AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

I’d say invite her and just stick a spud in the oven for her ..I’d be more than happy with that ,it’s always the company that’s important anyway not the food

Are we saying being a tea total vegan gets you out of stuff? Because I’m already tea total and dairy free.

I am willing to make the sacrifice and go vegan too if it will help 😀

I would invite and say you won't be doing vegan food because of the theme but say she is welcome to bring her own?

Invite and buy her an M&S vegan dish and let her know beforehand that you won’t be cooking for her but you will accommodate so she can be there with you.

Invite, tell her it’s mead and meat and to bring her own trencher.

From your update she sounds like an insufferable pain in the arse. Though I do wonder if you’ve phrased things that way because you don’t want her there and want some validation, IYSWIM.

Did she ask or challenge? Very different.

And you say you mentioned teetotal because of her being judgmental but then decided to leave that out.

In truth, if you don’t like her or don’t want her there that’s fine and you don’t need strangers to tell you it’s ok!

Judging from some of these posts, some posters have relatives who also sound insufferable and I wouldn’t want them there either! 😬

I went to a Medieval day at a castle once when I was vegan (now veggi) and they had a big hog roast and I had a really delicious ancient grains (millet and things) and mint salad, root vegetable soup and spelt bread. It genuinely was really tasty and the meat eaters all added some of the grain salad to their hog roast rolls so it can't have been that bad. I love medieval themed days, go to lots of them, meat not compulsory.

Invite her but tell her it's not vegan and she's welcome to bring something medieval themed herself.

What a great idea for a party! I wish you were my friend!

I have occasionally left a vegan off the list, for sure. Just like I don't invite divorced couples together, or put the Brexiteers next to the Liberal Democrats.

I love them all in their way but they don't always all exactly go together. You don't have to invite everyone to everything. You can't anyway.

Really OP? Challenged you?

You do not sound like a nice person! I'm starting to feel sorry for your friend. Maybe she hasn't enthusiastically accepted your invite because you make her feel shit about being a teetotal vegan.

I asked her if she wanted to come to mine for the event. She asked what it was and explained the theme.

The first words out her mouth were “What will you be cooking that I can eat.”

I like this woman as a person, but she can at times be a bit judgmental about her choices and that is why I was reluctant to invite her.

I just cannot fathom people who can make a meal for friends and be so pissed off about their choices. If I invite my friends to dinner I cook something everyone can eat or more than one dish. Because I want them there with me to enjoy the evening.

If you can't be bothered then be honest and say so but all your 'excuses' are flaky. If you don't want her there then don't invite her.

For those that are interested, I’ll post my menu once I’ve finalised.

I'll come in her place. I'm house-trained and eat what I'm given. Invite me! Invite me!

I’m vegan and know what a pain it is cooking for a vegan, I always offer to take my own dishes, most of my friends take me up on it! We socialise often and I would hate to be left out because of my dietary presences. When I cook, I cook vegan food & always say I won’t be offended if anyone wants to bing their own. Sometimes they will bring a big chilli or lasagne or order a pizza / Indian Chinese. We meet to enjoy each others company, the food is secondary!

Just buy something ready made? If she's your friend, don't leave her out. I'm not vegan or vegetarian but I admire so much the dedication of those who choose the vegan way of life. It would be a really sad reason to leave out a friend.

I have occasionally left a vegan off the list, for sure. Just like I don't invite divorced couples together, or put the Brexiteers next to the Liberal Democrats.
I love them all in their way but they don't always all exactly go together.

What an odd post.

I’m vegetarian and mostly eat vegan. Lots of my friends and family eat meat including my partner and kids who I live with. We ‘go together’ just fine. If someone is a twat and can’t accept other people’s views and choices then they’re a twat. I tend to choose friends who are not twats and so we manage to get on fine.

Would it really be that much effort to make a vegan main dish and if she doesn’t turn up everyone can share it as a side dish. I know it’s a bit of extra hassle but she’s a friend and if that was me I’d be gutted to have been left out like that.

@CyanSnake

I asked her if she wanted to come to mine for the event. She asked what it was and explained the theme.

The first words out her mouth were “What will you be cooking that I can eat.”

I like this woman as a person, but she can at times be a bit judgmental about her choices and that is why I was reluctant to invite her.

That is kind of rude.

Also, to answer the question asked a few times: no, she never hosts as she lives with her parents.

You know, the average medieval peasant almost ever saw meat or eggs. from one month to another. How about a strictly seasonal bowl of veg?

The first words out her mouth were “What will you be cooking that I can eat.”

Your chance to say ‘could you bring something with you?’ If she would react badly to this then she isn’t a friend.

I like this woman as a person, but she can at times be a bit judgmental about her choices and that is why I was reluctant to invite her.

There’s your problem. Why are you friends with someone who you feel judges others?

Give her a ready made vegan dish. Problem sorted!

Vegan here, never expect to be catered for but am grateful when people do. I would think it is ridiculous to make everything vegan for me, or to have a vegan version of everything. I would not be offended to be asked to bring my own things on this occasion. Are you over thinking it.