AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

Give your vegan friend the serf's menu: a raw turnip.

I’m a vegan who rarely drinks (I have a heart condition which I made worse by alcohol- so a glass at Christmas is about my limit!) I would be really hurt to be excluded because of this, but I’m also happy to bring my own food if asked!

@Samster45

I would invite her and say you are putting on a medieval banquet so unfortunately not much will be vegan but if she wants to bring her own food to eat whilst there and enjoy the evening together then you wouldn’t be offended? That way she can still join in but will probably say no (but at least she can’t say she wasn’t invited)

This ^

She’s also refused to eat a veggie shepherd’s pie, which I made with Marmite gravy as she didn’t believe it didn’t contain meat. I’m not inviting her again.

It doesn’t sound like you’re very good friends if she doesn’t trust you. I don’t blame you for not inviting her again. Although I do know someone who told her friend that a meal she made was vegetarian when it wasn’t and thought it was funny when she ate it. 🙄
I don’t like to put my dietary requirements on anyone else and I wouldn’t say I’m fussy but I hate anything that tastes meaty. I stopped eating meat because of animal rights but I’ve never liked the taste of most meats so I don’t like things that are made to taste like meat.

So you're plan is to invite everyone in your group but her...just because she doesn't eat meat or drink alcohol, that's so harsh bloody hell. If you like her and don't want her to feel like shit when she finds out she was the only one excluded just tell here it's not vegan friendly food but she's welcome to come and bring her own. I can't understand how you would feel more guilty about giving her that option than actually totally excluding the woman for not eating meat :/

your*

@Piglet89

What’s the teetotal bit got to do with it?

@CyanSnake @Piglet89

This! Why are you highlighting her teetotalism as a negative? Good for her I say!!

Invite her and just buy her a vegan ready meal.

I am the teetotal vegan friend.
I wouldn't really see the issue.
Alcohol or no alcohol is a personal choice, everyone understands that.
And as far as the meal choices go, just let her know what you are planning to cook and say you are unable to do other options this time, but she is very welcome if she want's to fill in the gaps with her own bits if she wants to. Bearing in mind that most food is vegan anyway...fruit, veg, bread ,potatoes, pasta, rice.....she could just bring the extra bits that she wants.
She wouldn't mind doing that, but may mind not being invited if you are good friends.

I have invited her, and she has accepted but from experience the tone of her reply makes me think she’ll back out next week. If she does turn up, I have sourced some recipients. It was a bit awkward as she challenged me on what I’d be serving, and I struggled to come up with vegan recipes on the spot.

The teetotal comment referred to a paragraph I deleted about feeling awkward drinking with someone I knew didn’t approve. I removed the paragraph but overlooked removing it from the rest of my post.

YABU. How horrible. Would you treat someone with allergies the same on the basis that allergies weren’t recognised in medieval times either? You’re clearly no friend of hers if you’re wanting to treat her like this just because of choices she makes about what she puts in her body.

And yes the whole thing does sound twee and cringeworthy. I think there’s a reason she often cancelled at the last minute.

I think its fine to say what you are cooking (sounds interesting) explain that its too much to cook vegan versions as well this time can she bring her own meal this time.

I wouldn't mind that but I would be so hurt to be excluded.

I haven't read the whole thread, so assuming there's been no other issues or backstory that's come out, then yes, I would invite her.

Just be clear that given the theme, it's going to be difficult for you to accommodate her like you usually do. Just say that you're happy to whip her up something, but it won't be within the theme, so if she would like to bring her own or if the theme is perhaps just not for her and she would rather not come, then you genuinely won't be offended.

Hopefully she'll be reasonable and understand that it's nothing personal, but I think it would be mean not to invite her.

It was a bit awkward as she challenged me on what I’d be serving, and I struggled to come up with vegan recipes on the spot.

You should have told her that she'd have to bring her own because the meal won't be vegan friendly, her "challenging" you on what food you were going to give her was quite rude imo

It was a bit awkward as she challenged me on what I’d be serving, and I struggled to come up with vegan recipes on the spot.

Challenged you? Or just asked you what you were making? You didn’t have to come up with them on the spot. You just say you haven’t decided on the menu yet or ask her to bring her own. You sound like you have a problem with her or her choices to be honest.

Does she disapprove of anyone having a drink? That sounds a bit joyless. I have a friend who is teetotal because she doesn't like alcohol. It doesn't matter to her if anyone else drinks or not.

Can you make or buy something vegan that you can keep in the freezer in case she decides not to come?

I think people need to ask themselves why someone else’s decision to be healthier or ethical or whatever has such an impact on you. It’s really horrible excluding people on that basis and leads to lots of people feeling that they have to drink to fit in (which was how I felt for a long time and it had a detrimental effect on my mental health).

@Leanandmean31 - it impacts on you when you’re the host and you have to piss ass about finding different recipes or when you have to go to a more vegan friendly place all the time because they don’t like the choices in all the other places.

The people suggesting turnip - they actually werent around in the UK in Medieval times...

From your update. Its one thing making choices of your own and then there is judging people for not making the same ones...is she a bit like that?

Only I'm teetotal but I dont care what other people do...I tend to leave if people are drunk though, that's not fun when you are sober but I think that's normal and I wouldn't make a thing of it.

I would channel Baldrick and Bugs Bunny and say that the only vegan things you have come up with are roast turnip and carrot slices and bread (assuming it doesn’t have any animal fats involved)(and actually maybe carrots are not mediaeval either) so could she bring something to go with her roast turnip as you can’t find anything authentic that you think she would like and you’ve realised that it’s hob/oven,fire intensive so you don’t have lots of space to cook more...

Bluebell you don’t need to make a three course meal that’s entirely vegan. There are loads of nice ready meals that you can buy and serve. Would you have the same view if someone had allergies? Would it be okay to exclude someone on that basis if you thought it was a hassle to cook allergy friendly food?

Does it even matter if the vegan dish is medieval? Trust me you probably wouldn’t want to eat any of the stuff they actually used to eat in those days.

Apparently, peasant diets in medieval times were mainly vegetarian because they couldn't afford meat. They used to eat what they could grow. Their main vegetable crops were turnips, parsnips, leeks, onions, and cabbage.

Pottage recipe

Drawen beans recipe

Funges recipe

@Pinkyyy

Given that you did a fully vegan and non alcoholic night, I think YANBU. Does she ever host?

This. Invite her but ask her to bring something for herself. I’m wearing my tin hat as I type this, but I get pissed off at people who have a very specific diet for non medical reasons and expect the rest of a large party to have to accommodate them for their life choices. I can’t think of any of the protected characteristics which this would fall under so no, it’s not legally discriminatory.