroked her again.

I wasn't annoyed on behalf of the cat - I'm annoyed that she Never Bloody Listens.

I picked her up and moved her away from the cat at which point she started crying saying 'I didn't want you to do that'

I yelled 'well I didn't want you to touch the cat either but you did'

Then she started crying more and saying she wanted her birth father and birth mother (she's never done this before)

I calmed down, apologised for shouting and explained sometimes Mummy's get cross too. I said I still loved her but didn't like her when she didn't listen (I know, I know... I should have said I didn't like the behaviour)

I said I knew her missing her birth mother and father was difficult but me and DH loved her.

I feel awful. This wasn't just a raised voice, this was yelling.

Could just do with a bit of handholding.

I would put a thread on here about other issues but a recent post from a regular saying (and I'm paraphrasing) why do adoptive parents make all these promises to be really good, and then don't live up to that promise has put me off. In fact, I thought twice about this one too. But flame away if needs be!

@nothingcomestonothing

I have started to let it go now. DD has already let it go.

Honestly I think you are overreacting. She did something wrong, she had a consequence. She won’t even remember the exact words you used unless you keep bringing it up and apologising.

She’s more likely to keep saying ‘I want my real mum’ if she knows she can use it to get away with bad behaviour.

@UpsyDaaaisy

Looking after children that age adopted or not can be really hard work so try not to be so hard on yourself OP. We have all maybe reacted to our kids in a way that we regret or don't think is nice, the benefit of hindsight eh!?

My mum has said to me "i'll always love you but I don't always like your behaviours" which imo seems a bit nicer that the "i dont always like you comment" maybe go back to your DD and explain thats what you meant and your sorry you said something different you were just a bit worried about the cat.

I was adopted when i was around 3 years old and I was a little shit terror my dad put me on the "naughty chair" which was essentially a time out and I just remember feeling so upset and left out i screamed my heart out and dribbled on the chair which upset him more. Tldr; time out isn't a good idea i think it just enhances the fear of abandonment.

I can't give much advice on her behaviour and parenting tips as I'm struggling myself with mine. Im sure you're doing a great job OP x

I went up to her last night when she was in bed and explained that was talking about her behaviour and not her personally. I don't use time out either.

@RunningFromInsanity

Honestly I think you are overreacting. She did something wrong, she had a consequence. She won’t even remember the exact words you used unless you keep bringing it up and apologising.

She’s more likely to keep saying ‘I want my real mum’ if she knows she can use it to get away with bad behaviour.

I haven't brought it up today because a quick small chat this morning. She's not naughty.

*besides not because

Had a really good day today, Baking cakes, eating them, laughing giggling, playing games, having cuddles. I feel a lot better today compared to last night. DD is up in bed now all tucked in after we read a story and had cuddles and kissed goodnight.

DD really loved baking the cakes, and making a mess of course

You did well, OP.
It must be hard for you, but it's good that you admitted you made a mistake to her and to yourself. She can see that adults make mistakes then and then you apologised.
My mum never did these things, I highly suspect she was and is a narcissist. She had a terrible childhood and largely copied her own dad who was absolutely brutal. She's never admit that though.
Be kind to yourself and then you'll be less anxious and less likely to snap.

I agree with @nothingcomestonothing

@JaffaJaffJaffpussycatpuss

Sorry for what you went through.

That's why after when she was in bed yesterday I went up to apologise and have cuddles and kiss goodnight, to reassure her that I still love her.

You sound like a lovely DM. Your DD is very determined it will serve her well in the future.
Please do not feel bad even young DC with emotional immaturity know how to manipulate us.
Don't hold onto it it's done it won't cause any long-term damage they need a telling off sometimes.
My DS is a maggot too so determined and controlling though at nearly 6 he is getting there. I've shouted too challenging behaviour would push a saint over the edge.

@Emeraldshamrock
She's not manipulative, just a bit stubborn/defiant sometimes but more than likely that's due to the trauma that she has been through in her life so far.

