AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

You did a whole vegan/teetotal evening? So just tell her that this one has a medieval theme and doesn't include vegan dishes... See you next time.

She has no right to an invitation and none to expect you to cancel something you'd really like to do. She should understand, might offer a solution, and if she doesn't, meh!

All that faffing about you not liking her or being mean! She has made her life decisions and can only expect that they might occasionally constrain her choices.

It's no big deal, honest!

I think given she's unlikely to turn up, i'd contact her again and ask if she wouldn't mind bringing her own food for this one time. You'd always catered for her tastes when the meals were random, but given there's a theme, it's not going ot be easy, she should understand and be prepared to do some of hte work.

I'd not bother - haven't RTFT but I know someone like this and they never would turn up when you made a special effort, if they did they'd make pointed questions about what people were drinking (usually leading on to why they are T total - long story yada yada) and then sit there watching everyone get sozzled and make people feel awks because drunk people do drunk things.

Sorry, but I think you can accidentally forget her just once.

Invite your friend (so says a teetotal vegetarian). To be fair depending on what you're cooking she might not want to attend. Me personally, I can't abide hog roasts/BBQ's etc so if you were roasting a side of pig/lamb on an open fire/spit I'd decline your invite!

But if she says yes, make bread, make a pota age, look up medieval fake egg dishes, eg made with almonds and flavoured with spices or the sweet and sour style sauces made from vinegars and honey to accompany meat and veg dishes.

If she doesn't attend, then there is all the more for you and your friends.

I know different editions of Form of Cury order the recipes differently but, in mine, 8 out of the first 10 either are vegan, could easily be made vegan (by using vegan stock, or, where it says "eat with bacon" putting this on a seperate dish), or include a vegan alternative. For example, Chebolace says to dress with oil on a fish day, and egg yolks out of lent.

If you want to do it you can.

I used to work somewhere that did medieval banquets. For her I would do soup with bread (a cottage loaf to serve it in if you want to) sweet potato and parsnip pasty with roasted vegetables. Jam tart with dairy free custard for pudding. If more courses are needed you could buy cheez and do cheese and biscuits? They're all vaguely medieval accurate (soup in a bread trencher was true, a type of pasty was and ham tarts where used aswell) and I imagine quite easy to use.
I would be annoyed with her asking almost demanding to know what you were going to do for her.

blubberball Tue 21-Jul-20 15:23:09
I would invite but just make her aware of what you're making. Maybe she can make and bring her own dish.
.....
Good idea. Don't exclude her, it's
up to her if she comes or not.

Invite and say there will be lots of ‘medieval’ vegetables and bread. Or make a big hearty vegetable soup for everyone. That is quick and easy.

And as pp said you can always add they are welcome to bring something additional themselves.

She asked what it was and explained the theme.

The first words out her mouth were “What will you be cooking that I can eat?”

I don’t think this is necessarily rude. If I’d been invited to that themed meal, I’d be wondering what would fit. Obviously tone is everything.

If she doesn't come...... Can I have her invite? I have no dietary requirements and It sounds fuckin marvelous, il even dress up and bring my own goblet.

Also intrested in the menu 😊

Admitting to not reading the whole thread . But currently reading a historical novel set in medieval times. Everyone is always eating portage. I looked it up and some has posted a vegan version.
www.brandnewvegan.com/recipes/medieval-pottage-stew

@JamesArthursEyelashes

I have occasionally left a vegan off the list, for sure. Just like I don't invite divorced couples together, or put the Brexiteers next to the Liberal Democrats. I love them all in their way but they don't always all exactly go together.

What an odd post.

I’m vegetarian and mostly eat vegan. Lots of my friends and family eat meat including my partner and kids who I live with. We ‘go together’ just fine. If someone is a twat and can’t accept other people’s views and choices then they’re a twat. I tend to choose friends who are not twats and so we manage to get on fine.

Okay! I don't think my dear friends who have painfully divorced are twats. They just don't go together for a cheerful dinner party.

Also, OP, tharf cake (parkin) is vegan, by chance. But only if you use black treacle which replaced the original honey in about 1650. Ooh! Controversial!

