AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

I cba with flaky people so definitely wouldn't want to spend loads of time on something if they weren't likely to come. If you invite her I'd suggest she brings her own food next time!

On the subject of quizzing OP I am fascinated to know what you will be cooking...please share (I realise this isn't a cooking thread)..

I think that if someone is a friend and I enjoy their company then I’d wouldn’t mind making them a meal. Or I’d just ask them to bring something and they would understand because my friends are really nice.
If you can’t be arsed either cooking for your friend/asking her to bring her own or you think she’d react badly to that then you’re not friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you e had a vegan night before as you said then I think it’s fine to do a non vegan night. It’s a lot of extra work(DD vegan) so maybe invite her and say she can bring food and share some of the vegan/vegetable dishes.

Depends on what she's like. If she's lovely and would make the same effort as you would be making here to accommodate, then YABU. If she's an ungrateful fun sponge who would put you to a lot of extra effort only to bail at the last minute, then YANBU.

she challenged me on what I’d be serving, and I struggled to come up with vegan recipes on the spot.

She challenged you? What words did she use? If that really is what she did, it's very rude, especially as it could have been the moment when she said "Sounds like you'll be making something complicated, I'll bring my own food".

You could exclude her from future gatherings on the grounds that she's rude and flaky, nothing to do with her diet.

@milienhaus

I understand your conundrum! I also have difficult friends. I think fine to just have 6 total and say you’re sticking to guidelines.

Difficult friends???

Just because they choose not to eat animals and animal products??

I am veggie and have, once or twice, a long time ago, been not-invited to something where all my friends were getting together for meat-based feast. It was really hurtful to think of all my other friends getting together for a nice evening and I wasn't invited.

but I get pissed off at people who have a very specific diet for non medical reasons and expect the rest of a large party to have to accommodate them for their life choices.

I literally have no one in my life like this. I think a lot of people like to be martyrs though and then say things like ‘they expect me to cater for their choices’ and try to make them out to be cheeky fuckers. Just say ‘could you bring something as I’m not cooking vegetarian/vegan/gluten free etc. I’ve never come across anyone who hadn’t been find with this.

*fine not find

Invite but not feed? If you explained the background to her, how put out would she be if you asked her to bringher own own supper- she can still come and enjoy her friend and it would provide you with inspiration and more insight into what she likes so win/ win for both

Would it be okay to exclude someone on that basis if you thought it was a hassle to cook allergy friendly food?

I really think in some circumstances it would. For example, imagine you went to a restaurant that served amazing satay chicken. You manage to get hold of the recipe and want to make it for your friends. If one of your friends has a peanut allergy, do you have to make fish and chips for everyone instead and accept that you can't have your satay chicken party? Is it never acceptable to do a thing that you want to do if someone else isn't able to?

From OPs update it does sound like this person is pretty hard work. I can understand not wanting to always plan everything around their preferences.

If she is flaky normally I would just be honest and say you are making a special feast which does not cater for vegans, but she is welcome to attend. I have friends with dietary needs I always cater for but they are reliable.

Sounds a lovely idea btw.

it impacts on you when you’re the host and you have to piss ass about finding different recipes or when you have to go to a more vegan friendly place all the time because they don’t like the choices in all the other places

You don't have to do anything of the sort.

Its only a big deal if you make it one. Its really easy to by vegan ready meals. Or just remove a spoonful of sometnimh before you add meat or meat extracts or cheese etc

If the woman has trust issues with the fiis its probably because of attitudes like this where people complain about all the effort required or constantly pretend to stick meat in something because apparently that's meant to be funny even on the 5000,000,000th time.

People eat vege and vegan all the time without even realising suddenly when they catch wind of a vegetarian present they get so panicked that they will miss out on meat and die of starvation they would eat the cat food if Felix wasn't quick enough.

If you dont trust eachother and microwaving a ready meal is too much hassle then you don't really sound like friends.

And as for restraunts most have a bit of a vege range, can do a vegan alternative if you call and ask them and worst case scenario theres side dishes that most friends will be happy to tuck into if its a celebration or something and will just eat when they get home . Theres an awful lot of manufacturing issues in order to play the martyr when it's very easily made not an issue of people were adult enough to just speak to eachother.

Yes, inviter her and have a ready meal on standby

I have no issue in catering for friends, whatever their requirements or preference. I do have an issue with situations like we had last year when I made three separate vegan courses for a very militant girlfriend of DH's friend who complained that, actually, she wasn't keen on the main course (I had asked her what to cook and I'm a decent cook) and she would just have some of the thai fishcakes instead. However, I digress ...

Would it be okay to exclude someone on that basis if you thought it was a hassle to cook allergy friendly food?

It depends. I have a friend who is allergic to nuts, even though I can do plenty of recipes that are nut free, I am always hesitant just in case something is unknowingly contaminated. She's fine with it, and often brings her own and own utlensils, or we go to hers. It might sound like I'm being horrible or exclusionary, but she has a severe allergy and just the thought of causing something I just find really stressful (I know it's more stressful for her etc etc). I'm honest with her though, and if we were having something like satay chicken as mentioned above, she would choose not to come. 99% of the time she is included, but she understands that sometimes there are cases where it's best she makes the choice not to. In this case it sounds like OP usually invites her, but in this instance it's going to be tricky to accommodate her choice.

I'm vegan and would never ever expect to have all the courses veganised, I'd be happy with 1 option so I'm not left hungry, as long as it's not green salad! It's the company that counts!

Teetotal should not be an issue to even mention. Why is everyone is so obsessed with alcohol? What does it matter if this person doesn't drink.

If you wanted to make something she could eat, then check out dishes for Lent. Yes, there's a lot of fish (there's surviving marginalia complaining about it) but also plenty of vegan dishes, heavy on the almond milk. You may of course choose not to, and that is entirely your choice, but it is perfectly possible to do within theme.

I'm a soft fit, so I couldn't not invite them and I'd also make sure I had vegan and non alcoholic options for them. However it is your choice, but I would be honest with them as to why you aren't because if it's a friendship group, it's never nice to be left out without knowing why.

It's all very well people saying 'well you could make this...' or 'well there are plenty of vegan options from that period' but that would add to OP's workload significantly, and this woman has form for flaking. If I'd gone to this trouble twice before and had her flake, I'm afraid that in this instance, I'd just point out what the deal is, and suggest that she brings something to go with the bread and salads.

Soft git* even

I don't get the mention of her being teetotal either, what's the relevance?

Well
I’m always happy to bring my own food ,I’d never expect anyone to cook anything different on my account
So maybe she will be happy to just be invited

It sounds like you just can't be bothered OP. There's plenty you could do if you wanted to.
Just be honest with yourself that you can't be arsed this time and don't invite the friend.
I'm also somewhere between vege and vegan so would be surprised that you couldn't find anything suitable, if you wanted to

This has made me laugh. The op has LITERALLY said ' just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course but feels guilty about it, so I am not sure how this post is particularly helpful.

Op I think the only thing where YABU is in saying that if you don't make vegan versions for your friend you will feel guilty. That really isn't her fault unless she is someone who will make a fuss.

Is she someone you would like to include in the evening, if so invite her and ask her to bring her own food?
If the evening is more about the event itself than who you invite than just mention to her that the food will be all meat so for this one you haven't included her in the invite but you will invite her again next time when the food is more appropriate (That is fine too, you are allowed to do this)

Whether your friend gets upset or not depends on the sort of person she is. You have gone to a lot of trouble to include her in the past so I imagine if she is a good friend you will get a pass on this one