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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

529 replies

CyanSnake · 21/07/2020 15:20

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

OP posts:
Ohtherewearethen · 21/07/2020 21:24

@lilgreen - so a meal that includes vegetables is vegan? Really? Duh 🙄

myfavouritefudgecake · 21/07/2020 21:26

@Ohtherewearethen a bread party? I didn't mention a bread party. I don't know what that is.

Ok well don't invite her because she's rude and you don't like her, but don't use the fact she's vegan and teetotal as an excuse. My group have people in it that sometimes don't drink for a while, and flit between vegan/veggie, some are GF and one has an allergy. Honestly, I like them enough to just crack on. If this person isn't nice or fun, that's not because she's a teetotal vegan, it's because she isn't nice or fun.

I have to say though we also have someone in the group that repeatedly doesn't show up for things but he's depressed and have severe social anxiety. But he's always invited and we're fine with him not showing. I honestly can't imagine people being so unpleasant in real life as some people are being on this thread.

myfavouritefudgecake · 21/07/2020 21:28

@Ohtherewearethen ignore the first bit - just realised you weren't responding to me there.

Wearywithteens · 21/07/2020 21:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 21/07/2020 21:59

I can't imagine anything worse than a vegan teetotal at a party of mine!
Why does this person even leave the house and expect the world to provide for her / him ? Bring your own and don't expect you hostess to provide for you when it is such an occasion! Especially when you, as hostess, are collecting for charity! The expectations of people these days never fail to amaze me!

xolotltezcatlopoca · 21/07/2020 22:01

Wearywithteens, I think I agree. Yes, it's quite simple to exclude meat/egg/milk from a dish and make it vegan without so much effort. But I also appreciate that Op doesn't want to do it. I regularly cook meal using alternatives because of my ds's allergies, it's no big deal anymore. But it was, when I wasn't experienced.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/07/2020 22:05

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0

I can't imagine anything worse than a vegan teetotal at a party of mine! Why does this person even leave the house and expect the world to provide for her / him ? Bring your own and don't expect you hostess to provide for you when it is such an occasion! Especially when you, as hostess, are collecting for charity! The expectations of people these days never fail to amaze me!
Well, aren’t you a treat!
MrsAvocet · 21/07/2020 22:16

I wouldn't invite her, but because of the things you've said about her personality rather than because of her dietary habits.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 21/07/2020 22:19

Well, I actually am, I cook for lot of people and NO ONE tells me what I should or shouldn't put on my table - and you know what? The dishes are empty and they all wait for the next invitation!

PurpleDaisies · 21/07/2020 22:23

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 you’re just lucky that none of your friends have dietary requirements. It’s pretty crap hosting of you won’t consider what your guests would actually like to eat.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/07/2020 22:25

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0

Well, I actually am, I cook for lot of people and NO ONE tells me what I should or shouldn't put on my table - and you know what? The dishes are empty and they all wait for the next invitation!
What about allergies?
Fozzleyplum · 21/07/2020 22:26

I would just get in some good-quality vegan ready meals and she can have one of those. If she dips our at the last minute, then nothing is lost.

Fozzleyplum · 21/07/2020 22:31

I find catering for food preferences a complete faff, hence my ready meal suggestion. Whilst I'd make sure I had something nice in the freezer for a vegetarian or vegan, if I was cooking a themed dinner, I wouldn't make life difficult by agonising what to give a vegan that might fit with the theme.

honeygirlz · 21/07/2020 22:36

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0

I can't imagine anything worse than a vegan teetotal at a party of mine!
Why does this person even leave the house and expect the world to provide for her / him ? Bring your own and don't expect you hostess to provide for you when it is such an occasion! Especially when you, as hostess, are collecting for charity! The expectations of people these days never fail to amaze me!

Maybe because the vegan teetotal is a friend who also hosts her friends in her turn?

