Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

[messeduphelp]

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

I assume he also works full time and spent his day off looking after a baby? I’m sorry but I don’t think he’s been THAT awful. Yes it would piss me off but men and women have different standards I have witnessed.... also he works hard and wants a break too. I think when men look after babies you should just be glad they both survived 🤷🏻‍♀️ He ain’t mary poppins.

OK, well - bright side is that this happened in such a cut and dried way on Day 1 back at work. And he’s in no doubt how you felt. I’d personally stick it in writing in an email, how he made you feel, cos that’s the best way for me & DH to resolve something like this - bit of time to choose words properly and react privately if needed, before working it through together in person having really listened to the other person’s point of view.

You need to agree ground rules for the working week - who does what, and what personal leisure time you can both expect too. Life is easier if your expectations are explicit. This stage of parenting is a shift but you can tackle it now it’s out there to be tackled!

I had one of these too @MummyGoingItAlone

Needless to say he’s now and ex and I’m now earning 2x anything he ever did.

He didn't feed the baby. That's very far below the floor of minimum acceptable standards.

@Hellothere19999

I assume he also works full time and spent his day off looking after a baby? I’m sorry but I don’t think he’s been THAT awful. Yes it would piss me off but men and women have different standards I have witnessed.... also he works hard and wants a break too. I think when men look after babies you should just be glad they both survived 🤷🏻‍♀️ He ain’t mary poppins.

You think an acceptable standard is not feeding his own child? Because he has a penis? Talk about being part of the problem.

@Hellothere19999

I assume he also works full time and spent his day off looking after a baby? I’m sorry but I don’t think he’s been THAT awful. Yes it would piss me off but men and women have different standards I have witnessed.... also he works hard and wants a break too. I think when men look after babies you should just be glad they both survived 🤷🏻‍♀️ He ain’t mary poppins.

Hi there. The 1950s called. They want you back.

@Hellothere19999 so when the fuck does OP get a day off then?

YANBU at all. Can you show him this thread? He needs to really understand why his behaviour was so unacceptable. I'm angry for you!

Oh OP, didn't you realise he was looking after the baby for you while you were at work. He was doing you a favour, why aren't you grateful what he's done for you all day? Of course, now that you're back, you're the default parent again. Why wouldn't you be?

(Sarcasm, in case it wasn't obvious)

The saving grace of this is that you're both working now. So what goes for one, goes for the other. Order a take-away for tonight. Sit down together (calmly, if you both can), and agree which jobs the WOHP should do in the evenings, and which the SAHP should do during the day and in the evenings. That will apply Mon-Fri, regardless of which of you is the WOHP on any particular day.

What do you usually do on weekends? Does he split it? (I'm assuming not...). This would be a good opportunity to agree you both get one weekend lie-in, and each of you is responsible for cooking on one weekend day. The other is the 'default parent' for that day.

Are you working tomorrow?

Sod the cooking and cleaning tonight.

Leave it to your H if he is going to be home.

Order something for you to eat. Feed the baby. H can make himself a sandwich.

Tell your useless, entitled H that he is sleeping on the couch until he figures out a way to do all that you managed to do daily for the last year.

I'd be tempted to shove his golf clubs somewhere the sun doesn't shine.

I take it he laughs at you in a mocking way quite frequently? Time to reassess the relationship.

@LannieDuck

Oh OP, didn't you realise he was looking after the baby for you while you were at work. He was doing you a favour, why aren't you grateful what he's done for you all day? Of course, now that you're back, you're the default parent again. Why wouldn't you be?

(Sarcasm, in case it wasn't obvious)

The saving grace of this is that you're both working now. So what goes for one, goes for the other. Order a take-away for tonight. Sit down together (calmly, if you both can), and agree which jobs the WOHP should do in the evenings, and which the SAHP should do during the day and in the evenings. That will apply Mon-Fri, regardless of which of you is the WOHP on any particular day.

What do you usually do on weekends? Does he split it? (I'm assuming not...). This would be a good opportunity to agree you both get one weekend lie-in, and each of you is responsible for cooking on one weekend day. The other is the 'default parent' for that day.

Yes, I wonder if he is the kind that announces he has vacuumed "for you", expecting a round of applause. As though he makes no mess and just hovers from room to room

@Hellothere19999

I assume he also works full time and spent his day off looking after a baby? I’m sorry but I don’t think he’s been THAT awful. Yes it would piss me off but men and women have different standards I have witnessed.... also he works hard and wants a break too. I think when men look after babies you should just be glad they both survived 🤷🏻‍♀️ He ain’t mary poppins.

Thank god the men in my life (including my dad born 1926) are nothing like this. So many people have a really low opinion of men on MN.

He sounds extremely thoughtless. I don’t understand why he was happy to cook on his days off when you were on maternity leave but now you’re back at work he doesn’t think it’s necessary. It does sound like he doesn’t respect your job, does he not like you being back at work?