Another grown up adopted person here and also a parent and I also work with kids with significant behavioural difficulties, including adopted kids. You are doing an amazing job and if you were a shit parent you wouldn't give a fuck about what you said. She is doing what kids do which is pushing our bloody buttons all day long.

Be kind to yourself and have a large wine. Xx

@DartmoorDoughnut

Actually I disagree *@mrsmuddlepies* my mother has always told me how loved I am but I also know that sometimes she doesn’t like me and that’s fine, sometimes I don’t like her, but my parents have always been my biggest supporters and I’m entirely secure in their love, I know them not liking me doesn’t mean they’ll stop loving me so I’m all good. Hope that makes sense.

That might be fine when you have a secure attachment, but adopted children often don't have secure attachments so don't know that mum's love is unconditional. That's not their experience. It takes time for them to feel that - it's not something you can just tell them. Children often can't separate 'I love you' from 'I don't like you when...'

It's not a good thing to say but we all say the wrong things from time to time. Children will cope with that if we apologise - as we would want them to do if they said something hurtful. We model to them that we are human, imperfect but resilient.

It sounds like you are building a lovely relationship OP.

@DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld

Another grown up adopted person here and also a parent and I also work with kids with significant behavioural difficulties, including adopted kids. You are doing an amazing job and if you were a shit parent you wouldn't give a fuck about what you said. She is doing what kids do which is pushing our bloody buttons all day long.

Be kind to yourself and have a large wine. Xx

@DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld

That's true, I do care about the fact that I said I don't like her instead of saying the behaviour and I did apologise to DD and explain that I meant the behaviour and not her.

@Voice0fReason

That's why I went up to explain that I meant I didn't like the behaviour and not her.

That's also why I gave kisses and cuddles when I went up, to show my love is unconditional and that I will always love her no matter what she does.

It wasn't really the moving her away from the cat that I wasn't happy with myself about. It was the fact that she gets scared if touched without warning so I always warn her before I touch her but in the moment I forgot and didn't warn her that I was about to pick her up.

I would like to say, as a foster parent, that I get it wrong sometimes too. There is nothing harder than loving a child who has emotional traumas. Try to forgive yourself, you already have made plans to avoid doing it again and that is a good thing .

@bloodywhitecat

I would like to say, as a foster parent, that I get it wrong sometimes too. There is nothing harder than loving a child who has emotional traumas. Try to forgive yourself, you already have made plans to avoid doing it again and that is a good thing .

@bloodywhitecat It's so hard sometimes, but I love DD for the world. I think I have just about forgiven myself now. I have learnt from it and will deal with it differently in future.

@Voice0fReason yeah I am adopted but fine

I would put a thread on here about other issues but a recent post from a regular saying (and I'm paraphrasing) why do adoptive parents make all these promises to be really good, and then don't live up to that promise has put me off

What on earth does this mean? Which poster, and which thread? Can you link? I do think posting on AIBU about this sort of thing is brave and possibly foolhardy, though, whether you are talking adoption or not.

@suivisuivi

I would put a thread on here about other issues but a recent post from a regular saying (and I'm paraphrasing) why do adoptive parents make all these promises to be really good, and then don't live up to that promise has put me off

What on earth does this mean? Which poster, and which thread? Can you link? I do think posting on AIBU about this sort of thing is brave and possibly foolhardy, though, whether you are talking adoption or not.

I'm not just going to name another poster, sorry, some of the replies on her thread were very rude and patronising.

I thought twice about this before posting on AIBU.

Can you link the thread or do you mean one from a while back?

Why did you post in AIBU rather than on one of the Parenting ones? You were very lucky with comments though, no flaming, so all's well that ends well.

@suivisuivi

Its from a few months ago so I would have to try and find it, sorry.
Because I wanted to ask if I was unreasonable for felling awful about shouting at her. On second thoughts I should have posted in one of the parenting ones though.

We have had another wonderful day today too, DD hasn't stop smiling again all day.