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 21/07/2020 22:43

[quote PurpleDaisies]@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 you’re just lucky that none of your friends have dietary requirements. It’s pretty crap hosting of you won’t consider what your guests would actually like to eat.[/quote]
Then help me understand, please. i see vegetarianism and veganism as more of a decision of life-style not to consume animal products-There are vegetarians who classify themselves as pescatarians or ouvo-lacto etc. I diferentiate between life-style decisions and dietary requirements - real difficulties with certain foodstuffs, whether it be nuts, gluten, lactose, I can cope with that, but not with people who make a life-style decision although they can actually cope with the dietary consume (if thea wanted too)

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 21/07/2020 22:44

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0

Well, I actually am, I cook for lot of people and NO ONE tells me what I should or shouldn't put on my table - and you know what? The dishes are empty and they all wait for the next invitation!
Christ. Confused
PurpleDaisies · 21/07/2020 22:46

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0
I will reword my post.

You’re just lucky that none of your friends have dietary preferences. It’s pretty crap hosting of you won’t consider what your guests would actually like to eat.

StatementKnickers · 21/07/2020 22:57

[quote honeygirlz]@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0

I can't imagine anything worse than a vegan teetotal at a party of mine!
Why does this person even leave the house and expect the world to provide for her / him ? Bring your own and don't expect you hostess to provide for you when it is such an occasion! Especially when you, as hostess, are collecting for charity! The expectations of people these days never fail to amaze me!

Maybe because the vegan teetotal is a friend who also hosts her friends in her turn?[/quote]
Read the thread, @honeygirlz - the vegan friend lives with her parents so she doesn't host.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 21/07/2020 23:02

@PurpleDaisies

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 I will reword my post.

You’re just lucky that none of your friends have dietary preferences. It’s pretty crap hosting of you won’t consider what your guests would actually like to eat.

But are we talking here about what an individual guest would like to eat or what the sum of guests would prefer to eat? If I were invited to someone's home for dinner - didn't have allergies or whatever, you accept what comes on the table that the hosts have prepared.I'm not talking here about allergies or whatever but diatery preferences - that means "I don't like green beans but I'll eat red beans" That for me is a dietary preference. Nothing to do with life-style decisions.
PurpleDaisies · 21/07/2020 23:04

But are we talking here about what an individual guest would like to eat or what the sum of guests would prefer to eat?

Individual guests. If I know someone hates mushrooms, as a good host I wouldn’t cook them something with mushrooms in. I don’t want my friends to have to politely eat things they don’t want to. I like them more than that.

gutentag1 · 21/07/2020 23:10

“What will you be cooking that I can eat.”

Shock how entitled can you get... If I were vegan/gluten free etc I would always offer to bring my own food. Especially if she never hosts, how can she expect you to cater to her fancies every time!! YANBU.

PurpleDaisies · 21/07/2020 23:15

That comment could be just out of interest though. If someone was inviting me round for dinner, I’d assume they were planning on cooking for me (although I’d always offer to bring something). I would have no idea what vegan type dishes would fit with a medieval type theme. Yes, as written it looks a bit rude but it might not have meant that way.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 21/07/2020 23:22

@PurpleDaisies

But are we talking here about what an individual guest would like to eat or what the sum of guests would prefer to eat?

Individual guests. If I know someone hates mushrooms, as a good host I wouldn’t cook them something with mushrooms in. I don’t want my friends to have to politely eat things they don’t want to. I like them more than that.

I agree here, I have a friend who doesn't like mushrooms (of any sort) and doesn't like fish ( of any sort) and another friend who won't eat onions or garlic - but for me that is "taste preference" and not dietary or life-style decisions. Of course, I take this into account when I am cooking for them but please don't come with all the "life-style" preferences and expect me to cater for you.
PurpleDaisies · 21/07/2020 23:24

What’s the difference between hating the taste of meat and hating eating it because of ethical reasons?

TibetanTerrier · 21/07/2020 23:25

@AtomicRabbit

She never hosts, is a difficult eater, backs out frequently at the last minute and demands to know what food is going to be cooked for her to eat prior to the event to take account of her extra dietary requirements (self-imposed).

I'd say she should be biting your arm off (pun intended) for any invitation she gets at all.

She sounds like hard work. A tricky customer.

I'd have ditched her long ago!

It's extraordinary how some people view vegans. Actually the people with the "extra dietary requirements" are the meat eaters, because they eat what the vegans eat plus the extra requirement of meat. As for eating a "self-imposed" diet, a carnivorous diet is just as self-imposed by those who choose to eat meat as a vegan diet is self-imposed by those who choose not to eat meat. The vegan has fewer requirements than all the other guests yet is seen as the one who is "hard work". As I said, extraordinary.