I am sorry he has been so horrible after a big day for you, going back to work after a year off should have had him stepping up and being interested in your day, not being a twat.

It’s so frustrating how so many women have to explain to their partners about their responsibilities, there really shouldn’t be any need in this day and age.

LolaSmiles

that's the issue on this thread, there's a lot of ASSUME.

What's wrong with talking or discussing things now?

If the baby's diner was 2 hours late, then yes it's unreasonable.
If the OP was home long before diner time and the DH on the way out, then why is it unreasonable for her to feed him?

It doesn't matter WHO we are talking about - it's the same with any lesbian or gay couples if that helps - I can't imagine anyone in a normal couple expecting diner to be ready for them. The one who is at home for any reason tends to do it, (and not expect the working one to do it either) but most people have a freezer, can order take-away and pretty sure restaurants are reopened now if you want out.

The DH should have told his wife he was playing golf tonight - even a message when he decided during the day if it's last minute.
The OP should have told her DH she was expecting him to make diner for her.

It may be that because I have never felt I had to do anything that I fail to see the big issue here. You are both adults, you work around each other.

Tell your useless, entitled H that he is sleeping on the couch until he figures out a way to do all that you managed to do daily for the last year.

If a woman was told by her husband that she not only was not allowed to go out on the day he's back to work, but she was ALSO expected to have diner ready for him.... posters would scream for her to divorce him

Just think about what exactly you expect from an adult. I wouldn't stand for it.

But because I tend to communicate with my own DH, we do tell each other when we have plan so one of us can be home with the kids...

Hellothere19999. Are you on glue? Bloody handmaidens out in force tonight.

Op not only is your DH a selfish arse but he’s also a nasty spiteful twat for laughing at you. So clear that he thinks this is women’s work and you need to do it all. I would definitely go back to work full time. And if he doesn’t like it (he won’t as then he’ll have to step up) He can go and live with his golfing buddies.

OP, you ask 'How does he manage to twist this?'

The answer is in the mocking laughter.

It's part of a pattern. He is goading and gaslighting you.

It takes a special kind of disordered personality to deliver the script he is now dishing up to you and to present himself as fully convinced of his point of view.

He feels resentment and contempt toward you and sadly, no sense of responsibility at all to the baby. (He is now trying to manipulate you by using the time with the baby gambit).

He is entitled and monumentally selfish.

whatg a knob so he just wanted to up and leave to give you time wit the baby whislt you had to cook and clean

nice

What and when was he going to eat? Was he expecting to buy something for himself at the golf club and leave you and the baby to fend for yourselves?

Does your H laugh at you and mock you much JaniceWebster?

If 'No', would you say that's because your communication skills are so great?

Or are you blaming the OP for the shitty behaviour of her H, the complete lack of basic human kindness and consideration and the abusive mocking laughter?

JaniceWebster, how lovely you have such an understanding relationship with your dh.
If the OP has been doing everything for a year since she is at home on mat leave and dh didn't have to do it for a year, it's not unreasonable for her to expect her dh to do the same when she went back to work and he was at home.
If you can't see the fault in what op's dh did to her, I do feel sorry for you, you do have no concept of equal responsibility maybe.

Don’t you bloody dare cook for him tonight! Or clean any of his mess

Or any night. Have your own meal early - let him shift for himself.

When he comes in give him the baby and say "I'm off to my "Bacardi and Bitch" group - you don't mind do you?" and leave.

OP, I also would have been upset and disappointed, I too would have liked to think that my DH would have made a bit of extra effort on my first day back. A partnership is based on mutual respect and understanding, your DH has shown little of this in his treatment of you.

There are a lot of posters telling you that you need to communicate with your DH and let him know what you expect. Surprise surprise, it's always the woman that needs to communicate what needs to be done. Is it really so difficult to know that your partners first day back at work after maternity is a big deal and it might be just a bit thoughtful to be there for them when they get in and make a nice meal? I'm afraid my view is that quite often men get used to having it all done when their partner is at home on maternity, and more often than not many women do this possibly because they are building a family life.

Perhaps, rather than outlining what is expected, you should ask your DH what he thinks is reasonable and how he sees life going forward.

Start as you mean to go on, if he doesn't cook or do what you do when you're at work then don't do a meal for him on your days off. I wish I'd done things differently.

xolotltezcatlopoca

If the OP has been doing everything for a year since she is at home on mat leave and dh didn't have to do it for a year

instead of feeling sorry, did you ask the right questions?
WHY has the OP been doing everything for a year? Did she HAVE to? Did her DH MADE her? Was her DH strictly banning her from going out to meet friends/exercise/ even a walk alone that was allowed during the lockdown... then that's abuse and she need to get the hell out of there. It's just not acceptable.

Did the OP chose to do it and assume the roles must be reversed on her working day?

Then I am sorry, but i can't put all the blame on the DH. If your DH choses to stay home every evening on his week off whilst you are at work, but get in a strop if YOU make plans on your days off... who is unreasonable?