AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

@TibetanTerrier - why should people make every dish vegan and then just throw some meat on the side for the meat eaters? That's not what the OP wants to do. On this occasion, the OP might want to make the meat the main event, cooking it into dishes do that the flavour and texture is right. Using vegan alternatives to make everything else would mean the dishes aren't authentic and do not taste right for the rest of the guests. As much as vegans try to say they can't taste the difference between vegan and non-vegan products there is a very obvious difference. Vegan cheese, for example, is absolutely disgusting and nothing like non-vegan cheese. Vegan cooking isn't just about boiling some veg and throwing them in a bowl, you usually add other things to them to make them taste better. So no, it's not a case of just adding meat to vegetables, it's a case of cooking everything with highly processed vegan alternatives that ultimately taste a bit off. The OP previously hosted a totally vegan, alcohol free dinner party so I think it's quite clear that she has and does usually make an effort for her rude and flaky friend. Just this time she wants to do something that she likes. It's a lot of work and expense to have it spoiled by using vegan alternatives that taste horrid, especially when the friend likely won't even turn up. Plus, she never hosts so I don't think she's the one to complain about hospitality.

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0

If someone accepts an invitation to my table I will cater for their culinary preferences but not for their moral preferences , I do not, and will not, cook for moral preferences.

So you would never cook for a Hindu who is vegetarian for religious reasons? A Jewish person who doesn’t eat pork? A Muslim who only eats halal meat?

I happily cook for my friends based on their beliefs, everything needs give and take. I’d hate to be so narrow minded.

I like this woman as a person, but she can at times be a bit judgmental about her choices and that is why I was reluctant to invite her.

Massive drip feed, OP.

I’ve been vegetarian for 25 years. I always take something vego with me that goes well with what else is served.

Hahaha no need to for the PP to worry about not catering to my moral preference.....I cook and serve meat to friends and family as part of my morality includes avoiding demanding that others follow my own code but would not trouble anyone who could say anything so very stupid with my presence. I fear the conversation would be very poor indeed.

Vegan curries are so easy to do. Whip up a separate vegan dish. You don’t even need to do it on the day, you could do it ahead of time and freeze it.

Cury doesn’t mean curry by the way. I don’t think they were eating curry over here in medieval times....

To the non-meat eaters, when you invite meat-eaters for dinner do you prepare separate dishes for them? Or do you serve what is to your liking only?

Yes, there would be separate dishes for people who eat meat. My partner and kids eat meat as well so that’s a daily thing here anyway. I like my friends, we respect each other’s choices, if we didn’t then we wouldn’t be friends. My partner is more likely to prepare the meat dishes though as I don’t really like handling meat to be honest.

I have quite strong views about eating meat but I tend to keep them to myself. I don’t expect to change anyone’s mind. There’s certain meat eaters in the family that I wouldn’t invite to dinner, the ones that deliberately go on about how lovely the meat is, how vegetarianism/Veganism isn’t ‘natural’ etc. 🙄 They are twats in other ways too though, they ‘like’ things on Facebook about ‘All Lives Matter’ for example. Now that’s really something to not tolerate, not someone’s dietary choices.

We’re more likely to go out to eat with people though, OPs dinner party would be my idea of a nightmare. 😬

If you just dont want to invite her and are looking for validation just dong invite her. If her veganism is truly difficult can you dont just cook her a lovely baked potato and suggest she brings whatever filling she would like?

As you clearly don’t like her, you shouldn’t have invited her.

When I have vegetarian family friends come over, we only cook veggie food. And when they host us, they only cook veggie food.

I would never expect vegetarians to cook meat for me.

I think that the most common foods in those times were not the meat rich feasts that royalty ate but basic porridge and a vegetable stew

@giantangryrooster

This is not meant to be goady, I'm just interested.

To the non-meat eaters, when you invite meat-eaters for dinner do you prepare separate dishes for them? Or do you serve what is to your liking only?

I'm asking because a lot of pp have wondered why preparing two different courses (x3) would be a faff. But do you do this yourselves with meat dishes for visitors and still think it is no hassle?

I think it's a bit different because a meat eater can eat a vegan/vegetarian meal. (Unless they had an allergy to something in it) And probably do already without even thinking about it . If a person really couldn't go one meal without meat then they could bring something, I however would not be able to cook it if it was raw meat because 1. I have never cooked meat in my life and it's a bit.more dangerous to get the cooking of meat wrong than the cooking of vegetables and 2. I have quite a bad blood phobia so the look and feel of raw meat makes me sick and dizzy. I cant stand to look at it. But if a friend of mine wasnt going to provide a meat free option I would.not feel annoyed at having to bring my own. (Which would be cooked before hand)

To the non-meat eaters, when you invite meat-eaters for dinner do you prepare separate dishes for them? Or do you serve what is to your liking only?