As it’s for charity OP, do you charge them to attend?

It was a bit awkward as she challenged me on what I’d be serving, and I struggled to come up with vegan recipes on the spot.

You're overthinking this, op. Your friend is expecting too much of you, because you regularly pander to her. You should simply have said, when challenged, 'I'll be buying a selection of vegan alternatives nearer the time.' (Waitrose have loads, maybe too many, as they often seem to be reduced!)

I'm a vegetarian and would rather be invited to something and served a ready meal, than excluded on the basis that the host would have to cook an entirely separate meal just for me.

Here you go...

www.brandnewvegan.com/recipes/medieval-pottage-stew

It was a bit awkward as she challenged me on what I’d be serving

That sounds a bit rude!

Can I have her invitation, please?

I keep misreading this as a virgin teetotaller and wondering how the OP knows.

@JamesArthursEyelashes

but I get pissed off at people who have a very specific diet for non medical reasons and expect the rest of a large party to have to accommodate them for their life choices.

I literally have no one in my life like this. I think a lot of people like to be martyrs though and then say things like ‘they expect me to cater for their choices’ and try to make them out to be cheeky fuckers. Just say ‘could you bring something as I’m not cooking vegetarian/vegan/gluten free etc. I’ve never come across anyone who hadn’t been find with this.

Neither have I, but it appears that a fair few on MN do!

Your reply should be , as you know I hosted a vegan theme last time so I am doing the opposite this time . So it might be best if you bring your own vegan food? Just in this occasion?

But what she said isn’t necessarily rude or a challenge.

However, we don’t know her and you do and you feel judged by her because you’ve mentioned that a few times. So my question is why would you ever invite her?!

She sounds like a pain in the arse.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities.

Surprised no one else has mentioned it, but what do you mean when you say you use these occasions to raise money? Are you asking people to buy a ticket, for instance? Because I think it would be a bit much to ask someone to pay and bring their own food, or pay and then get pottage when everyone else is getting roast hummingbird (or whatever), and it definitely wouldn't be rude of her to ask what she might expect to be getting for her money, if so.

Quite impressed at how many people have heard of the Forme of Cury btw!

As a teetotal (well maybe not forever but I don’t drink because I’m TTC) vegan I would be fine being asked to bring my own food/ drinks but would be upset to be excluded altogether.

Surely you’ll feel more guilty for not inviting her than for asking her to bring food with her.

The first words out her mouth were “What will you be cooking that I can eat.”
That's really rude. I'm not vegan but imagine that, in her shoes, I'd say something like, 'Well I'm not sure there were many medieval vegans ha ha; sounds like a great night though. Is it OK if I bring something for myself?'

But then again, I like my friends and like to be nice to them. She doesn't seem to care much about treating you like a real friend. I honestly wouldn't be worried about upsetting her.

@CyanSnake

I asked her if she wanted to come to mine for the event. She asked what it was and explained the theme.

The first words out her mouth were “What will you be cooking that I can eat.”

I like this woman as a person, but she can at times be a bit judgmental about her choices and that is why I was reluctant to invite her.

I think the issue here is not that your friend is vegan. The issue is that your friend sounds rather rude.

I voted that you should invite her - it would be awful to exclude one member of an established group - but on the understanding that one this occasion she could perhaps bring her own dish or be happy with a very low-effort alternative. The fact that it sounds like she expects you to prepare a complete vegan banquet alternative makes her sound pretty hard work tbh.

I'm also a bit at all the "just quickly make a dahl/ vegan whatever" when a banquet in itself sounds quite time consuming and theres high chance the vegan "friend" wont turn up.
I think the fact that they don't host, and regularly dont turn up when you have catered for them is more of an issue than the fact they are vegan!
Maybe you should challenge/ask her to make a medieval vegan dish to bring?
"The theme is a medieval banquet and I've been trying various recipes but the ones I was hoping to cook sadly arent vegan, I dont want you to be excluded so I can either buy something that wont be medieval themed, or you're welcome to bring something, whichever us easier "