No, but dh is veggie so there’s a mix of vegan and veggie dishes. Meat eaters don’t usually eat meat at every meal. There’s always a bit of negotiation between what you’d most like to cook and what your guests would most like to eat. It pains me to make a chilli with virtually no spice so mil will eat it. I cook things I think everyone will like, whether that’s one dish or a few options.

I love the comments that being vegan and not drinking is classed as “difficult”

Wtf ..

Invite her but maybe ask her to bring her own dish? Or just buy something like a ready made vegan meal so no trouble on your part.

To the non-meat eaters, when you invite meat-eaters for dinner do you prepare separate dishes for them? Or do you serve what is to your liking only?

It's not really the same is it? Most meat eaters have a couple of days a week at least that the don't eat meat (I think they do anyway - most of us vary our diet don't we). We eat meat for around 3/4 days and the others we don't. It's not a hardship for me if I go to someones house and have a vegetable curry for example. I don't think 'where's the meat'. 😆

To the non-meat eaters, when you invite meat-eaters for dinner do you prepare separate dishes for them? Or do you serve what is to your liking only?

It depends what I’m cooking. If I’m making something where the protein is an extra (a roast for example), I’ll cook meat too. That doesn’t really count as an extra meal though, just something else to go in the oven. This is the same if it’s guests or just DH and I.

If I’m cooking a pasta dish for example, I’ll often make it with quorn mince. DH actually prefers quorn mince now. Sometimes I make a veggie and a meat option.

It depends what I’m cooking, how many people are coming and who they are. My parents? I’ll just cook a veggie option of one-dish dinners or add a meat accompaniment because I know that’s what they would eat at home (mum is a veggie and dad is a meat eater). PIL? I’ll make a meat and a veggie option of one-dish dinners or add a meat accompaniment. FIL would massively object to a quorn alternative even if he couldn’t tell the difference. He’s the biggest culprit for rolling his eyes at me being a vegetarian for ethical reasons but only eats fish on Friday for religious reasons. He sees no irony in this.

But meat eaters can eat both and veggies cant so it’s not the same thing at all.

As a vegan (and teetotal for Dry July!) I'd be mortified if I knew you were stressing out about catering for me.

I don't know your friend's intent or tone was, but if it was me asking 'will there be anything I can eat?' it wouldn't be a demand or expectation. Just information gathering so I know whether to bring something, or there'll be bread/roast veg/whatever to keep me going. The purpose of the question would be to ensure I impose on you as little as possible!

Also to the people who implied she's dull, or wouldn't be fun at a party? I hate to break it to you, but eating dead animals doesn't make you a more interesting person.

Plenty of salad/vegetables and fruit to choose from. Fruit juices (elderflower cordial/fizz is yummy!)

I'm a teetotal vegan. Doesn't bother me when other people eat meat. I used to eat meat. Did for 20 years. I'd be gutted if I wasn't invited for this reason though. I'm used to bringing my own food (however vegan food really isn't hard or expensive to make)

To the non-meat eaters, when you invite meat-eaters for dinner do you prepare separate dishes for them? Or do you serve what is to your liking only
Thus argument irritates me to the max. I am an omnivore, I eat meat, veg, everything. Why in earth would someone who has made a decision not to eat meat for welfare or environmental reasons, or sheer preference, cook it for me?

Any more than a Jewish or Muslim friend would serve me roast pork or a friend who hates spice would cook me a curry if invited for dinner because I enjoy it?

It is a false equivalence.

Also to the people who implied she's dull, or wouldn't be fun at a party? I hate to break it to you, but eating dead animals doesn't make you a more interesting person

Umm, you are right about the diet of meat eaters not making them fun but you might just have added to the stereotype of vegans and veggies with your choice of language there

I'd just buy a vegan ready meal and put it in an oven dish.

*Also to the people who implied she's dull, or wouldn't be fun at a party? I hate to break it to you, but eating dead animals doesn't make you a more interesting person

Umm, you are right about the diet of meat eaters not making them fun but you might just have added to the stereotype of vegans and veggies with your choice of language there wink*

I would have to disagree there. Meat is dead animals. Why are you trying to hide from that? I eat dead animals. They're delicious and I enjoy it. If you aren't comfortable with the fact that your meal includes bits of dead animal then maybe you shouldn't be eating it?